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Cameron skipped work the following day and brewed coffee for us while I dropped the kids off at school.
When I came home, he offered me a steaming mug. I inhaled its rich scent of chocolatey undertones before setting it down on the kitchen counter.
“So when are you leaving us?” I asked, trying to sound matter-of-fact, hoping he would say he didn’t want to go.
Cameron raised his eyebrows at me. “That was blunt.”
“Well, no point beating around the bush.” I smiled. “Pun intended.”
“I don’t want to leave. I love you. Besides, this probably isn’t the best time right now after everything that happened with Sophia.”
“Sophia already said she was sorry this morning before I dropped her off. If you want to stay, do it for all of us, not just Sophia.”
He hesitated before speaking. “I could do that.”
“But you don’t want to keep up the charade. Not to mention, you have David.” It was more of a question then a statement. I wanted him to fight for us, tell me our family was more important to him than dating men.
“I told you I wasn’t seeing him anymore. Besides, David’s a nice guy, but I was never in love.” Cameron sighed, taking a sip of his coffee. “What would you like to happen?”
I pushed my fingers into my thighs, wanting to make this all stop. “Well, I don’t know Cameron.” I could hear the harsh edge in my voice creeping in despite my best effort to remain indifferent. “Do you want to stay here with us and continue to see David or whoever on the side? Would you rather pack your bags and get your own place? What is it that you want?”
“I want it all.”
“Me too.” I shot him a dirty look.
Cameron ran a hand through the layers of his tousled brown hair. “I think I’m ready to accept the consequences and live my life in honesty. So really it’s whatever you want. I found an apartment. I can stay here or we can tell the kids we’re separating for a while, and I can move into the new place. It’s only five minutes from here. We could ease them into things if you want to do it that way.”
“You just got back home. When did you find time to look for an apartment?”
“I drove by the complex on my drive back from Oregon, they have a Live Here sign up. I’ve been over there before so I know it’s a nice place, and you can’t beat the location. It’s just an option Sam. I’ll do whatever you want.”
“So you want me to decide?” I asked, frustrated with his refusal to make a decision. Why did I have to choose between giving him permission to slink off or asking him to stay? If he wanted to leave us, couldn’t he be the one to pull the trigger?
“I want you to know Sam, if we separate, you can live in this house for as long as my parents will allow it.”
“Of course I’ll stay in the house. And why would your parents kick us out? I’m raising their grandchildren.” I felt my neck turning red. After losing Cameron, my biggest fear was giving up my home, a home that did not technically belong to us. I loved it here. “Why would you even say that? Don’t I have enough stress right now?”
“I just wanted to make that clear, in case you were worried. Plus, I’ll continue to fully support you and the kids. I’m not abandoning any of you.”
Tears broke. So he really did want to leave. “I’m not ready Cameron. I don’t want you to go.”
“Then I’ll stay.” He rubbed my lower back. “We can work on your timeline.”
We sat and drank our coffee, taking careful, considered sips. Cameron studied the house as if he had forgotten what our place looked like. “Hey Sam, the floors look different. Did you have them professionally cleaned?”
An unexpected wave of rage filled my body. I picked up my mug and slammed it back onto the counter, watching the coffee slosh down the side. Brown streaks trailed across pristine white.
“Jesus, Samantha.”
“Fuck you Cameron. Fuck you for doing this to me and to our children. You know what?” I pounded my fist on the countertop. “Fuck the timeline too. Here’s what I want. I want you to stay here. I want you to take care of the kids and come up with a story, while I leave town for a while.” My body surged with confidence. I was in charge again. Not Cameron.
“Where will you go?”
“To my mother’s. I was supposed to fly out there in October anyway. Remember? You promised to switch your work schedule around to give me a couple of days to watch over her while she has her hysterectomy. I’ll just extend my trip a little longer.”
“That’s a whole month away. Don’t you want to stay here and work on things with Sophia first?”
I stood up from the chair and put my hands on my hips. “No. Sophia and I can talk tonight and then again when I get home. I’ll fly out tomorrow after the kids are in school. I need to get away from this, to think, to figure things out. While I’m gone, you can decide how to handle the kids. This is your mess, Cameron. You clean it up.”
I only hoped I wouldn’t make things worse for myself back home in Klamath Falls. My skin crawled, I was itching for trouble, something to distract me from my pain.