It’s obvious to me now that I’m not good enough for Tom. There is no way he’d choose me over his family. I’m starting to wonder if I’m good enough for Rose either—but she’s my sister, we’re stuck with each other. I try to apologise to her when we get into the car but she cuts me off.
‘Don’t speak to me,’ she says, and there is complete silence for the rest of the ride home.
Tom keeps changing the radio station while Rose shifts her legs under me as if she wishes she could shove me off. She opens the car door before we come to a complete stop on our street.
‘Hey Rose,’ Tom says, ‘I’m sorry how it went down, you know, the kiss and everything …’
‘Don’t worry about the kiss,’ Rose says, pushing me off her and getting out. ‘It was great.’ She ducks her head back into the car and says with satisfaction, ‘You can kiss me anytime. I’m just here to be used!’
That makes me annoyed. It was never meant to be that way, and she knows it.
‘Is she serious?’ I say, rearranging myself in the passenger seat.
‘Deplorably,’ Tom says, looking straight ahead. His hands are still on the steering wheel. It’s not a good sign.
‘Enough with the second-hand gags,’ I say.
He regards me for a minute then observes, ‘You’re acting pretty cool for someone who totally stuffed up the night.’
‘It was just a bit of fun,’ I reply. ‘I was bored.’
He almost chokes on his laugh of disbelief. ‘You think it was fun for Marnie? For Rose? For me?’ He shakes his head. ‘It was totally humiliating!’ He runs his fingers through his hair like he always does when he’s frustrated. ‘I’m just glad Alex is enough of an asshole to bring it up in front of everyone, otherwise they’d all have been talking about it behind my back for weeks—my sleazy girlfriend putting the moves on the father of my sister’s baby.’
‘I touched his leg!’
‘It’s enough!’
He is scowling at me and I’m sure my face isn’t looking too pleased either. I try and calm down. ‘Yeah well, it was a pretty hellish night having to watch you and Rose all cuddled up on the couch.’
‘You told me to!’
‘And kissing?’ My voice squeals up an octave. ‘Did I tell you to do that?’
‘I was trying to cover up your screw-up!’ he objects. ‘I needed to do something.’
‘And all the crap about how aammmaazzzinggg Rose is. How she loves babies and is incredible in the kitchen working so hard for her pathetic little sister. You totally used her life not mine. She wasn’t being Olive, it was a hundred per cent Rose.’
‘We thought it would be easier!’
‘Oh no, you thought a goody-two-shoes nurse would be far more acceptable to your family than a trashy gossip queen.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘But it is true—Sarah and your mum said it, I heard them myself.’
He sits back against the car door, energy depleted. ‘They would accept you once they knew you.’
‘Accept me.’ My eyes roll to the ceiling. ‘Whereas they “love” Rose. She’s “the best thing that’s ever happened to you”.’
‘They don’t know what’s good for me. I decide that for myself.’
‘Yeah—damaged goods, right?’ I snort. ‘It sounds pretty spot on. I’m a charity case. Don’t think I didn’t hear you earlier today with Rose. I’m “hard work”.’
‘What you are is selfish,’ Tom says with unexpected force. ‘It’s like you wanted to screw up the night—even though you knew it was important to me. You prance around like you’re begging to be caught. Spying on us, getting under the table, punching the window. Jesus, taking your top off …’
‘You had a problem with that?’ This is unbelievable. He didn’t seem to have a problem with it in his bedroom.
‘I just don’t understand why you would sabotage tonight. It’s like you don’t even care about me, let alone love me …’ The word lingers between us, hot and heavy and untouchable. We’ve never said it. I can hardly declare it now. ‘I thought you wanted us to work,’ he says finally.
I crumple in my chair. Does he want to hear the truth? That I’m certain our relationship is doomed?
‘It’s who I am,’ I reply weakly.
He leans his head back against the headrest and stares at the roof. ‘You’re awful to the people who love you the most?’ He turns to me. ‘Is that who you are?’
His eyes search mine for the truth. What is the truth? I don’t know. Am I really that horrible? It doesn’t seem so at the time. But I don’t know how to explain that to him. He always has the cursed moral high ground.
‘I’m sorry, all right?’ I snap. ‘I told you, it was supposed to be fun.’
‘I have no idea how that could have been fun,’ he says flatly.
‘That’s because you don’t have to sit around watching other people have fun. You actually get to have the fun. You are not invisible.’
‘OKAY!’ he shouts back. ‘You’re invisible! Get over it. It doesn’t give you permission to be a god-damn bitch!’
I hate that word. I need to escape. I get out of the car and slam the door shut.
Tom doesn’t hesitate, he doesn’t even look at me. He drives away, his wheels screech in fury.
Come back, I think. I love you. But he doesn’t.
I run away. Then cry.