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Walking into the dim newsroom, I stopped to take it all in. A few stragglers sat typing at their computers, breathing in the stale windowless air. The rest of the desks stood abandoned, littered with scattered paper, pens, and framed photographs. Police scanners bleeped from the assignment desk. I took a deep breath. I wanted to remember this moment. The moment I said goodbye to it all.
Slipping into an empty editing bay, I pulled up the segments of my final stories, pasting together the pieces I liked best. None of this really mattered. Everything was saved digitally on my computer. I could have a professional do the job later.
I was here to see Alik.
The low swoosh of the edit bay door opening lifted me from my thoughts and I pushed the pause button.
“Hey you,” Alik said. The warmth of his hand on my shoulder, as he spun my chair around, caught me by surprise.
“Hey.” My body hummed with nervous excite-ment. Alik crossed his arms as if he were relaxed. The tension in his jawline indicated otherwise.
I grinned and looked him up and down, admiring the way he filled out his dark blue jeans and casual T-shirt. “Nice outfit.”
“Thanks,” he shrugged. “You look beautiful.”
I’d worn my sexiest jeans paired with a flowing red crepe blouse. Smiling in the awkward silence, I glanced back at my monitor.
“Nat, can we go somewhere to talk?”
“Do you have a place in mind?” I wanted to be alone with him, but I was afraid of what might happen.
“My friend has a small studio nearby that he rents out for his art gallery. It’s empty tonight. We could hang out before you take off.”
“All right,” I agreed. “I’ll wrap up what I’m doing and meet you there in thirty. What’s the address?” I still hadn’t decided what I wanted. We were going to say goodbye, that much I had settled on, I just didn’t know how.
He texted me the details. “Before you take off, check your desk drawer. I left you something.”
“What?” I asked.
“It’s just a little something, a late birthday present. It was May twenty-second right?”
“You remembered?” I felt like crying I was so touched. Not even my best friend or my husband had remembered this year.
“It’s the day you were born, how could I forget? I would have given it to you on your actual birthday but you were avoiding me and I didn’t want to hand it to you in front of everybody. Anyway, it’s not a big deal, you can open it later when you get home.”
“Thank you.” I lowered my eyes feeling guilty for skipping out on him the last couple of weeks. Nevertheless, I was happy to think I might have something tangible to remember him by.
As soon as he left I stepped over to my empty desk, opened the top drawer and pulled out a rectangular box wrapped in soft pink paper with a tiny white bow. Tearing off the paper, I discovered a brown and ivory hardcover book. He had given me a reprint of the letters John Keats wrote to Fanny Brawne. A quick scan of the index section showed it contained the prose I had recited to him on our last date at the Greek restaurant on Westwood Boulevard. I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days ...
Turning the page, I found a hand-written note that I would have to remove if I wanted to keep his gift. It read: Neither time, nor lack of contact will diminish my feelings. You will have a part of me forever. ~ Love Always, Alik
Pressing the book to my chest, my stomach fluttered and my heart ached.
***
The studio was tucked between a grouping of eclectic buildings along Santa Monica Blvd. Turning into the parking lot, my car’s headlights swept across Alik waiting by a dim lamppost outside the back door.
He took my hand and led me inside the cement structure. Its walls were covered in beautiful, somewhat disturbing artwork. Large black and white human-interest photos. Ravages of war juxtaposed against impoverished children playing in a still stream while women washed clothes in its dark waters.
Alik motioned me toward a well-worn leather couch placed in the front of the space. I sunk into its oversized seat as he sat beside me.
“So this is it. You’re really going to walk away from your life here?” he asked.
My insides began to shake. I nodded, unable to speak.
“This job could make you a huge star. You’d be able to call all your own shots.”
“Or they could fire me tomorrow.”
“I guess anything is possible.” Alik moved into my personal space, the familiar soapy sandalwood scent of his skin soothing my senses. His presence, the very fact that we were alone, made me want to close my eyes and kiss him—something I’d done in my mind hundreds of times. This was my last chance to experience it for real.
That’s when he made his move. He pressed his lips against mine before I had a chance to protest. They were as soft and warm as I’d imagined. Heat shot through my body, stoking feelings and desires I couldn’t let go.
He traced the nape of my neck with his lips and slid his fingers through my hair. I allowed my own hands to travel up the inside of his shirt, touching the contours of his flat muscular stomach. His pecs flexed in my grasp as his lips explored my cheek, my earlobe, and then the other side of my neck. Common sense struggled against primal desire. “I can’t do this,” I whispered.
“You’re free to go,” Alik said, lifting up his arms and removing his T-shirt.
I hesitated in the silence, unsure of my next move. He reached to the edges of my red blouse, lifting it gently over my head. Leaning into me, kissing me, I felt him unclasp my bra before it slid down my arms and fell to the cushion. “You’re perfect.”
The lowered lights flickered, sending shivers of courage down my spine. I needed to breathe him in, feel all his skin on mine. The sound of his voice, his smell, his taste. I wanted to dwell in them, relish in them, pull those senses over me, feel their warmth. He pushed his bare chest against mine and I abandoned my inhibitions.
My hands ran along the muscles of his firm back. His lips danced desperately over my collarbone as we breathed heavily into each other. He looked up and I pressed my nose to his. Holding our faces so close to one another felt like the first touch after a lifetime of isolation.
I kissed him again, tears slipping down my cheeks and wetting our lips.
“I’ll always be yours,” he said.
I couldn’t let him go. Every piece of him felt so good. I wanted more. My hands fumbled with his belt buckle, and I moaned a quiet sigh as he pulled away, leaving my body wet with kisses until he reached the rim of my jeans, undoing the button and then the zipper.
If I didn’t stop, I would be lost.
Scooting back, I already regretted the space between us. “I’m sorry.” I leaned over and collected my abandoned top and bra. “As much as I want this. I can’t.”
He reached for my waist. “Please, Natalie. If you leave, I will always wonder what it would have been like to make love to you. To be with you. Just once.”
My resolve nearly buckled. I told myself it was better this way. We could be flawless in each other’s memories. “I will always wonder, too.”
“This is the last time I’ll see you, isn’t it?” His eyes softened in resignation.
“Yes.”
“Can you tell me one thing before you go?”
“Maybe.” I sat there vulnerable and heartbroken.
“How do you feel about me?”
The soft hum of the city at night filled the quiet. I willed myself to speak, to say something meaningful. “I’ve shown you how I feel by sitting here right now, by showing up, doesn’t that say it all?”
“No, you’ve barely said anything, done anything. I’m the one who’s all the way in.”
“In my mind, I’ve done a lot. This is huge for me, to be here with you. To have kissed you. I’ve completely stepped over the line.” I didn’t want to leave without telling him how much I cared for him. I didn’t want regrets for words unspoken. Still, the intensity of my feelings scared me. I loved my husband and my family. My husband loved me. The emotions I had right now could never translate into a real life.
“Natalie.” He placed his finger under my chin and looked into me. “When I close my eyes, I see you, and I don’t want to open them. I love you. I’m in love with you. In the deepest, purest, most true way. I love you so much, if there were a bigger, better word for what I feel, I would use it.”
My heart broke open. It was everything I wanted to hear. I imagined his hands touching every inch of my skin, the two of us making every piece of each other feel whole and satisfied. The same desire reflected in his eyes, the last hope that once the words were spoken, I would stay with him.
“Do you want me to fight for you?” He ran a hand through my hair. “I would break down walls for you Natalie. I would give my soul to you.”
His words gutted me. I never wanted anything more in my life than I wanted him in that moment. It had been so long since I had been this intimate with a man, felt sexy, wanted and cherished while in his arms, so long since I’d done something entirely selfish, just for me. Even during the year before Mark’s accident when he was healthy and we were working on things, he never made me feel what I was feeling now.
Touching Alik’s face, I ran my fingers down his cheek and along his chin. “I love you too, Alik.”
He kissed me again, his breath jagged and heated. He pulled back slightly and spoke across my lips, “I’m going to make you feel so good. You will never have this with anyone else besides me.”
Giving in to my emotions, I leaned back on the couch as he tugged at my unfastened jeans, slowly pulling them down, placing kisses on every part of my legs he exposed. Once he discarded my pants, I felt him work his way back up my legs, kissing my inner thigh. My stomach fluttered in anticipation. Looking down at the top of his head, I ran my fingers through his hair. He looked up at me with such tenderness in his eyes. I deserved this one night with him, to know what it was like to be made love to by a man who wanted me so completely.
Lowering himself, he gently used his hand to push my thighs further apart. I inhaled as he blew hot air across my flesh and with soft fingers, spread me into his mouth. Alik’s tongue brushed across my folds and found my most sensitive spot, sending a jolt of pleasure through me. “What are you doing to me Alik?”
He didn’t answer. I could feel my orgasm building as he continued to please me with his mouth. Slowly he inserted a finger deep into me, finding my center, moving it in and out as his tongue continued to do things I didn’t think possible. I had never really enjoyed this before, in the past it was something I wanted to rush through. I grabbed tighter to Alik’s head holding him in place as I felt my climax building, his tongue and finger making me feel so good. Closing my eyes, I screamed out just as my orgasm took me. “Oh my God Alik. That was unbelievable.”
“Was it a good one?” he asked, lifting his head and looking at me with a close-lipped smile, a mixture of love and pride. I reached out and ran my hands over his shoulders, an overwhelming desire to feel him inside of me. “Can we go further?” I asked.
He stood in response and slid off his jeans.
I watched him search his back pocket, removing a tiny foil package before dropping his pants to the floor. Reaching out to him, he slowly backed away, “If you touch me right now, I won’t last.”
I couldn’t help feeling powerful. He was all mine, I owned this man.
Taking the condom, he rolled it on, all the while looking at me as if I were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
“Thank you, Alik.”
“Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me, that you would allow me inside of you. I feel so honored.” He lowered himself onto me. His brown eyes looked into mine as I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt him push deeper in me.
“I love you so much,” he said, kissing me as he moved. His lips brushed across my shoulder, working his way up to the spot behind my ear as he adjusted his body to go deeper. I gasped at the sudden fullness and grabbed his buttocks to pull him closer, wanting, needing more. I came again quickly and lay beneath him in near exhaustion. I felt him shudder and when he finished, I nudged his hot body off of mine, content to lie beside him on the wide couch. As our heartbeats slowed, I looked up at Alik, “You were right. Nothing comes close to what we just shared.”
We lay together, side by side, holding one another’s hand. I listened to the din of traffic outside, the rev of a motorcycle engine before the low rumbling sound of it trailing off. Making love to Alik made me feel even closer to him, not what I wanted, but I was grateful for the experience. I would never have to wonder if it was real, and this private memory was mine to keep. I stood from the couch to collect my clothes. “I have to get going.”
“Will you call me when you get home? I need to make sure you’re safe.”
“No. This is the last time we can talk Alik.”
I walked away, waiting and hoping for some sensation of guilt or shame for what I had done to make it easier to leave him. When it didn’t come, when it was just me alone in my car, driving home with a pain so deep I felt sick, I knew there were many forms of love, and this was to be ours. An empty space. I would be okay. I was making the right decision, yet this space would always be his.