That was five months ago. And what a soul beating journey it was after that. I went to love-sick hell and back.
Felix was right, running to him was a knee-jerk response to Tom, but it still hurt to be rejected. It might have worked between us but I guess I’ll never know.
Felix and I are still friends, great friends and he’s never mentioned the kiss, not once. I can’t ask for more than that.
As for Tom, if he ever did get his head straight he never he told me. I haven’t heard a word from him. I still wonder what would have happened if I’d picked up that phone call and given us a chance to talk things through.
It’s the not knowing that pains me. It’s the hours of jilted love songs that suddenly make sense. It’s the plain disappointment.
Or at least it was all that. It’s true what they say about time; it’s just a matter of time, until time heals and it’s time to move on. And there’s no time like the present to begin.
I’m eighteen now. The age I would have been when Tom and I moved in together. Felix and Jordan took me hot-air ballooning on my birthday. I didn’t hear from Tom.
But now I know this: I don’t need a man to be happy. I’ve got a life ahead, and the possibilities just about blow me away.
Tom was great. He was an awesome first boyfriend. He made me become a better person, yada, yada, yada. I have no regrets.
I can appreciate why he thought we should break up. Sometimes people can’t see a way around difficult things, even when they want to. It’s human nature. Tom always saw the restrictions. I see the possibilities.
Okay—maybe that’s a load of whack, and it was just because I was a major pain-in-the-ass and he couldn’t handle the black magic. But that’s okay. Tom deserves the best. Wherever he is now, I hope he’s sublimely happy.
Well maybe not sublimely. I don’t want him to be that happy without me.
Felix is at the airport with us. He and I are hidden away in a corner. He looks worn, tired, stressed or something, his usual slicked hair is all messed up. I give him a hug. ‘You look like cac.’
‘Yeah. Wallace is …’ He exhales against my hair. ‘Don’t worry. Now’s not the time.’
‘Women,’ I say, pulling away from him. I squeeze his hands. He’s so essential to me I can’t believe I won’t see him for a year, possibly longer. ‘I’m going to miss you, bub.’
‘Me too.’ He rubs his eyes under his glasses. Is he crying?
‘I didn’t know blind people cry,’ I say, to stop myself from weeping too.
He laughs at that. Pulls me close again. ‘Olive,’ he whispers. ‘I keep thinking about that night—you know—Mendel.’
Just the name sends shudders through my body. ‘Don’t remind me.’ I try to pull away but he holds on fast.
‘I just, I don’t know, I need you to know that I still think about it, okay? That it meant the world to me, that it still means the world to me. And sometimes I wonder if …’
I cut him off. I’m getting on a plane, for Christ’s sake. ‘Felix. Don’t.’
‘Just come home,’ he says pointedly, then lets me go.
Jordan has appeared with Rose. ‘Come on, we’re all checked in,’ Jordan says. ‘I got you a window seat.’
‘Sucks you had to buy two seats,’ Felix says.
‘Like I’d want her sitting on my lap the whole way!’ Jordan says.
‘No, I meant Olive could find an empty seat in first class or something.’
‘Ooh, good idea!’ I say. ‘Maybe I’ll sneak up there.’
Rose tuts. ‘The window seat is the safest place, Olive. We discussed this.’
‘Yeah, yeah.’
‘How will you get through security?’ Felix asks.
‘Just walk around it. I’m the perfect drug mule,’ I say.
‘Shhhh!’ Rose hisses, looking around her. Jordan and I crack up laughing. ‘You two and round-the-world tickets.’ Rose shakes her head. ‘Talk about trouble.’
‘That’s the plan,’ we say in unison, making us both laugh again.
‘Send lots of photos of Ireland,’ Rose says. ‘You will look up the family, won’t you?’
‘I’ll have a peek around,’ I say cheekily.
I haven’t admitted it to anyone but what I want more than anything is to find that beach my Nan stood on. I want to stare out to sea as she did and wish for the world. I can already picture it; the lush green grass, the dark tossing waves, the fierce cutting wind. Irish magic.
I also want to track down Nan in New York. Felix is right. I need answers.
‘Come on, let’s go,’ I say to Jordan. ‘Farewells freak me out.’ And then I start to bawl.
Rose hugs me hard. ‘You’ll be home before you know it. Don’t forget to call. And don’t forget if you’re in trouble, Dad will come and get you from anywhere, anytime. Do it. He needs an excuse to get out of that desert.’
Dad is thrilled I’m travelling the world with Jordan, boy trouble thrown to the wind. He sent me this awesome brown leather jacket, modelled on Amelia Earhart’s. She was incredible, that woman. If you want to know inspiration, read about her. Along with the jacket was a card saying ‘don’t crash out’. It’s a bit crass, but that’s Dad. You take the good with the bad.
‘Thanks Rosie,’ I whisper. ‘I love you.’
She pulls me tight for a second then lets me go. I miss her already.
‘Your dad lives in the desert?’ Felix asks.
‘You’ve only touched on a cornerstone of my freakish world, my friend,’ I say, moving over to him.
‘I want to know all of it,’ he says. ‘Can’t wait till you’re back.’
I find my brave face. ‘Look after yourself, bub.’ I kiss his cheek. ‘I love you.’
‘You too,’ he says, his voice lost as he swallows. ‘Now go before I make you stay.’
I wish he could see the genuine love I feel for him burning in my eyes, but that’s never going to happen with Felix. It might never happen with anybody ever again. I have to get used to that idea. I have to let it roll over me, like the salt Sydney surf. I will not let it drown me.
Rose takes Felix by the hand and we leave them there, Jordan and I, strolling through customs to freedom.