Vive la Différence!
Why men need women, why women need men, and why a good sex life is worth striving for.
There’s a reason you’re reading this book. You want more sex, more variety in sex, or, let’s be honest . . . any sex at all! Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?
If you’ve thought any of the above, you’re not alone. Thousands of men and women feel the same way. And you’re right—you are missing out. Marital intimacy, including sexual intimacy, is designed as an incredible, personal act between two committed people that cements a relationship so tightly that no one can get in between you.
Right now what you’re doing in your marriage either isn’t working enough to satisfy you or isn’t working at all. It’s time for a change. You two deserve more, and you can have so much more—in just five days. Whether you have a sex life, somewhat of one, or none right now, Have a New Sex Life by Friday will reveal how to get the warmth, intimacy, and wow sex you desire.
Some of you are saying, “My spouse? Are you kidding me? To have a great sex life, or any sex life at all, I’d have to find a different partner.”
Getting a new sex life by Friday doesn’t mean you ditch your spouse. Far from it. In this book, I’ll reveal the secrets to how you can have a warm and intimate connection, fabulous communication, and yes, even sizzling sex with the one you love.
That spouse you think is reticent about sex could become a tiger in your bedroom with even a little work on your part. It’s amazing what can happen when you begin to see the world through your spouse’s eyes, and when you use the principles in this book to get to know that person more deeply than you ever have. As I’ve counseled couples over the years, using these same techniques, hundreds of thousands of marriages have been turned around. Previously reticent partners of all ages are now enjoying the exciting bonds of marital intimacy, including engaging in passionate sex. You younger readers can be like bunnies in a field in springtime. For those who are middle-aged, don’t let anyone tell you that you have to slow down when you hit your forties. For those of you older readers, yes, sex is still possible and wonderful.
By the end of Have a New Sex Life by Friday, you’ll understand why your spouse is responding the way he or she is and how you can talk so your spouse will listen. You’ll have answers to the questions you’ve wanted to ask about sex but weren’t sure who to ask. Five days from now you’ll be well on your way to building the kind of love that is warm and satisfying and will last until you’re both as wrinkled as raisins. When you’re away from each other, you’ll still have an intimate connection that drives you to text or call each other because you can’t stand not to. And when you’re together, you might not even need Netflix anymore for entertainment.
Isn’t that a dividend worth investing five days in? And all the gusto you can give it?
Every person’s views on sex and his or her background differs. No matter what yours are, this book will expand and challenge your thinking about sex and marital intimacy. Decide right now that you will set aside any preconceived notions you have about what sex is and what it’s not. Give these principles and ideas your full attention. Forge ahead for your own sake, your spouse’s sake, and your children’s sake (if you have them), because this relationship deserves your best.
Not only that, but fine-tuning your connection is a great way to affair-proof your marriage.
Ready to plunge in?
Men and Women—So Tantalizingly Different
What makes men so different from women—other than the obvious male and female body parts? Here are some differences that have everything to do with how men’s and women’s brains naturally work. They can both tantalize and frustrate, unless you understand how they work and use them to your benefit to deepen your marital intimacy.
The way we process language and emotions
Psychology professor Richard Haier of the University of California, Irvine, and his colleagues from the University of New Mexico, who studied brain imaging technology, say there is a big difference between how men and women process language and emotions. When males listen to someone talking, only their left hemisphere is activated. With females, both left and right hemispheres are activated. Such activity, they believe, results in females having stronger language skills.
Male brains are about 10 percent larger than female brains (then again, many men are bigger physically than women) and contain about 6.5 times more gray matter (sometimes called “thinking matter”) than female brains. But does that make them smarter? Not necessarily. Female brains have more than 9.5 times as much white matter, which connects the various parts of the brain.1
It makes sense, then, that females use language to build relationships and are usually better at multitasking than men since both left and right hemispheres can be simultaneously actively engaged. Men in general find it easier to focus on a single task since mainly their left brain is activated.
When navigating, women are more likely to say, “Turn right at McDonald’s and then left at the corner market.” Men are more likely to say, “Go east one block, then north three blocks.”
Those brain differences apply not only to thinking but also to the way men and women process emotions. “Women are faster and more accurate at identifying emotions,” says Ruben Gur, a neurologist at the University of Pennsylvania. Women can also change their expressions and tone more easily.2
Is it any wonder that sometimes you and your spouse can feel like you are complete opposites? You truly are. If you’re a woman, you can bounce from one hemisphere to another or engage both without batting an eye. If you’re a man, you’re entrenched mainly in one hemisphere and can only see from that side of the brain . . . until your lovely bride helps you engage that other hemisphere she’s so good at navigating.
God Almighty certainly had a sense of humor when he created men and women as polar opposites, didn’t he? Yet we’re drawn to each other because we need each other in so many ways.
I want to be clear here. I believe with all my heart that men and women are of equal social value and are equally loved by God. However, some people transform that statement into, Men and women are the same. If we were the same, there would be no need for one of us. Men need women’s multitasking natures in order to make their world go around and to remember key events even in the midst of all-consuming work. Women need men’s ability to zero in on a single problem or issue and tenaciously pursue it until it’s resolved.
What we focus on and the risks we’re willing to take
Men are possibility thinkers and problem solvers. They tend to focus on the present (What’s the issue that needs to be fixed?) and the future (What if I . . . ?). Because they focus mainly in one hemisphere, they tend to evaluate what needs to be done and take swift action. They take risks more easily because they are targeted on getting the job done and don’t allow relationships to stop them from their trajectory. What family members or co-workers think of their decision doesn’t tend to enter the picture as a top priority. Getting the job done is their top priority.
Over lunch, men either think about what they’re eating or, if they eat on the job, may continue to focus on the project they’re in the middle of. Think of it this way: A man juggles events in life by tossing one apple up in the air and catching it as it comes down. Then, when he has finished with that one apple, he selects another apple, tosses it up in the air, and catches it. With that method he makes his way through all the apples in the bushel basket.
We men are simple, streamlined. Much easier to understand and navigate than the more complex, multifaceted female.
Women tend to focus on the past and the present. What happened in the past affects their emotions in the present because they have amazing recall, especially when it comes to details that happened in relationships. That’s why, gentlemen, women will remember the one time you forgot their birthday, so you better make it your priority not to do so again this year.
Since women use both left and right hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, they tend to think in realistic detail about multiple tasks that need to be done. A woman lives with a continual checklist in her head.
If she’s a stay-at-home mom and wife, over lunch she tends to think, What should I feed my kids for dinner? What she eats is often little bites of what the kids eat, in between meeting their multiple needs. Most of the time she’s used to eating cold leftovers later, in between the kids’ next demands and the calls from her husband, who needs her to pick up something for him when she picks up the kids from school. As she’s driving, she’s ruminating on what’s next on her to-do list: Do the laundry, go jeans shopping with the kid who grew overnight, put gas in the car, buy a brownie mix and ice cream for the neighbors’ get-together . . .
If she’s a wife and mom who works outside the home, she’s considering all of those same to-dos, plus she adds her professional workload to that list of concerns: I have to get that big project done. Maybe if I work a couple of hours every night this week after the kids are in bed . . . No, I’ll see if he could take the kids to the park Saturday afternoon. If so, I could finish right on schedule.
Because women have many plates spinning at once, they are usually more cautious in what they do and take fewer risks. They are all too aware of the toll it will take on their family if they aren’t as available. Yet, since many women are pleasers, they’ll still tend to take on too many projects, because they don’t want to disappoint others by saying no. As a result, many women live with guilt for not being able to “do it all.”
A woman juggles multiple apples, oranges, and bananas—projects of all shapes, sizes, and flavors—simultaneously and manages to catch them before they hit the pavement and splatter. Truly, women are amazing creatures. I admire them and marvel at all they accomplish every day. But that ability doesn’t come without some heavy costs to women personally, especially if the men in their lives are unaware of what they truly do, don’t support them, and don’t show their appreciation.
Use of “I” versus “we” language
From the minute boy babies emerge from the womb, they are primed to be independent. That independent edge only becomes sharper as they grow older.
Stop by a park sometime and listen to little boys and little girls interact on the playground. The boys are flexing their muscles, pushing each other around, wrestling to see who’s stronger, and saying things like, “I’m bigger than you are” and “My daddy will whup your daddy. And I’m gonna whup you.” Girls are playing house, holding hands, giggling, and saying, “What should we do today?” or “We could pretend we’re . . .”
Notice the difference between the language? Males use “I.” Females use “we.” Males are all about getting to the top of the food chain, no matter what it takes. They’re not concerned about feelings or emotions; they’re focused on getting the job done. Females want to relate to others along the way in life; they’re concerned about what others might think of their actions and how they might feel.
It’s not hard to see where clashes might come as the two genders relate to each other, is it?
How much we’re cued in to multisensory information
Because males are more intensely focused and tightly wired, they become bored more quickly. Their left hemisphere moves faster from object to object (they’re not distracted by having both hemispheres moving at the same time, as women are), so they can grasp the full scope of any single project—as well as click the remote control on the television—more rapidly than females. However, it also means they can miss cues or pieces of data along the way, since they take in and sift through far less sensory information than females.
Is it any wonder, then, that males sometimes misinterpret what females say? They haven’t taken the time, as females have, to process both the verbal and physical cues to see if that person really means what she’s saying. Males take words at face value; women look for meaning and cues behind the words.
Our preferred time for sex—morning, night, or . . .
While giving a couples seminar once, I asked, “When do you think men prefer to be intimate with their wives? In the morning? Or in the evening?”
I asked for a show of hands first for morning and then for evening. Interestingly, many of the women raised their hands for evening. The men? They raised their hands for both! When I insisted they pick one, the majority chose morning.
The ladies’ jaws dropped, and they stared at their husbands.
One woman raised her hand again. “Seriously, morning? But that’s the time when I have morning breath, I’m thinking about the million things I have to do to get out the door, and all I want is a shower. And he wants it then?”
“Exactly,” I said. “One flash of your feminine curves as you get out of bed, and he doesn’t want to let you go. Think about it. That’s a pretty big compliment.”
Another woman raised her hand. “We’ve been married for 17 years. You mean he still thinks that every morning?” She lifted one eyebrow and nudged her husband beside her.
I nodded. “Yup. Every morning.”
“Wow,” she said with loud enthusiasm, and the other women laughed. The men in the audience gave me a thumbs-up.
When I asked the women when they preferred to be intimate, the men leaned forward, eager for their answer. All the women’s hands raised for evening. Not a single one said morning.
Now it was the men’s turn to gaze at their wives in shock.
One man, egged on by a couple of men behind him, asked, “So, are you saying that we have to compromise somewhere in the middle, like 3:00 in the afternoon?” He shrugged. “I’d have to take time off work.”
“Well,” I said, “that would be a fun reason for a vacation day, wouldn’t it?”
He grinned. “Yeah, but it would be hard to explain to my boss.”
I continued, “All I’m saying is, change it up. Be intimate sometimes in the morning to please you, and sometimes in the evening to please your wife. But really, any time at all works, including 3:00 in the afternoon. If you decide to go for the morning, why not brush your teeth and take a quick shower so you’re both comfortable and pleasing to each other? Women have sensitive noses and also want to look their best. A few minutes of preparation are good for both of you. Better yet, shower together in your own intimate water park. Mornings are perfect for quickies to draw your hearts together during the day. They don’t have to take long, but you’ll both head out the door smiling.
“If in the evening, the same rules apply, but you might be able to take things more slowly, especially if you don’t have kids, if Grandma has them, or if they’re safely tucked in bed and asleep. Dim the lights and add some candles. Remember, the evening is the woman’s preferred choice, so, men, think romance. I know it doesn’t come naturally, but do it for the sake of your wife. I promise you don’t have to admit you even thought the word romance to your buddies, but your wife will sure appreciate it . . . won’t you, ladies?”
Resounding applause broke out.
Later that night and the next morning, a lot of happy couples discovered a whole new perspective on lovemaking. I knew the principles had worked, because many of the couples showed up late for my first session the next morning, and their clothing was wrinkled and slightly askew. They wore ear-to-ear smiles, many were holding hands, and nearly all were sitting a lot closer to each other than they’d been the previous day.
That made me smile all over.
It would be much easier for both genders to be on the same page if the top three needs of men and women were the same, but they’re not. As you learn about the top needs of each gender in the chapters to come and how those can be met on a daily basis, you two can develop a deep intimacy as both friends and lovers—the kind of sizzling relationship that lasts for a lifetime. Two people can indeed become one—the goal you were shooting for when you said your marriage vows.
Is it easy? No, it’s not. Then again, does anything truly wonderful in any relationship come with a snap of your fingers? However, the journey can certainly be a lot of fun.
There isn’t a day that Sande, my beloved bride of over four decades, and I don’t laugh hilariously over our differences. Not only are we different genders, but she’s a detailed, perfectionistic firstborn, and I’m a happy-go-lucky baby of the family. She likes things lined up in a row and doesn’t like surprises. I enjoy going with the flow and love surprises. The more, the merrier! She’s a play-by-the-rules sort of woman. Me? I like to break the rules . . . or at least invent some new ones.
Sande can also find anything in the refrigerator in two seconds. I’m the one with my head stuck in the fridge door for five minutes, yelling, “Honey, where’s the mustard?” for the umpteenth time this week.
Enter Sandra, alias “Mrs. Uppington” for her classy ways, who sashays in like a queen and announces, “It’s right there. On the second shelf, to the right.” The mustard has never moved from its usual spot, she claims.
“But honey, I still can’t find it,” I spout.
There’s an exaggerated hmmmfft from behind me. Sandra reaches a long, slender, elegant arm around me, moves one item an inch, and voilà! She reveals the once-hidden mustard.
Men, just accept the fact that women will always win at the game of hide-and-seek because of their multitasking nature. We men will continually fail to find objects if they have been moved a quarter centimeter from their original spot. Go ahead and blame that fixation on the fact that you’re only thinking with your left hemisphere at that moment.
But you can certainly enjoy the game of hide-and-seek when you chase your bride into the bedroom. You might even want to give a little Tarzan jungle roar to add to the ambiance of the evening.
Bet you anything your Jane will love it.
Don’t Settle for “Good”—Go “Designer”
In your search for that intimate connection, don’t just go for good. Go for fabulous, sizzling sex with the one you love.
But there’s a catch to getting that kind of sex, and I have to say it up front. The only safe, mutually satisfying sex is between two people committed for a lifetime and within the bounds of marriage. It’s what I call “designer sex.”
Yes, I know some of you could hardly keep your hands off each other before you married. The intensity and thrill of what was to come probably had a lot to do with the fact that it was “forbidden fruit” in your mind at the time, especially if you came from a background where your parents believed sex was for marriage only. However, when you got married, you experienced a big letdown. Your spouse was not the romantic partner you’d experienced earlier, and that has caused dissonance in your relationship. Even more proof, to my thinking, that there’s a reason we’re better off being monogamous.
Sex was created by God Almighty to be something wonderful between a husband and a wife—as a way of becoming one in every possible way and solidifying a lifetime commitment. If you don’t believe me, check out the Song of Solomon in the Bible—the story of two lovers that details intimately what they think of each other. Read it sometime together with your spouse, follow the road map, and I guarantee it’ll heat things up in your bedroom. The fact that God himself is the inventor of passion blows the myth right out the window that sex is dirty or something you don’t talk about. God planned sex not to be merely a little bump in the road but a body, mind, and heart-melding experience of “hang on to the sheets!”
So why would you choose to have only good sex when you could have wow, designer sex?
I know it’s fashionable these days to live together before you get married. In fact, couples tell me all the time, “We’ve been married for five years but have been together for eight.” And teenagers and twentysomethings have told me, “Why would I want a dating partner or sexual partner who is a virgin? I want someone who is experienced, who knows what to do and how to make it feel really good.”
But let me be clear. I believe that God intended sex—the most powerful glue a couple can have—to take place within the safe boundary of marriage. Stepping outside of that safety zone comes with a price tag that you often don’t see until much later in your relationship.
In today’s society of live-in relationships and “easy divorces” (now there’s a misnomer, because no divorce is easy—someone, most often the woman and children, pays the price), that original and pure purpose is often thwarted. The sad and traumatic results are all around us—STDs, children without fathers in the home, teenage girls with a father hunger who fall into sexual relationships, and lonely spouses with workaholic or emotionally absent mates who find themselves in the middle of affairs. And there is little mention of the emotional and psychological effects of that betrayal of trust, and what that does to a person’s relationships both now and in the future. Once you’ve been burned, it’s hard to trust again, isn’t it?
You may be married for the first time. Or this may be your second time up the aisle, or even your third or more. You can’t change the past. There is no do-over in life. But there is a do-it-smarter-this-time. You can choose right now to change your actions in this marriage. By identifying the minefields of the past and evaluating how you stepped into them, you can map the road ahead with positive strategies for growing your marital intimacy.
This relationship deserves your best; your spouse deserves your best. And an important part of that best is developing your sexual relationship until it sings like a finely tuned choir.
In more than four decades of counseling thousands of couples, I can’t think of a single couple who said, “We have a great marriage, but our sex life stinks.” Or, “We have a sizzling sex life, but our marital relationship stinks.” You can’t have one without the other . . . for long, that is. Without sex, your marriage is headed for disaster and affairs. So if you’re the spouse who is reticent about having sex because of trauma you’ve suffered in the past or because you simply prefer couch potato evenings, you should care. Your marriage is on the line. If you don’t provide the warmth, intimacy, and sex your spouse desires, he or she will be tempted to find it elsewhere. But you can affair-proof your marriage.
Designer sex that’s reserved for the safe boundaries of marriage, based on understanding the needs of both husband and wife, and charged with respect for each other is well worth striving for. Great sex isn’t easy; it takes a lifetime to get to know each other’s hearts and to view events through each other’s eyes. I still learn new things from my wife all the time. Those little surprises and our joyful anticipation of walking through them together is what keeps our marriage new and fresh even after four decades.
Have a New Sex Life by Friday is full of surprises—including some basics you should know about sex and your spouse, as well as questions you’ve always wanted to ask but maybe haven’t dared.
In just five days, you’ll have the keys to your spouse’s heart in hand and be able to develop smart strategies about how and when to open that door.
On Monday, we’ll focus on women—why women need sex. Why is sex so integral to a woman’s life? What stops her from desiring sex? And what does she want most of all?
On Tuesday, we’ll focus on men—why men want sex. What do they need the most and want the most in a relationship? And why is foreplay just as important to men as it is to women?
On Wednesday, we’ll talk about who is really in bed with the two of you when you have sex . . . and how to kick those intruders not only out of your bedroom but out of your house for good.
On Thursday, I’ll reveal how you can make love with words, why that is so critical to the health of your marriage, and why words can be the best sexual tool in your marital tool belt.
Friday is “spice things up” day, where you get to plan some fun experiences to bring new zest to your sexual relationship.
The “Ask Dr. Leman” section contains straightforward answers to the hottest questions couples ask about sex and intimacy. You can use them any way you want:
I’m sure you’ll come up with your own ways to use Have a New Sex Life by Friday, so have at it. It’s the kind of book you can read by yourself, but wouldn’t it be more fun to snuggle in bed with your spouse? Reading together will kick off wonderful dialogue and, I hope, a lot of exploration. So read a bit, and then let your fingers do the walking over that wonderful map of your spouse’s body.
In the epilogue, the best night of your life awaits. This is when you jump-start the dead battery, revive the ailing engine, and rev up your sex life to full throttle.
I promise it’ll be fun.
You’ll go to sleep with a smile.
You’ll wake up with a goofy grin.
And you’ll want to do it all over again.