“Fuck. I know, Ida Sue. But damn it, can’t you see this from my point of view?”
I rake my hand through my hair. I hate that I feel like I’m being unreasonable. It shouldn’t be this hard when two people love each other.
Should it?
Fuck, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I love this woman and every time I’m with her lately, it feels like she’s slipping away from me. I’m a man that’s used to being in control. The fact that I can’t control the direction of this relationship is driving me insane.
“I can, but you’re not listening to me.”
“I am. That’s the whole problem. I heard you tell me that you didn’t want to marry me.”
“Right now. I said right now, Jansen. I’m just not ready to marry anyone. I have a history, things you don’t know about. Things we haven’t discussed and those things have changed me. I don’t want to get married and I don’t see why that should be so important to you.”
“You don’t see why marrying you should be important to me…”
I say the words mostly to myself.
I repeat them.
I can’t get how she can say that to me. I truly don’t.
“I can’t do this,” I murmur, letting her face go and walking towards the door. Then, it hits me. I can’t use the door.
I climbed up a fucking tree to get to my woman’s room.
“Can’t do what?” she says, and I can hear the panic in her voice.
“I can’t argue with you right now. Not over this. Everything about you is important to me, Ida Sue. Every. Fucking. Thing. For you to lie in the bed we just made love in and tell me you don’t see how you marrying me is important is like a damn slap in the face.”
“But, I don’t see. I love you! I’ve told you that I love you. How is a piece of paper going to change any of that?”
“It probably won’t to anyone but me. I’m forty-four years old, Lovey. I want a home and a family.”
“You have that, Jansen. This is your home. The kids and I love you. We’re your family in every way that matters.”
“Yeah,” I say, shaking my head. There’s no point in arguing with her that it’s not in every way. She doesn’t understand and maybe that’s because at the core of the problem, she doesn’t understand me.
Maybe she never will.
I seem to have a knack for picking women that I’m not enough for. I wasn’t enough for my ex-wife because I couldn’t have kids and now I’m not enough for Ida Sue to even consider tying herself to permanently.
I decided a while back that I’d just be alone the rest of my life. I should have remembered that decision instead of reaching for more.
“Jan—”
“Mommy, are you in there? I had a bad dream,” Petal whispers through the door, her voice full of tears.
“Jan don’t go. Let’s talk about this,” Ida Sue pleads.
“Ida Sue—”
“Mommy?” Petal asks again, turning the door knob that’s locked. “Mommy, are you there?”
“Go tend to your baby, Ida Sue.”
“Jan—”
“It’s fine. We’ll talk later,” I tell her, lying through my teeth. It’s not fine. I’m not sure it will ever be fine…. I walk over to the window and open it up.
“You could go out the door.”
“You know my stance on that. Your kids don’t need to see me come upstairs to fuck their mother.”
She blinks at my words and I know they’re harsh. I use the word fuck, but never in anger. Anger is dripping in my words now.
I get outside on the roof of the porch, dreading that damn tree, I close the window before Ida Sue can reply. She’s got Petal to deal with and I need to clear my head. I manage to get onto the tree from the porch, even though my bones and joints protest. I’m holding onto the large limb when I notice a pair of eyes staring at me on the other side of the trunk.
“Gray.”
“Jansen,” Gray laughs.
“Why are you in a tree?” I mumble, knowing why I am, but Gray’s a grown man.
“Moms are moms no matter what age you are,” he says.
I nod, because I reckon that’s true.
“Why are you in a tree?”
“Maybe it’d be better if we both never bring this up again,” I compromise, not keen on hashing out why I refuse to let the kids know I spend my nights in Ida Sue’s bed. They’d probably think I was as ancient as their mother is making me feel.
“I can agree with that.”
“Good. Be careful getting back to your room.”
“Had a lot of years of practice. You be careful jumping down from the bottom branch.”
I grunt, and start moving down the tree again. Gray starts moving on up and as I take the small jump to the ground, my mood seems to have worsened instead of get better.
I’ve got to figure my shit out.
I’m just not sure what will happen once I do…