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Mark met me in the parking lot of the rehab center. He wanted to get outside of his regimented environment and show me one his favorite new spots.
Alongside the pink stucco building, a manicured dirt path led into a small nature preserve. “There is a stream back in here. At night you can hear the frogs ribbiting to each other. Now that I’m fully mobile, I like to come out here sometimes to be alone and think.”
I stepped on a dry stick and listened to the satisfying sound of it cracking. “It’s so peaceful.”
“Babe?” Mark pulled me toward him. “Before we go any further, there’s something I need to tell you.”
My heart quickened with nearly unbearable anxiety and my underarms prickled with heat. He was going to leave me or tell me he had somehow found out about Alik.
“Hey.” He put his hands on my hips. “Don’t look so worried. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. My mom’s been keeping me up to date on your blossoming career. I can’t help but think I’ve been holding you back all these years from your true calling.”
“Oh.” I rested my forehead on his chest in relief. “You scared me.”
“Sorry. But this is important.”
I lifted my head back up to give him my full attention.
“I’ve been watching your shows. You’re a knockout on television, and you are such an outstanding interviewer. Everyone in that newsroom must have fallen in love with you.”
I wrung my hands, thinking of the truth in his words. “Thank you. I didn’t know you were keeping tabs.”
“You know I fully support you with this. You could be the next Katie Couric if you wanted.”
“Well,” I said, rubbing the thin silver of my hamsa between my fingers. “They did offer me a full-time job. I’ve been stringing them along for the past month, but I planned to tell them no. I thought it would be too much upheaval to move our family to Los Angeles.” I waited for his response, hoping he would attempt to talk me into keeping my job. I loved that newsroom. It would break my heart to leave.
He ran his hand across the brown stubble on his head. “It would be tough. I’d almost rather move back East and live a quieter life, get back to basics. But I want what’s best for you, too.” He gave me a tight smile, one that told me he was not fully on board with moving to LA. “If you want to go all the way in your career, we’ll do it. We will make it happen.” He squeezed me tighter. “You are my life. I want whatever makes you happy. Hey,” He dropped my hand and reached into his shirt pocket. “I almost forgot. I’ve got something for you.” He pulled out a neatly folded piece of white computer paper. “I’ve been working on this for weeks now. Letters and the spelling of words are finally coming back to me. I wanted the first meaningful thing I wrote to be for you.”
Yet another round of tears welled in my eyes. “Babe, you’re writing?”
“Typing anyway. Mom says my handwriting was always terrible.”
“Terrible is a bit harsh.”
“Good or bad, the doctors say I’m pretty much done with in-house occupational therapy. I should be able to come home in another week or so. Anything else I need to work on, I can come in for regular appointments.”
“They told me that too, but it’s so much better hearing it from you. It is such incredible news Mark. I’m so happy.”
“Me too. This is the end goal I’ve been dreaming about since I got here.”
I unfolded his note. “Can I read it now?”
He rubbed the top of his head again. “Sure. Go ahead. It’s a list of things I remember that I love about you. That list is the culmination of my year in recovery.”
I held out the paper as he looked over my shoulder. The words inside were short, but they crushed me to the bone.
Top Ten Reasons I Love You
Tears slid down my face. My mind, at war. “This is the best list I have ever read. I can’t believe you tapped into all these memories and emotions and you were able to write them.”
The impulse to toss aside my own desires and focus on my family struck me hard. I felt like a stray cat stuck in the middle of a West Hollywood traffic jam. I didn’t know what I should to do, what direction to turn, where I wanted to be most.
“The energy that newsroom puts off is like taking all the best drugs in the world at once. My mind is expanding, and I’m growing stronger as a person.
At the same time, I want to be here for you and our children. And Ben needs extra help. If we really want him to get over his fears and improve his communication with others, he’s going to need one of us working with him every day to enforce the new behaviors and strategies he’s working on in therapy. The doctors say weekly visits aren’t enough to rewire the brain. Someone needs to be with Ben throughout the day teaching him in the moment, and rewarding him when he makes good choices.”
“Maybe I could be that person,” Mark said. “You know, assuming he even has Asperger’s.” He pulled a leaf off a low-lying branch and crushed it between his fingers. “He seems fine to me, just a little quirky.”
“I know it’s a lot to take in at once.” I began walking again, needing to move in order to think. “I truly believe Asperger’s is the right diagnosis. The more I read, the more all of Ben’s off-beat behaviors make sense.
You have to focus on your own recovery. I’m the one who’s been taking him to therapy and I’m in the best position to help him. He trusts me. He listens to my advice. Even if I moved us all to LA and didn’t have to make that crazy commute anymore, a full-time anchoring position would still get in the way of his treatment. It wouldn’t be what’s best for our family.” My heart sunk at this final realization. Once again, I would have to sacrifice my own wants for my family. Only this time it felt painful, like I was truly leaving something valuable behind.
“Maybe you could find something local and work part-time here in San Diego? My company is holding my position open for me. I could go back as soon as I get out of here.”
“That’s really sweet of you to say, and I know you’re doing so much better, but I don’t think you’re ready for all of that yet. It’s better you take some time to be at home for a while, get to know your children, continue working on your recovery.” I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. A child squealed in the distance, most likely visiting a loved one at rehab. This was a place to be thankful for a second chance. “Mark, I know it seems drastic, but even if we stayed here in San Diego and I only worked part-time, it would still be tough for either one of us to give Ben one hundred percent. The news industry energizes my mind, but it also consumes and depletes me. If I’m honest, the stories and interviews I conduct run through my head for days before I can shake them off. It’s like I’m constantly going through detox. And those interviews have mostly been mommy focused. A full-time gig would mean pursuing an even wider spectrum of hard hitting topics.”
I began walking again, feeling my resolve strengthen. “Ben is still so young. We have an incredible window of opportunity. I don’t want to regret spending this time working on a possible career for myself when I could be building a solid future for our son.”
“So...” I tugged at a loose thread on my T-shirt. “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. Considering everything we just talked about, I think the best option for us may be to sell the house and move to your hometown for a while. The equity in our home would give us a couple of years to focus on you and Ben. It could also be nice for Lana. She’s been struggling and living in a smaller town with a whole lot more attention from both her parents could be good for her right now.”
This time Mark stopped walking. “What about you? I don’t want you to resent us.”
“I don’t either, and the career is tempting, it really is. But it’s not everything. My family comes first. Giving Ben the best shot at a happy life, making sure you fully recover, keeping our family healthy and strong—those are the things that matter most.”
Mark pulled me in for a hug and buried his face into my hair. He let out a sigh. “Natalie, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
I wrapped my arms around him, fighting the fear I was sinking back into myself again. This is the only choice.