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Alik met me for dinner at our regular spot. The owner had left the front door open, letting the warm air circulate around the cozy restaurant. Slipping my purse off my shoulder, I hung the strap on my chair.
Alik had comforted me throughout the most difficult challenges of my life and made them bearable. I was certain my feelings for him had been warped by sorrow and confusion. It was time to let him go. He was young and full of potential. He would find someone better suited for him as soon as I set him free.
The moment he walked in the restaurant, my stomach twisted in loops. His sweet smile was meant just for me. It was as if I’d pulled him out of my imagination. The way his fitted black shirt revealed the masculine outline of his lean body, his freshly cut brown hair, the way he knew exactly what to say to cheer me up—how could I say goodbye to him? He would move on and I would spend the rest of my days wondering what could have been. Someone told me once, everyone has the one that got away. Alik was destined to be mine.
“Hey you.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Why so serious?”
“What are you, a mind reader?” I smiled, trying to shake off my fears.
“No mind reader, just looking at that tight expression on your pretty face. Plus we usually meet here on Sundays, not Tuesday nights. Something’s wrong.” He sat across from me and called for our waiter to bring him a drink.
I tore the delicate tissue paper from my straw into dozens of tiny pieces, then rolled them all into a tight ball. “Alik?”
He laid his red linen napkin across his lap. “You’re scaring me.”
“I don’t think we should see each other like this anymore. I want you in my life, but we can’t go out to dinner anymore or talk to each other late at night before bed. I need to draw a line between the two of us.”
“Why? Is this because of what I wrote you?” He looked as if I had given him a speeding ticket for jaywalking.
“No.” I felt the weight of his hand on mine. “My husband’s doing much better, he’s remembering our relationship. We’re talking to each other again, like a married couple. I love him and I need to give him my full attention.”
Alik took a sip from the red wine the waiter set down for him.
“It’s not fair to you either,” I continued. “You’re young. You shouldn’t be wasting your time Facebooking and having dinner on Sunday nights with an old married woman.”
His face crumpled with hurt. “You think this is a waste of time?”
“A waste of your time. I’m the one getting the most out of this. You would be so much better off pursuing someone with less baggage.”
“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m right where I want to be.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I’m happier when I’m with you.”
I picked at a slice of bread. “You’ll be even happier when you meet someone who can give all of herself to you.” The young waiter, a slim guy about Alik’s age with his hair pulled into a long ponytail, came to take our order. Alik asked him to give us a minute.
I launched back into my speech. “This relationship isn’t good for me either. I have to start putting all of my focus on Mark. I thought if you and I hung out, if I let go of my defenses for a little while and just embraced my attraction to you, that we would realize how little we had in common. I hoped these feelings we have for each other would fizzle out on their own. Yet, for me, it’s the exact opposite. Every time I connect with you, I want more.”
“It doesn’t have to go any further than this,” he tried to assure me.
“It’s going to end anyway. The network came to me with a full-time job offer. When I hesitated they said they would hire someone else if I turned them down. Get rid of me altogether. The news director told me everyone is replaceable, so I either commit fully or move on.”
He tapped his fork against his empty plate. “That’s bullshit. They’re bluffing.”
“I don’t think so. Besides, it doesn’t matter. My son needs me around more often.”
“Don’t you still need a job? Mark isn’t going to be able to go back to work anytime soon.”
“I have a plan. And that’s beside the point. I can’t go on living these two different lives for much longer, one here and one in San Diego. It’s too hard. Ending our dinner dates and our talks is the first step in pulling away from all this.” I pursed my lips. “I’m so sorry I dragged you into my problems in the first place. I took advantage of you.”
He broke eye contact and lowered his head. “You didn’t take advantage of me. I wanted you the first time I saw you. I did everything I could to get your attention.”
“I’m so sorry Alik.”
He looked back into my eyes. “There’s this cool poem I read. The guy tells the woman he loves he would rather spend three days as a butterfly with her rather than live fifty average years.”
“Keats.”
“You know it?”
“You’re not the only one who can memorize words Mr. ‘I-sing-in-a-band-and-make-all-the-girls-swoon.’”
“Let’s hear it then.” He smiled, leaning back in his chair and waiting.
“It’s not really a poem. It is a quote from a love letter John Keats wrote to his love, Fanny Brawne.”
“I’m impressed already.”
“Hush.” I tapped my fingers on the table and tried to remember the exact words. “Okay. Here it is. ‘I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days. Three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.’”
His long lashes lowered, sails at half-mast. “I’m really going to miss you.”
“Me too. You gave me hope during the most difficult time in my life. I’m so grateful for having known you.”
Walking out of the restaurant alone, I slowly exhaled. It was far too easy to picture Alik sometime in the future with kids and a wife. I envied the woman who would get to keep him.