Appendix:
The Wit and Wisdom of the Pirate Captain – a Major Philosophical Work
The Fable of the Pig and the Rooster
In the olden days there was a pig and a rooster, but the rooster was quite arrogant. It was this that led to his inevitable downfall.
On the Question of Ethics
Most people have a ‘moral compass’ – an internal sense that tells them whether any given act is the correct one to do. If, say, someone asked you to run over a load of vicars with a train, you’d have a think, check your moral compass and decide whether or not to do it. You’d need to get hold of a train, of course, but the argument still works.
I’ve taken this one step further – I’m not really one for abstract concepts, because if you think about them for too long your forehead starts to ache from all the frowning. So what I recommend is that you make a real moral compass out of a paper plate. Just get a pen and draw on some ‘compass points’ – for example, mine has ‘Right’, ‘Wrong’, ‘Wrong but feels right’, ‘Will anybody find out?’ and ‘Who can say?’ In the middle, make a little pointer and fix it with a split pin – you can get these from most good stationers. Then when you face a decision, spin the moral compass and see what your conscience tells you.
On the Matter of Love
If you’re off to fight in a battle, snap a ship’s biscuit in half and give your girlfriend the other half. When you meet again, they will match – like two halves of a single soul! Hopefully, this will stop her sleeping with other men.
On the Question of Knowledge
Occasionally, you meet a stupid person who tells you something ridiculous – like he’s bought your book and he can’t help thinking he could have written it better himself. You have to ask him how he knows this and he can rarely answer you – especially when you’ve smashed a vase on his face. But it’s an interesting question. How can we ever say what we know and don’t know? What does it mean to say, ‘I know that egg is hard-boiled’ or ‘I know that there’s a pig hidden under that duvet, and I’m not going to tell you scurvy rotters about keeping pigs in your cabins again’?
In my experience, the best way to find out if you really know something is to ask your second-in-command. Second-in-commands remember all kinds of things that you’ll have forgotten. If you don’t have a second-in-command, then I can’t help you.
On the Question of Gravy Stains
It is my opinion that the best way to get gravy stains out of cotton or wool is to soak the fabric in vinegar for half an hour and then rinse thoroughly with cold water. If this doesn’t work, try burning the gravy off with a match or getting a hungry dog to lick it off.
On the Matter of Kids
There is nothing funnier than a child saying something either wise beyond his years or charmingly naïve.
On the Existence of God
On the face of it, this seems patently absurd. The modern forward-facing pirate uses reason and logic, and isn’t about to accept the existence of a deity without any proof.
Ah! But if there was a god, that might be exactly how he wants it. He might want to be able to move amongst his creations incognito. To do this, he’d need to choose an occupation that enabled him to travel around easily, something like a door-to-door salesman, or a hobo, or even a pirate. He wouldn’t want to show off his all-encompassing knowledge, so he’d probably deliberately get stuff wrong, like, for example, if he was being asked to explain what various nautical terms meant. Also, bear in mind that in all the paintings you see of God he has a great big beard. Anyhow, I’ve already said too much.
On the Matter of Plants
Don’t throw away empty yoghurt pots – they make excellent pots for small plants.
On the Question of Classification
You can divide the animal kingdom into five different classes:
Animals: identifiable by their characteristic four legs, animals are probably the most famous creatures available. Meat comes from here.
Sea creatures: includes sharks, crocodiles, whales, barnacles and other fish. Distinguished from animals by being slimy and more suited to parsley sauce.
Sea monsters: the most fearsome class, sea monsters vary widely. The common theme is that when you tell people about them, they assume you are lying. A fascinating fact: zombies are technically in this category, although none of them live in the sea!
Birds: anything with wings. Birds evolved when the earth was still covered in lava and therefore too hot to walk around on.
Fungus: mushrooms, toadstools and athlete’s foot. If you go for a walk in the woods and see a fungus, why not eat it? It’s a proven scientific fact that a creature that doesn’t move can’t hurt you.
Any creatures that don’t fit these classes are the exceptions that prove the rule.
On Life in General
Life is like a big shanty. Everything will be fine so long as everyone sings in harmony. But if someone plays a duff note on the accordion or tries to break-dance at a sensitive bit, then there will be all sorts of trouble, mark my words.
On Discipline Running a Pirate Boat
An old sock and a couple of shells can be used to create a sock puppet that acts as a useful teaching aid when dealing with the slower pirates on your crew. You can name your sock puppet anything you like, but I’d recommend either ‘Socky’ or ‘Lord Socklington’.
On Delicious Fudge Brownies
6 oz rich dark chocolate (minimum 60% cocoa solids)
9 oz softened butter
5 big eggs
1 lb caster sugar
Drop of vanilla extract
41/2 oz plain flour
2 oz cocoa powder
Some chopped walnuts
Melt butter and sugar together in a pan, remove from heat and beat in remaining ingredients. Put the whole lot in a roasting tin lined with greased tracing paper and stick in the oven for forty minutes. Remove from oven and leave to cool on a wire rack.
If any of your pirate crew try and pinch one before they’re cooled, playfully smack them on the back of the hand with a wooden spoon and say, ‘Naughty! Oh no, you don’t!’