The psychology researcher Marisen Mwale at the Msuzu University in Malawi did a study that looked at the perceived causes of failure between low- and high-achieving adolescents.
Like many good studies, it confirmed what most of us already suspected: everybody fails. We know that. But what happens when high achievers fail? You guessed it. They fail harder, much harder, than low achievers do.
“It’s on me,” they think. “I failed because even though I tried really hard, I wasn’t good enough.” Or “I failed because I’m the problem.”
What about low achievers? They more often blame their failures on bad luck or the difficulty of the task. Sure, maybe they whine more, but they are also more likely to honestly recognize when the system doesn’t allow for their success. They are easier on themselves. They admit that factors beyond their control may have affected the outcome.
As stakes continuously rise, as standards endlessly elevate, as the pinch of performance gets even tighter, there’s a real risk that more of us will be in this high-achieving, hard-on-ourselves category. Maybe you already are? I know I am.
So what can we do about it?
Well, one thing we can do is this: we can talk about it more, share our failures, ask for help, and scrub the sheen of perfection right off of us.
Why? What’s that going to do?
Well, Karen Huang, Alison Wood Brooks, Ryan W. Buell, Brian Hall, and Laura Huang at Harvard Business School published a working paper called “Mitigating Malicious Envy: Why Successful Individuals Should Reveal Their Failures.” Their study found that discussing failures helps humanize us. Of course it does!
When I tell you, “Oh man, I screwed up,” I seem normal, real, and relatable. Then what happens? Well, interpersonal relationships improve when we empathize with each other’s failures. And you know what else? This is the fun part: levels of “benign envy” actually increase in others.
What’s benign envy?
It’s the good kind of envy. The opposite of malicious envy. Benign envy actually motivates others, lets people see you as a role model. Benign envy is contagious in a good way. It motivates others to improve their own performance.
So next time you screw up and feel like hiding it, remember you’re doing no one any good that way. So share, fess up, let others in, because then others will empathize with you and keep growing.