Chapter Two
Sexual Purity
No, it’s not an oxymoron

My boyfriend knows about my commitment to abstain from sex until marriage, but he has promised me that we will be married. How can I keep from having sex when I really want to and everywhere I look people are doing it?

Really wanting to have sex and really wanting to please God can be a tough fight. Don’t mistake the heart of God. He created sex and instructs married people to have sex and enjoy it. Yet sex can’t be fully embraced or fully enjoyed unless it is in the right relationship and season.

If you are nearing the marriage date, your wanting to experience sex is understandable. Yet so many people get impatient and have sexual intercourse before marriage. It can happen out of curiosity, desire for emotional comfort, or fl at-out selfishness.

I would ask that you make your future the higher priority. The pain and baggage of premarital sex can never be physically amended. It can often lead to an unplanned child. Then the couple may be tempted to put the wedding plans in fast-forward to make it appear as though the conception occurred during the honeymoon, and on and on and on. The entire marriage can end up being just a messed up cover-up where the couple realizes they weren’t ready. Sounds great, doesn’t it? God says to wait. He wants things to unfold on his timeline.

Consider why you want so badly to have sex. Many people—and this seems especially true of women—seek sex as a way to fill an emotional void or to gain affection. Others substitute it as a way to feel loved. It can never fully provide either. Trust God’s wisdom and follow his lead. God’s plans, timing, and perfection can’t fail.

I have failed in keeping my virginity and have had sex multiple times in order for someone to love me. Am I failing because of an issue I can’t see?

There are many possible issues. Getting through adolescence can be a difficult thing. But most teenagers don’t have the insight that you do. You said you were having sex “in order for someone to love me.” From my perspective, sex is something that occurs because of love, not something that creates love. And that love is fully illustrated when two people come together in marriage.

God defines the prerequisite for sex as marriage. Marriage sets the table by uniting two hearts, minds, and souls, not just two bodies. And having sex can create new life. God wants to assure that if a life is created, then the mother and father are in a committed relationship and prepared to raise the child together.

I encourage you to look to the Bible’s words as a healthy guideline for establishing the right steps for sexual purity and relational success. Even though you have failed, God is ready to forgive you whenever you ask him to do so.

All of my life people have told me I should stay a virgin until I get married. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about three months, and when we are together he makes me feel so special. He wants to go further and sometimes I get lost in the moment and go there with him. How do I stop my feelings from allowing me to go too far?

Psalm 86:11 says, “Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth.” Not only have you heard from a lot of people that you should be a virgin, but you’ve also heard this from God. This is his commandment. This is his way.

I understand that your boyfriend makes you feel special.That is a good thing. But the payoff for feeling special cannot be to give up that feeling.

When you start to “get lost” in the moment, you need to have a standard that is based in fact, not your feelings. And the fact is God’s Word. Make a healthy start a priority. Enlist the help of your boyfriend. Explain that he makes you feel special, but that this special feeling is stolen and replaced with a sleazy feeling when you have sex. Ask him how he wants you to feel—special or sleazy? It sounds like he is a great guy and will want you feel special.

Lastly, consider the priority of your future. Think about tomorrow, not just the feelings of today. Your future can be delayed, detoured, even destroyed if the wrong decisions are made. Choose purity.

How do I forgive myself for continually having sex when I know it’s not okay?

Let the Bible bring comfort to your heart after missing the mark. Read these words from Hebrews 10:22 (NASB): “Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” The good news is that your heart has been “sprinkled clean.” As a Christian, you have been forgiven by God. It is quite assuming for any of us to think we can’t forgive ourselves.

This is not to say our actions are never regrettable. Of course they are. But regardless of how regrettable, there is nothing in our sexual past that is unforgivable. Nothing!

The key word in your question is “continuously.” I would ask you to think about how you keep going back to the same area of sexual weakness. I don’t mean this in a cynical, judging way. I mean how does it happen? Do you find yourself with a boyfriend who is pushy? Are you in the wrong frame of mind?

Let me give you an example. My wife and I once counseled a young lady who had been involved in a lot of sexual activity. She said her failures often occurred at times when she got drunk. The “how” of her situation was connected to her drinking alcohol. Rather than facing the sex issue first, I asked her to eliminate drinking to see if that helped (in more ways than one). She committed to try it. Guess what happened? Not only did she discover that she could survive socially without being drunk, but she also quit having sex. She discovered that she really didn’t want to have sex, but alcohol had become her excuse to let her guard down. And having sex was just a part of her wanting to be accepted. But when a person discovers some of the plans that God has for them, the world’s offers look very weak.

So I’d encourage you to look at the circumstances that cause you to do what you’ve said you want to avoid. And then stay out of those situations.

A final Scripture to hold you on track is 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

I have made the commitment over and over to stay away from sex. But again and again I end up back in the bedroom with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do. Although I don’t want to have sex, I can’t stop in the moment. Should I even try to stay away from him?

I appreciate the fact that you keep making a commitment. We recognize that you desire to do what is right. However, the issue is maintaining the commitment and holding true to what God has asked of you. God asks you to remain pure so that you can receive all that he has for you. And he does not ask you to do anything that he will not also give you the strength to do.

There are often underlying issues for girls who continue to have sex when they don’t want to. I don’t buy into the idea that some girls are just “horny chicks.” For the most part, a woman’s emotional chemistry is not centered on physical touch. Her primary focus tends to be on making an emotional connection. When women seek physical acts as a way of primary gratification, something is usually off.

In some situations, there may be an unhealthy desire for male affection that needs to be addressed. Some girls never received enough affection or affirmation from their fathers. Because of this, they may become promiscuous to satisfy their longing for approval.

Second, there are often self-esteem issues. Gaining esteem through ways that God advised against can cost a lot of emotional, social, physical, and financial pain.

Consider the story of David and Bathsheba. King David needed the affirmation that came from the arousal of Bathsheba. After their illicit affair, Bathsheba became pregnant with David’s child. Both were already married, so they began to lie and conspired to cover up their sexual sin. Murder, deception, and ultimately the lost life of their baby were all part of the price David paid because he wanted Bathsheba’s affection. He needed her to affirm him. Psalm 51 is the prayer of forgiveness that David wrote after collapsing from all the guilt. It surely was an expensive affair.

Having said all of that, don’t wait until the heat of the moment to stop. Keep yourself in healthy environments where sex can’t happen. If you guys can’t keep your clothes on, eliminate alone time. Date with a group of friends and stay in public places where others can hold you accountable. Tell a close friend your dilemma and give a few people permission to daily ask you some accountability questions, like, “Are you honoring God’s plan for your life?”

My girlfriend and I keep having sex. We can’t seem to stop. What can we do?

Try spending an afternoon at your local county health office. First, the two of you can get yourselves tested to see if either of you have contracted any STDs. If you are lucky enough to have avoided infection so far, you can watch people go in and out of the offi ce—some with smiles because they get to go back to their sin;but some with tears because now they are infected.

If you really want to keep sinning, then keep at it. But if you want help, it’s all about accountability.

If your parents are Christians, tell them—you and your girlfriend together . Face up to your parents and deal with the consequences, however extreme they may be. Next, tell your pastor and begin going through counseling. By talking through this problem, it is necessary to identify the sources of the problem. For example, if you fi nd that sex keeps happening in certain places at certain times, then ask others to support you in avoiding those situations.

You need to have the desire to stop. You can do anything you set your mind to do, especially if it is God’s will. Trust me, it is not his will that you are engaging in sexual promiscuity. There are so many Scripture passages that demand purity. So act on the love you have for God. If you love God, you will keep his instructions. That’s straight truth from the Bible.

My boyfriend and I are both Christians, and so are our families. We were home alone at his house and went too far. We had sex in his bed, and then his mom walked in on us. I’ve asked for forgiveness but still have not received it. What do I do?

The first priority is to make things right with God. You have done that by asking for forgiveness. But you need to make sure that your request for forgiveness includes repentance. The best definition of repentance is to turn and go in the opposite direction. Don’t just say, “God, I am sorry.” Say, “God, I will go in the other direction.”

Second, make things right with the families—yours and his. I can’t imagine how embarrassed you must have been, but still you have to make it right with the families. His mother and father are the spiritual authorities in his life and they have been offended by the behavior. Don’t try to cover it up. Don’t try to hide it. Own the mistake and take responsibility.

I suggest that you and your boyfriend, along with both sets of parents, sit down together, take a couple of deep breaths, and set some healthy parameters for your future. It may take some time to restore trust on all levels. But remember, it can be done.

I am 14 years old. Ever since I can remember, my mom has told me to stay pure until I am married. My parents are divorced, and she has been with different guys. Why should I listen to her? I want to do it just to make her mad. How do I tell her that she is wrong?

I am sorry that you are living in what appears to be a very hypocritical situation. However, in defense of your mom, you need to be sure that she is acting wrong before you confront her.The Bible says we are to honor our parents. Make sure that you honor her. It is possible to honor her and still confront her easy ways. I suggest that you explain that you know it is hard without your dad, but that she should strive to be sexually honorable, just as she’s encouraged you to do.

One of the guys in my youth group once faced a very similar situation, except it involved his father. The son confronted the dad, and the dad admitted to his failures. Dad then asked for forgiveness, and the two of them set up an accountability system. Son held dad accountable, and dad did the same for his son. The conclusion to the story was that, years later, the son asked his dad to be the best man at his wedding.