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MARK AND LEK SHAWCROSS sat on the ground floor of Phuket Airport opposite the Information Desk, each reading Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Delays were the norm, and this was Sunday, the world’s lazy-day, so they expected to be here for ever.
Mark sat under a ceiling fan and sipped an orange juice while the sweat dripped down his neck into his T-shirt. Lek sat tall and erect. She had heavy eyelids, a chin with a dimple, prominent cheekbones and long hair tied in a bun. She stroked the mound under her blue maternity dress and shifted position. She looked at her husband and they kissed. They resumed reading. An empty bottle of cherryade stood on the bench by her side and she held a motorised fan to her left temple.
They were waiting for Edward Grant. He had no idea, but this visit was going to be his Waterloo. They were finally going to trap him on the island for good.
Five days beforehand, Mark came in from work to find Lek lying on the sofa. She gave him a little wave. He took off his jacket and shoes and took her toes and caressed them. She yawned.
“How was work?” she said.
“Same as ever.”
“Do any photocopying?”
“A bit. How about you?”
“We haven’t got a photocopier.”
He laughed and lifted her feet onto his knees. “In a few weeks we’ll both be looking back to this as a kind of heaven. Calm before the storm.”
“That’s what everyone says. As if being bored is preferable to being hyper busy.”
“It’s probably better than seven or eight sleepless nights in a row, being unable to stop your new baby crying and having her vomit food all over you.”
“Always look on the bright side of life.”
“Best to be prepared.”
“Sometimes I think you don’t want a baby.”
“I do,” he said, “and I don’t.”
“Anyway, guess what?”
“Go on.”
“Edward rang. He’s coming to stay.”
“Edward? When?”
“Sunday.”
“Bloody hell,” Mark said, “doesn’t he know you’re about to give birth?”
“Like we don’t all speak on the phone every fortnight? Of course he knows.”
“But then that’s Edward. Head in the clouds.”
“Anyway, it’s some sort of emergency. Charles Swinter’s disappeared.”
“‘Disappeared’?
“Long story,” Lek said. “He went to Australia, then he came here to Phuket without telling anyone. A police data-retrieval expert searched the airport computers.”
“Why would Charles Swinter come to Phuket?”
“God knows. If Edward had only introduced us to him at some stage, he might have paid us a visit and there would be no mystery.”
“But of course Edward’s Edward.”
Lek smiled. “Don’t be too hard on him. I’m really looking forward to seeing him again.”
“It’ll break the monotony, I suppose. And he’ll double as a servant.”
“Oh stop it, Mark. You’re as pleased as I am. I can read you like a book.”
“Perhaps we can find Charles Swinter before he gets here. Save time.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard. If he’s alive, he’ll be splashing his cash around somewhere. He’s a rich old man. It’s what they do.”
“He certainly splashed it out on Edward.”
“That was an investment. It was business.”
“It’s funny though, Edward calling. I was just talking about him at work the other day.”
Lek bristled and sat up. “In what context?”
“I was telling some people about you. I showed them our photograph. It’s got Edward at the end.”
“Honestly, this is typical of you, Mark. Every day I ask you what you did at work and you say ‘nothing’. And now this. Who? Who were you telling?”
“Colleen O’Brien and this new ESL teacher we’ve got.”
“Not the one Georgina asked you to put in a word for a year ago?”
“The same. Noonie Kitkailart. Short for Nongnuch.”
“What’s she like?”
“She reminds me a little bit of you, actually.”
“In what way? Is she nine months pregnant?”
“She speaks English like an English person. I mean, without a Thai accent.”
“I’m underwhelmed.”
“I was just saying.”
“How old is she?” Lek said.
“Late twenties, I think.”
“Nice?”
“The kids like her. That’s usually a good indicator. Why are you so interested?”
“Is she ... available?”
“Ah, okay, right, I can see where this is going now.”
“And?” Lek said.
“She’s a ‘Miss’.”
“Boyfriend?”
“I don’t know anything other than what I’ve just told you. And that she calls Colleen ‘Mrs O’Brien’.”
“Oh, that’s sweet.”
“Exactly what I thought.”
“Pretty?” she said.
“Most of the boys seem to think so.”
“Not that that’s high on Edward’s list of priorities anyway. Remember Amanda Crookes?”
“Vaguely.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I just said I did.”
“You said ‘vaguely’.”
“I don’t sit around thinking about her.”
“She spent a year trying to get Edward into bed. And failed.”
“He never mentioned it.”
“He never noticed her existence. Because she couldn’t do quadratic equations. In the end, she said he was gay. But then she would.”
“I’m fairly certain he’s not gay,” Mark said.
“I bet he’s a virgin, though.”
“I hope this isn’t about that. Because that would be sordid.”
“It’s got nothing to do with that. It’s about him being happy.”
“What about Miss Noonie Kitkailart’s happiness?”
“I might give Georgina a ring. Get the lowdown on her. Be honest, Mark. It would be really nice if Edward came to live here. It’s what we’ve always wanted. We both know he’s unhappy in England.”
“I think we may be running ahead of ourselves.”
“Of course we are. Faint hearts never win fair ladies.”
“Besides, Edward would probably be unhappy anywhere. He’s got a gloomy disposition, that’s all. Some people have.”
Lek shook her head. “He just needs to meet somebody.”
“Some people like being gloomy.”
“But he won’t meet anyone unless someone engineers it because he never goes out.”
“Because he’s too bloody gloomy.”
“No, because he’s got his nose in books and test tubes all the time.”
Mark raised his eyebrows. “And you’re going to set him a honey trap, is that right? Using Miss Nongnuch Kitkailart as bait?”
“If she’s suitable, yes.”
“Are you sure you’re up to this? Aren’t you nine months pregnant?”
“Oh, don’t be such a killjoy. Pass me the phone and go in the shower. I’m going to ring Georgina.”
An hour later, Mark was in the kitchen doing the dinner when Lek hobbled in. She poured herself an orange juice, rubbed her lower back and sat down at the table.
“Georgina thinks it’s an excellent idea,” she said. “She wishes I’d thought of it sooner.”
“That’s good.”
“And there’s something else. She said you promised Noonie you’d speak to me about getting her a position in the civil service? Is that true?”
“God, I forgot all about that. Yes, I did.”
“Bloody hell, Mark. It’s because you never tell me what you do at work, that’s why you’re slapping your forehead now. Whereas I tell you everything.”
“Yes, I know the name of every child in your class. Sometimes I feel more like a Primary than a Secondary teacher.”
“Because I care. I want to share things with you.”
“I want to share things with you too. Just not school. I want to come in from school and forget about it.”
“Anyway,” she said, “Georgina and I have hatched a plan. It involves you.”
“What a surprise. It’s nothing I’m going to get in trouble for at work, is it? Because we need the money.”
“How could you get into trouble? It’s just a little matchmaking. And Edward’s never going to hurt anyone, is he?”
“Not intentionally. I’ll give him that.”
“If he does inadvertently break her heart, I’ll speak to my father, okay? We’ll get her the best job the civil service has ever devised.”
The Everything Mart in Phuket Town was the size of an aircraft hangar with aisles wide enough for two trolleys to pass opposite ways without scraping. It was soothingly lit and laid out so the staples were as far apart as possible. Lek and Georgina stood in the canned meat aisle. A store detective watched them.
“Are you sure she came in here?” Lek said.
“I’m sure.”
“Are you sure she hasn’t gone?”
Georgina sighed. “No, since I haven’t got X-ray eyes, I’m not. For goodness sake, Lek, be patient. Just let nature take its course. She has to go to the freezer section before she leaves.”
Lek picked up another can of corned beef – her sixteenth in ten minutes. She beamed at the store detective and blew him a kiss. He pretended to examine the pork luncheon meat.
“Have we got a Plan B?” she said. “Where else are we going to ‘bump into’ her if this fails?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Georgina replied.
“Assuming she ever makes an appearance, God knows what she’s going to think of me, with sixteen cans of corned beef in my basket.”
“You’re counting?”
“Is that sad? Yes it is.”
“There she goes.”
“Where?” Lek started stacking the corned beef back on the shelf.
“Just gone past this aisle – on to the next one. Don’t empty your basket, Lek. How suspicious is that going to look? She’s going to think something’s not right if you’ve got this far into the shop and you haven’t picked up anything.”
Lek scowled and reloaded the corned beef.
“You need a variety,” Georgina said.
“I don’t even like corned beef.”
Georgina started to transfer cans of tuna from her basket.
“What if she’s on her way to the checkout?” Lek said.
“Come on.”
They put a spurt on and skidded round the corner. They found Noonie squeezing a loaf of bread. She turned and looked at them. They froze.
“Hello, Georgina!” Noonie said.
“Noonie! What a surprise! Lek, this is Noonie.”
“This is Noonie?” Lek said. “The Noonie? The one you’re always talking about?”
“The Noonie. Noonie, this is Lek Shawcross. You know her husband from school. Lek, this is Noonie Kitkailart. The Noonie Kitkailart.”
“Oh my God,” Lek said. “Georgina’s always talking about you! And Mark thinks you’re wonderful. I’m so happy to meet you at last. You must come round to dinner.”
“Don’t be put off by the corned beef,” Georgina said.
“Hey, that’s pregnancy,” Lek said. “I couldn’t stand the stuff before.”
“She’s quite a cook,” Georgina said.
“Obviously, I wouldn’t be foisting corned beef on you if you were to come round to dinner. I only eat it while I’m all alone in the house. Sitting under the stairs, smearing it round my mouth like a hungry gorilla. Please say you’ll come. Mark will be so pleased.”
“Er, I’d love to,” Noonie said.
“When?” Georgina said.
“I don’t know right now. It’s - ”
“The important thing is that you’re agreed in principle,” said Lek. “We can thrash out the details through Mark. Would you like a lift home?”
Mark could see a new batch of arrivals in the International area, to his right. He nudged his wife. “Lek?”
“I’ll stay seated. Go and check. Wave your hand or something if it’s not a false alarm.”
He stood up without expectation and was pleasantly surprised to see Edward coming out of the crowd towards him. Lek rose and switched off her fan. They both beamed and advanced as fast as her condition would allow.
Although Mark hadn’t seen Edward for nearly six months, he was more than satisfied with what he saw. Their plan was going to work.
“Noonie Kitkailart’s going to go weak at the knees,” Lek whispered.
