Oh God.
How can things go from good to horribly bad so quickly?
I look down at the ring that Jansen’s holding and it feels like I have rocks in my stomach. It’s beautiful, every woman’s dream…
Except mine.
“Jan I…”
“I probably should have let you help pick the rings out, but I saw it in the window of the local jewelry store and it just seemed like you. Simple but beautiful,” he adds and those rocks in my stomach seem to get heavier.
Shit…
“Ida Sue?” Jansen questions, when I don’t reply. I tear my eyes away from the ring to look up at his face, and the confusion that I see there eats at me.
“Jan, honey, I…”
“Will you marry me?” he asks again.
“Jansen… I can’t.”
I feel his body go solid under me. It’s as if there’s a wall that’s suddenly appeared between us. I hate it, I want to tear it down…even as I’m the one nailing it up.
“I see,” he says quietly, his voice oddly calm. I get sick to my stomach, knowing this is going badly.
That’s even more evident when the ring box slams shut and he moves, swinging his legs over the side of the mattress and sitting up. I’m left scrambling. When he goes to stand up, I practically tackle him, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my front to his back.
“No, Sweetheart, don’t leave,” I beg.
“I need to head back down to the barn. I apparently read everything the wrong way,” he says, pulling against my hold. I refuse to let him go. I know in my heart that if I let him walk away, that will be it. It will be over and the thought of that happening makes me panic.
“I don’t want you to go.”
“There’s no reason for me to stay, Ida Sue.”
“There is. I’m here. Nothing’s changed, Jansen. It hasn’t. I—”
He pulls away from me, I try to hold him, but I can’t. He stands and then turns to look down at me and that’s when I see it. I can see the pain I’ve caused him, the hurt. I did that. The ironic thing is, I’m causing myself the same pain.
“Everything has changed, Ida Sue.”
“No, it hasn’t—”
“It has. The woman I love just turned down my marriage proposal. That’s a huge change.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I love you. It doesn’t change what we are to each other.”
“You love me?” Disbelief is thick in his voice.
“I love you so much Jansen.”
“Then, why won’t you marry me?”
His question destroys me. I don’t know how to make him understand. I’m not even sure I understand myself.
“We haven’t known each other that long, Jansen.”
“It’s long enough to know what I want, Ida Sue and what I want is right there in that bed.”
“Believe it or not, Jansen, I know what I want, too and it’s standing right there looking at me.”
I think he listens to me, because his face softens—at least a little.
“Then, marry me, Lovey.”
“I… I’m just not ready, Jansen. I’m not.”
He rakes his hand through his rumpled hair and turns away from me. I hate that I’m doing this to him. I hate that I’m doing it to both of us. I’m a coward… maybe. I just… I can’t say yes to him.
“What do you want from me, Ida Sue? I don’t understand. I want us to belong to each other. I want you to be my wife.”
“I can belong to you and not be married to you, Jansen. I already do belong to you. I love you. I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that.”
“Maybe I do, Lovey.”
I can taste panic. My heartrate ramps up and my palms become sweaty. I don’t want to lose Jansen.
“Can you just give me a little time?” I plead, praying I can at least stall him.
“Time?”
“I just need time, Jansen. Can you give that to me?”
I watch as he rubs the back of his neck, his gaze is appraising me. And I let him read me. I don’t even try to put shields up. I need him to know I love him.
“I’m going to ask you again, Lovey.”
“I know,” I whisper. I don’t want him too. I’m already dreading that phantom day in the future. Maybe if I show him how much I love him every day he will be happy enough. Maybe he won’t demand marriage when he sees that I’m with him to stay.
That’s a lot of maybes, but I have to have that hope. I don’t want to lose Jansen.
It would destroy me.
“So, what now?” he asks and I can tell he’s not happy, but he’s pushing it aside for me.
I lick my lips nervously. “Make love to me, Jansen.”
“Lovey—”
I don’t want the fact that I don’t want marriage to stand between us. I don’t know how to make him understand. I don’t even know how to explain myself to him. I just know I need to feel him inside of me. I need that closeness that happens when we’re together.
“Please, Jan,” I beg, letting the sheet I have pulled up against my chest drop down.
“You’re mine, Ida Sue,” he says.
“I am completely yours, Jansen,” I vow as he walks toward me.
“I should be heading back to my place. Making love all night, when there are children in the house, is something married couples do,” he says stubbornly.
“Committed couples do it, too, Jansen,” I correct him.
“I don’t feel right letting your kids know I’m up here with you and not as your husband.”
“Haven’t you heard that saying, Jan?” I ask, taking his hands in mine and pulling him down on the bed as I lie down, pulling him over my body.
“What saying?” he asks, his face buried into my neck as he begins kissing me there.
I angle my head to give him better access. Then, I reach down between us and take his cock in my hand. He’s already hard and I revel in the fact that even though I hurt him, he still wants me. I don’t know what I would have done if I destroyed this. I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him. I don’t know if I could survive without him…
And that’s part of the problem.
I push that thought away as I stroke him.
“Lovey…”
“You feel so good, Jansen.”
“If you don’t stop that, this dance will be over before it even begins. What saying was I supposed to have heard,” he growls near my ear.
“Why buy the cow when the milk is free,” I whisper with a grin.
He pulls back to look at me. “Did you just call yourself a cow?”
I give him a mock mean look and stick my tongue out at him.
“I don’t find the cow reference funny,” he mutters.
“It’s kind of funny,” I retort. Then, I stroke him one more time and then position him at my entrance. I wrap my leg around him, letting the heel of my foot dig into his ass cheek, using it for leverage as I impale myself with his hard cock. “Yesssss….” I whisper in a long drawn out hiss of pleasure.
“You’re a witch,” he mutters, but he does it setting a rhythm as he slowly begins fucking me.
“I’m your witch,” I remind him, just in case he forgets.
“Then, wear my ring,” he says, proving he’s one stubborn man.
“Shut up and fuck me, Jansen,” I whimper as he thrusts deeply into me.
He grunts in reply, but his thrusts get harder and faster… I call that a win.