Chapter Eight
Everything but the
Kitchen Sink
You mean
there’s more?

What kind of sex does God consider okay in a marriage?

The Bible doesn’t say what kind of sexual activity is okay and what isn’t, as long as it is inside a marriage relationship. Remember that God made sex to be enjoyed, and he made us to be creative beings. So if both people are consenting—and it is pleasurable for both people—then there shouldn’t be anything wrong with nontraditional sex.

Of course you need to think about (and find out if you’re unsure) whether or not certain methods of sex are going to cause long-term harm to your partner, even if your spouse enjoys it. After all, you don’t want to engage in forms of sex that could be potentially dangerous—that would be a blatant case of not taking care of your partner!

Is it wrong for married couples to use sex toys?

This is a question we get often, and I’m sure there are a lot of different opinions about it. Our answer: If it is beneficial and edifying to you, your partner, and the Lord, then go for it!

I would offer one caution, though. A lot of couples try bringing pornography and stuff like that into their sexual relationship, and that, I would say, is not a good thing. In fact, it is a recipe for disaster. But we think toys, lotions, and other things that are meant to please your spouse are okay—as long as they’re not potentially dangerous to one or both partners or likely to cause permanent damage in the long run.

Keep in mind that whips, chains, or being overly rough during sex is often a sign that some sort of abuse may have taken place in the past. In these situations, some counseling may be in order.

I think I am pregnant. I don’t know how it happened. I was told I could not get pregnant if it was my first time. How can I hide this from my parents?

I’m sorry you were given such bad information regarding the possibility of getting pregnant your first time. This is the type of confusion that causes people to make inappropriate decisions. However, the greater issue is not how you got pregnant, but that you want to hide this matter from your parents.

It is understandable that you would be apprehensive about telling them truth. That is a normal fear. It’s likely that they will be disappointed in your situation, scared for your future, and may not be able to trust you to make the right decisions for a while. It will be a difficult time. But being pregnant does not cause God to love you any less. He loves you more now than ever, and he loves the child that is developing inside of you, too. I encourage you to confess your past wrongs and mistakes to God, and then move beyond them and get back into a healthy decision-making process.

The first good decision you need to make right now is to begin taking the best possible care of the child inside of you. To do this, you need to tell your parents—and his parents—about this immediately. If you need to take a youth pastor, teacher, coach, or trusted adult with you for support, that’s great. But tell them today! They need to know so they can assist you with the next step.

Second, schedule a doctor’s appointment today. Let the doctor examine your health and the baby’s. Prenatal vitamins, ultrasounds, governmental medical assistance for mothers and children, and possible insurance coverage are all elements that your folks need to help you with as soon as possible. And if they won’t help you, fi nd someone who will!

Finally, ask God for health and strength. Acknowledge that you missed the mark. Get beyond the past by committing and dedicating this child to God. He will lead you and guide you in every step of the journey.

When you think about all of this today, I know it seems overwhelming. And God knows it’s overwhelming. This feeling of desperation is just one of the feelings that God wanted to protect you from by establishing his instructions for purity. On the other hand, the enemy will try to convince you that you will never succeed and you will never live a normal life. This is FALSE! There are many women, men, and children who were adversely affected by an unplanned pregnancy and still succeeded in accomplishing their goals and dreams. Will it be easy? No. Is it possible? Yes! Will you succeed? YES.

Our prayers are with you and your child.

I’m 15, a Christian, and I’m also a homosexual. Why would God make me gay?

We are all born into this world as jacked-up creatures. Church people like to use the term “sin nature,” but let’s use the word “jacked-up.” Deep down, we all want to please ourselves, and doing the wrong thing comes naturally.

Now, I don’t want to go down the “homosexuality is a sin” road, because we have all heard that a thousand times. I do want to say that, in God’s eyes, sin is sin. I don’t care what your sexual orientation is, and I don’t think God does either. He just looks down from heaven and sees his children in need of his mercy and forgiveness every day. You’ve got baggage. I’ve got baggage. Welcome to the club. But I believe that God did not make you gay, just like Adam did not have to eat the apple.

You must remember, even though the church has made homosexuality its pet sin to hate, God is a lover of people. God created you in HIS IMAGE. How can a person be created gay? Sure, there are cases when a chemical imbalance causes a man or woman to a have some traits that usually belong to the opposite sex—but that is a chemical imbalance or deficiency, just as diabetes is. The imbalance needs to be addressed from a medical perspective. But this is rare.

Homosexuality is a choice, as with any other sin, and often it is the result of social conditioning and a heart that has submitted to self-indulgence. The second half of Romans chapter 1 speaks clearly to this. As with any sin pattern, repentance and restoration is the hope. God did not create the human body to function properly in same-sex relationships. Please do not corrupt the perfection of God’s plan by declaring that he made you that way. If you are willing to address these issues, contact Exodus Ministries (exodus-international.org).

I am scared that I may have gotten a sexually transmitted disease. I had sex with a guy who was just overheard telling others that he has an STD.

First of all, there’s a chance the guy may have been lying about it. In a sick way, he may think that talking about having a sexually transmitted disease would somehow make him seem cool. The last time I checked, bragging about an STD was not high on the cool list, but nothing is surprising anymore.

It’s difficult to answer this—I can already feel the hot breath of some religious folks who would love to scream at me about how offering you any kind of proactive help is somehow condoning your mistakes. That is the furthest thing from the truth. Let me be clear. The fact that you may have been exposed to an STD is the consequence of sin. STDs are the result of people not honoring their bodies or the wishes of the Creator of their bodies. Had you not been “down under,” you wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not you may have contracted an STD. But I believe it is tremendously important that we in the Christian community do not isolate or shun people because of a sticky subject matter.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) notes that:

There are two primary ways that STDs can be transmitted. Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), as well as gonorrhea, chlamydia, and trichomoniasis—the discharge diseases—are transmitted when infected semen or vaginal fluids contact mucosal surfaces (e.g., the male urethra, the vagina or cervix). In contrast, genital ulcer diseases—genital herpes, syphilis, and chancroid—and human papillomavirus are primarily transmitted through contact with infected skin or mucosal surfaces.

All of those big words are a fancy way of saying that if you mess around, you are susceptible to getting an STD. At this point most argue, “But my boyfriend (girlfriend) is clean!” Well, that may be true. But you need to remember the mathematical factor: When you have sex with someone, you are exposed to every person they have been with, and every person that those people have been with, and on and on and on.

There are many different types of diseases that he may have passed to you. Go to God and ask him to make right what you have made wrong. One of the ways he may do this is by giving a doctor the insight to clear up your situation. As serious as the physical illness may be, I am just as concerned about the damage done to your emotions and spirit in this process. Take care of yourself by letting God lead and love you. He is not up in heaven trying to take away your fun. He is directing your path away from the elements on this earth that are the result of a broken covenant with him. Don’t blame God. Don’t blame anyone. Just refocus and recommit your ways to his ways.

I’ve heard that if I use a condom, I’m protected from AIDS. If this is true, then how does AIDS keep spreading?

This is a tough question to do justice to in such a small space, but let me give a brief overview. Here’s the truth: The only complete protection from acquiring AIDS through sexual activity is abstinence. Millions of teenagers believe that the “Jimmy Cap”is a sure-fi re way to protect people from AIDS. Though condoms have been proven to drastically reduce AIDS transmission, they surely are not foolproof. Science tells us otherwise.

Think of a condom as a series of mesh strands of rubber woven together. The mesh forms a tightly connected maze that resembles a fishing net. The problem is this: AIDS (and other STDs) are very small organisms, much smaller than sperm, which is what the condom was designed to stop. According to www.prolife.com/CONDOMS.html, the HIV virus that causes AIDS is so small that two million of the disease-causing agents could crowd onto the period at the end of a sentence. The distance between each woven strand is 50-450 times larger than the size of the AIDS virus. And it is possible for the AIDS virus to slip through the mesh holes (called voids) in a condom. (For more on this, see “Vatican: Condoms Don’t Stop AIDS” by Steve Bradshaw, The Guardian UK, October 9, 2003, www.guardian.co.uk/aids/story/0,7369,1059068,00.html.)

If that isn’t enough, consider what these medical physicians are saying:

Simply put, condoms fail. And condoms fail at a rate unacceptable for me as a physician to endorse them as a strategy to be promoted as meaningful AIDS protection.
—Dr. Robert Renfield, chief of retro-viral research, Walter Reed Army Institute

You just can’t tell people it’s all right to do whatever you want as long as you wear a condom. [AIDS] is just too dangerous a disease to say that.
—Dr. Harold Jaffee, chief of epidemiology, National Centers for Disease Control

Saying that the use of condoms is “safe sex” is in fact playing Russian roulette. A lot of people will die in this dangerous game.
—Dr. Teresa Crenshaw, member of the U.S. Presidential AIDS Commission and past president of the American Association of Sex Educators

Shifting from science to our faith, consider that God created us to live according to a higher standard. I’m not into Russian roulette, and I surely don’t want to trust something that doctors won’t trust. The Bible says to put your trust in God. And if God has my trust, then I have to trust that his Word offers the complete and undeniably best path for my life—God calls us to sexual purity and abstinence.

I went to prom last year. At the end of the night my boyfriend and I had sex. I hated it. I kept saying, “No, no, stop, quit it.” As he held me down and finished, I cried. I feel horrible and dirty. What do I do?

You were raped. Date rape is still rape. Society has fallen into the trap of believing that if the girl says no, she really means yes. When you said no, the date should have been over. Too many times I have seen or heard comments from the church like, “Well, she shouldn’t have been there,” or “She let it go too far!” Wrong. Why do we bring reproach and accusation on the victim?

I probably should not assume this, but please, please, please tell me you dropped this guy off at the local sheriff ’s station and severed all ties. Secondly, I encourage you to go to the doctor with your parent(s) or guardian and have a complete medical check-up. Forced entry can do serious physical and emotional damage. A parent, trusted adult, or pastor can counsel you about the legal side of this. It may not be your fi rst choice to press charges, but this guy could do the same thing to other girls, and he must be stopped.

In addition, you should get continuing counseling and support that will help establish health for your immediate future. Many women who have been raped either sever all ties to the opposite sex or completely give themselves over to sexual activity, thinking, I might as well just sleep around, since I’m already dirty. Both of these mindsets are off, and counseling can help remedy such feelings.

I am alarmed that this kind of thing happens nearly as often in the Christian culture as it does in the secular. Christian guys pressure girls to go further than they want to go, assuming that it’s always the woman’s responsibility to say no. And it is tragic, but true, that many times the “no” is not respected. The idea that any guy would think he is entitled to sex—or a blowjob, or even a kiss—needs to be addressed! Guys, if this is your attitude, the only thing you will be entitled to is the judgment God will bring down on you!

Sadly, the lack of respect for women is a huge issue among many teenage Christian boys, and it leads to a lot of messed up sexual activity. Sexual misconduct is everywhere in our culture, and many Christians have a distorted understanding regarding strong male leadership and female submission, which only makes this issue more dangerous. During my Christian college experience, I knew a lot of “great Christian guys” who were total sleazes toward their girlfriends. And I know way too many Christian girls who have experienced such unacceptable behavior.

As a father, I think of my daughter and cringe. Trying to even imagine my daughter being violated by some boy brings a righteous anger within me. Imagine how God must feel when this happens to one of his children. He sees every rape. As a Father, he is there to comfort, heal, and mend that which has been broken. I hope and pray that you will feel God’s healing presence in the days ahead.

I’ve seen some pretty racy music videos lately. Do you think kids should even listen to music that isn’t specifically Christian, since many of the videos are so bad?

If this is your biggest concern, you can take a deep breath and relax. Just make sure you don’t play any music backwards—we’ve heard it could be Satanic!

There are some Christians who think any music that doesn’t say “Jesus” is bad. Music is everywhere, and we love a lot of music you will never hear in a church. Just because the lyrics are not about Jesus doesn’t mean we shouldn’t let ourselves enjoy it.

However, a lot of the music videos on MTV and the music played on the radio are foul, inappropriate, and all about sex. When I was in seventh grade, my youth pastor took away my Van Halen tape. I got so mad that I didn’t go back to church for a few years. But it did make me think more about the stuff I was listening to.

Fortunately, there are more great music groups for you to listen to today. Some of the music we would recommend includes PAX 217, Paul Wright, Subseven, Pillar, Jason Harwell, Number One Gun, Blindside, P.O.D., and Switchfoot.

It isn’t practical to think you will only listen to Christian music. If that is your view, you need to throw out “Happy Birthday” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” as well. Obviously, those are extreme examples, but the point remains the same.

What do you think about tattoos?

We think tattoos are an individual’s preference. We would strongly advise you not to put the name of any girlfriend or boyfriend on your body. I know you might be deeply and madly in love now, but don’t do it. Millions of people have made this mistake over the centuries, and they have experienced very painful surgery to remove the name of their exes from their bodies.

But beyond the trendy social risk of tattoos, if you are a teenager, consider your parents’ perspective. The bigger issue is whether or not you are able to honor your parents’ desires by getting a tattoo. The Bible does not say, “Thou shall not get a tattoo.” But it does say that your body is not your own, it’s God’s (1 Corinthians 6:19). It also says to honor your mother and father (Exodus 20:12). So with that in mind, decide what is best for you and for your family.

Should Christians get their nipples, tongue, or belly button pierced?

If you want to experience tremendous amounts of pain, go for it. However, we would recommend taking out the nose ring anytime grandma comes to visit. She won’t dig it. Trust us.

As far as your nipples and other private parts—unless you’re going to do it yourself, or wait till you are married and have your spouse do it for you, we’re not sure it’s the best decision. We really can’t imagine Jesus being real excited about some big sweaty guy giving you a “Prince Albert” or touching your other private parts just so you can have that piercing you’ve always wanted “down there.”

Secondly, consider motive. Let’s take the pierced belly button. What’s the motive? Most would say, “It’s fashionably cool.” But the deeper issue is to draw attention to the midriff. A girl who pierces her belly button and puts a sparkly diamond there is screaming, “LOOK AT MY BODY! I AM AN OBJECT!” In return, a guy ganders at the midriff and then finds himself peeping in on the bare tummy. In most guys, thought builds upon thought and a fantasy develops. So it’s not good for you or for others.

In our opinion, a godly female-

a. Was not designed to be an object,

b. Is not doing the right thing by leading guys’ thoughts down the wrong path, and

c. Would not be so lacking in self-esteem that she needed to be admired in that way.

Having said all that, let me clarify. If someone you know already has piercings, don’t judge them or assume you know their motive(s) for getting pierced. If you have piercings, don’t judge yourself—even if it’s a decision you now regret. And if you struggle with liking the feeling that guys are going gaga because of your pierced belly button, then ask God to redefine your self-image.