I didn’t see it coming. This pull I have for Ida Sue, hit out of the blue. I thought I could control it. I thought I could explain it away, but it’s clear I can’t. The more time I spend with her, the more I lose myself. I wasn’t lying to her when I told her I was becoming addicted. She’s the first thing I think of when I rise in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. Her laughter seems to live inside of me and I can hear it at the oddest of times, despite being completely alone. Her smile lives in my head and when I close my eyes… it’s there. Smiling bright.
For me.
I’m not much to look at. Don’t have a pot to piss in anymore. Got some money in the bank, but mostly I live from paycheck to paycheck. I gave my ex the house, the land, my cattle and even my damn dog. I couldn’t have kids, the woman I loved didn’t want me because I was half a man. There was no point in holding on to anything. So, I walked away from everything and I never mourned it, not for a minute. Right now, I find myself regretting it. If I had kept the land, kept the house, I would have had a good place, a refuge for Ida Sue and her kids. I’d have had things to offer this beautiful woman, who deserves the world.
Instead I have nothing but me. And again, I’m not much. I’m much less than she deserves, than those crazy kids of hers deserve.
“What are you thinking, Cowboy?” she asks, her voice soft and lazy.
“That you deserve better than some broken down old cow poke with nothing to offer you,” I respond truthfully.
Her hand comes up to brush against my face and she lets her fingers play in my scruff. I like it. I like it anytime she touches me, but I decide right now with her eyes soft, her lips bruised from my kiss and her teeth nibbling on the corner of her full lip… I like it even more.
“Have I asked for anything?”
“Maybe you should,” I tell her.
“Tell me about you.”
“Me?” I asked, surprised.
“I want to know.”
“Not much to know, Lovey,” I tell her moving my body off of her so I don’t hurt her. Then, I move, positioning us so that her head is in my lap and I’m sitting up while she’s lying down. It gives me the best view in the world. She reaches up and grabs my hand and our fingers slide together, resting on her chest, near her breast…
Near her heart.
“Tell me anyway,” she says smiling up at me. I think, if she keeps smiling at me, I’d tell her anything—do anything.
“I’m not much more than a drifter, Lovey. Been that way since my marriage broke up and that’s been more years than I can count. Been searching ever since.”
“What are you searching for?”
“Now that’s the million-dollar question,” I laugh.
“What’s the answer?”
“I was raw after my marriage broke up. Took a lot of years to break away from it, I guess. Even when I did, it left scars that I suppose will always be there.”
“You still love her?”
“Nah. That horse has been dead a long time.”
“Then, what scars?”
“She wanted kids. I couldn’t have them. She found someone who could give her what I couldn’t.”
I watch as what I said registers with Ida Sue. Her soft face shows shock, and her body goes solid for a minute, tensing up. Then, she blinks and her eyes narrow.
“She left you because you couldn’t… because you…”
“Shoot blanks,” I answer and it’s weird, but even after all these years that still hurts. I would have said once that I had no ego, but I know now that’s wrong. No man wants to be thought of as less, and that’s how my ex thought of me and in many ways, that’s how I think of myself. I can’t help but wonder if that’s how Ida Sue will see me now.
“Your ex is an idiot.”
“I think that sometimes, but the truth is she wanted kids.”
“Then, you search for a solution or you adopt. You don’t leave a good man, because it’s not possible the old-fashioned way.”
I stare at her a minute, feeling surprised all the way to the tips of my boots.
“What?” she asks, when I can’t help but continue to stare at her.
“I’m just surprised you feel that way.”
“You shouldn’t be,” she says shaking her head. “I’m a lot of things, Jansen, been accused of even more, but one thing I’m not or could never be called is shallow.”
“But, obviously, having children was important to you,” I remind her.
“I love my children, I’m not saying I don’t. I’d lay down my life for any of them in a heartbeat and not ask questions. But, each time I had a child, it was because I was looking for something to heal a wound made inside of me that I figure will never get healed. Especially, since I kept looking in the wrong places.”
“Tell me about the wound.”
“I don’t want to upset you, but… I’m not ready to go there just yet, Jansen. I’m not sure I ever will be,” she says so quietly that I have to strain to hear her.
“One day you’ll tell me and one day, Lovey, I’m going to find a way to heal you.”
“That’s a really nice dream,” she says her face a little lost… and a lot sad.
“It’s a promise,” I correct her.
“Do you think anyone can heal you, Jansen?”
“I’m forty-four, Honey Girl, not sure it’s possible to teach an old dog new tricks.”
“Then—”
“But, if anyone can do it, I think it’d be you, Ida Sue.”
She holds my gaze for a minute, and then lowers her eyes to look at our joined hands. She squeezes mine a little tighter and when she looks back at me there’s some unnamed emotion that I really wish I could pinpoint.
“I wish I’d have met you when I was younger,” she murmurs.
“Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything,” I tell her, knowing in my heart that it would have.
“Maybe it would have changed everything,” she says and I kiss her, not deeply, but I kiss her, because I have no words to tell her how deeply that affects me.
She seems to understand, because when we break apart there are unshed tears in her over-bright eyes. I clear my throat from the sudden onslaught of emotion I’m feeling and Ida Sue seems to recognize that too, because her grin instantly becomes sassy.
“I know one thing for damn sure.”
“What’s that?”
“I probably wouldn’t have had as many kids.”
A startled bark of laughter forces its way out as she surprises me. How she can make something that has left me raw inside seem funny, I have no damn idea. It’s just part of her charm, and only one of the reasons I keep wanting more and more from her.
“Damn, Lovey,” I finally respond, shaking my head.
“I’m kidding mostly. I couldn’t imagine a world without my children, even if they do drive me crazy.
“They’re good kids,” I tell her, definitely understating how I feel about them.
“They are. They seem to have given up trying to fix us up, which is good.”
“They already know I’m panting after you like an old blue tick hound, begging to have his belly scratched.” She rolls her eyes, but laughs and I close my eyes and let the sound seep into me. “Besides, how do you think I found this place? Definitely not by chance.”
“The kids told you about my favorite spot?” she asks, her voice thick with shock.
“Maggie to be exact. She says this used to be your favorite place for family picnics.”
“Well, it was… I just didn’t realize they knew that.”
“Your kids are very perceptive, Ida Sue. I doubt they miss much, even little Petal.”
“Probably not. Cyan is the rounder. I’ve spoiled him, because he was my boy. He’s way too wild and untamed. I try to keep him reined in, but I’m not sure it’s possible.”
“He’s a good kid. I’m afraid he’s in for some hard truths someday, however,” I agree.
“Yeah,” Ida sue replies, sounding less than pleased.
“There’s no sense biting off more than you can chew right now, Lovey. There will be time enough to worry about Cyan later,” I tell her with a wink, wanting to steer the conversation away from anything heavy.
I lean back on the old oak tree at my back and listen to the water run in the stream across from us.
“You’re right,” she finally agrees, and I feel her relaxing, her grip easing on my hand.
“Why is this your favorite spot?” I ask her, hoping to keep her distracted.
“That old oak tree behind you,” she says easily.
I look to the side trying to see the wide trunk and then I look up. It’s a huge tree, towering over the land and sheltering it at the same time.
“You have hundreds and hundreds of trees on the ranch.” I don’t quite get why this one is special, even though it is impressive. Still, I want to hear from her why it is; I find I want to know everything to do with Ida Sue.
“Maybe. But this tree has stood the test of time. Look at it’s roots? They’re not only solid, they’ve grown into its own surroundings and become part of it all. Do you see how they’ve grown out of the earth, so big you could sit on them? It has history, and you know it’s seen a lot, weathered a lot of storms, and yet it’s still solid. It’s special.”
“Like you,” I murmur, my voice thick, suddenly seeing that old tree as much more than a tree.
“Not hardly, but it’s what I’d like to aspire to be, I suppose. That old tree never fails to make me feel safe and comforted when I’m here. I come down here to contemplate my circumstances,” she grins.
“Contemplate your circumstances? What exactly are they, Lovey?”
“I think it’s a fancy way of saying feeling sorry for myself, but it makes me feel better.”
We laugh together, staring at the tree.
“It’s a good tree.”
“It is. It’s a forever kind of tree, a mighty oak.” She nods. “I wanted to carve mine and Orville’s initials in it once, but he wouldn’t let me.”
“Why’s that?” I ask, unable to stop myself.
“He thought it was silly, and maybe it was. It just felt like putting something on that old tree… might have made it…” she breaks off as if she is searching for words. “Might have made it something that old oak would deem worthy to protect. Make it something that would last. I guess, hearing myself say that, it does sound kind of silly.”
“I don’t think so, Ida Sue. I don’t think so at all.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope. I think we should put our names on it.”
“But we… I mean… According to you, we haven’t even gone out on a date.”
“Ida Sue Lucas,” I chastise.
“What?”
“Are you scared?”
“Of course not,” she rebukes.
“Prove it, then, woman. Put your money where your mouth is.”
She frowns at me.
“I don’t have a knife.”
I help her up and then get up myself, all while reaching down in my pants pocket. I pull out a pocket knife. “Who’s first?” I dare, as her eyes go wide. I don’t know why it’s important but suddenly I want our initials carved in this old tree more than anything I’ve ever wanted in this world.
She takes the knife from my hand and I grin at her. Slowly, her smile appears and her face relaxes.
She turns and carves her initials. I. L.
Then hands me the knife. She can try to wimp out, but I’m not about to let her. I get to work on my carving and it takes me a little longer.
But then I make a heart around her initials and I add a plus sign before putting my own initials under that.
“Jansen…”
“Something sustaining, Ida Sue. Something worth protecting,” I remind her. I watch as the delicate muscles in her throat move as she swallows.
“Something… real,” she answers, her voice barely more than a breath of wind and yet it feels like it gives me wings.
“Something real.”