Drew took in the half-filled suitcase on the bed, the cat sitting inside it, hangers on the floor and dresser drawers open. The room looked ransacked. She sure was in a hurry to get out of there. Out of his life.
Pain stabbed his heart, and in that instant he knew. He loved her.
He loved this woman who brought sunshine to his days, who’d coaxed Wyatt out of his protective shell, who cared about everyone more than she did herself.
He loved her, and she was leaving.
“Where are you going?” He knew whatever she was about to say was going to make him bleed. His mind sped to the morning his college football coach had called him into the office and told him he’d been cut from the team. It had been the worst day of his life.
Until today.
Didn’t Lauren know this would destroy him?
He needed her. Wyatt needed her.
He shouldn’t have let himself fall in love with her. She’d always been too good for him. He didn’t deserve her, and he knew it. She must have finally realized it, too.
“I don’t know where. Away.” She set the blouse next to Zingo and returned to the closet.
She didn’t know where she was going? Sounded like she was escaping.
Escaping him. He didn’t blame her. He’d pushed and pushed her to help him with Wyatt, even after he knew it would be hard on her. Always thinking of himself.
“Wyatt’s with your parents,” he said, his voice surprisingly calm. “I hope that’s okay. I thought I’d better talk to you before bringing him over.”
She didn’t meet his eyes. “Mom and Dad are good in situations like this.”
He took the sweatshirt out of her hands. “Can we talk?”
“What is there to say?”
Was she being serious? His heart was thumping about a thousand beats per minute. “Let’s go to the living room. I can’t think with you packing.”
She nodded, leading the way, sitting on the edge of the couch, ready to spring up at any moment.
She looked fragile. His agitation subsided, replaced with calm. “Lauren, what’s going on?”
“I messed up.” Her words tumbled out quickly, nervously. She sounded about ready to cry. “The interview took too long, and I knew something was going on with Wyatt. I knew it. Ever since visiting Chase, he’s been acting secretive. I should have kept an eye on him. I should have rescheduled the interview for another time. I failed you. I failed him.”
“What? That’s crazy. This wasn’t your fault.” Drew moved to sit next to her, putting his arm around her shoulders.
She jerked away, standing. “It is. I can’t do this anymore. You’re going to have to find another babysitter. I’m calling the principal and withdrawing my application. I’m not cut out for working with kids.”
His heart was already black and blue, and she’d only said a few words. How could he convince her to stay?
“Go back in there and unpack your suitcase. Wyatt is fine. He snuck out and rode his bike to the middle school because…well, I don’t entirely know why, but I do know it had nothing to do with you.”
She whirled to him, eyes stricken. “It has everything to do with me. I’ve been trained to look for signs, and all the signs were there, Drew. Sullen, scared, secretive. Spending too much time on that stupid iPod. I knew he was up to something, but I didn’t want to believe it. I can’t help anyone until I get my head out of the clouds. You think a parent is going to forgive me when I miss the signs their daughter was suicidal? No. It doesn’t work that way.” She hugged her arms around her waist.
He wanted to cup her face in his hands and make her look in his eyes and tell her he loved her and how much she meant to him. But she was ready to shatter. So he stayed put.
“There is nothing to forgive, Lauren. You give people hope. I don’t want you to be anyone but exactly who you are.”
“You say that, but you don’t know me, Drew. You don’t.” Her eyes flashed silver. “I’ve never been who everyone thought I was. I’m the daughter of a drug addict and a murderer.”
“You’re the daughter of the King. God Himself.”
She shook her head as if she didn’t want to hear it. “Remember that duffel bag I told you about? What I didn’t tell you is that I pulled a knife on a kid to get it back when I was six years old. Six! What six-year-old threatens someone with a knife? That foster home knew enough to get rid of me.”
Each word landed like lead in his gut. He could picture her, a beautiful little girl. His entire being revolted at what she’d been through. He closed the distance between them.
“No six-year-old should have to defend her property herself. You should have had a mom and dad to protect you.”
“I did. Later.” The anguish gripping her face sent waves of pain through his chest. “They made me feel like I was good enough, but I’m not. I’m just not. I’m never going to be.” Her shoulders sagged. She looked drained.
Drew gently took her in his arms. He kissed the hair next to her ear and held her, but she didn’t hold him back.
“You’re too good, Lauren. You want to help everyone. I don’t know why you think you’re such a failure. You’re everything to me.”
She stepped back. “Don’t say that. I’m not. You can’t depend on me. I’ll let you down the same way I let everyone down.”
“You wouldn’t. You don’t.” How could he break through this crust of guilt encased around her heart? “I told you a while back I’m here for you. No matter what. That hasn’t changed. I…I promise.” He almost said the words I love you, but he couldn’t. Not yet.
“I don’t want your promise. I want to be alone.” The finality in her tone and the tremors in her arms concerned him. He was getting nowhere with her. He didn’t want to make it worse.
“I’ll let you be alone for now, Lauren, but I keep my promises. Wyatt had a choice today. He chose to do the wrong thing. Those kids you’re so upset about in Chicago? They had a choice, too. The older one could have said no to the gang. The younger could have stayed in his house where he belonged.”
“I should have—”
He raised his hand to cut her off. “You know what? You have a choice, too. You can give up on all that’s good about you, all that you bring to the world to make it better, or you can accept that life stinks sometimes, and you can keep trying. But I can’t force you.”
“Please go,” she whispered.
Did his promise mean nothing to her? Did he mean nothing to her?
What had he expected? He’d known he wasn’t good enough for her. Told himself over and over he’d get hurt if he let himself fall in love. He’d been living a dream—just like when he’d been on the college football team—and now the dream was over. Except this was worse. Much worse.
He wished he would have taken his own advice when he’d moved back and never let himself fall for Lauren Pierce.
He walked down the hall and left her apartment.
* * *
Lauren dropped onto the couch. Everything Drew said swirled, conflicted, collided in her brain. She didn’t even know where to begin to make sense of today. The only thing she knew? He was wrong about her.
She couldn’t get her head straight in this matchbox of an apartment. It suffocated her. She shoved her feet into athletic shoes, grabbed her keys and phone and ran out the door. When she got to the sidewalk, she didn’t think, just jogged in the direction of the lake.
The truth of Drew’s words nailed themselves into her soul, but she couldn’t quite believe them.
You’re the daughter of the King.
The park entrance loomed ahead, and she sped up. Could she outrun his voice? Could she outrun herself?
She sprinted along the trail next to the lake until she hunched over, gasping for breath. Why had she been packing her suitcase? It wasn’t as if she had anywhere to go.
I’m still that little girl packing her bag, aren’t I?
Exhaustion clawed through her body, and she collapsed on a park bench facing the lake. Seagulls swooped down to the water, calling to each other noisily.
“I am a mess.” The words escaped without thought. She turned her head from side to side to see if anyone was around. No one lurked. She sighed in relief. Didn’t want to add losing her mind to her list of shortcomings.
She leaned back. The sun warmed her face, and the scent in the air held the tang of the freshwater lake.
God, what am I doing? What do You want me to do?
A squirrel chattered a few yards away. He stood on his hind legs with a nut between his paws. Then he bit into the nut and ran away.
Being a squirrel seemed to be a lot less complicated than being a human.
Why am I making it so complicated?
Drew said they all had choices. She agreed with that. But—
How did she know the right choice? How could she trust herself to make the right decision?
She had a strong urge to go to her parents’ house. To talk to her mom.
Had Wyatt and Drew left yet?
She texted her mom. Are you busy? Is Wyatt still there?
Almost instantly her mom replied. Drew picked him up a few minutes ago. Why?
She felt terrible for not seeing Wyatt since Drew found him, but she wasn’t ready. She texted Mom back. I’m coming over.
Ten minutes later she found Mom in the kitchen.
“Wyatt upset you today, didn’t he?” Mom’s loving eyes crashed through the chaos inside her. Lauren drifted into her arms. “It’s okay. He’s okay. No harm done.”
No harm done? She let that one slide and hugged her for a long time. Finally, she broke away.
“Come on,” Mom said. “Let’s go out to the living room. You can tell me all about it.”
She didn’t want to tell her all about it, but she followed her, anyway. A vase of daisies brightened the coffee table, and the faint smell of vanilla was in the air from one of her mother’s candles. “Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m a mess.”
She smiled. “We’re all a mess, honey.”
“No, I’m truly a mess.” Her mom never really got it that some people were more messed up than others. She acted like anything Lauren said or did could be washed clean with one of her dishcloths. “I’ve always been one.”
“That’s funny because when I look at you I see a beautiful, caring woman.”
I’ve duped her, too. It’s time she saw the real me.
“You see a fake. I’ve been fooling you and my teachers and everyone for years.”
Her mom made a tsking sound. “Lauren, you’ve never fooled me. You’re not a fake.”
Would the woman not wake up?
“Look, Mom.” Lauren leaned forward. “I was a rotten little girl. Got kicked out of four foster homes. I threatened a kid with a knife at one point. As an adult, I’ve made bad choices with some of my cases, and one boy is dead because of it. Another is in juvie. I didn’t do my job today. Instead of babysitting Wyatt, I was on the phone getting interviewed for a job I’m not qualified for.”
“Is that what you think?” Mom slowly shook her head. “You weren’t kicked out of any foster homes. The first one was always meant as a temporary solution. The second one’s parents had life circumstances they couldn’t control, and they wanted better for you. The third family was prosecuted for abusing the kids. The fourth led us to you. You were no more rotten than any other kid out there. I don’t care if you threatened anyone with a knife. Because I know you. Deep down, I know you. And that girl must have had a good reason to do it.”
Emotion swelled in her chest. “But, Mom—”
“No, you’re not going to convince me, Lauren. Nice try. You weren’t responsible for that boy’s death any more than you were responsible for Wyatt running off today. Look, these kids are doing things out of desperation, the same way you must have done.”
Lauren knew that desperation. Had known it as a little girl. Still knew it now.
“Your dad and I are proud of you for wanting to help children, but don’t ever think you’re required to. If it’s too hard, get into another field. God didn’t put you on earth to save every soul you come into contact with. He’s the one in the saving business. Let Him do His job.”
Is that what she’d been trying to do? Save everyone?
Yes.
Her mom was right. She almost laughed at her arrogance. Who did she think she was?
Mom took her by the shoulders and stared into her eyes. “Lauren, you do understand God loves you as is, right? You can’t earn His love. It’s a grace thing.”
That sobered her up. A grace thing.
“I’ve never let anyone get too close,” Lauren said softly. “I don’t even think I’ve let God get too close.”
“It’s never too late.” Mom held her arms open. Lauren embraced her, inhaling the rose scent of her mother’s favorite soap.
“I think I’m in love with Drew Gannon.”
Mom stepped back, her mouth dropping open. “It’s about time.”
Lauren did a double take. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’ve waited years and years for you to get serious with someone. I’m ready for grandbabies to spoil.”
Grandbabies?
“Don’t get your hopes up. I was pretty awful to him this afternoon.”
“You’re a strong woman. Go there and apologize.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“No, I mean, it’s over. An apology isn’t going to cut it.” She’d burned her bridges. She was good at it. Had kept herself an island most of her life.
“He’s a good man. He stares at you like you’re a princess. He’s strong, kind, and he works hard. Go after him.”
That was the problem. He was good and kind and stared at her like she was something more than she could claim.
“If God loves you exactly the way you are, and your dad and I certainly do, don’t you think Drew does, too?”
Lauren squeezed her eyes shut. It had taken time, but she’d grown to accept and cherish her parents’ unconditional love. But Drew? He had feelings for her, sure. But he didn’t love her.
If God loved her exactly as she was and her parents did the same, why didn’t she love herself, flaws and all? Was it even possible?
She had enough to think about right now, and all she wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed and pretend today had never happened.