The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty

I need to communicate with my partner about what is going on with my body and explain it isn’t the same as it used to be. I just don’t know where to begin.

“My body feels like an alien being,” you tell me. “I want my old self back!” We spent decades figuring out who we were sexually, what turned us on, what touch or rhythm brought us to orgasm, and how to please a partner. Now it feels like we have to learn this all over again.

Aging affects sex in a gazillion ways: physical comfort, emotional needs, body image, and what we need for sexual arousal and pleasure, to name a few. This is true whether we’re having sex with someone new, a reunited lover from our past, or a longtime partner. It’s not what we signed up for, but it’s what we get with aging.

We may need stronger or lighter stimulation now, a gentler or rougher touch, slower or faster rhythm, and lots more time. Sometimes we don’t even know what we need, and we mistakenly think that if sex as we knew it no longer works for us, we’re doomed to a sexless future. Not true! We just have to rediscover what turns us on now and makes our body respond. Think of it as a wonderful journey of discovery.

Maybe we’re not automatically and mindlessly turned on the way we used to be when the hormones took center stage and sang the “Hallelujah” chorus. We may not go through the day aroused, but we are “arousable.” If we look at aging as a series of changes, not deficiencies, we’ll be better able to cope and find ways to keep sex (and all those other parts of life) enjoyable.

Instead of focusing on what doesn’t work, let’s focus on what does work, and make that special, such as:

• Plan sex for the time of day when you are most energetic and in the mood for sex. If you’re too tired for sex at night, enjoy a morning or afternoon delight. If energy is a problem, try resting or napping first.

• Have sex before a meal—not after one. When our diminished blood flow is working on digestion, there isn’t enough to arouse the genitals. You’ll have more energy and better arousal before eating.

• If a medical condition is making sex problematic, plan your sex dates for the times that your medication is working best to ease the condition while leaving you lively. Ask your doctor about the timing of your medications—is there a way to modify the schedule for better sexual response and comfort?

I have to be careful and not play into that old, competitive shtick of “Oh, you think that’s bad? I’ve got this, that, and the other ailment!” because invariably there’s always someone a lot worse off. So long as I can still get up and move—and occasionally enjoy whatever sexual stimulation I can manage—I’m not going to complain.

• Celebrate the deliciousness of long, slow arousal. Rather than wishing orgasm came faster, enjoy the slow-moving ride. That goes for men as well as women.

• So what if you’re not lubricating well enough for sex—apply lubricant to make your genitals juicy again. (More about lubricants later in this chapter.)

• If stiff joints interfere with your enjoyment of sex, try a shower or a bath to loosen up. Swimming, tai chi, yoga, Pilates, and other kinds of gentle exercise also benefit joints.

• Try new positions if a position you used to love is no longer comfortable. If one position is the best way for you to reach orgasm but you can’t stay in it comfortably for a long enough time, try starting in another position and finishing with your favorite.

• If you’re partnered, emphasize intimacy. Kiss, laugh, and touch each other a lot. Express your love and attraction for your partner as part of your interaction all the time, not just when you want or are having sex.

My beloved husband and I had the most amazing sex life, which endured up to his seventy-ninth year when he became ill. We mourned the loss of it for the years remaining, but even then, the touch of his hand on my stomach sent thrills through me.

We now treat sex like a very tasty treat—we nibble away at it, rather than dump the whole box of chocolates on the table at once.

In a study of 1,789 women ages fifty and above, only 12 percent said that they were satisfied with their bodies.¹ That means that 88 percent of us are not! Half of the satisfied 12 percent still found things they didn’t like.² We’re never really satisfied.

When have we women ever loved our bodies? Didn’t most of us fret about body size and shape since we were teenagers? Yet when we look at photos of ourselves as young women, or even ten years ago, we marvel now at how good we looked then. Could we see it at the time? No way.

Please, if your female partner is self-conscious about her body, give her truthful compliments that emphasize the features that you find sexy and alluring. What turns you on about her? Say it out loud. Never, even in anger or mindlessness, utter a hurtful comment that she will never be able to forget.

Although men may appear to be less sensitive about their bodies, some have body image concerns and many are anxious about whether their penises will perform (more about that later). Let’s be kind and loving to each other. Describing what turns you on about your partner’s body goes a lot further than pointing out defects.

Instead of seeing sex with a partner as an embarrassing reveal of our (or our partner’s) body’s flaws, let’s see it instead as an opportunity to give and receive pleasure, an affirmation of intimacy, a celebration that we can still feel sexual joy.

“I’m photographing real women in lingerie,” Ruth Lefkowitz told me shortly before my sixty-sixth birthday. “Would you be willing to model?” Not that I was shy, but I had worn lingerie only for intimate times with a lover, never for a photography session, and I wasn’t feeling confident that my body looked as good as it used to. But whose does? And if you can’t do something new and scary at our age, when can you do it?

I loved the experience, and I loved the results (which you can see on my blog—put LINGERIE SHOOT in the search box). In fact, I enjoyed it so much that two years later, I did it again for my sixty-eighth birthday. Here’s what I learned both times:

We can choose to just say no to society’s view that older women’s bodies are no longer sexy. These are the bodies that we live in. They are capable of giving us extraordinary pleasure. Let’s finally give ourselves permission to fling away our insecurities about body image. I’m not telling you to hire a boudoir photographer and take your clothes off if this doesn’t appeal to you—but I do recommend it if it intrigues you!

These changes are all normal. You may not experience all of these, but they are very common as we age.

Additional problems that are not specifically sexual can impact our sexual enjoyment, too: loss of flexibility, arthritis, fatigue, lack of stamina, bad health. (You’ll read more about medical conditions and sex in future chapters.)

These challenges are not cause for doom and gloom. Learn what’s going on and what you can expect, and make sexual pleasure a priority during this new stage of life. Sex may take a different form than it used to, but you do not have to give it up. Sex is an important part of our health, well-being, pleasure, and intimacy.

Did you notice how many of the sex and aging changes I listed are the same or similar in both male and female bodies? At this time of life, we’re more alike than different. Often partners of men do not realize that their guys are often embarrassed to talk about their changes and their new need for extended stimulation. A good first step, whatever your gender: talk to each other.

Here’s a sample opener: “I’m finding that my sexual responses are changing as I age. Are yours? Could we explore different things that might feel good to us now?”

Communicate with your health professionals as well as your partner. Tell your doctor what’s interfering with your sexual enjoyment and comfort, and ask if changing your medications might let you be more sexually responsive. There might be an easy fix if you’re not shy about asking. Do not experiment on your own with decreasing, increasing, adding, or discontinuing medications—you could do yourself real harm (see chapter 8, You and Your Doctor, for more).

It’s helpful to involve a sex therapist if you haven’t had sex for a while, and you’re having trouble opening to each other sexually again. The therapist can teach you both communications tools, help you get to and resolve the real issues, and start you on the path to regain sexual and emotional intimacy.

A sex therapist can also teach you how to do sensate focus exercises, where you focus your awareness on the physical sensations of touching and being touched without genital-oriented goals. Sensate focus helps couples reestablish intimacy when they’ve been derailed by physical or relationship changes, lack of communication, mismatched desire, or problems engaging in the kind of sexual interactions they’re used to. Some couples find that their sex lives improve dramatically by putting the effort into these simple exercises for enjoying the sensations of the moment, with no expectations, no requirements, and no goals.

Whatever your gender, it’s likely that you need more stimulation to get fully aroused. Extra time might do the trick—a slow, touch-filled afternoon in bed rather than a rushed and frustrating quickie before work or at the end of a tiring day. But you may find that even with all the time in the world, your body is barely responding. It feels like those nerve endings that used to quiver with every touch on your skin are now hidden deep inside—you just don’t feel as much. Try these for an extra zing of sensation:

Sex toys. Learn more about sex toys in chapter 4, Sex with Yourself and Toys, and by visiting a local, women-friendly sex shop. Women-friendly doesn’t mean women only—it means the store is a clean, well-lighted place where people of all genders and orientations feel welcome, with knowledgeable and helpful staff, and often an educational focus. My blog, www.NakedatOurAge.com, has links to several retailers that I endorse.

Clitoral arousal gels. These have ingredients that relax blood vessels to allow for more blood flow to the genitals, creating greater arousal and ease of reaching orgasm. They also stimulate sensation with ingredients that cause a warm and tingly feeling. Of course our experiences will vary—a product that feels fabulously tingly to one woman might feel unpleasantly burning to another, or not register much of any sensation to a third. Apply just a tiny drop first, then add more after a few minutes if you like it and want more intensity.

Personally, I love these. Ingredients like peppermint oil, sweet almond oil, menthol, arginine, and niacin (vitamin B3) give me a sensation that’s somewhere between a tingle and almost a sting—but a good sting. There are arousal gels that are subtle, though my aging body prefers strong ones like Wet’s wOw Max, Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel by Blossom Organics, JO Volt 12V, and Stimulating O Gel by Sliquid Organics. Others have recommended Sensuva’s On Arousal Oil and Intense Clitoral Gel from Intimate Organics. Many sex stores sell sampler packs, so you can experiment and discover which works best for you.

Check the ingredients, though. Avoid products with PEG-8 and propylene glycol if you want to use the gel during oral sex, because your partner might get sick from swallowing it.⁴ Avoid products with L-arginine if you have herpes⁵, heart problems, diabetes, or breast cancer.⁶ Always check the packaging for additional cautions.

G-spot stimulation. We came of age before anyone had heard of the Gräfenberg spot, more commonly known as the G-spot. (I thank sex researcher Beverly Whipple for her fine work in this area.) If you have a vagina and haven’t found your G-spot, I invite you to explore. Lubricate one or two fingers (a partner’s helping hand often works better than your own), insert shallowly in your vagina, palm facing your belly, curving the fingers. Stroke or tap toward the front of the vaginal wall with a beckoning or “come hither” motion. The owner of the fingers may feel a spongy or slightly ridged spot, or the spot may be elusive until the vagina owner feels a special surge of pleasure. Some women insist that the G-spot doesn’t exist (at least in their bodies), but many of us get great pleasure from having that area stimulated. Some women experience female ejaculation, often called squirting, from strong G-spot stimulation.

P-spot stimulation. The P-spot—the prostate—is an intense pleasure center for a man, capable of giving him gratifying sensations and strong orgasms. Some call it the “male G-spot.” Gay and bisexual men have long known about the pleasures of anal penetration. Many straight men are now discovering that prostate stimulation is enjoyable and doesn’t imply anything about one’s sexual orientation—it means that the man is open-minded enough to be receptive to this strong source of pleasure. (See sidebar: Prostate Massage).

Try a new flavor of sex. In chapter 6, Stretching Boundaries, you’ll read about ways folks of our age use fantasy, erotica, relationship variety, and kink to intensify their sex lives. Some of these ways might tickle your fancy; others won’t. Be open-minded about learning, let your fantasies roam, and see where they take you. Adding the spice of fantasy—even (especially?) if you’re imagining something you wouldn’t do in real life—can ignite your delight.

Watch your partner. If it doesn’t feel too invasive, ask your partner if you can watch how he or she self-pleasures, and show your partner the same. The results might bring you more ideas—and stimulation—than you imagined.

After multiple surgeries, I am covered with scars, am overweight, and can’t wear a bra, so the girls are really heading south. My husband still has a very active sex drive. As children of the seventies, I always thought we were very open about sex, and we discussed and tried many of our fantasies over the years. But things have changed. Finally we talked about his frustration, my inability to believe he could desire this body, and what we could do now that intercourse is no longer an option.

Recently after some serious foreplay and mutual masturbation, it became obvious that he was not going to bring me to climax because I am taking large doses of painkillers. He said, “You do it.”

As I lay back on the couch and began, this wonderful man watched as I reached with one hand around my belly to the mound I can’t even see anymore and cupped my breast with the other. He became even more excited and said, “God, if I can watch you come like this, it’ll be the highlight of my year!”

I still get tears in my eyes as I write this.

If you’re partnered, share your discoveries with your lover once you’ve figured out some new techniques or products that you like. Many couples give up on sex when the old ways don’t work, not realizing that a new way of doing things can bring back the zest and intimacy.

PROSTATE MASSAGE

By Charlie Glickman, PhD

Most men and their partners have only heard about the health concerns that affect prostates. But prostates have a lot more to offer than that!

Prostate massage can feel amazing, whether on its own or along with other kinds of sexual stimulation. Some men describe it as “the feeling like the first part of an orgasm.” That’s because the prostate squeezes during ejaculation, but instead of that sensation lasting just a few seconds, prostate massage can go as long as you want.

The easiest way to reach the prostate is through anal penetration. Simply slip on a glove for easy cleanup, get some lubricant on a finger, insert it about 3 to 4 inches (7.5–10 cm), and curve your finger toward the navel. (If your fingers are shorter than that, you can insert all the way and then press further in. The flexibility of the pelvic floor will allow for deeper penetration.)

The prostate will feel like a ripe plum. Stroke, don’t poke! Try making circles, the “come hither” motion, or tapping with your fingertip. You can combine it with penis stimulation, or alternate, as you both prefer. Use firm pressure but not too hard. Think of spreading butter on toast—not too little, not too much.

Since prostates often get larger as men age, it’s usually easier to find on older guys. And some men find that massage helps with symptoms of BPH (benign prostatic hyperplasia, a noncancerous enlargement of the prostate gland, a common occurrence in older men), so there can even be some wellness benefits from it.

For the record, doctors are trained to not make prostate exams feel good, because they don’t want to be accused of sexual harassment. So don’t let your experiences with a doctor get in your way of enjoying yourself.

—Charlie Glickman, PhD, is coauthor, with Aislinn Emirzian, of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners, which includes overcoming common concerns, massage tips, positions, using toys, and prostate health.

Lubricant can enhance the joy of two bodies rubbing together (or one body rubbing itself or an object), whatever the age of those bodies. At our age, adding lube is usually a necessity. Older women experience less natural lubrication, often not enough for comfortable penetration or even genital touching. Pair that with thinning vaginal tissues, and sex that used to make you go “Ooh!” can make you go “Ow!” Lubricants are always necessary for anal sex.

We’re lucky to be living in an age where lubricants for sex are plentiful, safe, easy to find, inexpensive, and varied for every need or desire. Some lubricants feel like natural lubrication. Others are slick and slippery. Some are thick and help cushion delicate tissues. You can find organic lubricants; cooling, warming, or stimulating lubricants; lubes with flavors and scents; and that’s just the beginning.

You’ll see lubricants on the shelf at your local drugstore, but those choices are limited and many have harmful ingredients. I suggest buying from a women-friendly sexuality shop, either local or online, such as those recommended on my blog, www.NakedatOurAge.com. They have the greatest variety for every preference imaginable and are careful to carry only products that meet their quality and safety standards.

You may get dizzy figuring out which lubricant to buy, once you see the variety available. Try small samplers so you can decide on some favorites. Here are the different types of lube and some points to keep in mind from sex educators Megan Andelloux, CSE, IF, and Clinical Sexologist⁷; Jennifer Pritchett, MS, owner of The Smitten Kitten; and Sarah Mueller, lube specialist at The Smitten Kitten⁸:

Water-based lubes are compatible with latex condoms and all sex toys. However, many drugstore-brand water-based lubricants contain ingredients such as parabens, propylene glycol, glycerin, and hard preservatives that can exacerbate pelvic pain conditions like vulvodynia and dyspareunia. These ingredients can damage the cells of the vagina and rectum, leaving you more vulnerable to infections, including HIV. This is especially important for an aging vagina or rectum because the tissues are commonly more delicate and fragile. To avoid these ingredients, seek out high-quality, organic, water-based lubes from a reputable, education-based retailer.

Silicone lubricants are best for sensitive genitals, last much longer than water-based lubes, and are fine with condoms. They keep their slickness in water. They are recommended for anal play. Don’t use silicone lube with silicone or Cyber-Skin sex toys. Silicone lube is flammable if it comes in direct contact with a flame, so don’t be clumsy with a lit candle.⁹

Hybrid lubes are a blend of water-based and silicone, safe with condoms, dental dams, and latex gloves, and usually compatible with silicone sex toys. They last longer than regular water-based lubricants and are less likely to get tacky. Choose a hybrid lubricant that does not contain parabens, propylene glycol, or glycerin (see above, water-based lubes),

Warming and cooling lubricants are not recommended if you have pelvic pain. The warming lubes can cause a burning sensation—only use them if you already know you like them. Many of us like the cooling lubes, which are less irritating, but they are still to be avoided with pelvic pain.

Petroleum-based lubes, such as mineral oil or Vaseline, are okay for external male masturbation, but are hazardous when used internally for vaginal or anal play. Petroleum-based products irritate the vagina and rectal lining and will not clear out of the body easily, promoting harmful bacterial growth that will likely result in a trip to the doctor to treat bacterial vaginosis or a resulting yeast infection. These oils will break down latex barriers such as condoms, dental dams, and gloves, and will stain fabric.

Food oils and other plant-based oils are usually not recommended, especially if you are prone to bacterial vaginosis or yeast infections, because they accelerate bacteria growth in the vagina and are not easily flushed out. However, sex educators are divided about recommending coconut oil, which many people report enjoying without ill effects. Oil-based lubricants will break down condoms and stain fabric.

Saliva does not provide enough cushioning or slickness for our needs and dries up quickly.

Bottom line: get a lubricant made explicitly for sex play—you’ll be surprised at how much it improves sex with yourself, with a partner, and/or with a sex toy.

I’ve been doing Kegel exercises the way a physical therapist taught me: (1) lying on the floor with knees bent and (2) making sure to fully relax as well as contract the muscles. I do a set of ten every morning. I can happily say that my occasional stress incontinence has disappeared completely, and I have stronger orgasmic contractions than I used to, which prolongs the pleasure of climaxing. For a few minutes and no cost, I’d say that’s a great investment!

The PC (pubococcygeus) muscles are the muscles that contract during orgasm. Regular pelvic floor workouts, aka Kegel exercises, lead to more enjoyable sex: easier arousal, stronger orgasms, more pleasure. If that’s not enough, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles also protects against urinary incontinence. (Ah, now I have your attention!)

You’ve probably heard, “Do your Kegels,” but you may not have been told how to do them most effectively. Here are step-by-step instructions for women from Myrtle Wilhite, MD, MS, and co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center (www.sexualityresources.com):

1. Lie down on your back in a comfortable place with your knees bent, feet flat. Lying down takes the weight off your pelvic floor and leads to earlier success. Have your Kegel tool (if you are using one) and lubricant with you.

• If you’re using a tool, such as Betty’s Vaginal Barbell by created by Betty Dodson, the Stone Exercise Egg, or the Energie Exerciser, coat it with lubricant and insert it into your vagina until it comfortably slips into place just behind the pubic bone. You can’t push it in too far; it cannot get lost inside of you.

• If you’re using your finger(s), wash your hands first, then coat your finger(s) with lubricant. Next, insert your finger(s) about two inches into your vagina.

• You can also practice Kegels with nothing inside your vagina.

2. Contract your pelvic floor muscles. It will feel like you’re pulling up and in toward your belly button. Don’t push out, unless specifically advised by a health care provider. If you’re using a tool, you should feel it rise a bit. If you’re using your finger, you should feel a gentle tightening around the finger. Relax your leg, buttock, and abdominal muscles and breathe normally throughout the exercise.

3. Hold the lift for a count of five. If you’re using a tool, you can add resistance by pulling gently on it as you continue using your muscles to pull the tool inward and upward. Remember to breathe!

4. Relax your muscles.

5. Important: After each contraction, take a deep belly breath. Inhale deeply and gently blow out the air while you relax your pelvis completely. This deep relaxation is just as important as the other steps, because the deep belly breath relaxes the muscles that are not under your conscious control.

“Pay equal attention to the contraction and the relaxation of the muscles that surround the vagina in particular,” says sex educator and counselor Ellen Barnard, MSSW, co-owner of A Woman’s Touch. “Otherwise you may find that these muscles are stiff and inflexible, which will also get in the way of comfortable penetration when you are ready to have it.”

The deep relaxation phase is often omitted when we’re told how to do our Kegels, but they’re as important to practice as the contraction. Many women of our age, especially after a period of celibacy, experience what feels like tightening or shrinking of the vaginal opening, because the muscles don’t fully release. This can interfere with our enjoyment of penetrative sex. Regular Kegel exercises can help relax the vaginal opening.

You can practice your Kegels without tools or fingers, even on the go: standing in the grocery line, driving, walking, working at your desk, during your Pilates or yoga class. If you’re doing them in public, be sure you’ve mastered the part about not contracting your buttocks, or anyone standing behind you will see what you’re doing!

Kegels aren’t just for women. The muscles located in the perineum, the area between the scrotum and the anus, contract during a man’s orgasm. Kegel exercises can make sex more pleasurable for men with age-related, less intense orgasms. “By strengthening the muscles of the perineum, you will pump more blood to this vital area, achieve greater ejaculatory control, and increase the intensity of your orgasms,” says urologist Dudley S. Danoff, MD, FACS, author of Penis Power: The Ultimate Guide to Male Sexual Health.

“Pelvic Floor Health for Men,” an online brochure from A Woman’s Touch (www.a-womans-touch.com/documents/ PelvicFloorMen12.pdf), offers complete instructions for doing Kegels and lists these benefits for men:

• Helps maintain erections through strong pelvic floor muscle tone that holds the blood in the penis more effectively.

• Orgasms feel bigger and stronger when the pelvic floor muscles are strong.

• More forceful ejaculations.

• Keeps urine inside the bladder at moments of unexpected belly pressure (laughing, coughing, lifting, sneezing, jumping).

• Keeps stool inside the rectum until you consciously relax your pelvic floor to allow it to pass.

To find the right muscles, imagine pulling your testicles into your body. Hold the contraction as you count to five, then release completely (don’t push out, just relax the muscles). Your penis will rise as you tighten the muscles and fall as you relax them.

UNDER A BLACK CLOUD

Do you wish you had the motivation to get in shape, have more sex, enjoy sex more, and accomplish your goals, but it’s all too difficult? Occasional sadness is part of our lives, but if you’re almost always gloomy and feel powerless to make changes, you may be suffering from depression.

Exercise is a proven antidepressant, and even ten minutes of exercise can alter your mood. Go for a brisk walk, dance in the living room, or get on that treadmill or exercise bike that’s been gathering dust. You’ll see that it lifts your mood.

But if you’re too depressed to try to make improvements, or if your depression doesn’t lift or returns with a vengeance, please talk to a therapist who will help you figure out what’s going on. Talk therapy may be all you need, or a combination of talk therapy and an antidepressant might be the ticket.

Even if you usually feel good about yourself, if a recent loss has you spiraling in grief, you may be suffering from situational depression. I’m usually the most upbeat and energetic person you’ll ever meet, but this happened to me when Robert died. I couldn’t stop crying in private and in public. It took a combination of counselors and a temporary course of antidepressants to get me functioning normally again. I’m grateful to them for getting me back on track.

I implore you not to white-knuckle your depression—it’s not likely to get better on its own, and you’ll just prolong it by not seeking help. I know it’s hard to explore options when you feel bad about yourself and the future looks bleak, but you can get help and feel better. Show a trusted friend or medical professional this section and ask for help getting started.

Aren’t we lucky! Special cushions, chairs, loungers, and other appurtenances that we lie on, sit in, or otherwise use for support are now made specifically for sex. These often let us modify or circumvent the problems that were stopping us from enjoying our favorite sex acts and positions. Some folks may use sex furniture for novelty—many use it out of necessity.

Robert and I used to laugh about how decrepit we felt trying to get into sexual positions that felt fine a decade before. I wouldn’t say either of us bragged about being sexual gymnasts in our youth, but at least our desires weren’t foiled by our abilities to get our bodies in the positions we liked best—until our sixties. With his bad back, my arthritic knees and neck, and the length of time we needed, we had to be careful what we tried, and generally we relied on the few positions that caused no discomfort. (Changing positions often might be a solution for you—for us, it interrupted the buildup.)

We were overjoyed to discover the Wedge, a special cushion made for sex. It’s smooth and comfortable and keeps its firm shape so one person’s hips are elevated and the back is well supported during the missionary position, oral sex, partner kneeling, partner standing at the side of the bed, and many other positions. The Wedge is made by Liberator (www.liberator.com), which makes sex furniture of many shapes and sizes.

Clinical sexologist Dr. Marylou Naccarato (www.DrMarylou.com) has designed the Love Bench™ to enable a variety of sexual positions and adaptations for people with limited mobility in hips and knees. It can be custom ordered to meet your individual measurements. Other brands of sex furniture are Love Bumper (www.lovebumper.com) in Canada and Intimate Furniture (www.intimatefurniture.com), both recommended by sex educators whom I respect. Though I haven’t had occasion to try it, the Tantra Chair (www.tantrachair.com) is real furniture: a full-sized, S-shaped chaise longue that allows for endless possibilities of sexual positions. IntimateRider (www.intimaterider.com) makes a gliding chair for sex, designed for men with spinal cord injuries. It’s also useful for people of any orientation or gender who have other mobility and balance limitations, such as Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis, and amputation, according to Jennifer Pritchett, MS, owner of Smitten Kitten. “It also works great for bondage!” she tells me.

Just as society and the media tell us that we’re only sexy if we’re young, we’re also bludgeoned with the notion that we’re only sexy if we’re slim. I have the pleasure of knowing some lusciously curvaceous women who revel in their bodies. They feel sexy and exude confidence. Rather than hide under shapeless clothing, they flaunt their bodacious cleavage, curvy hips, and sexy attitude. Their partners appreciate their curves and their sensuality.

I often hear from women who feel that their weight is their enemy. They feel unhealthy, undesirable, and unhappy. They may be depressed, which is part of a vicious cycle—they’re depressed, so they eat more and exercise less, they gain more weight, they get more depressed. They have sex in the dark wearing oversized T-shirts, if they have sex at all. When sex stops, if it was there to begin with, that’s cause for more depression.

How do you break out of that cycle? First, say no to society’s view of larger bodies as unworthy of sexual pleasure and attention. Say no to your own view of your weight as a reason that you’re unentitled to express your sexuality. Say no to that voice in your head that clamps you down when you feel like a sexual being.

Want to know the best, most effective, and least expensive remedy for a sagging sex life? Exercise. Seriously! You don’t have to join a gym (unless you enjoy gyms), invest in expensive equipment, or even get sweaty. Just enjoy physical activity that raises your heart rate (even a little!) and works your muscles. Immediately, you’ll have more energy, and your joints will feel lubricated. The increased blood flow to the heart and muscles will go to the genitals, too, making sexual arousal easier, faster, and stronger.

Here’s another bonus: exercise improves sexual function if you’re taking antidepressants, especially if you exercise just before sex. A 2013 study of women who reported problems with libido and orgasm as side effects from antidepressants reported that when they engaged in thirty minutes of moderately intense exercise right before sex, they experienced significantly stronger libido and better sexual function overall.¹⁰ One more good reason to exercise!

If exercise hurts, try a different kind of exercise. A certified personal trainer who is used to working with people your age and with your medical condition would be a good start. You don’t have to sign up for the rest of your life; just tell your trainer that you’d like a few sessions to design a program that works for you and to make sure you’re doing it correctly. If you can’t afford a personal trainer, try a senior exercise class at your local health club or senior center, but inquire whether the leader is certified, and watch a class first to make sure the leader individualizes exercises for class members.

You think you hate exercise? That just means that you haven’t found the kind of physical activity that you enjoy. Instead of thinking exercise, think movement. Do you like dancing? Hiking? Swimming? Playing with children? Walking your dog?

If your life feels too busy to set aside exercise time, focus on making the things you do anyway more physically active. Walk over to a neighbor’s house or coworker’s office instead of emailing or phoning. Wash the car by hand instead of using the drive-through. I pulled together three hundred painless, fun ideas for making your daily life more active in The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book: 300+ Quick and Easy Exercises You Can Do Whenever You Want! (Order it directly from me by emailing joan@joanprice.com; tell me you read about it in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, and I’ll give you free shipping.)