THE TERROR THAT IS...
THE BATHROOM

Marko here. Man, I can’t believe Kurt’s making me write the chapter on bathrooms. That was just mean of him! Really, who wants to write about—let alone read about—middle school bathrooms? I mean, most of ’em are straight out of the worst horror movie. And even if they’re clean (yeah, right), there’s always that awkward weirdness that goes with... well...“using” that room when other people might be in there.

Hey, Kurt and I understand this. I’m still that way. I hate going into public bathrooms. I fly on planes a lot (like, every week), and I almost never use the bathroom on a plane—it’s like, the worst, because it’s tiny and weird and everyone sees you going in and coming out.

So...what advice can we give you?

If you’re anything like us and you want to avoid the terror that is the bathroom, here are a few tips. (I still can’t believe we’re writing a chapter on this subject!)

First, watch what you eat. In the last chapter, we wrote about how certain foods can make you sleepy or disrupt your concentration. Well, at the risk of stepping into WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION LAND, it’s fair to say that those same foods that aren’t good for your concentration can also be not-so-helpful here. In other words, if you eat greasy foods, you’re much more likely to have to... uh...“go,” if you know what we mean. Not only that, but greasy foods lead to the worst kind of “having to go,” if you know what we mean. And, really, we all want to avoid that!

Second, get in and get out. I mean, sometimes you just have to use that place. Find the one on your campus that’s less busy than others, or ask your teacher for a pass during class (so you might luck out and find the place empty). Do what you gotta do, wash up, and leave. Keep your head down, and don’t make eye contact with anyone. (We’re only kind of kidding on those last two points.)

Finally, stop to wash your hands. Yeah, we know we sound like your mom or a health teacher right now. But seriously, you just gotta. Really. Don’t be nasty. A quick spot of soap, then scrub and rinse, and you can leave feeling clean and germ-free, instead of feeling like you’re bringing the bathroom-of-terror with you throughout your day.

And that’s all we have to say about that!