CHAPTER

26

Rose is in bed reading; the yellow light of her lamp bounces off her hair, her face is dark in shadow. She looks up. Her eyes are as blue as Tom’s. It startles me. When was the last time I really looked at her? She hears the intake of my breath.

‘What now?’

‘Your eyes, they’re … amazing.’

Her lips go tight. ‘Flattery is not going to fix this Olive.’

‘I know.’ I sit down on the end of her bed and finger her quilt. It’s pinstriped, navy and white, in that ‘my home is fresh and ordered’ style. We are so different. ‘I really am sorry, Rose.’

‘Sure.’ She looks down at her book again.

‘I just had a fight with Tom,’ I say.

‘I’m not surprised.’

‘He thinks I’m a selfish bitch.’

Rose looks up. She’s battling with what I’ve said; the big sister in her doesn’t like him talking to me that way, but most of her agrees with him.

‘It’s okay. I kind of asked for it,’ I tell her.

She sighs and closes her book. ‘You did.’

I take this as an invitation to let loose. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I keep stuffing it up. How hard can it be to act like a normal person for a few weeks?’

‘You’re not that bad,’ Rose says, blowing through her lips.

‘I am!’ I flop down on the bed, my head cradled in my palm. ‘The other day, I called him a moron when he didn’t know what the role of mitochondria was in cellular respiration. He was pretty upset.’

Rose pinches her nose, squeezes her eyes shut. ‘I don’t know what to tell you Olive. It is amazing he puts up with you.’

Did she really need to say that?

But then she heaves a heavy sigh. ‘Look Olive, you’ve never been normal. You can’t suddenly transform into someone else.’

‘But I can’t keep being me, I’m awful! I can’t believe what I did tonight.’

‘It was bad and I don’t blame Tom for being angry—I am.’ Her face looks determined. ‘I’m never pretending to be you again. I doubt I’ll do Wynona again either.’

I drop my face into my palms. ‘Oh god.’

‘Look,’ Rose says. ‘You are getting better. Just the fact that you understand tonight was bad is a huge step for you. Remember Mrs Kotek?’

I cover my mouth to stop the laughter escaping. Mrs Kotek was Jordan’s babysitter. I wrote Mrs K stinks on her wall when she was minding Jordan one day. Jordan got into huge trouble for it.

‘That woman was way too sensitive,’ I say. ‘Besides, she did stink! It was a public service. You notice she wore perfume after that?’

Rose shakes her head. ‘See? You’re still not admitting you were wrong. Back then you were even worse.’

‘I was a problem child. I know.’

‘But you’re getting better,’ Rose insists. ‘I think Tom is good for you.’

I roll over so that I’m staring at her fan. ‘I’m not sure Tom and I are as good in real life as we are in my imagination,’ I say. ‘I don’t know how to be in love.’

Rose doesn’t respond. She probably agrees with my statement and is too kind to say so.

‘Do you think he’ll dump me?’

‘I think maybe, he’s your true love.’

And I’m pushing him away. Typical.

‘Too bad he won’t be around long,’ I mutter.

‘You’re going to tell him?’

‘I don’t know.’ I swallow, this is getting so real. ‘You saw how much he loves his family—do you really think he would risk never seeing them again?’ My voice has gone squeaky, it’s lost any volume. I sound as desolate as I am.

‘The poor guy,’ says Rose. ‘It’s an impossible choice for him.’

Her words startle me. I’d been so caught up agonising over my inevitable loss of Tom that I’d never considered how it would feel to make that choice. But either way, Tom will lose someone. Either way, he will let someone down. And I know how much Tom hates disappointing people.

‘How can I even ask him to make that choice?’ I say.

Rose smiles at me like she’s proud. ‘See, you do know how to love.’

It’s kind of embarrassing, but she’s right. I get the tiniest glimpse of what it means, but as soon as I start to analyse it, it slips away.

‘How do you know all this stuff, Rose?’ I flip her book over to see the cover. Another murder mystery. ‘It’s not from your reading,’ I joke. ‘And it comes so easily to you.’

Rose tips her head back and stares at the ceiling. Then she bites her lip as if to stop herself from crying. It’s so rare to see Rose vulnerable like this. It scares me. I release the book. ‘Rose? Are you okay?’

She takes a ragged breath. ‘You think it’s always been easy for me, don’t you?’

‘No,’ I say, but I kind of do.

‘Do you know Dad couldn’t see me? From when you were about six months old. Do you remember that? He stopped being able to see anyone … that included me.’

I didn’t know. How hadn’t I thought of that? ‘Rose. I’m sorry. I didn’t realise …’

‘You were only small.’ She gives me an out I don’t deserve. Always my protector. ‘Everything was fine by the time we moved out here.’

‘But I should have realised.’

She looks my way, her eyes are glassy. ‘It would have been nice.’

The ‘selfish’ knot in my stomach tautens. ‘I’m sorry. It must have been awful.’

Rose reaches for my hand. I take it. ‘It’s why I do understand, Olive. More than you think. It broke my heart—my daddy looking straight through me like I didn’t exist.’

I feel my own tears on my cheeks. She does understand.

‘I just need you to know how proud I am of you, for being so strong when it would be so easy to slip off into the world and disappear.’ She shuts her eyes. ‘It’s what I wanted to do. I felt so small, so worthless.’ Every word of hers is tugging at my heart. I feel her pain. It’s mine too. I sniff and her eyes snap open.

‘But I was lucky. I had Ma and Nan who could see me. You didn’t have anyone until Tom.’

‘But I never knew any different.’

Her grip tightens on my hand. ‘I want you to keep fighting, okay? Be fierce. Don’t try to be “normal”. That’s impossible. Words are all you’ve got to be noticed.’

I laugh through my tears. ‘Keep being a cíoch?’

‘If you have to. Just don’t lose yourself.’ She shakes my wrist. ‘And don’t give up on Tom. He’s good for you, but you know, you’re good for him too.’

‘Sure.’ I roll my eyes.

‘He’s stronger than you think. You might just pull it off.’ She pauses. ‘Besides, he’s a pretty good kisser.’

‘Rose!’ I gasp. ‘I thought you said he “used” you!’

‘There are worse ways to be used.’ She gives me a cheeky smile. ‘Now make me a cup of tea. You owe me.’

I groan as I roll to get up off her bed. ‘You’re going to make me pay for this forever aren’t you?’

‘And ever,’ she says, still smiling.

I grumble as I go into the kitchen, but the truth is I’m happy to do it. Even if I didn’t owe her. I think about what Tom said, about her and Malcolm. He’s right, I do need to figure out a way to help them. Rose deserves it. Even if she only thinks he’s ‘pretty’ good at kissing.

I message Tom when I get to my room.

	Olive:	Forgive me. You’re too hot for me to lose. I want your body.
	Tom:	You’re coming across kind of desperate
	Olive:	I am. Just call me the queen of the depraved, the debauched, the downtown dirty.
	Tom:	Are you apologising or trying to get in my pants?
	Olive:	Both.

I wait. The minutes roll by thick as soup through a strainer. Finally he responds.

	Tom:	You know I’ll never be clever enough for you. I’m a second-hand gag kinda guy
	Olive:	That’s what I’m here for. Besides I’ll never be sweet enough for you.
	Tom:	You’ve got enough sugar for me
	Olive:	And you said you had no gags!

Should I? Should I? A full three minutes later. Oh, what the hell …

Olive:

I love you.

I press send and wait. Cac. It’s too much. I need to water it down.

Olive:

But then again I’d say anything to fondle your Adonis-like physique.

There’s no reply. I wait a minute then type:

Olive:

And comb my fingers through your sumptuous hair.

No reply.

Olive:

Tickle your epiglottis with my tongue.

Cac! Still no reply. I can’t believe it!

	Olive:	Maybe I’ll just wrap my hands around your neck and squeeze.
	Olive:	You’re ignoring me? Seriously?

I’m turning into Tamara! At least he had the decency to reply to her.

	Olive:	I get the message. You don’t have to tell me—or in this case not tell me at all—twice. Good bye.
	Olive:	You’re a deplorable rat fink.

Oh god. Kill me now.

Twenty minutes later my phone beeps.

Tom:

Sorry. I’m at the hospital. I had to drive Sarah and Racer here, he’s got asthma

Hell. How many times can I screw up in one night?

	Olive:	Is he ok?
	Tom:	Yeah he will be

I glance up at the conversation history. It’s A Grade humiliation.

	Olive:	Can we just leave this conversation at ‘you’ve got enough sugar for me’?
	Tom:	No way
	Tom:	I’m coming over tomorrow. Be there.
	Olive:	Oooh! Buckle up.
	Tom:	You always have to have the last line don’t you?

I grit my teeth and put my phone down. It’s going to be a long night.