Spice It Up!
Why variety really is the zest in the marital recipe . . . especially when it comes to the bedroom.
Boring in Bed
Q: My husband is a sweet guy, but he is sooo boring in bed. Whatever works one time he does over and over and over. How can I get him to be more experimental?
A: It’s simple. Many men eat the same breakfast every day—myself included—and that doesn’t bother us one bit. But you women? You like variety.
That sweet guy wants to please you but has no clue how to do it. If something worked one time, he thinks, Oh, hey, she liked that, so I’ll always do it. All he needs is some creative suggestions from you. Whisper in his ear, “Hey, honey, I’ve got an idea of something we can do right now . . . something new I’d like to try.” A little swivel of your hips, a crooked finger, and he’ll get the message. One “come hither” look is enough to get any red-blooded male ready and willing to try anything different. He just may need you to come up with some options. And when he sees you like different things at different times, don’t be surprised if your lover comes up with some ideas of his own.
Masturbation—Okay or Not?
Q: Is it okay to masturbate, or not? I’m in the mood a lot more than my spouse, who has a much lower energy level. Sometimes I really need sexual release. What should I do during those times?
A: Let me tell you a story. A woman called me once. She was panicking because she’d caught her husband masturbating in the shower. “Dr. Leman, what do I do?” she asked. “He’s a sexual pervert.”
I told her that 90 percent of men masturbate. The other 10 percent are lying. And a lot of women also masturbate. I said, “You know how I’d handle that situation if I were a woman? I’d strip right in front of my husband and say, ‘Honey, can I be of service to you?’”
Frankly, there are times when you or your spouse may need to receive loving expressions manually. Can we talk turkey? It’s called a hand job, and it’s very permissible and pleasurable for both of you.
There are also times when you just want a quickie. A little something to tide you over until you can engage in a longer period of cuddling and sex. Sometimes the wife needs it; sometimes the husband needs it. The goal is to satisfy each other when you’re too pooped to whoop or you simply don’t have the time.
Spouses will have differing energy levels and expectations when it comes to the frequency of sex and what kind of sex. This is especially true when one of the spouses is going through a difficult time, whether emotionally or physically. Yes, masturbation will take care of physical release when you’re keyed up. But it won’t satisfy the craving you have for the warmth and intimacy of the sexual experience within marriage. It never can, since masturbation is something you do by yourself, with yourself. And no, you won’t go senile. You won’t get dementia. You won’t go blind. Hair won’t grow between your fingers. All those are flat-out lies.
A person is not simply a sexual organ. You have a heart, emotions, a sexual drive, and an imagination. The imagination is where things get tricky. When real people become connected to the act of masturbation, then it becomes a major problem because it confuses relationships and puts a focus on aspects of sex that may never be satisfied. If you are thinking of your spouse when you masturbate, your sexual drive is staying between you and your spouse. However, as you masturbate, the need to do it more and to do it differently will kick in. You will find yourself imagining doing things sexually that your spouse may be uncomfortable doing with you. Or you may begin fantasizing someone else doing those things to you, and then you commit emotional adultery.
So here’s what I’d suggest. Talk with your spouse before you’ve reached a point where you feel like you’re going to explode sexually if you don’t masturbate. Be honest about your desire for more sex. Say, “Honey, could we come up with some options together for when I feel like that? I love you so much, and what you need and want is important to me.” By doing that, you open the door for discussion. Your spouse should be willing to push himself or herself a bit to offer more frequent sex. If that doesn’t work, try other options. Have your spouse bring you to a climax by stroking and rubbing your genitals. That way he or she isn’t breaking a sweat, but you’re getting the release you desperately need . . . with your spouse right by your side.
The truth is, we’re sexual people, and in marriage there are different strokes for different folks. Don’t masturbate alone. Tell your spouse your needs, and when she doesn’t feel like going all the way, the reliable old hand job can do the trick.
Orgasms—One or Multiple?
Q: My husband read somewhere that women can have multiple orgasms, and he’s trying to make it happen for me. But honestly, I’m happy with one. Attempting to make more happen is too much. Sometimes it’s even painful because the areas he touches are sensitive. How can I explain to him that one orgasm is enough?
A: It’s not surprising your husband is competitive. Men are competitive. But in this case, he’s playing marital Whac-A-Mole. Your husband is thinking, Well, if it’s possible to bring her more pleasure, I’m sure going to do it. His driven nature has kicked in, and that man of yours wants to provide you with the best in all areas of life, including lovemaking. Well, good for him.
Some women love having multiple orgasms in any lovemaking session. Others may not be able to have them, feel that more than one is too intense or painful (as it is for you), or decide simply that they don’t want more than one. What you’re seeking is the basking in the afterglow of one orgasm and relaxing with your husband, feeling the closeness and relationship. So tell him that. Affirm his superior lovemaking skills in bringing you to a climax. What’s important is that you are both happy and satisfied in what you’re doing together—regardless of what some online or magazine “expert” says.
But you have to be straightforward with your husband. Otherwise he’s going to keep trying to give you what he’s been told is a better, sexier experience—you having multiple orgasms. If that guy says he can cause his wife to have multiple orgasms, I can too, your husband is thinking. So gently correct his thinking, tell him he’s all the man you’ll ever need, and lead him by the hand to your bedroom to show him just that.
Squeezing In the Time
Q: How can a couple have an exciting sex life when their lives are so busy? Between work, the kids, and the plumbing leaks, my wife and I barely have time to squeeze in an “I love you,” much less anything else. Ideas?
A: Let me ask you: When was the last time you surprised your wife, took her someplace special, and made all the arrangements? When was the last time you gave her a card or sent her a tender text—from your heart to hers? Have you ever used a bar of soap to make a big heart on the bathroom mirror, with “I love you” written inside it? Do you tell her every night one thing that you appreciate about her?
Love isn’t just a tingly, euphoric feeling you drum up when you have time in your schedule. It’s the small, daily actions that go on until you get your picture in the paper, looking all wrinkly like a raisin, as you celebrate your fiftieth wedding anniversary.
I’ve been right there in the trenches with you, especially when my kids were young. Life is busy. It’s hard to find time for each other. That’s why you have to work hard to prioritize sex and marital intimacy.
Take your bride on an overnighter. Do something exciting. Send an email that says, Great news! I’ve arranged for the kids to be gone tonight to Grandma and Grandpa’s. And I have some special hors d’oeuvres planned for both you and me to wear. See you right after work.
That wife of yours might have a terrible headache from a teething baby or an emotional adolescent. But that email will make her smile all day and put her in the mood to want you to hurry home. That’s what sex ought to be—something to anticipate. All it takes is a little thought and planning and a few kind words.
So make time for marital intimacy. Get a babysitter or swap with another couple, and go out. Even spend a few bucks on a hotel sometimes. You spend money on other things, like Netflix, right? Then why not invest some money every month on your spouse? Believe me, it will pay better dividends than Netflix.
Nonsexual Touch, Foreplay, Sex—What’s What?
Q: I read somewhere that there’s a difference between nonsexual touch, foreplay, and sex, and that all three are important—especially to a woman. But I’m not quite sure what the difference is. I’ve always thought of sex as kind of an “all or nothing” experience. Could you help me out?
A: You bet, and good for you for asking. I appreciate inquiring minds.
Nonsexual touch is all the little gestures you do for your wife during the day—kissing her when you leave for work, caressing her cheek, rubbing the small of her back, and massaging her feet at night—that make deposits in her love bank. This is the type of touch that tells her, “You’re special.” It’s not a means to an end—having sex with her.
Foreplay is the sensual stroking, the touch, that leads to sexual play and climax. It is a means to an end—the act of having sex.
Sex is the physical act of intercourse or oral sex—genital to genital or mouth to genital.
In order to feel ready for foreplay and desire the culmination in the act of sex, a woman needs lots of nonsexual touch during the day. That leads her to feel secure that you love her and have eyes only for her. Then when you move close to her and start the foreplay, she thinks, Wow, what an incredible man I married. Just today he . . . and she flashes back to the sweet ways you showed you cared for her.
It’s All about the Presentation
Q: My wife and I used to have great sex, and a lot of it. But we’ve slowed down recently now that we’ve been married a year. The other day, when I was reaching for her in the kitchen, she turned toward me and said, “Nuh-uh, not until you take a shower.” She’s never told me that before. In the past we’ve made love even after I came in the door sweaty after playing basketball. Am I losing my touch? Is she getting too fussy? Or what?
A: There’s a simple fix. Go take a shower. Then go back and engage that wife of yours in some hot sex that will require you both to take another shower . . . together.
During your first year of marriage, when hormones often run high, you were ready to jump in the sack at any time. Now, to get the juices stirring, your wife is making a simple request.
A simple request, yes, but strategically important. She might have put up with your sweaty body for the first year, but the enticement of dealing with that sticky and maybe aromatic sweat may be wearing a little thin.
You see, to women, presentation is everything. For example, you may not mind eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. You don’t even mind if the sandwich is squished inside the plastic bag and the bag is sticky with jelly. It’s food and all good. You don’t care what it looks like, as long as it fills your belly. But your wife? If she takes a look at that sandwich with the jelly oozing out, she’s likely to wrinkle her nose and, with thumb and forefinger pinched on the bag, give it the toss-ola into the trash. The presentation is no longer pretty, and thus it doesn’t look interesting to her. She’d rather go hungry than eat something that doesn’t attract her eye.
Just about anyone can biologically perform the act of sexual intercourse, just as anyone can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But if you want a gourmet meal with beautiful presentation, you need to find a chef. A good sexual “chef” does the same thing.
A loving husband cares about the presentation because his wife does. To truly engage your wife’s senses, you need to be fresh smelling, tender, romantic, and experimental. That means you move from the peanut butter and jelly sandwich sexual experience to the gourmet dinner experience, complete with beautiful colors arranged tastefully on the plate. And because it’s so pleasing to your wife’s eye, what a difference there is in taste to her!
So let me ask you, is your presentation beautiful and exciting? Do you dim the lights, put a chocolate or a rose on her pillow, take a shower so you smell fresh? Such gestures mean everything to women.
Taking a shower is a small thing—a little water, soap, a minute of your time. But it’ll change your body from a squished peanut butter and jelly sandwich into a gourmet plate for your wife to sample.
I guarantee it’ll be worth all the effort you give it, Mr. Gourmet Chef.
ASAP Sex
Q: After we had sex, the next day I noticed my wife had a bruise . . . caused by me. I felt really bad, because I knew I’d hurt her. I’m a tough guy who had to fight my way through childhood for survival, but I don’t ever want to treat my wife roughly. How can I control myself even in the height of passion? And what do I tell her?
A: The first thing you can do for both of you is to take a look at your attitude toward your wife and toward sex in general. Do you see her as someone to conquer, like the people you had to fight in childhood? Or do you see her as the delicate flower she is, who deserves to be treated like a queen by you? Do you see sex as merely a release of physical tension and something you deserve—something your wife should do for you?
There’s no excuse for treating a woman roughly—ever. For a woman to feel loved, secure, and protected, sex needs to happen ASAP: as slow as possible. You might be ready to go the second you hear the shower running and think about her naked. But a woman is like a delicate orchid that has to be cultivated, watered, and handled very carefully. Her clitoris has to be touched ever so softly. She needs to be stroked all over gently to reach a point where she wants to be joined with you.
Even more, she’s not mechanical like you. What she likes on Saturday she won’t like on Tuesday. You’re logical—do A, then B, and you get C. She’s mysterious—you have to figure her out. Then again, that’s what attracted you to her in the first place, right?
She was drawn to your masculinity, your strength. But that strength always needs to be shielded in gentleness and control with your wife.
Like orchids need the right mix of water and light, she needs affection and communication from you. She needs to be embraced by you nonsexually first, then slowly drawn toward the act of sex. If you gently bring her along toward that climax, she’ll come to a place where she says, “Oh, don’t stop! Keep going!” Then all of a sudden she’s a cheerleader in the experience.
For a woman to fully enjoy sex and come to a powerful orgasm, she needs a gentle leader—a man who exerts control over himself, as much as he’s physically craving the culmination and release of ejaculation. There’s a time for a bit more pressure on certain body parts, but never roughness. She’s a rare orchid—if you touch her too hard, you’ll bruise her petals.
Try this. Enter lovemaking with the attitude of I want to please my wife. Go as far as she wants to go. Only as deep as she wants to go. Explore ways to touch her that will make her groan in pleasure. If you do, both of you will have a powerful sexual experience.
As for what to do next? Go to your wife and say humbly, “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry I got carried away and caused that bruise. I never want to hurt you in that way again.” Talk about what you’d like to do differently next time to safeguard against that.
Then practice it next time ASAP—as slow as possible. Be a good lover, a slow lover, a gentle lover.
Anal Sex—Okay or Not?
Q: I’m just wondering, is anal sex okay? I’ve read about it as an option for couples to experiment with, and my husband would like for us to try it. I’m not sure. What do you think?
A: In regards to experimenting with sex as a married couple, there are very few places where I’ll draw the line. But I do draw the line at anal sex. Anal sex, to put it bluntly, is not only wrong; it’s also not good for you physically or emotionally. The rectum was not designed by God Almighty to be used in such a manner, and infection and tears in delicate places can happen as a result.
This is one time where you need to give your husband a flat-out no. “No, I don’t want to do that. I’m not comfortable with it.” If he presses again, ask, “Why is engaging in anal sex so interesting and important to you? Are there other sexual things you’d like to try that we haven’t discussed?”
You might find out that your husband has a few perverted ideas about sex. If so, ask him where he got those ideas. Did he secretly explore sexual stimulation because he grew up in a rigid environment—a home where sex was something that was nasty, dirty, and not discussed? Or was he sexually abused as a child in any way—either by the same sex or the opposite sex—or introduced to pornography? Does he think that the only things that make sex pleasurable are encounters where they feel nasty and dirty?
Why is he not interested in “normal sex”—stroking, fondling, intercourse, oral sex, etc.? Those are key questions.
Most of all, it would be a shame to turn what God Almighty created as the most intense, exciting act in marriage into something mentally and emotionally deplorable and also physically harmful. So I beg you, don’t go there.
How to Fix Boring Sex
Q: Sex isn’t as exciting as it used to be. I’m not as turned on by my wife as I used to be, and from the lack of initiation on her side, I’m certain she feels the same way. I want us to get those old feelings back, but is that possible once you’ve been married awhile? Or should we just accept things the way they are? Every Saturday night we watch a movie, make love, and then fall asleep. It’s kind of what we do on Saturdays. We jokingly refer to it as our “sex day.” But sex has lost all spontaneity. Any suggestions to make things more exciting?
A: It’s great you make love every Saturday night. A lot of couples would be grateful to step into your shoes and know that they have Saturday night every week by themselves.
But you definitely have to address the routine, boring part of it. Shake things up a little. Have you tried quickies during the week, whenever you can fit them in? Then you can make Saturday the night you take it slow and really enjoy yourself.
If the movie is lulling you into boredom, strip to your underwear and have your wife sit on your lap on that couch. Snuggle under a blanket and start stroking each other. I guarantee you won’t make it past a few scenes before you’re ripping that underwear off and going for it. You won’t even care you missed the rest of the movie.
Or skip the movie altogether. Cook dinner together naked and see what happens. Get in the tub and explore each other’s bodies underwater. All it takes is a little creativity to spice things up.
I’m sure you can come up with more ideas once you get started.
Sexual Fantasies
Q: I find myself having sexual fantasies all the time. Is that normal, or do I need some psychiatric help?
A: If you have sexual fantasies, your sexual drive may be very high—higher than your spouse’s. That means you may not be getting sex as much as you’d like to in your marriage. There’s nothing wrong with sexual fantasies if:
It’s when sexual fantasies step outside those very important points that problems occur. It’s a red flag if you daydream of having sex with someone else, or you dream of having dangerous sex (such as anal sex) to spice things up.
If you need more sex with your spouse and more variety, talk with him or her. Share your needs and your fantasies. See what you can come up with together. Who knows? Your sexual fantasy might end up being your spouse’s favorite kind of sex. Why not experiment and try it out?
Oral Sex—Okay or Not?
Q: I’d really like to try oral sex. The idea excites me, because I like to try new things. But my husband isn’t comfortable with it. He likes sex “the good, old-fashioned way,” he says. “The one way God intended it.” To my husband, that means the same way every time. No variety. I crave variety, exploring new things. Is oral sex okay or not?
A: Is oral sex okay? Are you kidding me? It’s great! However, here’s the bad news. It’s not great if your spouse doesn’t agree. Is it permissible? Yes. But love never demands its own way. It will only work for you if you and your husband are comfortable experimenting with it. For many people, it’s an acquired taste (and yes, I did mean that pun). I know because people tell me about it, and they range from newlyweds to those celebrating their thirtieth anniversary.
If you still want to explore the idea, ask your husband if he would be willing for you to try it on him one time, just as an experiment. Assure him you don’t expect him to try it out on you. You will honor his wishes.
After that man of yours gets a little taste of what your mouth feels like on his penis, he might just change his tune as he orbits to Jupiter and Mars a bit before crashing back down to earth. At his heart, your lover wants to please you—he wants to see you writhe in excitement. After your little rendezvous, he might think, Hmm, if I tried oral sex on her, I wonder how she’d respond. And he’s off and running with the seed planted for a later lovemaking session.
When he does awkwardly try oral sex for the first time, just watch him pat himself on the back psychologically. Well, would you look at that? I did that to her—yeah, I did. Just call me “stud.” Once couples try out oral sex, many of them are surprised. Even the most reticent of spouses can find oral sex an exciting alternative to spice things up in the bedroom.
Try it with your guy and see.
From Robot Sex to Wow Sex
Q: I’m a logical, methodical guy. I love it when things are predictable and you can do them step-by-step. Most of the time that works well for me, but my wife of 12 years told me last week that having sex with me is like having sex with a robot. Ouch. I had no idea she felt that way. She said she didn’t want to hurt my feelings or she’d have told me earlier. I wish she would have. I’m a problem solver. I like to figure things out and get them right. Well, now I want to get making love to my wife right. Problem is, I don’t know where to start. Help me out?
A: Most of us guys are logical and methodical. We think sex is like a football playbook. You do this, then this, and get that result. But with women, who like variety and change emotions faster than you change your underwear, doing things step-by-step isn’t the formula to success. The most important thing is that you get behind her eyes to see how she views life. What kind of day has she had? Would she like a foot rub or a back rub instead of sex? Would she like a little more foreplay before you go for the goal?
If I said to your bride, “Hey, tell me what your sex life is like with your husband,” would she say you’re predictable? “Well . . . he always starts here, does this, and ends up there.”
Now that’s exciting. If I were a woman, I’d be looking forward to that too—knowing exactly what was going to happen and when.
Let me ask you something. After you watch a football game, would you want to watch that same game over and over and over, four or five times a week, knowing exactly what every play would be? What every player would do? Who made the final touchdown to win the game?
I doubt it. After a while you’d be asleep in that easy chair.
That’s what’s happening in your sex life. Knowing what’s going to happen has lulled your wife to sleep. Yes, she’s there with you, but using a sexual playbook of rules will never excite her.
She wants to feel loved. She wants to experience new things with you when you have sex.
So tuck away that playbook. The next time you have sex, start touching her in a completely different area than you usually do. Watch your wife perk up, shiver, and open her eyes wide. Stroke her all over her body. Even better, let her guide your hands, and let them roam.
If you do that, your robot days are over. Not only will you get excited about trying new things because you’ll see your wife’s response, but she’ll realize you’re up for some variety and will try ideas of her own too.
It takes two to create sizzling sex—to go from robot sex to wow sex. So what are you waiting for?