I know Felix has an evening lecture so I wait till it gets dark and jump on a bus. Commuters are jammed into outgoing buses, not travelling into the city like I am, so there are plenty of free seats. I just hope someone gets out at the university stop. I hate it when I have to walk blocks back to my stop. There are a few nerdy looking guys at the front with backpacks, so it’s looking good.
My stomach is churning as we turn into City Road, it’s not far now. I wonder how Felix will react. Will he pick me up and spin me around in circles? Give me my Forrest Gump moment? ‘Finally!’ he’ll say. ‘I’ve been dreaming of this forever.’
Mmm. Maybe not—he is blind—he’d probably trip over.
My heart is racing. Pumping faster and harder than I can ever recall. I’m scared, but excited too. Maybe we do have a future. Maybe this is destiny. Maybe the whole point of being with Tom was to make me realise that I am supposed to be with Felix.
Felix can see me at a deep emotional level, it’s beyond visual. Visual seeing seems superficial when you compare the two, really.
My smile grows wider. Tom was right after all. There is something between me and Felix. Looking back, Felix was jealous of Tom at the beach, and when I called Tom Adonis. Maybe I need a more complimentary name for Felix? Let me think. He’s cute but not Tom cute. Maybe I’ll go with something more cerebral. Einstein is way too common. Felix is more unique than that. What he’s got is a beautiful mind, like that movie about John Nash, Nobel Laureate in Economics. Johnny Nash—I like it—it’s got the cool ring of Johnny Cash.
We’re at the campus stop. Nobody has pressed the button. Screw it. I press it myself and the driver slows and opens the door. The driver is in a bad mood. I jump clear onto the pavement and hear him yell back at the passengers. ‘Don’t buzz unless you’re getting out!’ Talk about cranky.
I remind myself not to judge. He’s probably had a bad day. That’s Tom’s effect on me. He’s made me a better person in loads of ways. My heart stings to think of him. What’s he doing now?
For a brief moment I wonder if I should have taken that train up the coast. Tom’s especially gorgeous when he’s all solemn and brooding. I love to soothe his wounded soul. But stop. I can’t be thinking of him anymore. It’s over. He doesn’t want me. We’re doomed. He’s done.
I stride down a sandstone portico toward the psychology area. I know this place well. I’ve been to loads of classes here, stalked around after Felix too. I probably would have seen Tom if I’d come a few semesters ago. I wouldn’t have missed that cute boy.
Felix! I remind myself as I slip through the revolving glass door. I need to concentrate on Felix. The naturalness of us being together. How excited he’s going to be when I tell him. I wonder what it will be like to kiss him. Will he keep his sunglasses on?
I pad across the lobby toward the lecture theatre. He always chooses night classes so he can go to the uni bar after. A blind guy at a bar, why does that sound like the beginning of a joke?
I hesitate at the big heavy double doors. Closed. I take a gamble and push. It’s warm and dark inside, the lecturer is pacing the brightly lit stage, and a photograph of Gregor Mendel is projected behind him. I’ve taken this class. Bio psychology, genetic inheritance. I’m always trying to figure out how to explain my condition. No luck here of course, but it was interesting.
I peruse the crowd and spot Felix sitting in the front row. Total geek. Wallace is sitting next to him, her auburn hair falling over a denim jacket. Cac. I forgot about her. Oh well. I’m sure Felix will be able to get rid of her. She’s pretty, she’ll find another guy soon enough.
I squat in front of Felix, taking my time to really look at him. He’s in dark jeans and a collared shirt, red trainers. He’s wearing his sunglasses, his head tipped to the stage. I never noticed how obvious his bones are through his skin; the clavicle at his chest, the protrusion of his cheekbones forcing his glasses high on his face. It’s quite distinctive. He could be nobility, a mad tsar. I could love a mad tsar.
His face is pinched in concentration as he listens to the lecturer and types away on his laptop. He’s so serious it’s cute. Cute, and a brain to boot. I wonder what more I could have been looking for.
I lean forward to look at the computer on his lap. It’s just boring roman numerals, I don’t know what I expected. Braille? I know he has some devices that use it. Braille is actually kind of beautiful—I should learn it. Imagine love letters in braille? Brilliant.
I feel the lecturer pacing behind me; it’s the perfect opportunity to play a gag; fiddle with his slide-show or switch it to some doll-fetish website or something, but I won’t do that today, I’m mature and grown up now. I’m here for love.
I pull at the leg of Felix’s jeans.
He looks distracted. ‘Wallace?’
‘Yes, sweetheart?’ Her voice is clueless, so he quickly gathers it’s me. I’m impressed, I rarely interact with him in public. Stalk him—sure. But touch him—hardly ever. He extends his leg until he finds me. He nudges me away.
‘Later,’ he hisses.
Wallace looks concerned. ‘What is it?’
‘Nothing. Don’t worry.’ He faces me. ‘I’ll deal with it after class.’
‘Shhh.’ Wallace puts her finger to her lips as the lecturer throws them a dirty look. Her nails are red along with her lipstick. It’s a pretty extreme look along with the bright yellow dress she’s wearing. She obviously likes to be noticed, funny she chose a blind boyfriend. Why she’s shushing him is beyond me, Felix is quiet and taking notes again, he doesn’t need to be told.
I lean forward and whisper in his ear. I can smell the Hugo Boss aftershave I stole for him. ‘Skip class.’
He shakes his head.
I run my fingers across his smooth cheek. I wonder how he shaves himself. It reminds me of kissing Tom in our rainforest of shower steam. I push the memory from my head.
Felix. I’m here for Felix.
I move my fingers to his neck softly, and goose bumps appear under my touch. ‘You like that,’ I note with satisfaction. He blushes, his typing falters. ‘It’s important.’ I breathe against him.
Felix sighs and shuts his machine. ‘I’ve got to go,’ he whispers to Wallace as he shoves it in his bag. ‘Can I copy your notes later?’
She is all wide-eyed and caring. Her hand touches his elbow, soft with worry. ‘Want me to come too?’
Felix shakes his head and gets to his feet. I can see the lecturer about to make some cutting remark about him leaving until he sees Felix pick up his cane. He can’t offend the blind guy. God, Felix could get away with anything!
‘That’s such a rort, that cane,’ I say as we bust out of the doors. ‘I would totally get one if I wasn’t invisible.’
Felix scoffs. ‘You are truly evil.’
‘What? It’s not evil, it’s smart. People pay heaps to get ahead in this world, what with seminars and education, now a cane—that really opens doors.’
‘More like shuts them.’ Felix walks us deftly across the atrium until his cane hits a bench. ‘You really have no idea how difficult it is to be blind do you?’
‘You make it look so easy, it’s cool on you.’
He gives a short laugh. ‘I just don’t complain about it.’ He sits down. ‘Now tell me what’s so important that you have to interrupt Mendel?’
I’m too freaked out to tell him right away so I start to ramble. ‘You know what frustrates me about Mendel? About so many masters really? It’s only after they’re dead that people figure out they were actually geniuses.’ I plonk myself down beside him. ‘Talk about annoying for them.’
‘Hopefully they’re looking down from a better place going “I knew it!”’ he replies.
I laugh. It is a good image. ‘Yeah. Imagine all the artists gossiping with each other. “Look at what those idiots are paying for my paintings now.’’’
‘Mondrian saying to Jackson Pollock, “I wasted too much time on squares. I should have just sloshed the paint on anywhere like you did”.’
‘Careful Johnny, I’m a fan,’ I warn him.
‘Who’s Johnny?’
I pick up his hand, hold it against my cheek. ‘It’s my new name for you. Johnny Nash, a beautiful mind, do you like it?’
He looks confused. ‘I guess so.’
‘Because you’ve got a beautiful mind,’ I qualify. He doesn’t look as pleased as I expected, more like he doesn’t know what to do with the information.
‘Okay … Is that what you came here to tell me?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I just wanted to see you.’
‘You still haven’t heard from Tom.’
I take a breath and pretend Tom’s name doesn’t hurt me. I’m here for Felix. This is a joyous moment.
‘There is no more Tom,’ I say, searching his face for an expression of delight but his face is squinted in something that looks more like concern. He’s still in friend mode, I realise. ‘We’ve broken up for good.’
‘But you were so certain he was your true love.’ He can’t hide the cynical tone but I forgive him. I was being stupid with Tom. Thinking we should move in together so quickly? Talk about Dumbo the elephant.
‘Well I know now—he’s not.’ I pause, take another breath. ‘There’s someone else.’
‘He’s been seeing someone?’ Felix looks mad. It’s sweet to see him upset for me.
‘Not him. Me.’
Now he just looks confused. ‘But you’ve been stuck in your room and Tom’s. How did you meet someone?’
‘I haven’t just met him, I’ve known him for ages.’
Felix still doesn’t get it. ‘And you never told me? Have you found some anti-invisible boyfriend store in the city someplace?’
I ignore his jibe. ‘You already know him,’ I reply. ‘Very well.’ I am still holding his hand so I place it on the curve of my waist, then cup his cheeks between my palms, turning his face toward me. ‘In fact, I’d say you know him inside out,’ I say softly.
I feel the sharp hitch of his breath as he finally figures it out. ‘Olive,’ he says, so quietly I wonder if I’ve imagined it.
‘I know,’ I say and then I kiss him. His sunglasses are kind of in the way but his lips are cool and gentle and I know I could be happy with this boy. But then he begins to struggle. He is pushing me away. When I draw back, his expression is not quite disgusted, but not pleased either.
‘What are you doing?’ His harshness makes me feel instantly stupid. Surely, I just need to explain it to him.
‘I finally see it Lix. You and me. We’re meant to be together.’
But his lips twist. ‘No,’ he says. ‘No.’
And the certainty in his voice just about kills me. I’m reeling. He is holding me by the elbow but I pull away, tripping over his cane as I try to flee.
‘Olive!’ He grabs for me but I’m sprawled on the floor. I scoot back from him, out of reach. ‘Wait,’ he says. ‘Don’t go.’
I get to my feet but Felix is trying to find me. He’s swinging his arms around. I back away, planting myself against the glass wall, breathing hard. I’m dying here. I want to run away but Felix can’t find his cane, or me. He’s swearing under his breath.
‘Olive?’ He tries again. ‘Please. Can we talk about it?’
I shake my head. I can’t talk about it! To say I’m mortified would be to compare a drop of rain with the ocean. I’m not just splattered with shame, I’m drowning in it.
But I can’t leave Felix here, walking around with his arms outstretched like some zombie. It’s worse than pitiful. I’m supposed to love him. I do love him. He just wants to talk, like Tom did. I can’t make the same mistake again.
I move across the floor and pick up his cane, then hold it out for him. ‘Here.’
Felix takes it. ‘Thanks.’
We stand there, awkward, until Felix says, ‘You don’t really want to be with me, Oli, you’re just cut up about Tom.’
‘That’s not true!’ I say, but it could be, just a little. I honestly don’t know.
‘It is true,’ he says. ‘You’ve never been interested in me. Never. Not once.’ There is a bitterness to his tone which makes me defensive.
‘Yeah? Well you’ve never been interested in me!’
‘I have,’ he says, looking pained. ‘A few years ago I was crazy about you. But you made it very obvious I wasn’t good enough for you.’
That takes me by surprise. I had no idea he liked me.
‘You’re more than good enough,’ I say. ‘I was stupid before. I couldn’t see how …’ I hesitate. He’s already rejected me, am I really going to try it again? What the hell. It couldn’t get much worse. ‘How good we’d be together.’
Felix screws up his face, all contrite. I know what he’s going to say before it comes out. ‘I’m sorry but Wallace and I, we’re serious.’
There is a very long silence, where neither of us knows what to say.
‘Don’t apologise. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m so stupid,’ I mutter. And then, to shift the blame. ‘Tom said you liked me.’
‘I do like you, but come on, you and me? Really?’ His laugh is wrong, forced. He is trying to somehow get us back to a good place. ‘It’s nice to imagine, but we’d kill each other. I give it six months before my mum would find me with a black knight stabbed through my heart.’
‘I guess it would be annoying,’ I say, ‘sunglasses in bed and all.’
He pulls me in for a hug, relaxed by my snide comment. Meanwhile, I’m just about dead in his arms. ‘I love that you came to me though,’ Felix says. ‘And the kiss. That was a nice surprise.’
‘Yeah?’ I scoff bitterly. ‘I thought all kisses would be a surprise for you. It’s not like you see them coming.’
Felix’s laugh is more real this time. ‘We can still be friends.’ He is reassuring us both. ‘Friends works.’
‘Sure. Right after I die of embarrassment.’
He sighs. ‘Please don’t be embarrassed. If I wasn’t with Wallace, I’d be so tempted.’
‘So ditch her,’ I mutter against him.
‘No.’ He keeps me pressed close. ‘I can’t risk ruining our friendship.’
It’s exactly what I’ve thought all these years so I can’t argue with him.
‘Besides, I can’t see you and I know how important that is to you. I’d be a constant disappointment.’
‘Right,’ I say, thinking of Felix’s unfailing devotion to Wallace. He can’t see her and it doesn’t seem to matter.
I’m beginning to realise maybe seeing someone doesn’t matter at all.