The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty

This post got a quick thumbs-up from most readers, but these comments also appeared:

Staying sexual is within our own power. Although partner sex is wonderful, we’re not all lucky enough to have a sexual partner at this time of our lives. That does not mean that we can’t be sexual. We can still remain sexual with ourselves, our toys, our fantasies, and our memories. It’s important for our health that we do so—and important for our quality of life. Please take this to heart.

Touching yourself for pleasure involves all of you—how you think and feel as well as your physical sensations. When you masturbate, you take the responsibility for sexual pleasure literally into your own hands. In fact, sex therapists routinely prescribe it as homeplay for women who need to know more about their sexual responses—what they like, what they don’t like, how they feel, how they can be independently sexual, and how they can gather crucial clues for their sexual partners.

—Gina Ogden in The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion

I’ve heard people scoff at my recommendation to learn how to pleasure yourself, saying, “As if we haven’t learned this by now!” But our bodies continue to change, and part of how we change with aging is how we respond sexually.

Often the ways we used to masturbate don’t work so well anymore. Maybe we need more sensation, a different kind of touch, or so much time that we sometimes give up and rip into the ice cream instead. Rather than giving up, let’s learn what does work and enjoy it.

Even if we have a partner, self-stimulation is still important. Pleasuring ourselves is the way to rediscover what turns us on as our bodies change. It’s not fair to expect our partners to figure this out for us if we haven’t figured it out for ourselves.

Solo sex is a way we can explore what pleases us now and what works to give us great orgasms. We can then share that information with our partners, if we have them, or continue to pleasure ourselves solo with heightened awareness. Here are some tips:

Choose the time of day when you feel most sexually responsive. Pay attention to how sexy you feel on waking, after coffee, or after you’ve gotten up and moved around a bit. Often the sexiest time is right after exercise. You probably won’t feel aroused after a meal, when the blood flow is going to your digestive system, but you may feel sexy right before that meal. Medications or medical conditions may affect your responsiveness at different times of the day. When you feel the tingle, set aside time for yourself. If that’s not possible—you’re at work, for example—use your knowledge of your erotic clock to schedule alone time on your next free day.

Choose the ambience and preparation that give you the best combination of relaxation and arousal. You want to be relaxed enough to invite your sexuality to emerge without anxiety or distraction, but you don’t want to be so relaxed that you fall into slumber. What works best for you? Sensual lighting? Music? In bed? In a bathtub? Outdoors? After a glass of wine? While reading erotica? Watching porn or a romantic movie? There are no right or wrong answers, just what’s right for your body, your mind, your mood.

My ex-husband frequently played erotic videos, and they worked well to stimulate me, too. Problem was, I had none now and could not afford to acquire any. So I decided to use music and my own imagination to help get the juices flowing. It worked. I was heady with the newfound power. Just knowing how to pleasure myself opened a whole new world. I no longer felt dependent on the skills of a lover or a video—I became independently sexual.

Explore your body slowly. Use self-pleasuring to learn about your erogenous zones and the kind of stimulation you like—and how these both might have changed, rather than racing to orgasm. You may learn that your breasts are less sensitive now, or more sensitive, or you like to pinch your nipples rather than caress them. You may learn that you like anal stimulation, or that there’s a special spot on your neck or thigh that makes you shiver when touched just right. What position lets you stay relaxed and comfortable while enhancing the sensations? Do you like to lie still, or move? What kind of movement?

Experiment with different kinds of touch. Do you like touch that’s light, firm, or varied? Gentle or rough? Whole hand or fingertips? As you get more aroused, how does your preferred kind of touch change? What rhythm do you like? What happens if you vary the rhythm? How does lubricant on the genitals or massage oil on other parts of your body enhance the sensations?

Try an assortment of sex toys. As I always say, a well-chosen, well-placed sex toy can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm. It’s sometimes that simple. With the right sex toy and the right fantasy, we can enjoy the pleasures that our bodies are capable of giving us throughout our lives. More information on sex toys follows, and my blog www.NakedAtOurAge.com has reviews of toys and tools that enhance sex for our age group.

I admit it: vibrators are my best friends, sexually speaking. Without vibrators at my age (seventy as I write this), I’d rarely manage to have an orgasm—with or without a partner—and I really like orgasms. I know our experiences are vastly different—you may have easy orgasms and a toy-free way of getting there. But many of us would rarely enjoy one of life’s greatest pleasures if we couldn’t use our power tools.

As I’ve explained before, we don’t have that hormonal drive to the finish anymore, and less blood flows to the parts that need it. Sex toys give us focused stimulation and blood flow exactly where we need it, as strong as we need it. Even if we start out thinking an orgasm is unlikely, the right sex toy can surprise us. The more orgasms we have, the more easily we reach orgasm the next time. So using a vibrator to get us over the edge actually enhances sensitivity and ease of reaching orgasm.

Sex toys are also wonderful for warm up before or during sex with a partner. They’re not just for solo sex. In fact, sex toys are so valuable in numerous ways, I mention them throughout this book, not just in this chapter.

Before the 1970s, our sex toy options consisted of using “personal massagers” (wink, wink), penis-shaped (or sort of penis-shaped) dildos, or seeing the potential in a cucumber or an electric toothbrush. Now, there are so many different types, styles, shapes, and sizes of sex toys that describing them all would take half this book.

I think of these sensation-giving products as “tools” more than “toys,” but I’ll use the familiar vernacular so that you know what I’m talking about. Some sex toys are explicitly designed for female genitals, some for male genitals, and most can be used by any gender. You can use toys solo or with a partner watching or participating. I’ll divide them roughly into these categories, though some toys overlap categories:

Vibrators run the gamut from light stimulation to turbo power tools. Usually designed for clitoral stimulation, they can be used on any part that feels good on any gendered body. Dual-action vibrators, often known as rabbits (some are actually shaped like rabbits), aim to stimulate both the vagina and clitoris, with varying degrees of success, depending on how well they fit your own dimensions.

Dildos are penetrative toys. They may be realistic, meaning phallus-shaped; curved to reach the G-spot; or molded into an artistic or whimsical design. Dildos don’t necessarily vibrate, though some do. Strap-on dildos let women penetrate men anally (called pegging) or penetrate other women vaginally or anally. They also work for men who do not get erections but want to satisfy a partner who enjoys penetration. Double dildos, toys with a dildo at each end, allow penetration of two partners of whatever gender simultaneously.

Couples vibrators, like the We-Vibe, are designed to be used during heterosexual intercourse—the small, curved shape keeps one end in the vagina where both penis and G-spot come in contact with it, and the other end covers the clitoris.

Butt plugs are inserted in the rectum of either gender for anal stimulation. The anus has a high concentration of nerve endings.

Prostate massagers, such as the well-known Aneros brand toys, are designed specifically to stimulate a man’s prostate gland (also known as the “P-spot” or “male G-spot”), which can be extremely pleasurable.

Cock rings can help keep blood from draining away from an erect penis, giving the erection more staying power. Most are made to fit over the penis and scrotum; others go around the base of the penis only.

Masturbation sleeves cover the penis snugly and enhance the male masturbatory experience. Some vibrate; others leave the motion to the user. The material and design may simulate sex with a vagina, mouth, or anus.

Accessories. A plaything doesn’t have to go on or in your genitals to qualify as a sex toy. For BDSM play (see chapter 6, Stretching Boundaries), role-playing, or just extra stimulation, you may enjoy blindfolds, nipple clamps, restraints, paddles, or any other kind of gear that you use consensually to intensify sexual pleasure.

Explore, experiment, and enjoy! You’ll find some toys that hit the spot—pun intended—and turn your yawn into screams of delight. With all sex toys, use plenty of lubricant.

To narrow down what you’re looking for from the thousands of toys available, start by answering these questions:

1. What do you want the toy to do? I know, “give me orgasms,” but be more specific about how you expect it to work: “fit between two bodies to stimulate my clitoris during partner sex until I’m screaming with pleasure,” or “be worn in a harness for pegging,” or “let me paddle my partner while he is cuffed to the bedpost,” for example.

2. What body part do you want the toy to stimulate? Clitoris? Vagina/G-spot? Penis? Prostate? Anus? Both clitoris and vagina? Nipples? Other nongenital body part?

3. Describe what you do and don’t want it to look like, if you care about this. Some want a dildo to look like a penis. Others really don’t want it to look like a penis.

4. How should it feel? Firm, flexible, cushiony?

5. Should it vibrate? If so, how strong does it need to be: whispery, light, medium, strong, extrastrong, super turbo power? Do you care how noisy it is?

6. What size is too big, too small, just right, if this is a penetrating toy?

7. What mobility restrictions or other physical issues do you need to consider?

8. If this is a role-playing aid, what scene will you enact, and what do you need to make the scene work?

9. What else is important to you?

It’s good to get some sex toy education before making your choice. Thanks to the Internet, we can read reviews of sex toys from users—not just descriptions by the retailer, but actual reviews from bloggers who are candid about the pros and cons.

I agree with doing online research, but I’d have to recommend touching, feeling and handling toys in a shop. Sometimes sizes or texture of toys can surprise. And you need to know if the vibrations are strong enough to work for you. If there’s a female-owned/managed shop near you, go there. They are a growing breed and really keen to make sure you make the right choice for yourself.

You can order sex toys from a reputable retailer online (my blog links to several), or visit a well-stocked, well-lighted, women-welcome sex shop in person. Roam around, look at the toys on display, examine and touch them, turn them on (a good store will have samples that you can pick up and turn on), and ask questions of the well-trained and friendly staff whose job it is to know the products they’re selling.

If you think that a store that sells sex toys must be dark and grungy with sticky floors and leering men in overcoats, your ideas are, fortunately, stuck way in the past. You can find sleazy shops if you like them, but if you’re like me, you’ll prefer the clean, bright, progressive, all-genders-welcome, education-based sex stores. They are often women-owned and women-run, and while they do not ignore the needs of men, they make sure that plenty—if not most—of the products are designed for a woman’s pleasure. They even invite me to come speak to staff and customers, so they’re actively and enthusiastically learning what our age group wants.

“But the workers in these stores are the age of my grand children!” some of you tell me. “I’d be horrified to talk about sex with them!” I get it, but I invite you to look at these remarkable young people in a different way. We mistakenly assume that if they’re the age of our grandchildren, (a) they don’t know much, and (b) we can’t possibly talk about our sexual concerns with them.

But in reality, they’re smart “sex nerds,” meaning that they find sexuality a fascinating and intellectual topic and take their mission seriously to provide sex education to everyone. Believe me, there is nothing you can ask that will shock or surprise them. In fact, one young man told me, “My older customers often start with, ‘I’ll bet you’ve never heard this before’—and it’s never true!”

These folks aren’t just sales associates—they’re sex educators. They have knowledge that will help us enrich our sex lives, and they’re ever eager to learn more. When I work with the staff of these stores, their main question to me is always, “How can I help our older customers feel comfortable asking us questions?”

It’s up to us to meet them with a smile and a question, and give them a chance to help us.

I was diagnosed HIV+ at fifty-five. I’m now fifty-nine. My sex life was nonexistent the first year. I slowly began to enjoy masturbation again. It wasn’t all I wanted, but I found ways to prolong my short moments of joy. Anal masturbation and prostate massage have greatly helped. I enjoy nipple play. I do these things to build up to climax, so foreplay can be an hour or longer before I ever reach for myself. My toys for anal play are vibrators and plugs that give me all-around pleasure.

Male bodies have similar issues as female bodies with different visible results—decreased blood flow and hormonal changes make it more difficult to get or sustain an erection. Men may need longer arousal time and extra stimulation.

There are sex toys made especially for penises, such as masturbation sleeves (vibrating and not), cock rings, and an exceptional vibrator called the Pulse that can be used for sexual pleasure even when an erection is difficult or not possible. For backdoor play, many men get huge pleasure from prostate stimulating toys and butt plugs (women enjoy butt plugs, too).

But you don’t have to stick to sex toys made specifically for male bodies. Many vibrators, dildos, and butt plugs that are marketed to women give plenty of pleasure to a man’s penis, testicles, perineum, anus, prostate, nipples, and anywhere else he’s sensitive.

CAUTIONS FOR ANAL TOYS

Use only toys with a flared base for anal insertion to keep your pleasure device from being pulled in by the powerful sphincter muscles. You do not want to have to visit the emergency room or find yourself on (actual—I am not making them up) web pages like “Things I Have Fished Out of People’s Butts”¹⁴ or “10 Craziest Foreign Objects Found Stuck in a Rectum.”¹⁵

Don’t try to save money by using a household object. The ER costs much more than any toy you could buy. And you’ll have to explain how the object got there.

If you’re not sure that a toy or other object is safe for anal use, do not use it. If anal play is new to you, please visit an education-focused sex toy store, and ask a staff person to help you understand what and what not to put in your butt. Really, it’s okay to ask them that—it’s all part of their day job.

Sex toys are no threat to a partnered sex life—in fact, they enhance it. Same-sex couples generally see all kinds of sex toys as acceptable, even de rigueur, during partner play. Many straight couples do, too, but those older than boomer age may not have ever used sex toys together in the past and may find them threatening. One or more of these misconceptions can interfere.

•If she’s really turned on by me, she shouldn’t need a sex toy when—hello!—here I am.

If you’re a woman in a heterosexual relationship, you’ve probably found that on your own, you zing and sing, thanks to your trusty, vibrating bed buddy. But during partner sex, your clitoris—the center of your pleasure powerhouse—may not be getting enough attention. Even when he’s careful to stimulate you just so, it takes more time, more touching, and more focus. Nothing wrong with that, but if you could speed things up and pretty much guarantee the optimal result, wouldn’t that be a lovely addition to your sex play?

So you may find it very satisfying to have a ménage à trois—you, him, and your vibrator. Many vibrators now are small and unobtrusive enough to fit between two bodies and give the clitoris a buzz without getting in the way. Some are specifically designed as an adjunct to penis-in-vagina sex, sort of U-shaped with one part hugging your clitoris and the other against your G-spot alongside his penis in your vagina. (Intrigued? Try the We-Vibe.)

If you agree that this kind of threesome is just what your sex life needs, or, at least, is worth a try, how do you convince him? If you worry that he’ll think you’re saying that he’s not enough anymore, or that you prefer plastic and silicone to the real thing, try this approach:

1. Introduce him to your favorite toy when you’re starting your sex play—but not yet in the throes of passion. Run it over his nipples. If he likes that, hand it to him and let him experiment on himself.

2. Show him how you like to use it on yourself. Don’t get carried away—at first—just let him see how you respond.

3. Let him hold it and arouse you with it. Give him plenty of feedback about what rhythm and pressure feel best. You might hold your hand on his to guide him.

4. Say something like, “I love how it feels when you’re inside me. I’ll bet it would be really arousing for me if we used a vibrator on my clitoris at the same time. Could we try it?” or “I love how you bring me to orgasm with your hand, but I worry about how long it takes me to reach orgasm. Can we add a vibrator to save you from carpal tunnel syndrome?”

Be patient if he seems a bit vibrator-adverse at first. You don’t have to go through all of those steps at the same time. But chances are he’ll realize not only how much you enjoy it, but how much the two of you will enjoy it together!

I love sex toys, and I want you to have the same enjoyment I do from them. Part of that enjoyment is confidence that what you’re putting into or onto your delicate tissues will not burn, irritate, or leach harmful chemicals into your body. Yes, some will, so it’s important either to educate yourself about the materials used in sex toys or—simpler—buy from retailers you trust that have a strict, safe toy policy.

Sex toys are not regulated. Shampoo and mascara are. Baby toys are. Even dog toys are. But sex toys can be made of any material, including hazardous ingredients such as cadmium, lead, toluene, PVC (polyvinyl chloride), and phthalates. Although no research grants have been awarded to investigate the long-term effects of using these toxic materials on or in our genitals, we do know that they are hazardous to our health. Phthalates, for example, used to chemically soften plastics, have been linked to a variety of health problems, from burning, itching, and irritation to reproductive organ damage and liver cancer.

Many toys—especially the cheaper ones—are porous, which means they can’t be cleaned well enough to disinfect them. They can trap bacteria and viruses and spread disease.

Let’s say you educate yourself on the materials that are body safe, such as medical-grade silicone, stainless steel, Pyrex glass, and ABS plastic. As if you didn’t have enough to worry about, lack of regulation means the manufacturers can say their toys are made out of whatever substance they want to claim. Nothing stops a sleazy (or uninformed) manufacturer or retailer from labeling a “novelty item” as silicone when it isn’t.

Some companies and sex bloggers do their own tests to determine what a toy is made of. But unless you want to invest a lot of time, energy, and money (buying sex toys you’ll decide not to use), the best shortcut is to buy from the retailers with a reputation of emphasizing education and safety, who carry toys that have been proven to be body-safe, and who disclose materials openly.

Avoid “jelly” toys, smelly toys, and cheap toys. If you’re buying a glass toy, don’t buy one made in China, because certain chemicals and compounds like mercury are used in China to form and temper glass.

Be wary of transparent toys that advertise that they’re made of silicone. Although silicone can be clear—such as in the making of contact lenses—a toy made this way would cost the manufacturer hundreds of dollars or more, and the cost to the consumer would be outlandishly expensive. That transparent dildo that cost you $30 is not silicone, even if the label claims it.

“Transparency is a good warning sign that a toy merits closer inspection,” says Hannah Jorden, senior sex educator at Smitten Kitten. (“Senior” refers to seniority, not age. Jorden is young—and very smart and sex-nerdy.) Jorden explains:

“Jelly” toys are often crystal clear and have a glossy, wet look, like a Life Saver candy that’s been sucked on already. The surface can also feel tacky or greasy to the touch. Jelly is a kind of code word that many manufacturers use to describe toys made of softened PVC—usually containing phthalates that sweat out or outgas a very noticeable fruity, plastic-y aroma.

However, there are also transparent toys made of elastomer, which is nontoxic but porous. Elastomer is just a word used to describe lots of different thermo-plasticized, rubbery substances. Clear, nontoxic elastomers are usually just a little firmer and not quite as clear looking as jelly. Because they’re chemically stable, they shouldn’t melt, sweat, or give off any scent.

Even though they’re nontoxic, I’d still advise against using elastomer toys inside the body or around the urethral opening. Porous materials are fine for cock rings or masturbation sleeves, but I’d never recommend one for penetrative play. Porous toys can harbor bacteria and other micro-organisms deep inside and can never be completely sterilized. No matter how awesome a vibrator, dildo, or butt plug might feel, it’s just not worth a yeast infection, UTI, or STI. I hate seeing porous toys marketed for internal use! Finding a brand of silicone toys you can trust is really the best way to go.”

SAFE SEX TOY CHECKLIST

Are the sex toys you already own or are considering buying safe and healthy for your body? The Coalition Against Toxic Toys (www.badvibes.org), started by Smitten Kitten’s Jennifer Pritchett, MS, an activist, educator, and nationally respected sex toy safety expert, issued this checklist for buying a nontoxic, body-safe sex toy: ¹⁶

Body Friendly

Sex toys should be made of a medical or food-grade material that is hypoallergenic and safe for intimate contact. Unfortunately many sex toys are manufactured from industrial-quality materials, do not include accurate information about material quality, and are not proven safe for intimate contact. Often these novelties are referred to as “jelly.”

The Smell Test™

The easiest way to discern if a sex toy is made from a safe material is through smell. Unsafe sex toys frequently have an obvious chemical or plastic smell. The odor is caused by the release of chemicals into the air through outgassing. Safe toy materials, in contrast, have no smell and do not leach chemicals into your body or the surrounding environment.

Nonporous

Porous materials can harbor micro-organisms, such as bacteria, viruses, and fungi, which can cause infections despite even the most diligent cleaning efforts. Sex toys should be nonporous. Examples of safe, nonporous materials include: 100 percent silicone from a reputable manufacturer, glass, surgical steel, sealed ceramic, and medical-grade plastics.

Form and Function

Sex toys should be made by reputable companies that design and manufacture their toys to be used sexually, rather than as gag gifts or novelties. It is important that sex toys be used for their intended purposes, and safe use requires common sense. If you are not sure how a specific toy is designed to be used, ask a knowledgeable sex educator or sales associate.

If you have toys that you like but realize they don’t pass the healthy toy test, I—along with many others—used to recommend that you put condoms on them. I still read that recommendation in books and on websites. I’ve learned, however, that condoms do not, in fact, create instant safe sex toys. Here’s what Jennifer Pritchett, MS, told us:

Here’s the thing: no one has ever tested condom efficacy against these toxic chemicals. These chemicals are so bad that if handled alone, you’d wear hazmat gear. I certainly wouldn’t trust a condom for this purpose and consider it irresponsible for anyone to claim, “Just put a condom on it.” Having said that, if you absolutely must continue using an old toxic toy, putting a condom on it is better than nothing. But, with all my heart, I implore people to get rid of those toys!

Body-safe toys are more expensive, because they cost more to manufacture. Medical-grade, well-tested materials cost more than the crappy stuff that you don’t want inside your body or against your skin. You’re paying for research and development and high-quality material that won’t degrade, melt, leach nasty chemicals into your body, break, overheat, or burn. You’re also paying for toys that deliver what they promise—and last.

Instead of buying cheap toys that put your health at risk and are likely to break or turn into goop on a hot day, go for the best ones that you can afford.

Sex toys do not wreck relationships. Sex toys don’t turn women—or men—into wanton sex fiends. Sex toys don’t turn faithful spouses into cheaters. Sex toys just make arousal and orgasm easier, that’s all. Oh, yes, there’s more to it than that—sex toys help alleviate frustration, anxiety, depression, and nervousness—but that’s just because they facilitate orgasm, which has all those happy results.

If one person prefers a sex toy to the exclusion of the partner, it’s a signal that there’s a bigger problem in the relationship than sex toys.

It’s possible that a partner’s reliance on her vibrator means simply that she can’t have an orgasm without it, or she worries that it will take forever. Talk to her about this without language that will be perceived as accusing or shaming her.

Tell her you’d like to learn how to use the vibrator with her during your lovemaking, if she’s willing. Maybe you can use it with her for a while and then hand it to her to finish in the way she knows best. She might rather use the vibrator as a warm-up and invite you to participate. Or she might prefer that you just watch. (One couple told me they had an elaborate ritual where the husband hid and spied on his wife as she masturbated with her vibrator. It was completely consensual, but they both got mighty aroused by pretending that she didn’t know he was there.)

However this scenario goes, you’ll learn from it what she needs to reach orgasm. The vibrator can be your buddy, your assistant, and your show of generosity to your partner.

On the other hand, this reader wrote me in frustration because her husband insisted on using her toys together:

Whether the issue is sex toys or anything else, you’ll only get what you need when you stand up for it. In this case, the woman could say, “We’ll use my toys together when we both want to, but I’ll also use them privately whenever I want.” A partner doesn’t get to dictate what you do in private, and it’s up to you to speak out loud and clearly. Otherwise, your partner may think that you’re fine with the way things are. In this as in everything else, your partner’s ability to read your mind has been wildly overrated.

Many women our age resist self-pleasuring. Our paltry sex education was anything but pleasure-based. We were taught as children never to touch ourselves down there. Fortunately, our bodies usually insisted on teaching us, maybe with roaming fingers in the bathtub, a fantasy that surprised us with its intensity, or the shock of how good it felt to slide down the jungle gym pole or hump our pillow. But few of us escaped the notion that masturbation was wanton and wrong.

Here we are, fifty, sixty, seventy years later. If we haven’t yet made peace with our wonderful capacity to give ourselves sexual pleasure, might it be time to do that?

Many women also feel that something is lacking in them—their desirability or their skill—if a male partner needs to masturbate or use a sex toy to get the stimulation he needs.

Whatever is going on with us or our partner, if we have one, self-pleasuring isn’t the problem—it’s often part of the solution. If this is a new idea for you, I hope you’ll open your mind to it and shake off whatever guilt still remains from what you were taught many decades ago. We have the capability of choosing pleasure, and if it doesn’t look the way we thought it would, let’s just change our way of looking at it—and let’s enjoy it!

If you’re in a sexual relationship, is there any reason to masturbate? Sure. The more we pleasure ourselves, the more sexually vibrant we remain, physically and emotionally, and that translates to better sex with a partner, too. Feeling comfortable with masturbation helps us accept our changing bodies, because we stay in touch—literally—with the sexual pleasure these bodies give us and how to access that pleasure.

Although I became sexually active as a teen in the seventies, and I was definitely aroused by the foreplay and sex, I was completely ignorant of female orgasms. It wasn’t until a college boyfriend stimulated me manually and I reached orgasm that I found out what it was all about. It was a shocking revelation and very humorous to look back on. From that day forward, I made good use of masturbating and gained a lot more satisfaction out of my sexual encounters.

And if you’re in a relationship that has become nonsexual or only sporadically sexual due to your partner’s health problems, masturbation will help you keep your sexual self in shape. This will help your relationship, too—you’ll feel more loving and less stressed if you’re having regular orgasms.

On the physical level, masturbation increases blood flow to the genitals, keeping them responsive and healthy. Our pelvic floor muscles get a workout with every orgasm. Regular masturbation—at least once a week—helps us keep sex on the brain. That’s a good thing, because at our age, without the hormonal urge, we can find ourselves forgetting about sex. Once we let weeks or even months pass without sexual arousal and orgasm, it becomes harder and harder to make it happen. Think of regular orgasms as sex insurance.

I’m sixty-six. About twelve years ago, my husband gave up on having sex with me due to his ED, probably related to his Type 2 Diabetes. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal to me since our sex life wasn’t that great anyway. However, as time went on, I felt frustrated and missed the bonding and intimacy that come with good sex. I started reading romance and erotica stories and was surprised that they stimulated me. My libido woke up! I decided to take charge of my sleeping sexuality and began masturbating. While my current sex life isn’t joyful in the sense of being able to lovingly share it with someone special, I do feel more satisfied and in control of my sexual needs.

I hear, almost exclusively from women, “I don’t want to do it myself; I want a partner to please me, or I’d rather do without,” and “If I don’t have a lover, masturbation isn’t worth the trouble.”

It’s self-defeating to see masturbation as no more than a lousy substitute for partner sex. We’re only depriving ourselves of the pleasure of arousal, the satisfaction of self-nurturing, and the high of sexual release. The key to enjoying solo sex is to celebrate the capacity for pleasure that our bodies still give us and that we can access completely on our own whenever we want.

Another good reason for regular self-pleasuring: you’ll be ready, willing, and able if a new partner appears. For men and women, the more we arouse ourselves and give ourselves orgasms, the more easily we become aroused and orgasmic, despite our diminished hormones.

If we don’t continue to bring blood flow to the penis or vagina and clitoris, arousal becomes more difficult, and libido retreats along with our hormones. Penises have more difficulty becoming erect. Vaginas feel tighter, drier, and less flexible, and penetration may be painful or impossible. Orgasms become much more elusive.