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“Back to our continuing coverage of today’s Terror at Plymouth Heights Mall. What we know so far is that, shortly before 2 pm, two anti-war activists staged a terrorism-style attack on popular conservative talk-radio personality Perry Schlaffler. They shot him with a series of fluorescent paintball bullets, and in the process disrupted his rally to celebrate a Wisconsin veteran who recently returned from fighting radical Islamists in Syria. In an odd twist, the assailants were tackled by the veteran himself and are now under heavy police guard at Columbia-St. Mary’s Hospital as they recover from their injuries. The veteran, twenty-nine-year-old Brian Kowalski, a Neenah native and recently divorced father of two, was questioned by authorities then released. He was unavailable for comment. Two employees of a cellphone supplies kiosk near the attack site were also questioned and released by authorities. A dozen people sustained minor injuries.

“In a YouTube video released shortly after the attack began, the activists claimed their actions were meant to draw attention to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder among returning soldiers and to the need for increased funds for wellness counselling and advanced research in this area. Unconfirmed reports suggest the accused are former graduate students from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. University officials have no comment. Plymouth Heights Mall will be closed for the rest of the week, mall officials are saying, while law enforcement conducts its investigation. Damage and lost revenue are predicted to run into the millions. And if you’re wondering about Schlaffler himself, well, he was on the air as usual tonight. He promises his next Rally for American Heroes will be even bigger and reminds his listeners that he always gets the last laughter. He also says he’ll keep his head painted pink until October to raise money for breast cancer. Now let’s look at some more viewer-supplied cellphone footage of that chaos before returning to national network coverage.”

“Look, Prin! That’s you and the boys! Oh now look at my grandsons. They look like lost little lambs,” said Molly’s mother.

To Molly’s mother, a retired Montessori teacher, all children basically looked like lost little lambs. But in the blur and shake of a cellphone video, you could see how terrified the boys were, hanging on to each other and to Prin. Molly and the girls had been at the far, far end of the mall, along with Molly’s sisters and their daughters, all of them going through no-return steep-discounted bedding and pillows in the basement of Macy’s. They heard nothing, knew nothing, until Molly’s mother called to see if they were okay. Around then the mall’s fire alarms went off and it went from there.

Prin would have called right after all the running around had stopped, but his nephews wouldn’t let go of his hands for even a moment—and he didn’t get upset with them, American teenage boys crying in public. In fact, Prin vowed he would never tell a soul, which was pointless now that their red puffy faces were beaming into television screens across the city. Would they be able to boast about being there when it happened? What if someone shared a devastating screenshot? At least they still had the chief lifeguard’s lips.