The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty

As a queer woman, age sixty-six, I know very few people who escape what is known as lesbian bed death—mythically a seven-year sexual slump that couples rarely recover from. It’s certainly not just a lesbian phenomenon. The only way to recover from waning arousal is to make an agreement to do so. We have to be conscious and explicit about making room for sex. We need to make and protect sexual dates. We must turn off all screens including TVs and phones. We need to check in with each other about obstacles—a creaky back or a tender bunion—and figure out how to work around them. We already know where and how our partner likes to be touched—we just have to create the private time to do it.

I was giving a talk about senior sex and romance at a Valentine’s Day event a few years ago. My love affair with Robert was vibrant, strong, and sexy, and I punctuated my tips for keeping sex alive with anecdotes about our relationship. Most of the attendees were my age and older, and the response was warm and positive. During the question-and-answer period, though, one man who looked to be about seventy said, “Yeah, that’s all very nice, but your relationship is still new. Would you sound as positive after forty years together?”

His comment brought home to me how little we talk about how to keep sex alive and vibrant after decades together. Maybe we can’t keep our longtime relationship ablaze with lust the way it was when we first discovered each other, but we can keep it spicy and satisfying. It’s up to us to nurture our partner’s pleasure and our own. Sex together can deepen, get more intimate, and still stay at the top of things we love to do with each other, despite the decades together—or maybe because of them. But it’s not automatic—it takes commitment.

Some of the most joyful emails I get from readers are from those who have figured out how to keep the sexuality alive in their relationships lasting thirty, forty, even fifty-plus years. They usually credit these habits:

There’s a powerful tendency in long-term relationships to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. Yet eroticism thrives on the unpredictable…. If we are to maintain desire with one person over time we must be able to bring a sense of unknown into a familiar space…. Eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected.

—Esther Perel, in Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

Think about it: when your relationship was new, you never knew what to expect from your lover. What romantic overture, while out on a date, would make you or your partner melt? What would cause your lover to gasp or shiver with pleasure in bed? Discovering how to please each other, both in and out of bed, was a thrill—and a major sexual turn-on.

It’s easy to let activities that you enjoyed fall away when you get into a routine, and a long relationship is full of predictable routines.

When you were newly in love, what—besides sex—did you have fun doing with each other? Did you dance or bicycle together? Walk in the moonlight? See a foreign film and discuss it endlessly? Discuss this with your partner. Energize your relationship by bringing a favorite activity back into your life.

TIPS FOR RECAPTURING THE EXCITEMENT OF NEW LOVE

Share memories: Tell each other the story of how you met and fell in love. Describe what attracted you to your partner, what he or she said or did that was particularly endearing. Describe how you felt. Tell your partner how you knew you were in love.

Date night: Remember when you planned a date and anticipated it for days beforehand? Do that at least once a week. Don’t do the predictable, such as dinner at your usual restaurant or a video at home. Go somewhere new. Dress sexier than usual.

Return to the scene: Take a trip to a place you used to make out, dance, or talk for hours, if this is feasible. Reenact the experience. If actually going there isn’t possible, describe details of the scene in a way that brings it back. Act it out.

Leave sexy messages: Put a note beside your partner’s toothbrush or send a text about a sexy thing you want to do.

Gift for no occasion: Buy a little gift for your partner for no reason at all, except to show your love. Gift wrap it and leave it on the pillow, or present it with a declaration of love.

Write a love letter: Nothing is more precious than a gift of your words expressing your love. Write what you find wonderful and sexy about your partner. Either read it aloud or leave it where your beloved will find it.

Golden oldies: Play the music you fell in love to. Sing along! Dance. Make fun of the lyrics—or act them out.

Relive the old times: “Ask yourself: when, in this relationship, did you feel the most erotically charged?” suggests therapist Barry McCarthy, PhD¹⁷, author of several books about sex and desire. Then figure out what you can do to recapture that feeling. “What would be a really special scenario to create that for you?” McCarthy asks. “Sex isn’t just about intercourse. It’s about playful, erotic activities, without pressure.”

It’s not what you do in bed that’s most important; it’s what you do every day to keep your shared sensual life active.

If your day-to-day relationship is satisfying, but in bed, it’s easier to yawn than to orgasm, it’s time to add some spice to that familiar flavor. Which of these ideas appeal to you?

Dress for disrobing: Invest in some silky, sexy lingerie. With a well-chosen garment that accentuates our best features, we look alluring. And we feel amazing, both emotionally and physically. This isn’t for women only—silk bikini briefs or satin boxers for men are enticing, too!

Try a new toy or prop: Using a new vibrator or other sex toy together can be very hot. So can introducing a blindfold, light bondage, or the light touch of a feather. Experiment. If you don’t like something that you thought would turn you on, you can laugh about it. And if you do like it, it’s a new part of your repertoire.

Read erotica or view porn together: Stroke each other as you read or watch, and imagine yourself part of the scene. Feel free to start getting frisky before you’ve finished the story or the film.

My hubby likes to see naked women on the Internet and in videos. Recently, I came across a few videos of women getting stimulated to orgasm while they were reading. This was a real turn-on for me, and I shared it with him. So, yeah, we had a great time shortly after that. Finding those videos and sharing them with him opened up new trust and understanding between us. After thirty-three years together, I didn’t think it possible to grow any closer, but it happened!

Pleasure each other in a new way: This can be as simple as changing who goes first (or more accurately, who comes first), or making love in a different position or in a different room. Or it can be more involved: try a new technique, go to a hotel overnight, or act out a fantasy scene.

IS TANTRA FOR YOU?

By Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson

Tantra is an ancient Indian tradition that recognizes sexual energy as a source of personal and spiritual empowerment. Sexual energy refers to the life force, not just sexual activity. This life force exists within us regardless of age or ability. Classical Indian Tantra involves many elements, including a sexual ritual in which partners worship each other as embodiments of the divine; taboo breaking; and an approach to sexuality that embraces the entire mind-body-spirit complex.

All of these elements have significant implications for people over fifty. Developing an attitude of reverence and worship for each other and treating lovemaking as sacred can deepen and renew a long-term relationship both in and out of bed.

There’s no need to embrace the whole tradition, wrap yourselves in exotic garb, or engage in elaborate rituals to do this. All it takes is a slight shift in awareness, a conscious recognition that you have chosen each other, and that you’re honoring and respecting that choice. Recognizing sex as something special and important, regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs, gives it new layers of meaning. This can be especially profound as we age and are less ruled by hormonal impulses.

In Tantric sex, the effort is to transform the surface of the skin into a massive genital. Focusing on the totality of your physical connection, whether or not any organs are penetrating or being penetrated, is increasingly valuable as we age. This makes it possible to remain erotically engaged, even when more conventional sexual activity is not an option.

—Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson are coauthors of Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment, and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality.

My wife and I have been together for forty-four years. In our late forties, after twenty-four years of marriage, we hit a patch where sex was getting stale and perfunctory, so we made a conscious effort to experiment with new ideas. A couple who practiced Tantric sex shared ideas and resources with us, and we have been enthusiastic practitioners ever since. Tantra was a revelation for us. It strongly reinforces trust, love, and intimacy between partners. It is also simply amazing sex. Neither of us had ever experienced anything like the duration and intensity of a true Tantric full-body orgasm, the multiplicity of orgasms, or the deep bonding experience that Tantra creates.

Some couples act like honeymooners, even though they’ve been together for many years. They’re always kissing, holding hands, touching each other, and cuddling. Even when they’re not touching, they’re meeting each other’s eyes, smiling at a shared secret, or laughing together.

Contrast that with couples who barely speak, look everywhere but at each other, and read the paper or talk on their phones when they’re out to brunch.

Make a point of showing affection habitually, not just when you’re hoping to get sexual. Make that part of the way you relate in public and private. I’m not suggesting that you need to drape over each other or exchange sloppy kisses in public, but touching hands or exchanging pecks on the cheek can help you feel connected.

Robert and I held hands as we walked. We coined the term restaurant kiss for the quick kisses we exchanged in public. This started when we were seated at a restaurant, and one of us announced, “Restaurant kiss!” and deposited a quick kiss on the other’s cheek. We made this a routine—indeed, a game—at every public outing, from coffee shops to doctors’ waiting rooms.

Little public displays of attention communicate to your partner that you’re in love and that it feels good to express that love physically. And if friends and strangers see you as two old folks in love, that’s cool, too.

When your love was new, you told everyone who would listen how wonderful your partner was. Do that now—when you’re out with friends or at a party together, announce in your partner’s hearing the many qualities that you love in him or her, or describe something that your partner did recently that warmed your heart.

At sixty-eight, married for seventeen years, I have more desire for my husband today than when we first had sex. He is overweight, on meds for high blood pressure, and occasionally loses erections, but he turns me on! The sound of his voice, the sight of his body, the gait of his walk, the touch of his hand on my arm, the hugs he shares, and his laughter and love have me captivated. When he offers all this, who cares about an erection? I am wet and ready; I want his body every day!

He has mastered his hands touching me, slowly and tenderly, and drives me into ecstasy with his lips and tongue on my clitoris! I also love to lay my head on his inner thigh, stroke his balls ever so lightly, and touch his penis, taking it into my warm wet mouth until he is drained. What incredible excitement. Could anyone else have this effect on me? Nope!

When things are going right during times of satisfying intimacy, what else is going on that makes those moments happen? How do you act? What do you bring to the relationship during those times that might be missing at other times?

Most relationships are sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Looking at what else is happening when it is good will help you make that happen more often. It’s about setting the stage for the best to happen, instead of dreading the worst.

Even if your intimacy is only good 10 percent of the time, find ways to “accentuate the positive,” as the old song said. If you love it when your partner brings you to an orgasm orally, but he or she only does that once in a blue moon these days, try saying something like, “You get me so excited when you go down on me—you’re an incredibly hot lover.” That is a lot more exciting for your lover to hear than, “You never go down on me anymore.”

Whether you’re expressing appreciation in the moment (“Umm, I love it when you touch me like that.”) or during a nonsexual part of your daily life (“I’m still smiling remembering that orgasm you gave me.” or “I know you’re dressed to go out, but I can’t help picturing your beautiful, naked body. I can’t wait to see it again.”), keep the sexual energy positive and complimentary. You’ll feel more connected, less prone to irritation, and sexier.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” people tell me when I suggest that one important key to a sexually fulfilling, longtime relationship is scheduling sex dates at least once a week. “Sex should be spontaneous,” they insist.

Spontaneity is vastly overrated at our age. When we no longer have the hormonal urge driving us to mate, sex isn’t often the first thing on our minds. Maybe it isn’t even in the top ten. It doesn’t happen spontaneously anymore.

By scheduling a sex date, you make sure you carve time for it, and this insures that it really happens.

This also creates days of anticipation, where you fantasize about what you’ll do together—a form of mental foreplay. Your brain is your major sex organ. When you focus your brain on the prospect of enjoying sex with your lover, you’ll be that much more ready for it when the date arrives.

A common feature of couples who have a strong, vibrant, and pleasurable sex life is that they maintain a regular sexual connection. This means a steady pattern of sex regardless of what barriers may arise. Research verifies the value of regularity, whether twice a week or three times a month. When you know your pattern, good things happen.

—Michael E. Metz and Barry W. McCarthy in Enduring Desire: Your Guide to Lifelong Intimacy

Liven up your relationship by trying something completely new but that isn’t so extreme that it would damage your relationship, your self-esteem, or your health if it turns out that you don’t like it. It can be as simple as having sex in an unusual place or picking out a costume for the other to wear.

Or it can be something more daring, such as enacting a fantasy. Try describing the fantasy first while you’re not having sex, and if you agree, describe it in juicy detail while you are having sex. If that’s all good, then role-play it in private, acting out the parts. You can then decide whether to take the fantasy to the next stage, whatever that is, or just delight each other in private with storytelling or role-play.

Agree to stop the enactment immediately if either of you feels uncomfortable or gets upset. People who are into kinky play use a safeword, a word that you wouldn’t ordinarily utter that conveys “Stop right now.” You don’t want to use the word stop, because you might want to use that word as part of the fantasy—a stranger seduction, for example, or a naughty schoolchild being punished by an angry teacher—without halting the action. A safeword like juniper berry or doghouse might work better, because you won’t accidentally say it. Of course, make sure the word is one you’ll remember. (For more about fantasies and enacting them, see chapter 6, Stretching Boundaries.)

If you try something and it doesn’t turn you on the way you’d hoped, just laugh about it afterward and try something else. Make the exploration part of the fun.

My husband and I, both in our midfifties, were in a rut and busy, not spending much time together. We decided to make an extra-special effort to improve our relationship and our sex life. I read The Sex Diaries by Australian sex therapist Bettina Arndt. In this book, someone gave out a challenge to have sex every day for one year. We decided to challenge ourselves. I kept a record, and at the end of the twelve-month period, we had some type of sexual contact on 344 out of 365 days. My husband achieved eighty-eight orgasms, which is not bad for someone who thought he was “losing it.” I had heaps more orgasms. We have never returned to the boring and intermittent state that we previously were in.

Haven’t you noticed that right after a delicious sexual interaction, you say to yourself (or aloud), “Wow, why don’t we do this more often?” The fact is that the more regularly you indulge in sex, the more you’ll enjoy it, anticipate it, and crave it. Just by scheduling it, you’re defeating that sexual inertia that often inserts itself into an otherwise loving relationship.

If slow arousal is your challenge, you’ll also find that the regularity of scheduled sex dates will make you feel ready for sex more quickly. Partially, that’s the brain at work, and it’s also a physiological response to having regular sex. Arousal leads to more and better arousal. Orgasms beget orgasms.

GGG stands for “good, giving, and game,” as in, “good in bed,” “giving pleasure without expectation of immediate reciprocation,” and “game for anything—within reason.” GGG is about both partners in a relationship being honest and open with each other about their sexual interests and making a good-faith effort to meet each other’s needs.

—Dan Savage in American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics

Sex columnist and activist Dan Savage popularized the term GGG, and it’s a useful concept for our age group. The more generous we are in bed, the more sexual generosity we can expect. But in order to be “good, giving, and game” and break out of the rut of predictable and unsatisfying sex, you have to identify what needs are not being met.

1. Each of you sit down with paper and pen and finish this sentence privately: “Three things I’d really like to explore with you are…”

2. You read aloud your first item to your partner, starting by saying, “One thing I’d really like to explore with you is…”

3. Your partner reads his or her first item the same way.

4. Continue alternating, reading the second item.

5. You may want to continue with the third, or keep that in reserve for another time, if you have enough exciting ideas on board already.

6. Discuss what turns you on about your partner’s request and what you’d like to try together.

7. Decide how and when you’ll put one of these requests into action.

I’ve always held to the Dan Savage principle of being GGG. Although for myself I would add another G: Grateful. The second G would stand for Generous as well as Giving. My bout of impotence taught me that attention, enthusiasm, and caring about my partner’s pleasure help make up for other shortcomings.

Jake told me that after thirty years with his committed partner, Roger, their desires had gone in different directions. Jake was only aroused by oral sex and didn’t like anal penetration—either giving or receiving it. Roger was only satisfied through prostate stimulation. The solution they discovered on their own is one I’ve suggested to many couples since then:

Agree that every other time, you’ll have the kind of sex that you like the best. On the alternate sexual encounters, you’ll do exactly what your partner prefers. When it’s your partner’s turn, all the focus is on her or him and vice versa when it’s your turn. This allows both partners to focus on the one being pleasured the entire time, and it’s deeply intimate. You don’t have to worry about running out of energy to return the favor—that will happen next time.

This works for all kinds of differences. One couple told me that they each felt aroused at totally different times of the day. They were at an impasse, both feeling stressed and dissatisfied. When I suggested that they alternate time of day instead of trying to compromise, they were relieved and eager to try it out.

This chapter so far has presumed that you and your partner are on the same wavelength, maybe even reading this book together, and any changes you want to make are shared. But what if you’re feeling alone in your quest for better sex? Maybe your partner is so predictable that you can’t stand it—or so different that he or she seems like a stranger. What if you’d like more sex, or different sex, or different behavior outside of the bedroom?

Actually, partners often think they’re doing exactly what we want, because we haven’t told them otherwise. Though we may be so in sync at times that we think we’re reading each other’s minds, we’re not—we’re responding to longstanding habits, knowledge of each other’s responses over the years, and knowing how to read gestures and voice tones. Too bad that doesn’t always transfer to the bedroom.

If the problems have been building for a long time, you may not even know what’s wrong, how to fix it, or what to try next. Nothing will change unless you decide to speak up.

If you’ve attempted to change things and your partner is unwilling or nonresponsive, or you don’t know how to ask for what you want, here’s some help.

It may be easy to joke about sex and discuss other people’s sex lives, but when it comes to expressing our own deep sexual feelings and desires to our intimate partner, we often become shy and scared. What if we express what we really want, and our partner thinks we’re disgusting?

We have to learn to talk out loud about ways we want to change our sexual interaction, especially when the old ways aren’t working for us anymore. These Dos and Don’ts may be helpful:

Don’t: Say something in the heat of the moment that you’ll wish you could take back.

Do: Clearly and specifically state the problem in “I” statements that express your experience and your desire, such as:

•I’m realizing that I need more stimulation to get aroused. Can we go longer/use a vibrator/kiss more/spend more time touching?

•I love how you stroke my clitoris, but I need more allover touching before I’m ready to be touched there.

•I worry that my erection won’t last, and worrying just makes it worse. Can we talk about how to give each other pleasure that doesn’t depend on my erection?

•I’m sensing that I’m not doing what you need to get aroused. Can you tell me what you’d like?

•I can’t have sex comfortably without lubricant, and I’m embarrassed to stop you when I need it. Can we make it a part of our lovemaking from the beginning?

•I’m feeling pain during sex, and I’d like to figure out a way that I can have the enjoyment without the pain.

•I know I used to like a soft/hard/fast/slow touch, but now I need it softer/harder/faster/slower.

•When we make love after a meal, it’s harder for me to get aroused. Can we plan a morning time instead?

One time we were talking about the changes, and I said that if he’d been nicer to me, we would have had lots more sex, and he said that if we’d had more sex, he would have been nicer. I shake my head at our foolishness and the wasted opportunities. I wish we could go back and redo those wasted years, but since that’s not possible, we are enjoying the sex and the improved relationship that we have now.

Don’t: Think about the next point you want to make while your partner is speaking.

Do: Come to a resolution together, such as “Let’s both suggest what we can try to make this better.”

Do: End your talk with an action plan for trying a new solution, such as “Let’s make love next time without the goal of intercourse,” or “Let’s have sex in the morning instead of after dinner,” or the playful “When we watch TV, let’s kiss during the commercials.”

Don’t: Leave the conversation with nothing resolved unless you need time to think about the next step. In that case, schedule the next conversation.

If these talking techniques don’t work to resolve the problems, or they seem overwhelming, or your partner says no to your wishes:

I’m female, sixty-five, married to the same man for forty-five years. My relationship with my moody husband had not always been satisfying, and I often dreaded the nights he wanted sex. We’d go weeks and sometimes months without sex. I deeply regret now that I didn’t realize how much a robust, active sex life would affect our entire marriage.

Sometimes trying to solve this on your own just doesn’t work. If you can’t seem to talk about your relationship problems without one of you getting angry or withdrawn, or if you can’t seem to make the discussion happen, a few sessions with a counselor, therapist, or sex therapist could make the difference between a permanent impasse and a renewed relationship.

These professionals are used to helping couples resolve issues just like yours—they’re highly trained, skilled, and intuitive. They can hear what you’re having trouble saying and help you express it to your partner. They can help you understand and overcome barriers. They can clear pathways that for you seem hidden in brambles or poison oak. They can teach you coping skills, discussion tools, and even sex techniques that you haven’t figured out on your own.

If your partner won’t agree to get counseling, go on your own. You’ll learn tools and strategies that will improve your relationship and your feelings about it. And often after one person reports back about how valuable this is, the other will agree to go.

Long-term relationships can take you on a never-ending journey where something new, exciting, and sensual can be found around every corner. It can be the longest, most exhilarating ride in one’s life.