‘I want to try something different today, if you don’t mind,’ Natasha says on Thursday morning as I take my seat. I regard her warily as I make myself comfortable and settle Zoe on my lap.
‘Tell me a bit about the early days with David,’ she asks, and my frown deepens.
‘The early days? What good will that do?’
‘I’d really like to understand how you two came to be together. When did you start going out? Where did you and David meet?’
‘Well, we actually were at school together, so I had known of him all of my life. I even remember rumours about this girl he went out with... Jennie. They had some kind of bad breakup and she was always crying at school for a while afterwards. Then in the last few years of high school, he had a lot of girlfriends and other than leaving a trail of broken hearts behind him, he just seemed like a… ’ I break off, frustrated as I search for the right word, then I shrug and admit, ‘He was just a bit of a player, you know? A “use them and lose them” kind of guy. Not dangerous, just… flirtatious. Superficial.’
‘Well, besides his reputation, what did you think of him when you were in high school?’ Natasha asks, and I shrug again.
‘I didn’t spare him much thought, to be honest. David and I moved in such different circles, I probably didn’t have a single conversation with him alone until the night we got together. At high school, I knew I wanted to get into vet science at a prestigious university and the requirements were so tough – it’s very hard for a kid from a small high school like Milton Falls to make the grade, so that was my focus.’
‘If he’d expressed an interest in you at high school, what would you have said?’
‘I’d probably have been flattered, but I would have assumed it was a joke.’
‘Why is that?’
‘Boys like David didn’t pay attention to girls like me.’
‘Why not?’
‘He was seriously out of my league. He was handsome and popular, I was bookish and I had good friends but… you know. I wasn’t like him.’
‘Huh… so, tell me about when you did get together?’
‘It was at a party. We were both back home for the midterm break and a bunch of guys had been out at some football game, they all came into the party together.’
I was in the kitchen when they arrived, getting myself a drink, and when I came back into living area it was suddenly full of slightly drunk, beefy footballers. I remember wondering where they’d all come from, and as I scanning the room for my friends, my eyes locked with David’s.
He was so handsome. His hair was jet black, and his eyes ice-blue. David was tall and muscular, so he stood out even in that testosterone-filled room. And he was staring right at me. When I didn’t avoid his gaze, he pushed through the crowd and approached me, wearing that utterly charming smile.
‘It’s funny how we’re at the same university,’ he greeted me with, ‘And yet, I only ever seem to see you when we’re both home.’
‘You go to UNSW?’ I said, surprised, and he laughed and clutched his chest.
‘Ow, my feelings. I hoped you’d been keeping an eye out for me,’ he said, his eyes still crinkling with mischief, ‘just like I’ve been keeping an eye out for you, looking for a chance to ask you out for a drink.’
‘Sure,’ I laughed wryly, but my heart was racing. The room was full of scents – not all of them pleasant, given the boys had been drinking for a while and they’d been at the football before that. But maybe David had showered, because his aftershave tickled at my nose, and I wanted to lean into him to breathe it in. Everything about him was strong and masculine, and that contrast made me feel petite and feminine.
‘How did that make you feel?’ Natasha murmurs. ‘When he said he’d been looking out for you?’
‘Oh, it wasn’t creepy,’ I assure Natasha. ‘No, it was flattering. As we got chatting, it was pretty apparent that all he knew about me was that I was at the same university and I was studying to be a vet. But we chatted for hours. The party wound down and everyone else either left or went to bed, but David and I sat there and we talked and talked and… ’
When I finally said I had to go, he walked me home and he was a perfect gentleman – he didn’t even try to hold my hand. And then at the front gate to my parents’ house, I turned to him, and we stared at each other before he leant in and offered me a very chaste kiss. Still, the whole thing – every aspect of it was like a dream to me, and my head swam with the full force of his attention. I was a rabbit caught in the headlights of his gaze all night. I’d never experienced anything so flattering in my life.
When I woke up the following afternoon, there was a bunch of flowers on the dining room table.
‘Nice, Dad. Charming Mum, are we?’ I’d laughed, winking at him, and Dad shook his head.
‘No, love. I didn’t get them for Mum. They’re for you.’
There was a card attached, which Louisa promised me she hadn’t read, although I could tell by her longing sigh that she was lying.
Liv, loved chatting to you last night. Dinner next week in the city? Please say yes. David
‘He was so romantic,’ I murmur now to Natasha. ‘There were no red flags in the beginning. Even once we were started officially dating, he was just like a prince charming, you know? He brought me gifts, he lavished me with attention, and he was always so protective – he was the guy who opened doors for me and pulled out my chair at fancy restaurants and always wanted to walk me in. Everyone was jealous. He absolutely swept me off my feet. I felt so lucky to have him.’
‘How do you feel about all of that now?’
I swallow hard.
‘What should I feel?’
‘There’s no right answer. Do you still think it was genuine?’
‘He loved me,’ I say uneasily. ‘He did. If things between us had stayed like they were in the city… we would have been happy together.’
‘And where did things turn?’
‘It was a really, really slow decline. I mean – there was no single day when he started abusing me. If he had, I’d have left then, you know?’
‘Yes. The lines grew blurry, right?’
‘Yeah… the protectiveness… it really slowly – I mean, like glacially slow – it gradually became possessiveness. I didn’t even realise it at the time because all of the things he did that were protective could also have a different motivation. There’s a huge difference between walking someone to their door because you want to keep them safe, and walking someone to their door because you feel you have a right to know where they are every second of the day.’
‘That’s very true. Well, tell me when you first noticed that his motivation had changed.’
‘That’s the thing,’ I admit heavily. ‘I don’t even think I ever did notice. He just loved me so passionately, but I loved him too so… things that maybe should have made me nervous just didn’t. I trusted him completely. He was always just a little jealous, you know? But even that was sweet. I mean, I thought it was just because he wanted me all to himself, and that’s how I felt about him too, so why would it worry me?’
‘Okay. So when did things sour for you?’
‘He moved home before me, but right from the day he moved back, he was pressuring me to transfer to Bathurst to be with him.’
‘Did you come home?’
‘We compromised. I stayed in the city until I finished my undergrad, and I didn’t transfer to Bathurst like he wanted me to. But I also didn’t stay for the postgrad surgery year I wanted to do.’
‘And was that your decision?’
‘It absolutely was,’ I say firmly.
‘So why did you change your mind about the postgrad year?’ I look at her blankly, and Natasha prompts, ‘Was it that you didn’t want to do it any more?’
I hesitate. ‘Well, I still wanted to do it. But I realised it was a bad idea.’
‘Why was it a bad idea?’
I sit back in my chair and I am getting defensive and I have no idea why.
‘There were lots of reasons. The cost, for one thing – and the fact that I was qualified to register as a vet by then and that’s all I really wanted, so anything else was just icing on the cake – almost like I was being greedy… selfish, you know? Besides, the professors who kept encouraging me to do postgrad just wanted the fees, they didn’t really see special potential in me, that’s just what they have to say. Academia is a business, after all...’
I break off, and then my eyes widen.
‘Oh my God,’ I say, and I’m numb with shock. ‘I sound just like David.’