Chapter Six
Sexual Addiction
Hardcore
hang-ups

I’m a sixteen-year-old male and I have the age-old problem of porn. Every time I get online, I’m attracted to banner ads and I always get sucked in. Do you know of any way that I can break myself of this?

The first thing you can do, if you really want to stop, is to put your computer in the kitchen and only go online when your mom is cooking meals. I would bet money that you won’t be tempted to click on any nudie sites while mom is making dinner. If this is too hard for you, then get rid of your computer altogether.

If you must have a computer, try downloading our accountability software, X3watch. When you do so, you’ll need to enter the e-mail address of a person (or persons) who will periodically receive a listing of the Web sites you’ve looked at recently. Sign up your mom as well as a friend or pastor. I wouldn’t want to be at your house when your mom sees a report with porn sites on it!

In addition, XXXchurch has partnered with Integrity Online, the nation’s largest filtered Internet provider, to provide clean Internet access. Sign up today at www.integrity.com.

Can you be born a sex addict?

Studies have shown that addictive personalities tend to run in families. Now, you can debate the old argument of Nature versus Nurture over and over, but we think there is a more important factor to discuss here—choice.

Each of us has been given the ability to choose and to make wise decisions. We are not robots programmed for sex addiction. Some people may have a greater tendency to become addicted to sex, drugs, or other stuff like that, but the bottom line is that each of us has a choice.

Let’s quit living below the level that God has called us to and blaming our genes for the choices we make. It is not based on our heritage. It is not based on our ethnicity. It is rooted in sin.It is important to remember that we’re human beings who can practice self-control.

I have been addicted to porn for fi ve years. I have read self-help books, prayed, read the Word, told my girlfriend, and even asked my pastor to keep me accountable. Is there anything else you can suggest?

Consider the big difference between the following statements: “Lord, take this from me,” and “Lord, I give this to you.” It may seem like interpretation stuff, but in reality it can make a huge difference. God desires to give us whole and abundant lives. How much better is it when we willfully offer to give our desires and failures to him?

God will not reach out of heaven and try to pry our fingers off our sin. That would invalidate the free will we’ve been given. Yet he is quick to take on our failure if we are willing to give it to him. Remain encouraged, because Psalm 51:7 reminds us that God can purify us and make us “whiter than snow.”

I’d urge you to continue to be accountable to people you trust, because when you bring the problem into the light, it takes a lot of the power of the temptation away. If that doesn’t work, cut your hands off; you can probably get decent money for them on eBay.

When it’s late at night and I feel tempted to go to a porn site instead of seeking God, how do I stop myself from being weak one more time?

Proverb 26:11 (NIRV) says, “A foolish person who does the same foolish things again is like a dog that returns to where it has thrown up.” I suggest getting a dog so this verse will become clearer for you. When you watch that stupid dog puke and then suck up the vomit over and over again, you will get upset at the dog. Remember, God doesn’t get upset with us when we go back to our sin; it saddens him, because he loves us and wants the best for us.

It’s important that you don’t let yourself be alone late at night and allow yourself to fl irt with the idea of going to these Web sites. If you live alone and know this tempts you, then take care of the problem by getting rid of your computer. If you absolutely cannot do this, you need to put our free accountability software—X3watch—on your computer so that whomever agreed to hold you accountable will receive an e-mail that lists all the questionable sites you looked at in a month. Start getting real and accountable with someone.

Why do men seem to have this problem more than women do?

Well, one reason is because men tend to be sexually aroused through visual stimulation, while women tend to become aroused through emotional stimulation. Obviously, pornography is very visually stimulating.

But we have recognized that pornography and sexual addictions are not just a male problem, and we are seeking to address this issue more and more on our Web site and our ministry. There is now a whole section geared toward women on our site, and a campaign called NoHo.

NoHo talks about what women can do to help provide more solutions, not more problems. We are also working with some female speakers who address issues of sexual purity and appearance, and sometimes they join us on the X3tour. (For more information on this, check out the X3tour page on the site.)

Guys are more visual then girls, but over the last year we have talked to many women who are fi ghting this battle. We will keep addressing this topic for you girls.

What can the church do to help those who are struggling with sexual addiction?

First, the church needs to get educated. There are many people who take a negative stance toward the church due to its lack of vulnerability when addressing the subject. Some say things like, “The church goes poking its big nose around, making all kinds of assumptions, and shooting off its mouth before getting the facts.”This creates division.

The church needs to see those who are addicted to pornography not as freaks or perverts, but as people who struggle. Church members need to get a deeper awareness of the nature of the problem and create supportive groups where people can openly discuss this issue. As we noted earlier, in a recent study 37 percent of pastors admitted to struggling with porn. Of course, this study was anonymous because most of these pastors don’t have the guts to tell their congregation about their real-life struggles. And that is tragic! How many more people could we reach if our pastors were open and honest? Wouldn’t that make their congregations want to do the same?

There is another thought that needs to be addressed with regard to the church. Remember who the church is. The church is not a building, but people. The church is you and me. What can we do better? Let me suggest three points to consider:

1. Be committed to prayer.

2. Be compassionate and care for those who struggle with this issue, even if you do not.

3. Share the message of hope that there is life beyond an addiction to porn.

When we embrace these truths as the church, people will find the freedom the Bible promises.