I believe I know how my life will end.
It could end on a heavy chain,
On a blank horizon blotted out by darkness,
A crushing black to consummate this pain.
To plunge at last beneath the inky surety
On which my daylit life has ever sailed,
To freeze the beating blood that makes me dirty,
To succeed at last where all my trials have failed,
It is an end to do a lifetime proud!
A double bar, devoutly to be wished!
But, when one fails to properly exist,
Such honour cannot, must not be allowed.
So I remain.
I suspect I know how my life will end.
It could end with a distant wail,
On a roll of drums and fanfare of steam trumpets,
And a life pulled skyward on an iron rail.
Was that the wind, or did I hear my mother?
Never mind, it’s too late now to tell.
Once I am gone, there won’t be any other.
(When the light goes out, the world goes out as well.)
Deliverance comes with archangelic speed,
My prayers fly up before the tender train,
For the strength to face one flash of pain.
(It is the last thing I will ever need.)
But I’m afraid.
I expect to know when my life is done.
It begins with a burning chest.
Though I run a race I’d like to keep on running,
My heart will burst if I don’t stop to rest.
Once I’ve made up my mind it’s all smooth sailing,
Once it’s done, there’ll be no more to be.
The boat is full, I need only stop bailing,
No questions left once I have turned the key.
I’ll tip my hat to everything I’ve tried,
I’ll bow my head to what’s beyond expression,
The steering wheel will take my last confession,
The doors shut tight to keep my death inside.
And I can breathe.
I can breathe easy now,
For I am gone.
I believe I know how my life will end.
It will end with a final choice,
With a fist curled tight against the coming trouble,
And a last word spoken in a steady voice.
Editors’ Notes:
This song had its world premiere during the Calgary book launch of Strangers Among Us: Tales of the Underdogs and Outcasts. Vanessa Cardui gave such a powerful performance, her lyrics so memorable, that we had to share the words with you. It is about choices we have in our lives and how well we use those choices will determine the paths we take. How appropriate it is also for this anthology, Shades Within Us: Tales of Migrations and Fractured Borders.