Raven was lying in bed before school when she heard a loud commotion. She threw her blankets back and ran down the hallway. She burst into Carter’s bedroom and adjusted her eyes. Carter was tearing up his room again. Papers, blankets, shoes, and water bottles were flying all over the place. He grunted and tried to move his desk to lift it above his head.
“Carter! Carter! What’s wrong?!” She grabbed his arms and noticed the scratches. He pushed her back as she grabbed his collar and ripped it. She toppled over onto his bed. Carter didn’t speak but continued ripping things off the walls and flipping his mattress from the floor. He cursed, screamed, and foamed at the mouth. His eyes were dark and rolling in his head. He almost looked unrecognizable.
They tussled for a while with him besting Raven; she didn’t realize how strong he was. She felt his heart beating against her chest. Sweat sat on Carter’s brown skin, and he squinted like he expected trouble.
“Carter, stop!” Raven screamed as she tried wrestling him into a bear hug. Carter’s body went limp with Raven’s arms around him, and he slid to the floor and cried. Raven saw stars. She steadied herself against the wall, and they sat on the floor together.
“I’m-I’m sorry,” Carter finally said with tears streaking his brown face. “I don’t want to go back. Please don’t send me back,” he said.
“Shhhh shhhh,” Raven rocked him. Her leg was cramped, but she didn’t move him. Her neck ached, but she pushed through the pain. While she settled Carter, she could hear the school bus pass by—without her on it.
“Did something happen?”
“No, nothing happened. I just do this sometimes.” He looked up at Raven. His eyes looked fearful. Worried. There were so many things he didn’t say, but his eyes told on him.
“Is she going to take me?”
“I don’t know.” Raven wiped sweat from her face.
“Is Unc gonna let her take me?”
Raven didn’t know. She didn’t have an answer for that, but she lied, anyway. “No.”
Raven waited so long for Carter to talk, and when he finally did, she had to lie. Well, it really wasn’t a lie, she just wasn’t sure what was going to happen. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Do you want to stay?”
He shook his head yes.
“She can come to visit. But I want to stay here,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Carter’s body relaxed to those words. She didn’t realize his body was so tense in her arms. She didn’t know what else to do, so she talked. Raven didn’t understand his quietness, but she understood feeling misunderstood—like how Jasmine did. Raven thought about Jasmine in that quiet moment too. She talked for them both, and Carter listened intently, adding in a head nod or a snort when necessary. Raven told him about Ms. Whitaker in school and the things she taught her about calming herself. Raven told him everything she knew about anxiety and how it looked different for everyone. She told him about Ms. Twizz and them trying to get her son out of prison. She told Carter about chemistry class and Amir. They laughed about Nana’s fanny packs and her Johnny Gill.
Tears fell from Carter’s face as he talked about his mom. More tears fell from Raven’s eyes while she listened.
She admitted her shame about carpeting Taylor. Raven hadn’t shared her innermost thoughts with anyone about the Taylor debacle. Carter had no couth. He peered up at Raven and said, “You were jealous. You thought she was trading on you for Nia.” Raven giggled to herself. He was right.
Soon enough, the sun peeked its head through the clouds. Carter’s breathing changed. Raven looked down; he was asleep in her arms.
“Baby girl, you okay?” Khalil asked as he stood in the doorway in his uniform and watched Raven and Carter closely. Khalil peeked into Carter’s room, assessing the mess. He didn’t say a word. Raven’s back ached, and her mouth was dry. Khalil helped Raven move a sleeping Carter out of her arms, and they picked his mattress off the floor, replacing it back into the bed frame. They eased Carter into his bed, and he curled up into a ball and buried himself under the blankets.
“Can you turn the light out?” Carter asked quietly.
Raven and Khalil looked at each other and softly shut the door, clicking the light off.
There would be no school that day.
* * *
Later that evening, Carter was ravenous by the time they sat down for dinner. He talked but didn’t mention what happened earlier. He seemed different. Blair tripped into the house while carrying grocery bags, and she called them everything but a child of God. Carter thought it was hilarious. Raven was happy he was laughing.
He must’ve had a good sleep, Raven speculated, setting the dinner table.
“So, who wants to go first? Huddle? Actually, I’ll go first.” Khalil cut into his food. “Today, I witnessed an adoption at court. It was nice to see the new family and everyone happy.”
Blair eyed Khalil carefully. “And your low?”
“Well.... I’ve been thinking. You do a lot around here. I need to step it up more. So, I will.” He looked at Blair closely. Their eyes were soft, and they held each other’s gaze. Blair cleared her throat and looked away.
Carter cleared his throat next.
“Can I go?” he asked.
“Sure, baby,” Blair sat up straight in her chair.
“Ray helped me today. That was my high. I ain’t got no lows though,” Carter spoke like he was waiting for someone to interrupt. No one did.
Raven’s heart swelled and her face flushed red. She hoped they couldn’t see her cheeks turning. “We want you here.” Raven nodded.
Dinner continued with light conversation and a few laughs. It was music to Raven’s starved ears.
“Have you ever taken out the trash?” Khalil asked Carter.
“No.”
“Like you’ve never carried it outside, you mean?” Khalil questioned. Carter shrugged his shoulders.
“Okay, well, it’s simple. You lift the strings on the sides and pull the bag up out of the trashcan. Then sit it in the black bin outside. Okay?” Khalil instructed.
Khalil modeled it once for Carter. Raven watched her dad drop down into a semi-squat stance and pull the trash bag up out of the bin with one swift motion.
“You try.” Khalil pointed to Carter.
Carter nodded his head and took over the bags from Khalil while they switched positions. Carter furrowed his eyebrows together as he attempted to hoist the bag out of the trashcan. His small muscles bulged from his arms, and he panted heavily. He grunted and lost his footing a bit. He steadied himself again and pulled the bag up once more. Carter lost his balance and stumbled back, still determined to get the sack out of the trashcan. The trashcan was obviously winning and too heavy for Carter. His arms shook as he pulled the bag up and sweat formed at his hairline.
Raven and her parents stood back, letting their uncertainty take the lead. The sight of Carter as he struggled with the trashcan did something to Raven, and before long, she giggled. Then Blair. Then Khalil. Then surprisingly, Carter cracked a smile.
Carter sat the bag down, and it hit the floor with a loud smack. The family did something they had not done in a very long time. . . they shared a laugh. Deep belly laughs. The family snorted and gasped for breath. Blair had tears coming out of her eyes, and Khalil choked out a cough with his arm on the wall. His shoulders shook up and down as he snickered. The entire family roared with laughter at the sight of Carter sparring with the too heavy trash can.
Khalil took out his phone and FaceTimed Phoenix. He struggled to tell her through his laughs about Carter and the trash can. Raven heard them laughing together as Khalil helped Carter with the trash can.
Carter continued snickering, and Raven saw something she had never seen before in his eyes.
Hope.
We are going to make it, Raven decided.