“What do you mean?” I asked in a tiny voice. I shivered, cold and afraid, and huddled in on myself, struggling to get the words out to stop him saying what he was about to say. I wanted to go back and undo this whole conversation, rewrite history so that when we pulled up I had the sense to sit there with my mouth shut while William hopped out and came around the car, as usual, to open the door for me. But there aren’t any do-overs, are there?
“If you try riding Jinx before your hands are better, I’ll tell your Mum about the falls. I’ll tell her why.”
“You wouldn’t.” I swallowed. It was bitter with anxiety and betrayal.
“I would,” he said grimly. “I don’t want to, but don’t think I’ll let that stop me from doing the right thing if you won’t do it yourself.”
“Even if I hate you for it?”
William caught his breath, as though I’d hurt him.
“I’d rather have you alive and hating me than be going to your funeral knowing I stood by and let you get killed.”
“But you don’t know anything will happen! I’m fine! I fell off, so what, people fall off horses all the time. It’s a risky sport.”
“That’s no reason to take stupid risks. Most people don’t ride a horse they can’t control. They won’t choose to get on a horse they can’t stop. Most people don’t ride when they can barely hold the reins. Wake up, Melissa, this is one stupid dressage competition. There’ll be others. You only get one life.”
“Stop saying I’m stupid,” I said, more tears threatening to close off my throat. “I’m not stupid and my dreams are not stupid. How can you say this?”
You can’t love me and say this, I thought. But of course I couldn’t say that.
“I don’t think you’re stupid, I didn’t say that. But riding when you know you can’t use your hands is stupid. Stupid and dangerous. Of course you aren’t stupid, but that just makes it even more un-fucking-believable to me that you insist on doing something so reckless. William’s face was slowly changing from white to red as anger started showing in the taut lines of his neck and the rasping tones of his voice. I’d hardly ever heard him drop the f-bomb in all the years I’d known him and my stomach went a little hollow at hearing him swear like that. He must be pretty upset. But so was I.
“I have to do this, can’t you understand how important this is to me?”
“More important than your life?”
“Don’t be such a drama queen.”
“How close did you come to breaking your neck or scrambling your brain today? Are you really going to sit here after we’ve just come back from hours of neuro-tests at the hospital and tell me you’re not putting your life on the line?”
I sat and glowered, another tiny shiver rippling my skin at how close he’d come to the same thoughts I’d had earlier.
“I’d already decided to be more careful,” I said truthfully.
“How? Are you going to get someone else to sort him out while you give your hands a chance to get better?”
“I—no, I was going to lunge him. And I wasn’t going to ride him past the goats or anything.”
“Yeah, because lunging the guts out of him worked so well this week.”
I bit my lip, stung by the unexpected sarcasm, and regretted confiding my training strategies to William while we sat in the waiting room at the hospital.
“I overdid it, but I’ll judge it better this time.”
William reached over and slid his hand around my wrist. He lifted my arm up and pointed at the angry swollen joints of my fingers.
“And how is all that tacking up and grooming going to give these a chance to rest? What’s your answer for that? More pills?”
I clenched my jaw and looked out the window rather than look at William’s almost accusatory stare and definitely anywhere rather than the aching, distorted evidence that my hands weren’t in a good shape for anything, let alone riding.
“I’ll think of something,” I muttered. “I always do.”
“Don’t ride until you’re better. Please.”
He changed his grip, cradling my wrist as though it was precious, his fingers stroking the skin.
“I have to, Will. I have to do this.”
William’s eyes flared a brighter blue.
“Don’t you care about anything besides that squad?”
“No,” I said unthinkingly and could have bitten my tongue off as I saw William’s face go white.
“I didn’t mean it like that William, of course I care about you, I always—”
“Never mind,” he said and turning his shoulder to me, opened his door. He hauled his long frame out of the ute and slammed the door shut, making me wince. I watched him anxiously as he came around to my door and I was still fumbling for something to say to put it right when he helped me out of the car and slammed the door closed behind me.
“William, I—”
“Don’t talk for once, just listen. You might not care about yourself, but I do. So much that I don’t actually care what I have to do to keep you safe. If you ride Jinx in the next three weeks I’ll tell your parents that your hands are bad. And don’t think I won’t know—Gary and Brendan will tell me if I ask them.”
“You wouldn’t really tell,” I said doubtfully. It went against everything I believed to go running with tales to someone’s parents and I didn’t think William was any different.
“I don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. Like I said, small price to pay to save you from your own stupidity. And yes, you are stupid. There, are you happy now?”
“No! I can’t believe you’d do this to me. I can’t believe you don’t understand that this will ruin everything.”
“It already has. I can’t believe you don’t get that.”
I stood speechless at last as he walked away from me and opened the driver’s door of his ute.
“Get Tash to ride Jinx and you stick to the pool. If in three weeks I can confirm that with Gary then maybe you’ll be able to go to your precious dressage competition after all. Oh and don’t count on your secret pill stash because you won’t find it there anymore. I noticed you have to ask your Dad for them these days and now I know why. Maybe having to go without them will make you admit just how bad your hands are.”
And with that he got into his car and drove away, leaving me standing there shaking from a mixture of anger, regret and most of all, fear.
I’d just been insulted, bullied and blackmailed. My boyfriend had just basically said he cared more about me than anything in the world, even as he’d betrayed me in the worst possible way by threatening to ruin my dream. And worst of all, although he hadn’t come right out and said it, I had a horrible suspicion he wasn’t actually my boyfriend any more.