I’ve been bad about writing in my journal. Really bad. It’s been ages. After that big marathon writing thing, where I practically got a hand cramp putting down all the details of the worst twenty-four hours of my life, well … After that I’d look at the thing and really not want to touch it. Kind of like I feel about the leftover lingcod in our freezer. Just doesn’t look all that appetizing.
But stuff has been happening. It’s just sort of quiet stuff. Literally. At first I had no idea what to say about it. But Will kind of cleared it up today. Kind of put words to it and made it real.
He’s been back at school for around six days.
I was really braced, waiting for someone to beat him over the head with it. But instead everybody just got sort of … quiet. I’d walk into a class with him, and whoever was in the room before us would just clam up. The silence got pretty heavy. It was like some kind of radio waves, following us everywhere we went.
The first one of each class was hard, because the teacher always asked him to stay a minute after class. Then he’d stand by their desks looking helpless, and they’d say something meant to be supportive. “I am so, so sorry about what happened to your brother, Will. We’re all holding a good thought for your family.” Some crap like that. Meanwhile, I could feel the waves of misery pouring off him. But there wasn’t much I could do to help. You can put yourself in front of a knife or a gun. For a buddy you just might. But how do you put yourself in front of somebody who thinks they’re being nice?
Why is it so much harder when it’s him getting hurt? That’s harder for me than when they hurt me. Me, I just figure, Hell, I’m tough. I can take it. But having to hurt on his behalf. Man. That’s a tough one.
So I’d just stand there like a dork, ten steps back, like I could dive in and stop the bleeding when it was over. But I couldn’t. That’s the problem. I couldn’t.
We’d just move on to the next class. And the minute we did, more silence. It even happened in the halls. This floating bubble of silence that walked with us. If we slowed down, so did the silence. It was like something out of science fiction. It’s almost hard to explain.
I do have to say, though, there was one girl who was actually nice. Her name is Kara, and she’s popular. And in spite of that popularity, she actually took the time to treat Will like a human being. To look him right in the eye and say, “It’s terrible what happened, and I’m really sorry.”
But by that time Will was just so numb. I don’t think he realized what a huge thing had just happened.
Neither one of us talked about it. None of it. Not about what happened, and not about what’s been happening since. Not even with each other.
Then, today, we were walking home from school, because the bus is pretty brutal. Will looked over at me, and I knew in my gut he was going to talk about it. I don’t even know how I knew. I just did. I guess I’m getting pretty good at reading silences.
He said, “Remember when people used to talk?”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“Sometimes not exactly to me. But at least they talked about me. At least they talked in my presence. It’s like the aliens came and stole all our sound.”
“It’s been weird.”
“I don’t just mean at school. You should try it at my house. My father not only won’t talk to me, he won’t look at me. It’s like I’m not even there. I start to feel like I’m not even there. Hey.”
He stopped walking. It took me a couple of steps to notice. I turned around, expecting him to catch up with me. But he didn’t. So I walked back to where he was standing.
“Hey what?”
“Maybe I’m not.”
“Not what?”
“There.”
I figured he was kidding. I hoped he was kidding. Hell, I prayed he was kidding. I had to act like I was sure he was. Anything else would be too weird. I reached out and pinched him on the arm. Pretty hard.
“Ow,” he said, rubbing his arm.
“Congratulations. You’re there.”
He just kept standing there with that confused look on his face. “Maybe you’re the only one who sees me.”
“Okay. Okay. You’re seriously freaking me out. You have officially begun to freak me out.”
“You’re the only one who even looks at me.”
“Dude,” I said. “Think what you’re saying. If they didn’t see you come into a room, how would they know to suddenly go all quiet?”
“Maybe they just feel … like … this big, spooky wind blow through.”
“Okay. Freaking out. Please don’t get weird on me. You’re kidding. Right? Please say you’re kidding.”
He looked up at me, and it seemed like the evil curse was suddenly lifted. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m kidding. Of course I am.”
We started to walk again. But I didn’t feel all better. I still felt a little shaken up. Especially when he added one final word. Real quiet. But there it was.
“Mostly.”
I’m really starting to worry about Will.