| |
––––––––
Elizabeth came home in the late afternoon with news that sent me reeling.
As I washed the dishes, she told me Mark hit a rough spot in rehab. She took a seat on the couch while I rubbed hot soapy water over our dirty cups and plates.
“Mark said it might be a good idea to transfer him to a facility somewhere near our hometown in Crozet. He thought he might be able to make better progress in a more familiar environment.”
“What?” I asked, in confusion. “How is Crozet a more familiar environment? He’s been here since college. This is his home.”
“Most of his recovered memories are from his childhood.”
“So he wants to go to the East Coast?”
“Just until he’s back on his feet.”
My hands began to shake; anger and fear mixed together in a thick soup of emotions. The way she put it, it didn’t seem to concern either one of them that he would be moving across the country away from his wife and children. “Don’t you think it would be better if he stayed closer to his kids? How is he going to build a relationship with them if he can’t even see them?”
Eight months had passed since his accident. Eight months of either sitting constant vigil by his hospital bed worrying about his wellbeing, or visiting him in rehab at least three days a week, bringing him home-cooked meals, clean clothes, and helping him shave. He had fully regained his ability to read and was making progress with his fine motor skills.
Emotionally, Mark still didn’t tell us he loved us or even missed us, nor had his memories of us improved as much as his memories of life before us. He did however, occasionally linger when his hand brushed against mine. I caught him looking at me once or twice when I chatted with a therapist or another patient. Now he wanted to give up and leave? Whatever hope I’d held on to about him suddenly felt pointless.
***
Jamie agreed to join me on a late night walk after the kids went down. I was still in a state of shock when I met her in front of her house. She gave me a quick hug before we took off, sneakers tied, jackets zipped all the way up.
“It’s cold out tonight.” She hugged her curvy size six self and pulled her knit scarf tighter. Long limbed and unfailingly self-assured, the boys in college used to call her Amazon Blonde. The nickname suited her.
“The weather this time of year is crazy. Summer-hot one day and then freezing the next. Kind of like my life.” I shoved my hands in my coat pockets.
“Southern California freezing.” She pulled the hood of her jacket over her head. “Where are we going?”
“The beach, I need to put my feet in the sand.”
“Got it,” she agreed, heading toward the lure of salty ocean air. An impartial moon lit the night sky. “So tell me what happened.”
I repeated my entire conversation with Elizabeth. “She said it like it was no big deal, but I could tell she was thrilled.”
“She’s a possessive woman and he’s her only son. I’m sure she would love to have him all to herself again.”
“Maybe it was her idea to entice him toward her home and he’s just going along with it. If I wasn’t so hurt, I would have gone and asked him myself. Instead, I just moped around the house all day until the kids got out of school.” We approached the boardwalk and stopped to stuff our socks into our shoes. “Let’s just leave them here. We can get them on our way back.”
Jamie shrugged and placed her shoes on the low wall dividing the sand from the concrete sidewalk. “So why didn’t you go over there and talk to him?”
“I couldn’t.” I sunk my first footstep into the cold grainy sand. Waves slipped in the lull of the surf. “It felt like she was punching me in the gut when she told me. Also, I might just lose it, tell him to go. At this point, it would make my life a lot less complicated.”
“How so?” She tucked a thick strand of hair behind her ear, slightly out of breath. Despite her perfect figure, Jamie wasn’t a fan of fast paced walking, or any other exercise for that matter.
“After he came out of his coma, and then for those first few months in rehab where he didn’t really remember me or our history, I put up a wall. At first it just hurt, then I made myself not feel, just focus on what needed to be done.
I had a brand new demanding job, a bitchy mother-in-law living in my house, and kids who were grieving. It was all such an intense distraction. I was able to numb myself to his rejection.” I could feel the resistance in each step I took, the cold weight of the sand on my feet, the pull of the ocean’s high tide. “Then, I thought things were changing after his memories of us started to resurface. He’s been interacting so much better with the kids, giving them hugs when they visit, and asking them more questions about their day and their interests. He still doesn’t say much to me or show affection, but I was feeling something more from him. I caught him looking at me a few times, in a good way. I guess I was fooling myself.”
“So why would it be easier if he left?”
I walked across a large chunk of seaweed and dug the heel of my foot into one of its slick rubbery polyps, making it pop. “Not going to let that one go are you?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Let’s get our feet wet.” I bent over and rolled my sweatpants over my knees. “Come on Jamie, please?”
“You owe me big time,” she relented, yanking up her pant cuffs.
A large swath of water pushed in closer, its white rim of foam marking the edges and creating a smaller space between wet sand and boardwalk. The icy ocean bit at our ankles.
“I keep becoming more and more attached to Alik. It feels incredible to be wanted. I keep wading in deeper.”
“How?” She lowered her eyebrows in concern.
“I find myself daydreaming about a future with him instead of the one I had planned with Mark.” The full moon reflected across the water, making it tremble in a golden light. It softened the anxious look in Jamie’s brown eyes.
“We’ve only known each other for about five months, but it’s like when you’re young and every week feels more like a year, like we’ve known each other for ages. He tells me how beautiful and special I am, believes I can have it all with my career and family. He wants to meet my children. He tells me things like he adores all of my idiosyncrasies. The sound of my voice brightens his day and makes his heart beat faster. And the crazy thing is, I believe him. I don’t think he’s making this stuff up.”
“Why is that so hard to believe? Why wouldn’t a man feel that way about you?” Jamie asked.
“I don’t know. It’s just so strange. Besides how young he is, it’s like the universe is waving this tailor-made man right in front of me and daring me to take him.” I kicked my toes at the water. “Then I get pissed. It’s not okay to feel this way about another man when my husband is recovering from a traumatic brain injury, even if he may never be the same again, may never remember me or love me or want to connect with the kids. I wasn’t looking for any of this.” I leaned over and grabbed a fistful of sand, tossing it in the water. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Jamie put her hands on her hips and looked at me. “But it did.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying this is your life now. You can only make decisions based on this reality.”
“You think I should let Mark move if he wants to?” I pulled my hair back out of my face.
“Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to happen.”
“You’re scaring me Jamie. Mark is the father of my children. Lana and Ben need him. We were completely happy and in love before he forgot who we are. I can’t just let him go to Virginia while I explore my feelings for someone else. You don’t throw away a good marriage when things get tough.” I edged out of the water and onto the dry sand, letting my pants fall back over my chilled calves.
Jamie looked at me dead in the eyes. “Your marriage wasn’t perfect.”
My mouth fell open. “No one’s marriage is perfect. You can’t spend nearly two decades of your life with another human being and expect it to be endless hot sex and romantic gestures. It doesn’t matter who you marry. If you’re in it for the long haul, you better be prepared for shit that isn’t going to please you.”
Mark had become more closed off in his old age. He also loved us completely. He told me I was beautiful each day, helped with Lana’s homework, and surprised me with special lunches and dinners.
I stopped walking and looked back at Jamie. “Let’s turn around and go home. I’ll visit Mark in the morning, tell him he needs to stay. Lana and Ben would be devastated if he picked up and left us when he’s so close to coming home.”
“Sure.”
Jamie was supposed to be the voice of reason, the one to tell me I was wrong to enjoy the attention of another man. She was supposed to tell me Mark and I would make it through this and our relationship would be even stronger in the long run. Why did it bother me so much that she wasn’t saying those words? Why did I so desperately need to hear someone tell me to do the right thing?