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Before Cameron and I had a chance to plan out our next steps as a family, our oldest daughter Sophia took off in the middle of the night. We woke in the morning to a note saying she had gone out and that we shouldn’t worry, she’d be in touch with us soon.
When she finally called several hours later, she was sobbing and apologetic. She told us she was near my hometown in Klamath Falls, Oregon. Sophia had already crossed the state line. Some boy she met on her visit to my mom’s place over summer vacation had stolen down to San Diego to pick her up and drive her there.
After a whole lot of handwringing and argument, we all agreed she would finish the drive North and stay the night with her Grandma Marla. Cameron would leave immediately to fetch her while I stayed home with Savanna and Gavin.
The following morning, as I awaited their return, I went back to scrubbing the floor tiles like they were covered in black tar, going over each one with a diamond cutter’s precision. If I could just focus on what I could control, the rest of my life would fall into place.
I had taken our dog on a quick walk earlier and overhead Marina the Gossip chattering to Beth the Spazz. Word of Sophia’s disappearing act had already spread like a bad virus. Marina told Beth it was my fault Sophia left.
“She’s jealous of her daughter. It’s no wonder Sophia ran away. Samantha always insults her and acts like they’re in some sort of competition for Cameron’s attention. It’s so sad.”
I couldn’t shake the hissing sound of Marina’s whispered words. What did she know.
Truth be told, she was probably jealous of me. Marina, with her kinky blonde hair and sagging face. She had lost and gained and lost again, at least thirty pounds since she moved to Kingston Court five years ago, and her husband was constantly checking me out and offering me free bottles of wine from the chain of discount liquor stores he owned. Not to mention, I knew one of her sons had a recent run in with law for selling pot and prescription pills to his high school buddies. She wished she had it as good as me.
When my cell phone rang, I set down the toothbrush and slid my finger across the answer screen.
“Hey, it’s Cameron. We’re getting ready to pull off the freeway. We should be there in about ten to fifteen minutes.”
“How is she?” I asked.
“She’s nervous. She’s worried about how you’ll react. We talked a lot on the ride home.”
“Did she tell you what happened exactly?” I asked, sensing he was holding out on me.
Cameron breathed into the phone. “Just what I told you already. As soon as she crossed the California border, Sophia realized what a big mistake she made and asked the boy... what’s his name Sophia?” I heard my daughter’s voice in the background. “Trevor. Yeah, she asked Trevor to drop her off at your mom’s.”
I gripped the phone tighter than necessary. “Do you think she already knows about your affair?” I figured that was the real reason she took off. She must have sensed Cameron was cheating and lying to us all.
“No, Sam, nothing like that.”
I didn’t believe him. “Okay, well, I’ll let you concentrate on the road. Jess is watching Gavin and Savanna for me, so we can all talk when you get here.”
“See you in a few minutes.” Cameron clicked off the phone.
I began to pace. Up and down the hallway, back and forth, past the picture window showcasing the Jacaranda tree, its branches barren after shedding vibrant violet-blue flowers earlier in the season. I threw my hair up in a French twist, then took it down again. Why was Sophia nervous about my reaction? Shouldn’t a girl who just ran away with a boy be more worried about her father? Feeling claustrophobic in my grimy yoga pants, I ran up the stairs and changed clothes.
Cameron’s car alarm beeped. Our little ten pound Jack Russell barked and began dancing on her hind legs as Cameron and Sophia walked through the door. My daughter hid behind her long blonde hair, setting down her bags and scooping up the squiggling, squealing dog. “Hey Darby. How are you baby girl? Did you miss me dog friend?” Darby screeched with glee and broke free of Sophia’s grasp. She landed on all fours and shot out of the room. Two seconds later she raced back toward Sophia, her nails clacking and digging for traction against the slick gleaming tiles I’d just scrubbed clean.
I stood in front of my daughter, moving aside the dog. “Sophia, am I going to get a hug?”
She hung her head lower, her hair covering her blue eyes, and walked into my open arms.
“I was so worried.” Tears slipped down my cheeks. “What if something terrible happened to you?”
“I know,” her voice cracked. “I was scared, too. It was stupid.”
I hugged her tighter, inhaling the familiar scent of her favorite vanilla-jasmine body lotion. “Why Sophia? What were you thinking?”
“I don’t know. Trevor called me about a few days ago and thought it would be fun to hang out over Labor Day Weekend. It was his idea. I said no at first, but then I thought, why not?”
“How about because you would scare the life out of your mother and father? Because it wasn’t safe? God knows what could have happened to you.”
“I knew it would piss you off. I guess that’s part of the reason, too.”
The hairs on my arms stood stiff. “What?” I asked, trying to ignore those aggravating neighbor women’s voices rattling in my head.
“I don’t know. But, I can’t always be perfect. I’m not you.”
I released my grip on her. There was no way this could be my fault. I was a good mother. “What are you talking about?”
Sophia scowled in Cameron’s direction. “I told you she wouldn’t understand.”
“Understand what?” I glared at my traitor husband, feeling thrown off balance once again. “Were you talking about me on the drive down? Did you let her think this was all okay, just some teenage rebellion against her cruel and unreasonable mother?” Cameron shook his head in response. “Absolutely not. She knows she’s the one responsible for her poor choices. I took away her—”
“What did she mean when she said I wouldn’t understand?” Crossing my arms across my chest, I looked back to Sophia. I had dedicated the last sixteen years of my life to my daughter. Why was she turning on me? “Sophia? Answer the question.”
She ignored me, walking over to the staircase and collapsing onto the stairs with a level of drama only a teenage girl could muster. I watched her plant her face atop her crossed arms.
“Sophia?”
“What?” She raised her head, her eyes shrouded in her thick mane of hair.
“What wouldn’t I understand?”
She wiped wet tears onto the limp sleeve of her oversized sweatshirt. “That I’m tired of you treating me like I’m your project. Like you know best about everything.”
My head jerked back in hurt and surprise. “What are you talking about? I don’t do anything more than give you good advice.”
“Advice on how to be just like you.”
“Who would you rather be like? The Klamath Falls boy you ran away with? A boy who will probably be lucky to graduate high school. Is that a better role model for you?”
“No,” she wailed, losing all of her self-control. “I just want to be myself.”
“I’m the adult.” I fought to restrain the sharp edge in my voice. My daughter and husband were ganging up on me, and I didn’t deserve it. “It’s my job to guide you.”
“It’s not your job to dictate my every move. I’m not two years old anymore.”
“Really? You’re balled up on the floor crying and throwing a temper tantrum because you ran away from your mommy. Sounds like two-year-old behavior to me.”
Sophia pushed all the hair out of her face and looked directly at me. Her gorgeous eyes, cold and uncaring. “I really hate you right now.”
“Samantha,” Cameron stepped inside my personal space and put his hand on my arm as if to stop me from lunging at our daughter. “Let’s not make this worse. Sophia is sorry. She knows she made a mistake. She also has some concerns about her relationship with you that may or may not be valid.”
I scowled at Cameron, wishing he would dissolve into a puddle of nothingness. “So this is all about me? You’re on her side and this is all my fault?”
He let his hand fall off my arm. “Of course not. I’m not on anybody’s side. There are no sides. We’re a family.” He paused and looked over at Sophia. “I think it’d be best if the two of you sat down with a therapist in a neutral environment and discussed this.”
The heat pulsating through my chest and arms was going to boil me alive. I could not believe we were having this conversation. Why wasn’t Cameron standing up for me? Why wasn’t he the bad guy in all of this? He was the liar and the cheater. He was the one putting our family in jeopardy. “Our sixteen-year-old daughter runs away from home, and you want me to see a shrink?”
“Sophia feels disconnected from you, and I know for a fact that your children are more important to you than anything in this world. Sometimes talking to a neutral third party can help.” He looked back at our daughter who lay curled up in the fetal position like a dead martyr. Darby licked at her face and nuzzled her neck. “This isn’t the end of the world. Sophia made a very poor choice and she’s going to suffer the consequences. She already knows she is grounded for the next month. No driving, no phone, and no computers unless it’s for school work.”
Sophia lifted her head from the stairs. “Can I go to my room?”
“Go.” I rubbed at the new tears welling in my eyes.
Sophia kept her face turned away from me as she took the steps in slow motion, moving as if she were filled with wet sand. Darby trailed behind her, like my daughter needed protection. I watched them both climb the carpeted stairs and disappear into the hallway.
Old hurts clawed beneath the surface, thrashing to act out. I remembered a quote from my favorite college professor, Dr. Romeo, That which cannot be rationalized must be expressed. I couldn’t handle much more rejection.
“Thanks a lot Cameron. You totally fuck us over and now I’m the bad guy? You’re making me look like the asshole? Thanks for absolutely nothing.”