PETER alone, reading, a book, a textbook probably. He is absorbed; turns a page, frowns, turns back, rereads something, turns forward again. Repeats this. ANN comes in from the hall to the kitchen, a towel in her hand. No rush. Intention non-evident. She comes up behind PETER—not too close. He does not notice her.
ANN
We should talk.
(Waits; no reply; turns, exits whence.)
PETER
(After she goes—recognizing he had heard her.)
What? We should—what?
(Louder.)
We should what?!
ANN (Offstage.)
What?
(Reentering.)
We should what?
PETER
We should what?
ANN
Oh.
(Slight pause.)
We should talk.
(Wipes her hands with the towel.)
PETER (Indicates book.)
I was reading. I’m sorry.
ANN (Bemused.)
It happens so often.
PETER (A little defensive.)
Sorry.
ANN
No; that’s not what I meant.
PETER (Confused.)
What!
ANN
You read so … you get so involved—reading—more all the time.
PETER (Smiles.)
“Deepening concentration.” Deepened concentration. Work.
ANN (Recalling.)
Once I talked to you for … it seemed minutes … about—oh, what?—the fireplace, I think, and you didn’t hear a word. You were reading.
PETER (A little unhappy.)
The ears turn off—out, rather.
(Tiny pause.)
The fireplace? Really?
ANN
The andirons.
PETER
What was wrong? With them—with the andirons.
ANN (Shrugs; stays standing.)
Nothing really. I was wondering if I should clean them; if I should wash them.
PETER (Book down.)
Why?
ANN
What.
PETER
Why you should wash them.
ANN
Well, I’d noticed the fire’d made them all grey and sort of matte, and I wondered if we liked that.
PETER
Had we? Liked that?
ANN (Moving to something.)
I don’t know; we never had the conversation; you never heard me; we never talked about it.
PETER (Brow furrows a little.)
What did you do—about the andirons?
ANN
I scrubbed them.
PETER (Tiny pause.)
Ah.
ANN
And then they got all matte again—all grey.
PETER
(Reaches for her hand.)
I’m sorry; I get so …
ANN (Nice.)
It doesn’t matter.
PETER
… involved. I guess it goes faster that way. What are you doing with the towel?
ANN
(Looks at it; realizes something.)
Oh!
(Exits.)
PETER
(Not realizing she’s gone; indicates book.)
When it’s very important and very boring—like this—well, you’ve seen me go into like a trance? That way I don’t get to think “this is so boring I can’t do it.” It’s important. It’s probably the most important boring book we’ve ever done.
(Thinks.)
Well … maybe. It’s hard to tell; there are so many—so important, so boring.
(Sees she’s gone.)
Where are you? Ann?
ANN
(Reemerges, without towel.)
That was close.
PETER
What was?
ANN
Hard-boiled spinach.
PETER
Really? Can you do that?
ANN (Shakes her head.)
We’ll never know. “If you’re going to cook, stay with the stove”—at least in the same room.
PETER
Or microwave.
ANN
I’ve decided I don’t like microwaves. It’s hard to get in there and … stir around; you have to trust what you’re doing.
PETER
Can’t you … stop the thing and open it up and …
ANN
Yes, of course you can, but it seems like cheating.
PETER
Why do we have two of them?
ANN (Sudden, bright laugh.)
We have two of everything.
PETER (Pause.)
We do?
ANN
One for the kids.
PETER
Do they use the microwave?
ANN (Laughs.)
Where do you live? Have you never been in the kitchen?
PETER (False deliberation.)
Uh … twice as I remember.
ANN
Of course they use the microwave—all the time.
PETER
I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t.
ANN
Well, I doubt the cats do, though they are bright.
PETER (Wistful.)
I want a dog.
ANN (Fact.)
No you don’t.
PETER (Fact.)
No I don’t.
ANN
What’s the book?
PETER (A kind of litany.)
It’s the most boring book we’ve ever published.
ANN (Delighted.)
Really! What an advertising gimmick … “the most boring book we’ve ever published and you know our reputation!”
PETER
… and probably the most important.
ANN (An echo.)
… “and probably the most important.”
PETER
As textbooks go it’ll most likely make us rich—the company, anyway.
ANN
What’s it about?
PETER (Shaking his head.)
You really don’t want to know.
ANN (Smiles; persists.)
What’s it about?
PETER (Looks.)
About seven hundred pages. I can barely lift it much less read it, but I do have to read it, so …
(Shrugs.)
ANN
Before I married you my mother said to me, “Why ever would you want to marry a man publishes textbooks?”
PETER (Smiles.)
She did not.
ANN
Well, she could have, and maybe she did. “Why ever would you want to marry a man publishes textbooks?” “Gee, Ma, I don’t know—seems like fun.”
PETER
I thought your family liked me.
ANN
They do. “He’s a good, solid man,” Dad said. I’ve told you this. “None of this … fly-by-night fiction stuff.”
PETER (Laughs.)
“Fly-by-night.” What does that mean? Bats? And how does it relate to fiction?
ANN
I made it up. He never said it. Look it up.
PETER
What?
ANN
Fly-by-night.
PETER
Hmmm. Maybe I will.
ANN
Or have one of your researchers do it. Is it really that boring? “The most boring etc.?”
PETER (Thinks; concludes.)
Yes; except maybe Trollope’s Autobiography—which we didn’t publish, naturally.
ANN
I never read it.
PETER
Very few have … all the way through. I tried: it kept falling out of my hands.
(Reconsiders.)
Well … slipping.
ANN (Pats him.)
This is your party thing; this Trollope thing; you do this at parties.
PETER (Genuine.)
I do?!
ANN
Lots.
PETER
I didn’t know!
ANN
Doesn’t matter. Makes you look smart and funny, which you are anyway.
PETER (Embarrassed.)
I’m sorry.
ANN
It’s a good one! Keep it; it’s a keeper.
PETER (A little sarcastic.)
Thanks!
(Moving on.)
Anyway, next time you have trouble falling asleep—try it.
(Lifts the book.)
Or this.
ANN
Thanks.
(Ironic.)
If I ever have trouble sleeping.
PETER (Pause.)
Hm? What?
ANN
If I ever have trouble sleeping—she said ironically.
PETER (Slight pause.)
I see you, leaving bed—before dawn—when you think I’m asleep.
ANN
Do you?
PETER
Yes. Why?
ANN
Don’t you ever worry? You don’t say “Why can’t you sleep? Where are you going? What is it you want?”
PETER
You come back; I assume you’re … about your business.
ANN (Small smile.)
My nighttime business. My pre-dawn business.
PETER
I’m sorry; perhaps …
ANN (Not accusatory.)
For all you know I could go out in my nightdress, down in the elevator, out the door, down Seventy-fourth Street, to the corner; stand there; scream.
PETER (Reasonable.)
You could: yes; but you wouldn’t.
ANN
… or get there, strip off completely, lie down, spread my legs to the night—the pre-dawn.
(Pause.)
No, I wouldn’t, would I.
PETER (Smiles.)
No; you wouldn’t.
ANN
Some night, get up; follow me. You’ve never done it? Followed me?
PETER
No.
ANN
All these years?
PETER
No; it’s something people do—get up.
ANN
Who are all these people? People you’ve slept with?
PETER
No! It’s what people do. Where do you go?
ANN
Some night, get up; follow me. To the kitchen, usually; a cup of tea.
(Dreamy.)
One night I sat for an hour … and I thought about having my breasts cut off.
PETER
Where!?
ANN
In the kitchen.
PETER (Puts book down; laughs.)
You didn’t!
ANN
No? Over twenty percent of us get breast cancer, and over fifty percent of those of us do die of it. What better way to avoid it if you’re young enough.
PETER
Are you?
ANN
I don’t know. Probably. Probably not.
PETER (A little hurt.)
You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
ANN
What?
PETER
If you were thinking of it … seriously.
ANN (You imbecile!)
No! I’d go to some clinic where they do that sort of thing on the fly—or the fly-by-night—and I’d go in and I’d say “Hello, I’d like to have my breasts cut off, please, prophylactic, and all, and don’t tell my hubby.”
PETER (A little embarrassed.)
Do you think there are women do that?
ANN (Very matter of fact.)
There are women do anything.
PETER
Everything?
ANN
Either; both.
PETER
You were really thinking of doing that?
ANN
I was thinking about thinking about it—about what it would be like to think about it, about doing it.
PETER
Ah.
ANN
Once you hear of an idea you never know where it will lodge itself, when it will move from something learned to something … considerable, something you might think about, which is not far from being thought about, if you wanted to, or needed to.
PETER (A sad truth.)
We all die of something.
ANN
Sooner or later.
PETER
Yes, but …
ANN
Yes, but! Oh, you do love pedantry so … dying of not doing something can be carelessness!
PETER (Appalled.)
Having your breasts cut off can be called care?!
ANN (Thinks about it.)
An extreme case; yes.
PETER
Only a crazy person.
ANN
Then there are lots of loonies around.
PETER
No one.
ANN (Slowly; articulated.)
Ma … ny.
PETER
Only a crazy person.
ANN (Shrugs.)
Have it your way.
(Laughs; a sudden remembering.)
I remember the night I thought about thinking about it. My mother had called me that day and told me she’s decided to have an affair with somebody.
PETER
(Not displeased; maybe just happy to be on another subject.)
She did?! Who?!
ANN
I don’t know—somebody.
PETER
Yes, but you said …
ANN
I said she told me—why are we moving this conversation away from me, by the way, away from something that concerns me?—that she’d decided to have an affair with somebody.
PETER
Yes!
ANN
And of course I asked who—who are you going to have this affair with?
PETER
Of course.
ANN
Not necessarily. I might not have wanted to pry—or to know.
PETER
Yes, that’s possible.
ANN
But I did: I did want to pry or know … and so I did.
PETER (Shy.)
Pry?
ANN
Ask. Who are you going to have an affair with, I said—casual-like. Hm?
PETER
And …?
ANN
And she said she didn’t know; she hadn’t decided, or maybe she hadn’t met the person.
PETER
The man.
ANN
Not necessarily. All she knew was that she’d decided to have an affair with somebody. She didn’t know who.
PETER
It just seemed like a good idea?!
ANN
Yes; or so she thought. “Does it seem like a good idea?” I asked her. “I assume it does.” “Well, not necessarily,” she said. “It might be something bad I want—of course for reasons I haven’t figured out yet.” “You get more complex with age,” I told her. “Like cheese,” she smiled. I think. “Something bad might be a good idea in that case,” I said. “Yes,” she said. “Isn’t life odd.”
PETER
Like hacking off your breasts.
ANN
Having them hacked off.
PETER
Yes; sorry.
ANN
We’re back on that, are we?
PETER
Well, it’s—did her telling you lead you to your breast thing, in some weird, convoluted female way? Her telling you about wanting to have an affair lead you to contemplating having your …?
ANN
“Weird, convoluted female way?” Who are you?
PETER
Sorry. Did it?
ANN
What, lead me to contemplating it? No, I don’t think so. Though maybe. Maybe if I had no breasts the likelihood of having an affair—if I were planning to have one—would be … well, I was going to say diminished.
PETER
Why not! Why not say diminished?
ANN
Well; probably; yes, though there are people around …
PETER
… who like that sort of thing?—lack of thing, of something?
(Feels his own.)
“Breastlessness?!”
ANN (Chuckles.)
There are people like everything—anything.
(Peter chuckles, too.)
PETER
Symmetry! God, I love symmetry.
(Serious.)
Are you … planning something?
ANN
You mean beyond dinner? Beyond feeding the cats—and the rest of the menagerie?
PETER
Yes.
ANN
Beyond thinking about thinking about something?
PETER
Yes.
ANN (Shrugs.)
Oh, I don’t know. Like what? Like having an affair—like mother like daughter? I hope not. I hope I’m not thinking about that.
PETER (Shy.)
Me, too.
ANN
You, too, what? You hope I’m not, or you hope you’re not?
PETER (Sad smile.)
Either; both.
ANN (Straight.)
Me, too.
(Pause.)
The nights are strange—you asleep; I look at you—unconscious, lost to the world, as they say.
PETER (Smiles.)
Temporarily.
ANN
Ah, well. I look at you—deep asleep, not dreaming.
(Suddenly more enthusiastic.)
Did you know that when you sleep you’re paralyzed? In deep sleep, I mean, not the dreaming, but deep sleep, your body is entirely paralyzed, except for the automatic stuff?, the breathing?, the heart? Just a fraction of one ear, so you can hear doom sneaking up, I guess—and something else, I can’t remember what. You’re entirely paralyzed?
PETER (Fact.)
Yes; I knew that.
ANN (Surprised; disappointed.)
You did?!
PETER
Yes; we published that book on sleep. Keep up.
ANN
Damn!
PETER
Sort of a sleeper.
(Nudge.)
Joke?
ANN
Damn. What? Yes: joke.
PETER
What’s the other thing? The other part? I don’t remember.
ANN
What?
PETER
A part of one toe?
ANN
A fraction of something.
PETER
What? Come on.
ANN
I don’t remember. Keep up! Your dick, probably.
PETER
Hunh! I doubt it.
ANN
No mind of its own? No automatic … whatever?
PETER
I think …
(Stops.)
ANN (Engaged.)
What! You think what!
PETER (Pause; shakes his head.)
No.
ANN (Pleased; teasing.)
Come on!
PETER
No, now.
ANN
I won’t tell anyone.
PETER
Well … I think my circumcision is going away.
(ANN: long, slow facial response; giggles ending in guffaws. PETER rises, moves to leave the room.)
All right! All right!
ANN (Coming down from it.)
No, now! Wait!
(He pauses.)
Wait. You think … what?
(Giggles again.)
You think your circumcision is doing what?
(Chuckles.)
PETER
It’s not funny!
ANN (Sober face.)
No; of course not.
(Guffaws.)
PETER (Shutting down.)
All right! That’s it!
ANN (A hand out.)
No, no: I’m sorry.
PETER (A silence, then very objective.)
I think my circumcision is … going away.
(Sits.)
ANN
My goodness!
(Stifles laugh.)
PETER
Please?
ANN
Sorry.
PETER
You may not have noticed.
ANN
Well, no; certainly if I had I would have noticed—that I had.
PETER
It’s just that … when I … take it out to pee—my penis?
ANN (Holding on.)
Yes; I gathered.
PETER
… the foreskin looks to be … coming over the ridge of the, you know. The glans … just a little.
ANN (No comment.)
My goodness.
PETER
And when I’m sitting on the bed—when I’m naked?—I look down and it looks even more so, more of the glans seems covered.
ANN (No comment.)
Gracious.
PETER (Senses derision.)
Well, it may not mean much to you, but …
ANN
No, it does! I mean … goodness, if you’ve had a circumcised husband all these years and all of a sudden there’s a foreskin waving at you, you’re bound to wonder. I mean … who is this? What is this?
PETER
It’s not that … there is no foreskin—as such. It’s that … it seems to be …
ANN
It?
PETER
My penis? My penis seems to be … retreating.
(Pause.)
A little.
(Pause.)
Not much.
(Pause.)
But … a little.
ANN (Considers it.)
That’s so sad.
(Pause; helpful.)
Time.
PETER
Hm?
ANN
Time. Things happen, as the man said.
PETER
I just thought I’d mention it.
ANN (Cheerful.)
Certainly! Do you … do you want to have it looked at?
(More or less suppresses a giggle.)
Professionally, I mean?
PETER
No, I’ll … I’ll keep an eye on it.
ANN (Can’t help herself.)
I would; I mean …
(Musical.)
“The thrill of your glans …”
PETER
All right!
ANN (Helpful.)
Darling, if you want to regrow your foreskin …
PETER
I do not want to regrow my foreskin!
ANN
I mean, I’m sure there are ways to …
PETER (Rather ugly.)
Yeah, I know: hanging weights on it … for years! I’ve read about it.
ANN
Hanging weight on your … but it isn’t even there!
PETER
What isn’t?
ANN
Your foreskin. Except you say it’s coming back and …
PETER
That’s not what I said. What I said was that my circumcision was going away. I did not say my foreskin was coming back. For Christ’s sake! It can’t! It’s gone! A doctor took a pair of scissors and …
ANN
A scalpel, I think.
PETER
Whatever! I was a baby! Nobody asked me! They just … took it away!
ANN
And you not even Jewish.
PETER (Glum nod.)
And me not even Jewish.
(Angry.)
They should ask!
ANN
You weren’t a week old, for God’s sake.
PETER
I mean wait. They should wait … and ask.
ANN
How long?
PETER
You mean …?
ANN
What? Until you’re what—five? “Honey, do you think you’d like to be circumcised now?” “What’s that, Mommy?” “Well, darling, they take a little knife and …”
PETER (Not amused.)
No; no. Later.
ANN
The age of reason? Sixteen, or whatever? “Hey, Pete, you think you’d like to have your foreskin cut off today?” “Are you kidding?!”
PETER (Shakes his head.)
There’d be a lot more uncircumcised guys around.
ANN (Fact.)
And a lot more cervical cancer.
PETER
Really?
ANN (Nods.)
Some. What brought this on—me and my breasts?
PETER (Shrugs.)
Maybe. I don’t know.
ANN
It’s not your subject.
PETER
What?
ANN
Sex stuff.
PETER
No; I guess not.
ANN (An assessment, but not unkind.)
Mr. Circumspection.
PETER
Mmmmmm. Anyway—I thought I’d bring it up.
ANN
Well, I’m glad you did.
PETER
Really? Are you really glad?
ANN
What!
PETER
That I brought it up—my circumcision going away, or seeming to.
ANN (Thinks.)
Same thing … no?
PETER (Wry smile.)
Not your field.
ANN
Well, clearly you wanted to bring it up; clearly it’s been bothering you.
PETER
Not bothering … bemusing. Bemusing me.
ANN
Whatever. I appreciate being told—your … sharing.
PETER
You’re welcome. Obviously it wasn’t noticed.
ANN
“Noticed”?
PETER
Never mind.
ANN
I’m sorry.
PETER
It’s all right.
ANN (After a silence.)
Do they ask the parents? At the hospital? Before they do it?
PETER
What?
ANN
Circumcision.
PETER
I don’t know. We have daughters … remember?
ANN
Yes. I think I remember reading it’s … customary.
PETER
What?
ANN
Doing it.
PETER
You could sue; I could sue.
ANN (Smiles.)
And what would they do … sew it back on?
PETER
Maybe.
ANN
You mean you think they’ve kept it around for the past—what?—forty-five years … in a bottle somewhere?
PETER
What?!
ANN
Your foreskin. In a bottle somewhere in case you sued them?
PETER
Don’t be silly.
ANN
I wonder what we’d have done if we’d had a son.
PETER
What? Circumcision?
ANN
Yes. If they’d asked us.
PETER (Short pause.)
Damned if I know.
ANN (Gruff voice; imitating.)
“Well, sir, that’s a fine bouncing baby boy you’ve got there!”
PETER
I’ve never understood “bouncing.” They don’t … bounce it, do they? To see if …
ANN
Don’t be silly: it’s a figure of speech—your field.
(Imitation again.)
“… fine bouncing baby boy! Shall we trim its penis for you—for him?”
PETER
I’d say “no.” If they came at me like that, I’d say “no.”
ANN
Hmmmm. I suppose I’d leave it up to you.
PETER
Male stuff, eh?
ANN
There are things.
PETER
And there are woman things, too? Things you and the girls talk about and make decisions; things I don’t know about?
ANN
Don’t be silly: they’re barely teenagers. This isn’t Africa; we don’t circumcise our daughters.
PETER
That’s disgusting—what they do—those tribes do!
ANN
Yes.
(Pause.)
It cuts down on the infidelity, though.
PETER
What does?
ANN
Circumcising the girls—and they don’t usually do it at birth. They wait—until puberty I think.
PETER
Ugh!
ANN
Then they do it—hack off the clitoris.
PETER
Stop!
ANN
Kills all the sensation—all the pleasure, when they’re old enough for pleasure. Cuts down on infidelity, as I said. No pleasure, no reason—no physical reason.
PETER
So does cutting off the breasts.
ANN
Hacking.
PETER
Yes.
ANN
Circle!
PETER
Hm?
ANN
Full circle.
PETER (Smiles.)
Oh. Yes.
(Pause.)
What did you want—when you came in?
ANN
When?
PETER
When you came in.
ANN
When?!
PETER
When you came in with the dish towel. “We should talk,” you said.
ANN (Puzzled.)
Did I?
PETER
Yes!
ANN
Well, I must have wanted to talk about something.
PETER
Yes; I assumed.
ANN
And we didn’t talk about it.
PETER
No; I don’t think so.
ANN
I wonder what it was. Was this before the spinach?
PETER
During.
ANN
I wonder what it was!
PETER
Maybe if you go out and come back …
ANN
That’s silly.
PETER
It might jog your memory.
ANN (Pause.)
All right. I’ll go back out and come back in.
PETER
And I’ll go back to my book.
ANN
OK.
(She exits. PETER reads. She reenters.)
We should talk.
(PETER reads. She exits, reenters.)
That didn’t do a thing.
PETER
Nothing?
ANN
Well, it had a kind of fascination—pretending to be doing something for the first time. That was interesting, but I don’t think it helped much, helped our problem … our dilemma.
PETER
… the dilemma of what you meant when …
ANN
… when I came in back there and said “We should talk.” The first time. Not the second. Before the spinach.
PETER
I wouldn’t keep doing it.
ANN
No; certainly not. Besides, it’ll probably come to me, when I least expect it, like so much does.
PETER
… down on the elevator, out the door, down Seventy-fourth Street to the corner …
ANN
… stand there? Scream? In the night? Then it might come back to me?
PETER
Might.
(Imitation.)
“I know what I wanted to talk to him about!”
ANN
More likely something less … dramatic. But if it did—if it was—I’d have to wake you up and tell you.
PETER
And if you did—if you woke me—I’d know it was something important—something … threatening.
ANN (Smiles.)
Really; and we don’t have that, do we.
PETER (Uncertain.)
No. I don’t think so—not yet anyway.
ANN
No, but if I did wake you, said we had to talk, you’d sit up quickly, and your eyes’d be open very wide.
PETER
Yes. Well, I think so. And I’d know something terrible had happened.
ANN
You’d know?
PETER
Well, no; I don’t know if I’d know, but I think I would.
ANN
You’d assume.
PETER
Yes. That’s it: I’d assume.
ANN
What would you assume?
PETER
That something terrible had …
ANN
You said that. Specifically. What specifically?
PETER (A little annoyed.)
Well, I don’t know. I mean … for God’s sake, Ann …
ANN
I’m not a generality; I’m a person.
PETER
I know.
ANN
… and if I woke you and you bolted up, whatever awful thing you thought had happened would relate to me, most likely, or the kids, or you, or …
PETER
Yes!
ANN
So?!
PETER
I’d … what’s the term? … I’d “gather my wits about me.”
ANN
So that’s what you’d do, is it?
PETER
What?
ANN
Gather your wits about you—if I sat on the bed and woke you in the … what do they call it? … the small hours? That’s what you’d do?
PETER
Most likely. Or scream. Or refuse to wake up.
ANN
If you thought it was going to be terrible enough.
PETER
Yes. But I’d probably bolt up, gather my wits about me … and ask what it was.
ANN
But what would you imagine? What would you imagine was terrible enough …
PETER
That’s not what I said. “Important” is what I said, or “threatening.”
ANN
Then you said “terrible.”
PETER
All right!!
ANN
And we don’t have that, do we?
PETER (Sighs.)
No. But—as I said—we’re probably going to, one day.
ANN (Sincere.)
Oh, you poor dear. And we may even talk about it.
PETER
Don’t patronize.
ANN
I’m not.
PETER (Calm.)
I’m not a bad person, you know; my life may not be very exciting … no jagged edges …
ANN (Agreeing.)
No.
PETER
… but it’s not a bad life we’ve made together, and …
ANN
I know! I’m happy!
PETER (Tiny pause.)
Are you?
ANN
Well … yes; I … yes, of course. I have my bad times. You do, too.
PETER
You do?
ANN
Of course. You never tell me about yours, so …
PETER
I do! I just told you about …
ANN
Not the real ones; not the ones that there’s nothing to be done about … in any real sense.
PETER (Pause.)
Ah. Those. Well, you don’t tell me, either.
ANN
About the real ones? The ones there’s nothing to be done about?
PETER
Yes; those.
ANN
Why bother? If there’s nothing to be done … why bother? If there’s no help … why bother?
PETER (Shy.)
To … share?
ANN
Be helpless together? Cling like marmosets?
PETER
People need that sometimes.
ANN
Do they? Do you?
PETER
Not yet … I guess.
ANN
I wonder if I do.
PETER (Pressing.)
What was it you’d tell me?
ANN (Self-absorbed.)
Hm?
PETER
What was it you’d tell me if you sat on the bed and woke me in the small hours? What might it be?
ANN
Oh …
(Gathers ideas.)
that my mother had died—or yours? That someone had kidnapped the girls? That I was three months pregnant and not by you? That our broker had made off with everything? That …
PETER (Hands over ears.)
Please!!
ANN
What do you want—minor stuff? The parakeets got out? The icebox broke? Someone threw up in the hall?
PETER
Yes!
ANN
I wouldn’t wake you up for any of that. And I don’t wake you for the worse stuff—the real killers that nothing can be done about. That … that I know you love me—as you understand it, and I’m grateful for that—but not enough, that you don’t love me the way I need it, or I think I do; that that’s not your makeup—not in you, perhaps, or that maybe there’s no one could do it, could love me as much as I need to be loved; or worse … that I think I deserve more than I do, and that deep down I’m … less than I think I am.
PETER (A hand out.)
Oh, Ann.
ANN
Shall I go on?
PETER (Sighs.)
Might as well.
ANN
That nothing is … ultimately … sufficient—not you, not us, not … me? And I know you’re probably going through this, too. Or—worse—that maybe you’re not, that maybe none of it’s ever occurred to you—that you … don’t have it in you?
PETER (Long silence.)
Well.
ANN
You did ask.
PETER
Yes, I did.
ANN
Which is it?
PETER
Pardon?
ANN (Harder.)
… that you don’t have it in you!
PETER (Quiet supplication.)
Be kind.
ANN
No! No! Do you? Do you have it in you?
PETER (Engaged, but rational.)
I thought we both made a decision—when we decided to be together, or even before we knew each other—I thought we made a decision, must have made one, that what we wanted was a smooth voyage on a safe ship, a view of porpoises now and then, a gentle swell, bright clouds way off, a sense that it was a … familiar voyage, though we’d never taken it before—a pleasant journey, all the way through. And that’s what we’re having …
(Slight doubt.)
isn’t it?
ANN (A tinge of disappointment.)
Yeah; sure.
PETER (Hearing it.)
No?
ANN
No; yes. That’s what we’ve both wanted: stay away from icebergs; avoid the Bermuda Triangle; remember where the lifeboats are, knowing, of course, that most of them don’t work—no need. Yes; that’s what we’ve wanted … and that’s what we’ve had—for the most part. And isn’t it frightening.
PETER
That wasn’t a question.
ANN
No; it wasn’t. And isn’t it frightening.
PETER (A little boy.)
It is?
ANN
Sure. And we’ll never die.
PETER
No?
ANN
No; we’ll just vanish.
(A silence.)
PETER
I made the assumption, I guess, that it’s what you wanted, too.
ANN
Oh? Well … sure—for the most part … most of the time. We have a better life than most people; we haven’t hit any of the brick walls yet; the playing field is all green and mowed within an inch of its life, except now and then there are … gopher holes.
PETER (Bewildered.)
Gopher holes?!
ANN
Sure; take our fucking, now …
PETER (A protest.)
Ann!
ANN
There’s no one here: The cats are asleep someplace, the girls are upstairs going deaf from all the music, and the birds couldn’t care less. Who’s to hear?
PETER (Quietly.)
Me?
ANN
Oh, yeah? Then listen. You’re good at making love.
PETER
Thank you.
ANN
You’re welcome, but you’re lousy at fucking.
(PETER gets up.)
Sit down!
(He does.)
All the things that fucking entails, or can entail—aggressive, brutal maybe, two people who’ve known each other for years—slept together for years—suddenly behaving like strangers, like people who’ve just met in a bar and gone to the motel next door to hammer it all out, to fuck for the sake of fucking. There are people who’ve lived together for years, who love one another deeply. Who sometimes go at each other like strangers—a regular one-shot deal, like you’ll never see each other again … or want to. The moment! Two strangers! The moment! There are people rise to that—sink to it, if you like—rise to that, become animals, strangers, with nothing less than impure simple lust for one another. There are people do that.
PETER (Long, sad pause.)
I’m not like that.
ANN
I know. And I love you dearly. When we come together in bed and I know we’re going to—what is the term young people use?—going to do it? When we come together in bed and I know we’re going to “make love.” I know it’s going to be two people who love each other giving quiet, orderly, predictable, deeply pleasurable joy. And believe me, my darling, it’s enough; it’s more than enough … most of the time. But where’s the … the rage, the … animal? We’re animals! Why don’t we behave like that … like beasts?! Is it that we love each other too safely, maybe? That we’re secure? That we’re too … civilized? Don’t we ever hate one another?
PETER (Small pause.)
Cover it up any way you want—be nice about it—but you mean I’m not very good in bed.
ANN
No! You’re very good—very good. I just wish you could be a little … bad sometime.
(Sees him react.)
I’ve hurt you!
PETER
No; that’s not it. I was bad, once. I was very bad.
ANN (Ears sharp.)
Oh? Recently?
PETER (Smiles slightly.)
No; before I knew you.
ANN (Kind of sad.)
Oh.
PETER
I’ve never told you. I never thought I’d have to. I was at college. And I’d pledged to a fraternity.
ANN (Generous.)
Well … back then bright people did that sometimes.
PETER
Yes. And there was a lot of hazing—forcing beer down us ’til we threw up, making us take terrible enemas until we couldn’t hold it, and throwing us out of doors naked, so passersby would …
ANN
Jesus!
PETER
Yes; well. And one night there was the sex party.
ANN (Ears again.)
Oh?
PETER
It was ugly; it was planned with one of the sororities. The pledges were all put together—the girls with the boys, and …
ANN
And?
PETER
And we were supposed to fuck. Cherry-popping they called it.
ANN
I don’t believe it.
PETER
What happened?
ANN
No; the term.
PETER
Well, there it was—a lot of liquor, grass, other stuff. Mattresses spread around; lights way down; rooms, too. And most people … wanted it, or seemed to.
ANN
What fraternity was this?
PETER
And there was this girl came on to me; I didn’t know her …
ANN
… from Eve.
PETER
… from what? Oh; yes; very good. I didn’t know her and she’d brought me into this room, and we were alone in there and … well, I’d been with a couple of girls—you know: in my life—so I wasn’t a total amateur, or anything. And we were both … out of it—mostly grass, I think—and we’d gotten naked, and she was playing with my … with my …
ANN
Your ear? Your toe?
PETER
No; my … my …
(Points.)
ANN (Fairly loud.)
Your penis!
PETER (Sotto voce.)
Yes! Shhhhh!
(She laughs.)
Don’t!
ANN
Sorry.
PETER
And I guess we were both pretty hot, and I moved down on her and …
ANN
Did she like that? I do.
PETER
I know.
ANN
Go on.
PETER
Well, I thought she would, and I was spreading her a little, and she said, “No. Don’t do that. Go in me.” And so I spread her further, and, well, my … penis was very hard, and I was going to enter her and she said, “No; not there. The other.”
ANN (Enlightened.)
Ohhhhhh.
PETER
“You want me to …,” “Yes! Yes! There!” Well, I’d never done that, and …
ANN
What a surprise.
PETER
Let me finish?
ANN
Sorry.
PETER
But it was what she wanted she said, and it was real exciting, and so I did. And it was; it was real exciting, and disgusting, and it turned me on in an awful way, and I wanted to hurt her, and she started sort of hissing at me, “Hurt me! Hurt me!” And … I guess I was too big …
ANN (Entranced.)
Big enough.
PETER
And—here it is—I was stroking harder and harder, jamming it into her, really, and she was sobbing and yelling and “Yes! Hurt me!” And I kept on jamming and jamming into her until she screamed, and it wasn’t a right scream, and she screamed again and tried to push me out with her hands and she did, and there was blood; my … penis was bloody and …
ANN (Oddly angry.)
No! Not your penis! Your dick! Your cock! That’s what was bloody!
PETER (Tiny pause.)
Yes;
(Comes down from it as he talks.)
and I was all bloody, and she was crying—whimpering really, and I said, “Oh, God, I’m sorry; I’m so sorry!” And she said, “You hurt me!” And I said “That’s what you said; you said you wanted me to hurt you! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”
(Pause.)
ANN (Cold.)
What happened?
PETER (Sighs.)
She went to the infirmary, they told me, and they fixed her up and …
ANN
And?
PETER
And she never told anyone who I was. I guess she was too embarrassed.
ANN
Or too nice?
PETER
What? Oh, yes: or too nice. So … so I’ve been careful never to hurt anyone—to hurt you; you being everyone for so long now.
ANN
Thank you.
PETER
It’s not all right to want to love somebody and not hurt them?
ANN (Oddly self-absorbed.)
Yes; of course it is.
PETER
So, if I’ve been too careful, if I’m too gentle …
ANN
You learned your lesson.
PETER
Yes.
ANN
I don’t think I was talking about pain, anyway—not like that; that’s something I don’t need. I think I was talking about being an animal—nothing more.
PETER (A litle uncertain.)
We all are, no?
ANN
Yes, but we can have it bred out of us—learned away. Thank you for being a fine husband—no sarcasm; don’t even think it—for being gentle, and thoughtful, and honest, and … “good”—oh, that awful word! And for putting up with your wife, who seems to want … something a little less—less deserving, maybe, though she doesn’t know; has glimmers now and then, but doesn’t truly know.
PETER (Pause.)
You’re welcome.
ANN (Objective now.)
All these years and you never told me.
PETER (A slight smile.)
Ditto.
ANN (Smiles; nods.)
Touché.
PETER
There are things you don’t say if they don’t have anything to do with anything that’s ever going to happen again.
ANN
They’re not cautionary, you mean.
PETER
Yes … no.
ANN (Smiles.)
Yes … no.
(Pause.)
I am happy with you—with us. It’s me I sense I’m not happy with—not entirely. And I never know exactly what it is; something … other.
PETER (Gentle.)
And no one can help?
ANN
No. No one … this “something other.”
PETER
Almost anything?
ANN (Tiny, sharp laugh.)
You mean almost anyone? No; not at all. Something less, maybe. Maybe it’s just being secure; maybe that’s the killer. It’s not pain I want, or loss; it’s what I can’t imagine—but I imagine imagining.
PETER (Smile.)
It’s hopeless, then.
ANN
Yes. Isn’t that nice? If it can’t be helped why fret it?
PETER (Pause.)
Has this helped? All of this … has it helped?
ANN (Rising.)
Yes; a little.
(Goes to him, looks at him in the face, smiles, slaps him hard. His mouth opens in astonishment; she kisses his cheek where she slapped him.)
Did that hurt?
PETER (Feels his cheek.)
Yes.
ANN (Bemused.)
I’ve never done that, have I.
PETER (Why?)
No!
ANN
No; I’ve never wanted to, and I didn’t want to now—hurt you, I mean. Astonish you, I think. Yes: astonish you. Did that astonish you?
PETER
In that I’ve never imagined it? Yes.
ANN
Then that must be what I wanted—a little … disorder around here, a little … chaos.
PETER
And we don’t have that.
ANN
No. A little madness. Wouldn’t that be good?
PETER (Rising to it.)
How would we go about it?
ANN
About what?
PETER
The chaos! The madness!
ANN
How would we go about it?
PETER (Growing enthusiasm.)
Yes! What would happen!
ANN (As if recalling.)
You’d be reading; I’d come in, and the lights would start blinking, and the chandeliers would start swaying …
PETER
An earthquake!
ANN
No … a tornado! And we’d hear it coming—the roaring we’d never heard before but knew what it was!
PETER
And I’d go to the window, and there it was! Coming right at us!
ANN
And it would be terrifying and exciting, and it would sweep us all away, shatter the windows, rip the pictures from the walls…!
PETER (Fully caught up.)
… knock over the cages and the birds would fly out …
ANN
… and the cats would see that, and they would catch the parakeets and eat them! …
PETER
… and the girls would see this, and the girls would do—what?!—eat the cats?
ANN
Sure; fearful symmetry.
PETER
And what … and what do we do then … eat the girls?
ANN (Gleefully abandoned.)
Sure! Even more fearful!
(Down now, both of them; laughter subsiding, fading into a silence.)
PETER (Finally.)
But who will eat us?
ANN (Pause.)
We do that ourselves. We eat ourselves—all up.
PETER (Long pause.)
Gobble gobble.
ANN (Sad smile.)
Gobble.
(PETER laughs—harshly; abruptly; stops. Long pause; she rises, moves toward the kitchen. Don’t rush any of the remaining.)
I think I’ll try doing the spinach again.
(Pause.)
Or maybe I won’t.
(Pause.)
What are you going to do? Read?
PETER
I don’t know. It’s a nice day; maybe I’ll go to the park—read there. Something readable.
ANN
Don’t be forever.
PETER
(Rises, moves toward the front door with the book.)
No; no, I won’t.
ANN (Pause.)
I love you, you know.
PETER (Pause.)
Yes; I know. And I love you.
ANN (Exiting.)
Don’t take any wooden nickels.
PETER
(Registering, after she exits.)
Don’t take any what? Ann?
(But she is gone. He pauses, exits to hall to front door.)
END OF ACT ONE