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THEY HEARD AN EMERGENCY siren in the distance. They looked at each other. Susan sighed. Edward bristled and sat up.
“Listen, Susan, when the police get here they’ll probably separate us to stop us comparing notes. Then they’ll ask us to give them a statement.”
“Thank you, Edward. I have been arrested before, you know.”
She went back to plucking grass and discarding it.
“Yes, yes, of course you have. The point is I just want you to tell them the truth, okay? I’m very sorry I hit Phillip and Valérie but they didn’t leave me any choice.”
“I’m glad you hit them. Anyway, I won’t tell on you. I’m not a sneak.”
“I want you to tell on me. It’s imperative you walk free, do you understand? Just trust me, Susan, please.”
“I think we should say I did it.”
“But that would be – lying.”
“So? Look Edward, everyone knows I’m batty. All I have to do is pretend to speak gobbledegook and they go, ‘What’s wrong with her?’, and the solicitor comes and he goes, ‘Don’t you know she’s got a screw loose?’, then I get a conditional discharge or something and I have to spend an hour a week with Doctor Doolally and next thing you know I’m back on the streets again, terrorising the neighbourhood, going, ‘No one crosses Susan Swinter-Jones’. It’s easy. Although – no - ”
“What is it?”
“I might lose my job at the Post Office.”
“That’s settled, then. Because I’m going to confess.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. I only wanted to keep it so I wouldn’t lose you.”
“Yes, right. Just do as I say, Susan, please. I’ve never asked you for anything like I’m asking you for this now. If you’ve got any feeling left for me you’ll do what I say without question.”
“Feeling left for you? But I love you.”
“So do as I say.”
She shrugged. “Okay.”
“Give a short statement to the police – just tell them the truth - and insist on seeing me afterwards, okay? And keep hold of the shoe. Don’t let them take it off you under any circumstances. Then wash your face before you come in and see me.”
“Okay, I can do that. I’ve been in this situation before. All you’ve got to do is hitch your skirt up six inches and blubber like a Blue Whale, and they’ll do anything you ask. I’m telling you, I even got percolated coffee and a cream scone, once.”
“So you think you can do it?”
“I’ll stand by you, Edward, no matter what.”
The sound of at least three sirens blared into close range. Ten minutes later, Valérie and Phillip – badly cut and concussed – were stretchered into an ambulance; Thanongsak stood on the driveway and gave a deferential-looking WPC a statement. Susan and Edward were thrust onto the back seats of separate police Range Rovers.
They were taken to different rooms to make statements. Edward was offered a phone call. He called George, who arrived forty minutes later and listened in horror as Edward made his confession.
When it was over, the investigating officer and his assistant read the statement aloud. Edward signed it and they left, leaving Edward and George together with a uniformed policeman who stood to attention in the background.
The room was a little bigger than a single bedroom. It had a stone floor and grey walls and a strip light. At its centre was a blue table with two hard chairs. It smelt of antiseptic.
“Hi, George,” Edward said.
George ran his fingers despairingly through his hair. “I don’t believe what I’ve just heard.”
“Did you bring the shoe, like I told you?”
“I can’t believe it. You assaulted a man and a woman with a brick and you’re allowed one phone call, so you ring me and ask me to bring a bloody shoe?”
“Droll, I know.”
“You’re supposed to ring a bloody solicitor, you daft bastard.”
“Take it easy, George. You’re supposed to be a vicar, remember?”
“You actually assaulted a man and a woman with a brick?”
“Try to get past that, if you can. I didn’t call you here - ”
“Get past it?”
“If it helps, I didn’t mean to hurt them.”
“What? It was a bloody brick.”
“True ...”
“You’re supposed to ring a bloody solicitor.”
“Stop swearing, will you, George. You’re starting to turn the air blue. Although, strictly speaking, it’s already blue: it’s a police station.”
The guard showed the need to laugh. They both watched him. He took control of himself when his eyes began to water.
There was a knock. A policewoman opened the door and stood on the threshold holding the handle.
“Your girlfriend’s asked to see you. You’ve both been cooperative and she’s now free to go so you’ve got two minutes.”
Susan stepped into the room, clutching a handbag and a sling-back. George stood up then started and looked closer. His eyes widened.
“This is George,” Edward said, without getting up. “My brother. Most people don’t think we look anything like each other. George, meet Susan.”
Susan looked blankly from Edward to George. Then she pointed to them. Something in her seemed to awaken.
“You’re ... who? You’re George? And you’re ... you’re Edward? But – but you’re two separate men.”
“It wasn’t me you met on Charles’s lawn on the day of the funeral. It was George. He was the one that read you the poems and invested all that time in trying to comfort you. Meanwhile, I was in the beer-tent, trying to get slaughtered. But just to make things more complicated, it was me who stroked your hair later while you were on the ground gnashing your teeth.”
“You’re called George?” she said.
“Yes,” George said.
“But I thought that was a false name.”
“It is a false name ... for me,” Edward said.
“Hang on, she told you she thought you were called George?” George said.
“No, she didn’t. Don’t start getting at me again, George. I’ve just brought you together with the woman of your bloody dreams. You’re supposed to be grateful.”
There was silence as the phrase ‘woman of your bloody dreams’ paraded round the room grinning and waving its six hands in the air.
She turned to George. “Does that mean that you ... do you like me?”
“We’ve only met the once,” George said, trembling. “But on that occasion, yes, I liked you very, very much indeed.”
Edward stood up. “Susan, could you wait outside?”
“What? But why?”
He winked solemnly at George. “I know it sounds brutal but George is here as my legal adviser. I have things to tell him that only a legal adviser can hear. If you hear them, you’ll be compromised and the police will try to keep you for more questioning. You don’t want that, do you?”
“Will you wait outside for me?” George said.
“Is - is that my shoe?” she said. “Sorry, do you think I could try it on? I mean, I’ve always wanted to - ”
“Please, Susan,” Edward said.
George put his hand on Edward’s shoulder. “Hang on, Edward. They only said Susan had two minutes. I’ve got longer, presumably.”
Edward clicked his tongue. “Sit down, Susan, and hold your foot out. You’ve probably got about thirty seconds till they chuck you out.”
She sat down and stuck out her bare foot. George got on one knee and fitted the shoe.
She waved the toe. “It fits!”
“At least we won’t have to go round asking the policemen to kick their shoes off,” Edward said. “Now, please.”
“George,” she said, “did you want me to wait for you, did you say?”
“Please,” George said clasping his hands as if for a prayer.
She pulled the mouldy shoe onto her other foot and left the room.
“What’s going on?” George said.
“Susan shouldn’t go home. She’s in grave danger there. I’d like you to take her to live at the refuge for a while.”
“What? Sorry, I’m still getting my head round this. How - how’s she in danger?”
“Just take my word for it. I’m not saying this to throw you together. If you let her go back there, you’ll lose her again, believe me. And there might not be anything you can do about it this time. Those people have really got it in for her.”
“Is that – is that why you hit them with a brick?”
“In a word, yes.”
“Thank God. I was beginning to think you’d flipped. Me dealing with women who’ve been hit on the head with bricks, you hitting women on the head with bricks, I was beginning to wonder just how sardonic the universe could get.”
“Well, you don’t have to any more.”
“I didn’t mean it to sound like I doubted you. Not seriously. No offence intended.”
“None taken.”
“Why the hell didn’t you mention the fact in your statement? You made it sound like it was a completely unprovoked attack.”
“That’s the other thing. It’s absolutely vital that Susan doesn’t find out I was trying to defend her.”
“You mean she doesn’t even know? Where was she at the time?”
“Upstairs. Just take my word for it, will you? When have I ever lied to you before?”
“There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“There’s nothing I’m not telling you. I was round at the house, I overheard them planning to kill her – she’s next in line to the throne, after all. When Charles is dead, she’s going to get everything. They discovered me. We fought. I got carried away. Nobody’s going to believe me, nobody’s going to care, Susan’s safe, all’s well that ends well. End of fairytale.”
“Why on earth don’t you want her to know?”
“Because she’ll only try to do something to rectify the situation and that’ll mean putting herself in danger again. Do not tell her.”
“I suppose ...”
“I need your solemn word, George.”
He pursed his lips and sighed though his nose. “Yes, okay then.”
“Good. Well, I think that just about wraps everything up for today. You’d better catch Susan.”
George hugged his brother. “Don’t worry, I know a great solicitor.”
“Look George, I’ve already confessed. There’s - ”
“I’m talking about a reduction in sentence.”
“Listen, you’ve still got that copy of my front door key I gave you last year?”
“Somewhere.”
“My credit card’s in the drawer under the cooker, at the back. Nine-one-three-seven. Draw out as much as you need, pay a solicitor, maybe get Susan a new pair of shoes. This is my problem, so my money okay? Now go.”
George clicked his tongue.
“Go on.”
He walked to the door. The policeman stepped over and opened it for him. Susan was waiting beneath the lintel. She linked arms with him as if she had known him for years. He shot her an adoring look then turned back.
“We’ll see you tomorrow. With or without a solicitor.”
Edward nodded. In the brief time George had turned away from her, Susan had dipped into her handbag, pulled out a black and white card, pressed it to her cheek then thrust it away again. Edward wondered what it was.
Then he realised.
Vivienne.
Two officers came into the room and he was handcuffed and taken to a cell. On his way along the corridor, he saw for the first time the significance of what he’d done. There was no chance of explaining anything to Noonie any more so he’d fixed the future. He remembered her final words to him: “It turns out that my ‘one true friend’ is in fact just that”. Charles would die and she would return to Thailand and she’d almost certainly become Mrs Chongdee somewhere along the way.
He sat down in his cell. He hadn’t cried for years. He cried.
