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Months passed and Sunday night dinners at Delphi became our routine. With each non-date my inhibitions relaxed. I found myself touching Alik’s hand when he made me laugh, leaning closer when he spoke, even dropping subtle hints that he occupied a space in my favorite dreams. Spending those handful of hours with him became the highlight of my week.
Alik let down his guard as well, revealing more of himself, his hopes and aspirations. He was the oldest son of three siblings and the first family member on his mother’s side to be born in the United States. Although she had moved with her parents as a teenager to the U.S. for a better life, she did her best to raise her own children in her traditional culture. They spent each Sunday morning at St. Mary’s Apostolic Church, ate Armenian food for most meals, and conversed with everyone inside their home, besides Alik’s dad, in Armenian. His Italian-American father let his mom take the reins.
There were violent turf wars at his public Glendale high school between the two dominate cultures—Armenians and Hispanics—and Alik struggled to walk the line between the two worlds, not wanting to fully take a side.
He shared with me his five year plan to become a full fledged Los Angeles news producer. His band was putting together their first CD and he was hoping that might go somewhere too. I tried not to openly swoon when he said he wanted to settle down in a few years. His live-in grandparents, who were still deeply in love, inspired him and he believed finding your soul mate was life’s greatest gift.
Each night we talked on the phone before I went to sleep. I ignored the bright red flags flapping their cutting edges, stinging my face, and continued to flutter into an emotional space I knew was wrong.
Sometime in early April when the days began to stretch into the nights and an unseasonal tear of Santa Ana winds scorched the populated hillsides surrounding Kingston Court, Alik called to say goodnight.
I hid out in my locked bedroom with the cell pressed close to my ear.
“I can’t get you off my mind,” Alik told me.
“Me either. You have been a constant distraction today. I was baking birthday cookies for Lana’s class this afternoon and forgot to set the timer. Burned the entire batch. Good thing I bought extra ingredients, otherwise I’d have to sic her entire seventh grade class on you.”
“I’m not scared.”
“You should be,” I laughed. “Twelve-year-old girls are a dangerous breed.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“You know I’m right.” I dimmed the lights and set my alarm clock. Stretching out on my bed underneath the whirring overhead fan, I twisted a lock of hair around my finger. I imagined Alik lying shirtless in his bed.
“Hey, Natalie?”
“Yes?”
“Do you remember the first time we had dinner together and you said you wanted to take me to bed?”
Heat flushed my face. “I remember.”
“Did you mean it?” His lowered, uncertain voice wavered with vulnerability.
I tried to laugh the question off as if it were nothing serious. “Oh, I meant it all right. Not going to do it, but I can certainly imagine it.”
“Me too.” I heard him sigh. “I thought about you all last night, barely slept.”
“What were you thinking?” I asked, the whispers of reason telling me not to go there.
“You really want to know?”
“Yes.” My words shot out faster than my mind could process the repercussions.
“I thought you wanted us to just be friends. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or do anything to make you think I don’t respect your wishes.” He breathed another heavy sigh into the phone, making me want to kiss him. “My thoughts are highly inappropriate.”
I twisted the wedding band wrapped around my ring finger and toyed with the hamsa on my necklace. If I agreed to this, I would be crossing another invisible line, taking another step toward infidelity.
“Tell me.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“I woke up this morning to write a song. I was so inspired by you, I needed to express myself, but I ended up writing something else instead.”
“What?”
“I was thinking about what I wanted to do to you. It’s graphic. You would probably be pissed.”
“I want to see it.”
“Why? So you’ll have an excuse not to talk to me anymore? Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
I wanted to go there, even if it was wrong. It had been nearly a year since Mark’s accident. Eleven and a half months of stress, fatigue, and anxiety. Alik filled me back up and gave me the desire to face the day. “I really want to read what you wrote. Will you please send it to me?”
“Promise you won’t get mad?”
“Promise. I’ll call you back afterward.” I didn’t want to think twice. I was running with my most basic instincts.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.” Impatience pushed me over the edge. How bad could it be?
“Okay, you asked for it. I’ll email you the first half. Call me when you’re finished, let me know if you want more.”
I got out of bed and double checked the lock on the door. Then, stalling for time, I walked quietly into the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I crept back under the sheets, I contemplated ignoring his email. I didn’t have to read it. I could tell him I changed my mind.
Running my hand over the keyboard, I tried to imagine what Mark would say if he were here right now. What would he think if he knew what I was about to do? Would he disown me, would he understand? Would he even care?
My fingers typed in the password and opened Alik’s email. His words pulled me in.
I woke that morning yearning for her. The morning sun reflected off of her flawless, porcelain skin. I wanted to taste all of her, send her to that place..... until I had nothing left.
Running my fingers slowly between the middle of her breasts, I kept sliding them further down her stomach. I could feel her hips arching up as I got close... her breath getting heavier. Her mouth opened and soft moans escaped as I penetrated her with my hand. She wanted me.
She pulled my hand away and turned on to her side as if she was done.... She turned back to me. Her hand moving slowly and firmly up and down me. She didn’t need to touch me...I was ready.
Please.... I begged her.... I needed to be inside her. She moved her hips up against me and I pushed myself in. I had all of her, as close as two people could be.. I have to control myself.... I have to last for her..... be good for her.”
My blood rushed to all the right places. I closed the computer and waited for the pounding of my pulse to slow. I wished I hadn’t asked Alik to send me his story.
I replayed some of his last words in my head, wanting to stop time and make love to him in an alternate universe where it didn’t count as cheating. If he appeared here right now, I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist.
After taking a few deep breaths to collect myself, I called him back.
“Was it too much?” he asked without even saying hello.
“No. Maybe. I don’t know.” I toyed with my wedding band in confusion.
“Do you feel disrespected?”
I bit the edge of my thumb. “No.”
“Did you like it?” he asked.
“Yes.” I pushed back into my pillow. “I kind of feel like crawling through the phone right now.”
He laughed. “Awesome. If I could do that to you with a story, imagine what I could do to you in person.”
“I’m imagining.”
“I’d love to put my hands on you, Natalie, get in between your gorgeous legs. But I want you to know it’s not just a physical attraction—I have strong feelings for you. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think about you.” He stopped talking and I could hear him inhale.
“Alik? You there?”
“I want you more than I have ever wanted anything or anyone in my life.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, I can’t explain it. It’s like I have this hunger for you and I don’t just mean sexually, I mean for all of you. I just want to be with you. All the time. Wake up with you. Kiss you every morning before I leave for work. Come home to you every night. I imagine us sharing meals together, scooting next to you at a two person table because I can’t stand to not be next to you. I want you to fall asleep on me at night on the couch.” He exhaled another deep breath. “Does that scare you? Is it too much?”
I couldn’t hold myself back. I wanted more. “Will you send me the rest of your story?”
“It’s a happy ending,” he teased.
I was too embarrassed to say much of anything. “Just send it. I’ll call you back.”
Curling my toes and tapping my fingers impatiently on the keyboard, I waited.
You’re arching your back.... spreading your legs...pulling at my waist...pushing me all the way into you..... I can’t take my eyes off you.... my senses overwhelmed....
Deep inside you.... caressing your perfect breasts.... I’m losing myself. Your scent.. is all around me..... so turned on.... so intense.... I can’t let go. I want to get behind you.... see you on all fours.... kiss down your back to your perfectly shaped bottom. Spread you apart.... taste you..... lick you from bottom to top....even there... own every part of you.... need to hear your labored breathing...
No part of your body will be off limits to me..... I will touch it all.... taste it all. Your scent.... your sweat.... your juices..... on me. You are the only woman I want this way.
I can hear your faint noises now. Perfect body.. legs spread wide. I’m putting it into you this way now....From behind... pushing even deeper into you.... you are reaching back.... squeezing my hand.... it hurts a little.... no.... more.. harder squeezing on my hand.... I can’t hold on much longer. I want your sounds.... loud.... I want them all to know I am inside you...I am giving you all that pleasure. Yes.... I am doing that to her. She is mine!
No more.... I can’t resist anymore... our bodies sweating.... meshing.
You’re trembling now.. quivering.. My eyes wide open.... I want to watch it happen. I found that spot..... the one that makes you moan. A little faster and more aggressive now. You’re almost there.... arching more and more..... your final rush.
Now my turn. I’m going deeper inside you...my hands gripping tight onto your hips.... that last release. You are my dream come true.
I closed shut the computer and fought the enormous smile stretching across my face. Something was wrong with me. I had a husband. It wasn’t right to feel this way.
I sent him a text.
Don’t tempt me Alik.
So you’re thinking about it?
Just thinking.
If you did, I would love you so hard. You would see how a man could truly appreciate your body. It would be the best you ever had. I promise you wouldn’t be the same..... it might ruin you.
Such confidence.
I have a big imagination and I am veeeery detailed. It also helps that I’m so incredibly hot for you..... all I want to do is make you “O.”
I touched my hand to my neck. My legs felt weak, my hands clenched.
What would you want me to do for you? I asked.
I would want you to completely lose yourself at that moment.... completely uninhibited.... fingers dug into me...moaning at the pleasure I’m bringing you. When I see your mouth wide open.... belly pulsating.... nipples hard.. massive wet O... then it’s about me, that will finish me.
I wanted to grab my car keys and drive straight to Los Angeles. My God Alik. That would be amazing.
I slid deeper into the covers. He made it sound so good, it was hard to keep reminding myself it was wrong.
I think I better go now. I need to stop this before I say something I regret.
Like what?
Say good night to me, Alik.
Good night Natalie. Sweet dreams.
Setting the phone on my night table, I tugged the covers over my chest. His words chiseled away at my will power. If I could do that to you with a story, imagine what I could do to you in person.