I’m in a piss-poor mood. I’ll admit it, if only to myself. I’ve been working for that moron Mullins for way too long. They’re to start drilling the oil on our land soon, but there’s so much red tape I’m not sure when I will see the money. Which means I need to keep the jobs I have—at least for now, which unfortunately means I have to continue to work for Grave Mullins—and don’t even get me started on that name. His momma must have known she’d want to kill him.
I only work for the idiot twice a week, but each day is getting harder and harder to stomach. His small put downs, the way he leers at me, and most of all the passes he keeps throwing my way that turn my stomach.
I’m so close to quitting, but then I remind myself of why I’m working. Until I see money in my hand from this oil, I can’t trust it and there’s a list a mile long of things that are demanding my attention.
The roof on the house will need to be replaced. Even now, I’m living in fear of the rain taking its toll. I can handle leaks, even if the buckets placed in strategic areas are annoying, but I know eventually the damage is going to become so substantial the rafters will begin to weaken.
I can barely afford our grocery bill now, so that’s also a consideration. Then, there’s the ratty, old, couch and chair that we’re using now. I need to buy new furniture. There’s just never been enough money for it all—even if purchased second hand. I figure groceries to feed everyone is more important than the table to put them on. I definitely could use another vehicle. Maggie taking me to work and dropping me off is getting old really fast.
Case in point, today.
Maggie is over thirty minutes late. I couldn’t stand waiting on that asshole’s porch any longer so I’m walking down the road and with Maggie’s track record, I’ll probably reach the house before Maggie remembers to come and get me.
And then there’s Jansen.
I have no idea what I’m going to do with him. I swore off men. It would have been easier if I’d stuck to my guns on that one. But, I didn’t. I fell in love with him and I know I’m losing him. I feel it. He’s upset because I won’t agree to marriage. I don’t know how to make him understand my jumbled up thoughts, especially when I don’t understand it myself.
He’s not even come to my room the last couple of nights. He said he wasn’t feeling well, but we both know there’s this widening gulf between us. I don’t know how to reach him and he won’t get past this need he has for marriage. Why he even wants to saddle himself to a woman with nine kids is beyond me. Part of me wants to just say okay, I’ll marry you, but the other part of me goes into a full-blown panic attack at the mere thought. Jansen doesn’t understand me and if he thinks he’s confused he should try living in my brain.
It’s frustrating.
It’s annoying.
It’s… baffling as hell.
I’m thinking all of this over while staring at my feet, putting one foot in front of the other and being exhausted—emotionally as well as physically.
This person I am… it’s not who I was supposed to be. It’s not who I was meant to be. I don’t know much, but I know that. There are some days I don’t even like who I am. The only time I feel at peace is when Jansen is there, or was… that has changed since he began pressuring me for marriage. I need to fix us…
I just don’t know how.
If it wasn’t for my kids I would have given up long before now. They keep me going.
“Hop in.”
I frown, looking up to see Jansen pulled to a stop in the middle of the road, beside me. I was lost in thought I guess, and didn’t pay attention to passing vehicles. There’s not been that many, hardly anyone travels these back roads anymore.
“I can—”
“Hop in, Ida Sue,” Jansen replies, his voice stern. I instantly want to rebel, but really, I’ve been on my feet since five this morning and after cleaning three houses I’m exhausted. It’s getting close to sundown and who’s to know when Maggie will make her way out here. Tomorrow I’m taking the truck to work. I don’t care if that leaves her stranded, it serves her right after the shit she’s pulled today. I walk around the front of the truck and hop in.
“Thanks,” I mumble, not sure how I feel about seeing Jansen or his abrupt order.
He could have at least said hello.
He puts the truck in drive, ignoring me. He doesn’t say anything. He just keeps staring at the road ahead.
I stare out the passenger side window, too damn worn out to even begin to figure out what bee has crawled up his ass.
“I thought I told you not to walk the roads alone,” Jansen growls about five minutes later.
I guess that answers what’s wrong with him.
“Maggie forgot me, so I did what I had to do,” I mumble, going back to looking out the window.
“What do you mean she forgot you?” he asks, like he’s about to blow the top of his head off.
“Just what I said. She was supposed to pick me up over thirty minutes ago. She didn’t show and I couldn’t stand Grave Mullins any longer, so I left.”
“What do you mean you couldn’t stand him?”
“Why do you keep repeating everything I say?”
“Did that asshole say something to you?”
“I’m not getting into this with you,” I tell him, giving my attention to the passing landscape once again.
“I asked a simple question, Ida Sue,” he says and the fact he’s trying to be logical pisses me off more than if he just barked another command at me.
This time I ignore him—or my head might explode.
“The least you could do is answer,” he says, like he’s a pouting child.
I don’t need this. I have enough pouting kids in my life without adding a grown-ass man. A grown-ass man who honestly has been pissing me off for weeks now. I know he wants marriage, but damn it I told him I needed time. And what’s wrong with just being with me without marriage? I’m a good woman. I told him I loved him. I told him I belonged to only him. What’s he so pissy about? I’m worth waiting for my mind to clear up, damn it. So, I have a few miles on me, he has more! And yeah, I may have a lot of kids and maybe most men don’t want to tackle that, but he knew I had those kids before he freaking slept with me!
“I’m not answering you, because now I’ve gone from being pissed at Grave Mullins to being pissed at you,” I respond through gritted teeth.
“What are you pissed at me about?”
“You can’t act like the jealous husband when you’ve been avoiding my bed for days, Cowboy.”
“I can’t act like the jealous husband anyway, because you won’t marry me!”
“You said you’d give me time!”
“I’ve given you time, Ida Sue.”
“The hell you have. You’ve done nothing but pressure me about it. I told you that I love you. Why isn’t that enough, Jansen?”
“So, what do you want, Ida Sue? Do you expect us just to date for the rest of our lives, until you decide if I’m good enough for you?”
“That’s not what I’m doing, you old coot. You’re the best man I’ve ever known in my life. It has nothing to do with if you’re good enough for me.”
“Then what in the hell does it have to do with, Lovey, because I swear I’m lost on what comes next for us.”
“Jansen, we haven’t even known each other that long and you want me to jump into marriage.”
“Are you so scared that your feelings for me will change?”
“No, Jansen,” I respond and this time I barely whisper the words. I’m just too tired. “I just want to slow it down and take my time. I love you. That should be enough. Besides, we’re not even really dating.”
“That’s funny, I could have sworn it’s your lips I’ve been kissing practically every day, not to mention being in your bed.”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant, spending time getting to know each other.”
“We see each other practically every day.”
“I… Let me out.”
“What?”
“Let me out of the truck.”
“What for?”
“Because it’s either get out of the truck or throw something at you and that would require more effort than you deserve,” I growl.
“Woman—”
“Don’t you woman me. I asked for time. I didn’t turn you down. I didn’t kick you out of my bed. I didn’t say I didn’t love you. I just need time. Either you’re going to get that through your damn skull or you’re not. At this point, I’m tired of fighting about it. You keep pressuring me, even if you say you aren’t. What was it you told me, Jansen? That dating to you meant taking a girl out to dinner? We’ve never gone out on a date and here you are upset because I said no to marriage.”
“I think we skipped the dating, Lovey.”
“Yeah, I caught that. I’m not sure you have.”
“You’re right. I’m being a horse’s ass,” he sighs.
“I caught that, too,” I grumble.
“You’re going to hold a grudge, aren’t you?”
“You haven’t been in my bed for two days and you started a fight when I was already tired and had a headache.”
“I take it that means yes.”
I shrug, not bothering to deny it.
“If I come back to your bed tonight, will you forgive me?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“Are you going to insist on climbing the tree like a fool?”
“Lovey—”
I reach in my pocket and pull out my housekey. “Come in after the kids are asleep if it makes you feel better. But stop risking your life by climbing in and out of a window like a damn teenager.”
“I take it if I insist on coming through the window, you’re not going to be happy,” he mumbles.
“Let’s just say if you show up in my window tonight, then you won’t be petting the panty hamster and that’d be a damn shame.”
“The panty hamster?” he laughs and I just shrug.
“I love you, Ida Sue,” he says reaching out to pull me to him.
“I love you, too,” I grumble, but I go and hold onto him tightly. I dodged a bullet this time.
I have to wonder how much longer I can.