Tom and I pretend we never had that conversation. Weeks pass and we go about trying to be normal. We do okay. I even agree to introduce him to Felix. So we’re sitting outside Felix’s house in Tom’s car. Tom is kissing me over the gearbox. My fingers find his shirt buttons. ‘Your shirt is clean,’ I notice, mumbling it into his kiss.
‘Just trying to make a good impression,’ he mutters back.
I pull away with a bemused smile. ‘You do know the guy’s blind, right?’
‘I’m sure he can still smell.’
‘Fair point. Hey you should go and get him. You’re making us late.’
Tom collapses back against his seat. ‘I’m supposed to get him? I don’t even know the dude.’
‘Well I can’t knock on the door can I? What if his mum answers?’
‘He’s allowed to live with his mum then?’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘He’s blind.’
‘Yeah. Right. Just a sec then.’
It is truly bizarre watching Tom emerge from the front door with Felix’s hand hooked over his shoulder. I organised this little get-together for Tom’s sake, but as I watch them side-by-side, I’m not sure I want this to happen. I love them both separately. Is it possible to love them together?
I snicker as I realise Felix has dressed up too; his dark hair is gelled, he has on dark jeans, a leather jacket and sunglasses.
‘Hey bub, what are you, a vampire slayer?’ I say, climbing out of the cab when Tom opens the door for Felix.
Felix doesn’t miss a beat. ‘I look that cool? Awesome.’ He climbs in and pats his knee. ‘Come and sit on my lap, Buffy.’
Tom laughs and I scowl, folding my limbs to fit back in the ute. ‘As if you’d even know how cool a vampire slayer looked, blindy.’
Tom shoots me a horrified expression as he shuts the door on us.
‘Tom is upset I called you blindy,’ I explain as Tom walks around to his side of the car. ‘I told you he was super nice. Tell him you like it,’ I say to Felix. ‘You’re making me look like a witch.’
‘Sweetie pie you’re doing that all by yourself.’
Tom laughs again and I growl.
‘So where are we going?’ Tom asks, knocking his knuckles against the steering wheel.
‘There’s a UNICEF photography exhibition at the state gallery?’ I suggest hopefully.
Felix jabs me in the ribs. ‘That’ll be real fun for me.’
‘The circus then,’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘Band of misfits like us will fit right in.’
‘What about the pub?’ Felix says.
‘Good idea,’ Tom agrees.
I groan. ‘Come on, it’s a beautiful day. We should do something outside.’
Felix opens his mouth to speak but I put my finger on his lips to shush him. ‘And I don’t mean a beer garden.’
‘Beer garden would be good,’ Tom says.
‘But not good enough.’ I glance out the back window of the ute and see Tom’s board tucked to one side. Of course. ‘Tommy baby. Teach us how to surf!’ I say, clapping my hands.
You can see both the boys’ brains scramble with the logistics.
‘I guess …’ Tom says, trying not to be all judgemental about the blind guy. ‘What do you think Felix?’
‘Thrashing around in the surf hoping I don’t slice open someone’s skull with my fin? Sounds tops.’
‘Yeah Olive. Let’s think of something else,’ Tom says, frowning.
‘Just drive, Adonis. That’s his way of saying yes.’ Tom looks doubtful but I lean over and turn on the ignition, kissing his cheek as I do. ‘A quiet beach.’
‘Adonis?’ Felix notes as I settle back onto his lap.
I put on a California girl accent. ‘Yeah bub, you should see the bod on this righteous dude.’
‘Bub doesn’t seem so great anymore,’ Felix mutters.
I grin but he can’t see it so I lean back and peck his cheek too.
Tom glances sideways at us. He doesn’t say anything but he isn’t smiling anymore. Is he jealous? Too bad if he is. Felix is my best friend, he can just deal with it.
It turns out Tom is a terribly strict teacher. He has us doing drills on the sand for what seems like hours before he lets us into the water. Jumping up, lying back down, jumping up, and lying back down. I feel like a syncopated pogo stick.
Tom had his board shorts in the back and looks Adonis as ever, but poor Felix is forced to strip down to his grubby white trunks; they’re not stained, they’re just not too new. I’m quite pleased with my getup considering the spontaneous necessity; I’ve got on my knee-length black leggings, which were under my daisy print frock, and my red bra is more of a bustier, so just by whipping off my dress I’ve almost managed retro 1950s bathers. The lack of bathers has Felix cursing, but I assure him the beach is pretty much deserted down our end so we don’t look too nuts in our undies. (As if I have to worry.)
It’s much more fun in the water. Tom has his longboard so it’s easy to surf in twos. I ride with Felix. We don’t bother getting up, we just lie on our tummies, me in front guiding us in. It’s a bit intimate; his stomach pressed against my butt, his chin between my shoulder blades.
We fall into the white wash and laugh a lot. Felix is holding his hands over his head, freaking out that the board is going to smack him in the head. He’s so funny, I’m worried I’ll cramp up and drown laughing.
I ride with Tom too. It’s much more intimate, even though we don’t touch half as much as Felix and I did. The tide is out and the waves break long and low, so you can ride them for miles. Tom stands up first, pulling me up by the hand and wrapping his arms around me. We make it quite a while before we fall. My balance is pretty damn good so after a while I try it on my own. Tom stands chest deep and pushes me onto the waves. I can’t do any of those fancy moves you see real surfers do, but it still feels amazing.
I paddle out to him, to get another wave, but he stops the board and plants a kiss on my face. ‘You’re so adorable.’ He manoeuvres us over a breaker. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘To call you the king of the surf gods?’
He doesn’t even smile, he licks his lips, nervous. It makes me nervous. ‘It might be a completely stupid idea but—should we move in together?’
I’m shocked. I’m stunned. I lie on the board mute and smiling, a beauty-queen surfer with wave-fright. I can’t believe he’s serious, especially considering his concerns about how our future could work.
‘I know it’s a huge step. And we’d have to speak to Rose.’
‘She could move in with Mal!’ I shout above the waves.
‘U-huh.’ He grins.
My brow furrows. ‘You can’t move in with me just because you feel bad about Rose and Malcolm.’
His smile is wicked. He pulls the board closer so we’re face to face. ‘You know it’s more than that.’
‘I want you.’
He wants me! I’d never expected he’d ask me this. Not in a billion trillion years. I splash about happy as a dolphin. ‘How soon can we do it?’
He laughs. ‘I don’t know. Maybe when you’re eighteen?’
‘Kind of a traditional lamb chop aren’t you?’
‘With the things that matter—yes.’ He studies me seriously. ‘So you like the idea?’
‘I love it!’ Then he’s kissing me over the surfboard, his lips saltwater, and my worries about our future fly away with the seagulls over the wide blue horizon.
I catch a wave into shore, high with the thrill of Tom’s question. I cry out to Felix on the beach. ‘You should see me, Felix! I’m doing it! I’m really doing it!’
He yells out whoops of congratulations from his towel. I tumble off and grab the board, pulling it onto the sand with me. It’s pretty heavy, so I drag it a few metres clear of the high-tide mark and leave it, collapsing onto the towel beside Felix.
‘You’re pale as china. You’re going to burn, bub.’
‘Not the sleek bronze of your Adonis, I imagine.’
‘Nothing like it.’
I watch Tom power himself onto a wave and body surf in after me.
‘I’m guessing he’s all surfer dude; blond hair, blue eyes,’ Felix says.
‘Actually his hair is kind of sandy dirt.’
‘Nice.’
‘It is.’ I sigh. ‘Kinda predictable though right?’
‘Kinda.’ His nose wrinkles but he’s smiling. ‘I like him though. Seems decent.’
‘Too nice for me?’
‘Absolutely.’
We’re both laughing as Tom walks up the beach. My heart hammers against my chest. I can’t believe what he just asked me.
‘So you liked surfing?’ Tom says, falling onto the sand beside me.
‘Total convert.’
‘Well, you were pretty good, for, you know …’ He peters off in his usual annoying way.
My eyes narrow. ‘Were you going to say, a girl?’
‘No.’
‘You were too!’
‘I was not!’
‘I swear Thomas. You sound like Napoleon or Mussolini or something!’
‘I sound like a dictator? How?’
Felix intercedes. ‘What are you talking about, you crazy girl?’
‘You don’t know either? Typical. Two arrogant asses who insist emphatically on the inferiority of women.’
‘We’re what?’ Tom asks.
‘Not us—Mussolini and Napoleon,’ Felix reassures Tom.
‘May as well be you,’ I huff.
‘Christ, Olive, I was going to say considering it was your first time.’ Tom is shaking his head.
‘Well maybe you’ll start finishing your sentences now you see what damage they do!’
‘Or maybe, Olive, you shouldn’t jump to conclusions,’ Felix butts in.
I turn on him. ‘Or maybe you should put your jeans back on!’ I snap. ‘Wet white undies are not a good look.’
Silence descends. I went too far. Felix pats around for his jeans and hauls them across his lap.
Tom is frowning at me.
‘She’s having a go man. You look fine. Did you like surfing?’
‘Yeah it was great. Thanks for taking us,’ Felix answers.
‘Don’t thank me. You were the amazing one out there dude. There’s no way I could do it if I couldn’t see anything.’
Tom is right, it must have been scary, tumbling around in the dark not knowing which direction the beach was. I probably shouldn’t have pushed Felix into it. And then I made that mean comment about his pants. I’m being a bad friend again. And just when everything was going so well for me! I need to commend Felix. That would be the nice thing to do.
I’m proud of myself as I say, ‘Yes Felix, you were amazing. Big boy brave.’
‘Totally brave,’ Tom backs me up.
But for some reason Felix is scowling. ‘Well, you know, any excuse to get between Olive’s legs.’
The joke falls flat. I can feel Tom stiffen beside me.
‘Jesus, Felix,’ I say.
‘Sorry,’ he replies. ‘It was supposed to be funny.’ But he seems annoyed more than ashamed.
Tom stands up and says he’s going to get food. He holds out his hand for me to take but I shake my head. ‘I’ll stay.’ He shrugs his shoulders, probably annoyed now too.
‘What’s your problem?’ I hiss at Felix as Tom walks away.
‘Nothing!’ He sits up and kicks the sand at his feet. ‘Everything.’
‘That’s helpful.’
He turns to face me, I have to squint to see him. ‘Do you have to make me sound like such a goddamn loser?’
‘What? I was complimenting you!’
‘Big boy brave—that’s not a compliment, that’s big boy patronising.’ He snorts. ‘And in front of him, Mr Perfect.’
‘He’s not perfect.’
‘Right,’ Felix scoffs.
‘No honestly, he’s not. He didn’t even know what mitochondria was.’
Felix starts laughing then. Hearty, heartbreaking laughter that makes me laugh along with him even though I don’t know what he’s laughing at.
‘What?’ I manage to get out.
‘That poor, poor bastard,’ he says, still laughing. ‘You suck as a girlfriend.’
‘I know,’ I say, still giggling. I lean over and pull his elbow. He resists for a moment, then lets me pull him down. We stare at the sky as our laughter peters out. ‘He wants us to move in together,’ I say after a moment.
Felix jerks toward me. ‘He what?’
I turn and face Felix. I know he can’t see me, but it’s important to say the words to him somehow. ‘Tom wants us to move in together.’
His lip curls. ‘What the hell would you do that for?’
‘Why wait?’
Felix is shaking his head in disbelief. ‘Wow. You’re both really buying into this gypsy “true love” thing aren’t you?’
‘Buying into? What do you mean? Why else would he see me?’
‘You’re kidding right? There’s got to be a scientific explanation. It doesn’t have to be some dark curse on your family.’ He waves his hands and says it in a ghostly voice, like he’s possessed—and I’m crazy.
‘It is a curse!’ I say, getting frustrated. ‘There is nothing else. What do you think I’ve been researching all this time?’
‘You’re seventeen, Olive, how much research can you have done?’ he says. ‘What did your mum think about it, or your nan? There’s got to be more to it.’
‘They didn’t know anything,’ I snap back at him.
‘Do you know that for sure?’
I don’t know anything for sure. Dad and Rose are so tight-lipped about our past, we don’t even communicate with Nan anymore. I don’t want to admit he’s right but he could be. ‘They would have told me if they knew more.’
‘So you know squat. But you and Tom are still both intent on tying your lives together—over what? A myth.’ He snorts with the ridiculousness of it. Turns away in disgust.
I don’t know what I expected from Felix but it wasn’t this. In a lot of ways he’s making sense. But it hurts.
‘Why do you have to spoil this for me? Do you think this is going to be a regular occurrence? Do you think I can just dump this guy, the only person in the world who can see me, and move on to the hundreds waiting in line? It is a miracle I found him.’
Felix swivels back to me. ‘It can’t be the only reason though, Olive. You can’t just move in with him because he can see you.’
‘It’s not.’ My voice drops away. ‘I love him, okay?’
Felix sighs and tips his face to the sun. ‘Okay,’ he says after a minute. ‘If you love him—then okay.’ He reaches for my hand. My first instinct is to pull it away, to sulk for a good few days over this. But really, what’s the point?
‘I’m sorry about before,’ I say quietly, helping him find my hand. ‘Calling you big boy brave. This is really embarrassing, but that was me trying to be nice. I was actually proud of myself for coming up with it.’
Felix starts laughing.
‘It’s not funny!’
‘It’s very funny!’ he maintains. ‘I’ve never met such a terrible nice person. You’re much better obnoxious.’
I slap his skinny white chest. ‘Yeah? Well you’re much better with your shirt on.’
‘Ha. It doesn’t seem to be a problem when we’re in bed.’
I shush him. ‘Shut up, Tom’s coming back.’