She slid out of his arms.
“What?”
“Here’s the thing, Brad.” Macy paced away from him, and she hated the sudden distance between them, but needed it to do what must be done. “I told myself when Brian was put in prison that I wouldn’t settle for anything less than I deserved.”
“Sure, and you shouldn’t.”
She could see the wariness in his eyes now, as he wondered what she was talking about. He was such a beautiful man. Tall, tanned, and sexy as hell. Her heart seemed to thud a little harder when he was near, but it wasn’t enough, not now.
Tonight he had shown her again the man he was. Comforted and protected her because of those photos.
“I’ve begun to have feelings for you, Brad, and I know Billy does too, but we both know that you’re not ready to reciprocate, if you ever will be.”
“I’ve only known you a few weeks, Macy. I’m not sure what you’re asking of me.”
“I’m not asking anything of you, Brad. We both made it clear that this was a short-term thing. I get that, but I’ve realized that with you it’s different. I mean,” she waved a hand at him as he tried to close the distance between them, “it could simply be that you’re the first man to show me attention, and be nice to me, and that’s why I feel about you like I do.” She was lying of course, Macy knew she loved this man. It was a real love, and she doubted another man would ever touch her heart like Brad did.
“That’s not very flattering.” The frown turned to a scowl. “You think you care about me because I was the first man to be nice to you since that asshole?”
“We’re moving off the point,” Macy said as the knots in her stomach tightened.
“I don’t know what the point is.” He gritted the words out between his teeth.
“Don’t get angry with me.”
“Then say what you want to say, and stop delaying.”
“I’m not delaying, I’m trying to explain.”
His eyes narrowed as he focused, and she felt the old Macy rise up inside her. Easily intimidated, scared, and someone who would back down in a heartbeat. But she wasn’t that Macy anymore, she reminded herself. Brad had told her she was strong, and tonight she needed to be.
“Spit it out then.”
“This,” she said softly, “us, it’s wonderful, but it’s time to end it. I can’t do this anymore, Brad, because I care about you, and I don’t want to get hurt when you leave. Billy too. I don’t want him hurt either.”
“Why does it have to get complicated? We like each other, we certainly get on well, especially in bed—”
“Don’t bring that into it. This is about feelings, not that.”
“Sex?” he said, looking angry now. “Sex is part of what is good between us.”
It’s more than sex, she thought. Way more, but she wasn’t saying those words out loud.
“But I want more.”
“I thought you said you didn’t want more.”
Macy huffed out a sigh. “I know I did, and I thought I could stay uninvolved emotionally, but I can’t. So it needs to stop, Brad. We can be friends, but no more of the rest of it.”
“The rest of it? Are you talking about kindness, caring, support?”
“Brad, you’re deliberately not understanding what I’m trying to say. This wouldn’t have happened before dad died, but his death brought you close again, and I should not have let that happen.”
He raked a hand through his hair and looked the hotter for it… bastard. Macy bet he’d never had an ugly day in his life.
“I like being with you and Billy.”
She needed to ask the question. It was the only way to cut through all the crap and get to what needed to be said. It would scare him, and then she could sit a corner and lick her wounds and tell herself she was an idiot when he ran for the hills.
“Do you love me, Brad?”
The shock on his face would have made her laugh if she could manage it.
“Wh-what?”
She didn’t speak.
“I-I care about you, of course.”
“Well I love you, Brad Gelderman, so you can see how messy that makes things. Therefore, I want to call this to a halt before I can’t.”
“Can’t?”
He hadn’t expected her declaration, and to be honest she hadn’t intended on saying how she felt, but then she thought about what she’d promised herself when the fog of her marriage to Brian had cleared. Be true to yourself, be honest, and say how you feel. It didn’t always work, but right now she realized that the truth was the only possible way forward.
“I love you, Brad, but I know you can’t return those feelings right now, so I need to call a halt to this before I get in any deeper. So, thanks for being there when I needed you, and I hope we can still be friends.”
“Th-thanks?”
Not many people had told this man they loved him, Macy understood that, could see it in the way his body had tensed. Maybe in telling him she’d start him thinking, and then maybe, just maybe he’d realize he was worth loving, and that he cared for her too.
“Can I ask you one more thing before you leave, Brad?”
He managed a jerky nod.
“Do you love yourself?”
“I—what?”
“Until you do, you can’t love anyone else.”
“Don’t psychoanalyze me, Macy, I don’t need or want it. I know who I am, and what I want—”
“And you don’t want my love, I get that.” Macy ignored the arrow of pain in her chest.
“Don’t put words in my mouth!”
He was getting angry now. Angry, and she suspected frustrated with what she was forcing him to face.
“Have you ever behaved with another woman as you have with me?”
“Don’t try and tie me up in knots with words, Macy. I care for you, but I’ve cared for plenty of other women too.”
That hurt.
“I felt sorry for you, so I looked out for you—”
“Sorry!” Macy hadn’t meant to raise her voice, but she had. “Don’t you dare lie and say this was about sorry, or pity, or whatever the hell else you’re trying to rationalize the feelings you have for me. Man up and see them for what they are, Brad.”
His jaw clenched.
“I don’t need this shit from you. I thought we were friends, but I can see now you’re like the other women. Always trying to get something from me I don’t have to give.”
“Go.” She pointed at the door. “Get out before we say more hurtful things to each other.”
“Macy—”
“Get out.”
He didn’t hesitate again, his long stride taking him from her house seconds later.
“It shouldn’t hurt so much this time,” she reminded herself after the door had closed.
After Brian, she’d been numb, the pain in her body and insides pushed aside in the numbing fog that had consumed her. Of course she hadn’t loved her ex for many years before it was over. This time, however, she did love Brad, and the hurt was different, but she would not let it consume her, nor would it change the person she had become. She clung to the foolish hope that one day Brad Gelderman would love her back, because while he was the first man she’d loved since Brian, she had a bad feeling he’d be the last. What she felt for him was deep and raw, and it consumed all corners of her body.
“You should be pleased you can feel again,” Macy reminded herself as she made her way upstairs. Pleased that him coming into her life had showed her how to love and how to be strong.
She checked on Billy, who slept deeply after his night of excitement, then headed for her room. Once there, she washed and climbed into bed.
Weirdly, the most disturbing thoughts in her head were not of the photos Brian had sent her, but her last memory of Brad’s face before he’d left her. He was hurting and yet didn’t understand why. Or did he understand but wasn’t ready to acknowledge it?
“Be happy, Brad,” she whispered into the darkness before she let fatigue take her under. Tomorrow she’d be strong, and the next day too. And when she heard he’d left Howling, she’d keep her tears confined to this room.
Brad had reached the end of the street before he realized it.
What the hell had just happened? What the hell had stopped him from telling her that he cared too?
He headed for the cabin in long angry strides.
She loved him. Why had those words scared him so much? Macy had just stood there, looking so fucking sweet he’d wanted to hold her, and told him she loved him, and that he needed to learn to love himself.
“Seriously?”
Picking up the pace, he was soon jogging along the road out of town. He needed the exercise. Anything to clear his head so he could think straight.
He’d thought he’d come around to liking himself, believed he’d taken huge leaps in turning himself into someone he could respect, and yet she wanted him to love himself. Because until he did, he couldn’t love anyone else.
“Whatever the fuck that means.”
“You swearing at anyone in particular?”
Brad stumbled, then righted himself as Newman drew alongside him.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Running, like you, al-although your pace is a bit fierce. C-can we pull it back?”
Brad eased back.
“I like to walk about in the dark, always have since I was old enough to be allowed,” Newman said.
“You’re weird.”
“You’re Texan, so ditto.”
Brad snorted, and thought that he should think it strange to be running down the road in the dark with his brother’s friend, but it wasn’t. This was Howling after all, they did weird here.
“Macy okay?”
“Sure.”
“We know something went down, but not what. Cubby just said it was nasty, and that piece-of-shit ex of hers was behind it.”
Brad grunted.
“So thanks.”
“For what?”
“Looking out for her. And you have our permission.”
“For what?”
“For you and her to get loved up.”
He ran a few paces before he answered that.
“Not going to happen.”
“It should. You guys are a good fit, but if you’re too dumb to see that, then that’s your problem.”
“Fuck you.”
“Whatever. Night.”
Brad watched Newman jog off down the road as he turned into the cabin’s driveway.
“This place is just plain crazy,” he muttered, running up.
He made coffee, because there was no way in hell he was sleeping much tonight, then sat and brooded. When his phone rang several hours later, he pulled it out of his pocket and noted the time was 1:30 a.m. He didn’t recognize the number.
“Hello.”
“There is a piece of land on the right, as you look out at the lake. A resort would go nice there too. There’s another under that mountain directly ahead. Maybe harder to acquire, but money usually seals any deal.”
His father’s voice had its usual effect on him, but Brad made sure his sounded even and steady when he spoke. He’d had years of practice hiding his reactions.
“The authorities will never allow you to build what you’re proposing.”
“You sure about that?
He wasn’t, because his father had enough money to make most things he wanted happen.
“What do you want, EG?”
“Had a nice night with your brother and that little whore.”
“Be very careful, EG, I’ll take your insults about me, but not anyone I care about, and that includes Ethan, Annabelle, and Macy.”
“You don’t get to warn me, son.”
“Then this conversation is done.”
“I’ll stop the Buchanan development, and anything else, on one condition.”
Brad had known there must be a strong reason for his father’s call; he would never have made the connection otherwise. EG had people to do that for him.
“I’m not interested in anything you have to say.”
His heart was thumping, his palms felt sweaty, and hated that his father could still drag this kind of reaction out of him. Hated how his body betrayed him.
“Then I will buy up any and all land I can find in Howling. I’ll put a brothel right next to that house your girl lives in!”
“Why?”
“Because I need you to come home and take over from me when the time comes.”
Brad’s laugh held no humor. “You’ll be there for years, and there is no way in hell I want to be in that house, or anywhere near you again.”
“Then I’ll destroy everything you care about.”
“Why, for fuck’s sake!” Brad lost his temper. “You don’t give a shit about me. Train some other monkey to do your business.”
“No, everything should go to one of my sons when I’m gone. Ethan knows nothing about the business, and I don’t want him here. You, however, I want.”
He knew what his father was capable of. Knew that his threats were real.
“I’ll destroy that pathetic town if you don’t come home.”
Brad felt the hopelessness well up inside him. The noose around his neck that he’d managed to slip out of was once again in place.
“You have four days. If you haven’t returned home by then, I’ll start doing what I promised.”
His father disconnected the call before he could say another word, and Brad got up and went to the coffeepot. Pouring another one, he took it outside to wait for the sun to rise.
He packed his stuff at five in the morning and put the cabin to rights. He managed to catch some sleep until eight, and then climbed on his bike and headed to Ethan’s house. He’d realized as he’d spent those long hours thinking that he had no choice but to do as his father asked. He’d spent hours covering every scenario, but they all led back to that fact that he couldn’t let his father destroy Howling and the surrounding countryside. He had to go back, and the thought made him feel ill.
Annabelle appeared on the deck above him in her nurse uniform.
“You want coffee?”
“No, I’m good thanks.”
“If you’re looking for your brother, he’s at Jake’s, playing with something that makes a vroom vroom noise.”
“I’ll head over there now, but before I do, I wanted to say good-bye to you.”
She started down the stairs at his words.
“Where you going?”
“I’m leaving, Annabelle. It’s for the best.”
“Whose best?” She didn’t stop until she was beside his bike.
“It’s just something that has to be done.”
She studied him. “What’s going on, Brad?”
“Nothing, I just need to leave.” His chest hurt. Even drawing in a breath was painful. He hadn’t realized he was panicking until right at that moment. It was flooding his body, and he couldn’t stop it.
He didn’t want to leave. Funny how that thought came to him now. He wanted to stay here with his brother, his new sister and friends, but most of all he wanted to stay here with Macy and Billy.
Nice timing, bud.
Funny how it took his father to shake that confession out of him. He loved Macy, and thank God he hadn’t told her that, because that would make his leaving even harder.
“No, you don’t, you want to stay,” Annabelle said softly, and then she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close, and it was all Brad could do not to let the tears he felt stinging behind his eyelids fall.
He let her hold him until he’d got his shit together, and then eased back.
“I’ll come back, I promise.”
“If you don’t, we’re coming to get you.”
“Don’t cry for me, Annabelle.” Brad hated to see the tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m okay, really.”
“I need you to know something before you run, Brad, and I want you to listen carefully, okay?”
He nodded and then she cupped his cheeks.
“You are a good man. A man I trust, a man I love, but most of all I can never thank you enough for filling the hole that leaving you left in my husband’s heart. Know that you always have a home here, and when you’re done doing what you believe you must, then come back here and settle with us.”
He couldn’t manage words, so he simply nodded, and then taking her hand he squeezed it hard before turning his bike around and leaving her behind.
He rode, letting the wind dry his tears, and wondered what fates had combined to force him back to the man he hated when he had finally found a place to lay his heart.
Why had he taken so long to stop fighting what he felt?
The old Brad would have left without saying good-bye, but he owed Ethan more than that. So he forced some deep breaths into his lungs and tried to regroup. He’d been good at hiding once; he was relying on that skill now.
He found his brother in the barn with Jake.
“Hi.”
They turned as one, and Ethan’s smile made him swallow. It was genuine and welcoming, and he felt it again, the pull of need he’d battled with after Ethan had left him behind. Now it was he who would be leaving him.
“Got a minute?” Brad kept his voice light.
“Sure, what’s up?”
Brad looked at Jake and the man took the hint and headed to the rear of the shed.
“Want a soda?”
Brad nodded, as did Ethan. The smile fell away from his brother’s eyes as he studied him.
“Brad, what’s going on?”
“I have to leave today.”
“Why?”
“It’s time.” Brad had vowed not to lie anymore after leaving home, and here he was about to do exactly that to someone he cared about. He loved this man now, and Ethan deserved better from Brad. But he couldn’t tell him his reasons for leaving, because then he’d confront EG, and his father wouldn’t back off. Brad wouldn’t see Ethan and Annabelle hurt.
“Suddenly it’s time?”
Brad nodded.
“No.” He shook his head. “There’s more to this. Tell me the truth. I saw you yesterday, and you were happy, in fact I thought you were the happiest I’d ever seen you. This business with Macy notwithstanding, but I thought you and she—”
“I was, I am, I feel great,” Brad cut him off. He didn’t want to think about Macy.
“Sure as shit don’t sound great,” Jake said, reappearing. He handed out the sodas and Brad opened his and drank deep. His throat felt raw.
“Don’t make more of this than needs to be made, Ethan. I’ve been here too long, now it’s time to go.”
“You’re lying to me. There’s more to this.” His brother stepped closer. Jake, however, just stood back and watched.
“How the hell do you know what I’m thinking?” Brad felt his anger spike. The hopelessness of the situation felt like it was choking him. He wanted to go at someone and his brother was handy. “You don’t know shit about me.”
“I know when something is not sitting right with you.”
“Just leave it.” Brad tried to rein in his anger.
“No. You’re not telling me something and I want to know what.”
Ethan’s eyes were steady on him, and Brad felt his fuse blow.
“So now you want to know about me, when before you didn’t give a shit! Well fuck you, big brother, I don’t need you.” The red haze he was looking through was focused on his brother, and he battled with it. Battled with the need to walk out the door before he did something he’d regret.
“I think you need to back it up and start talking.”
“Think whatever you want, but I’m leaving now, today.” Brad turned away, needing to put some space between him and his brother, but Ethan wasn’t having that, and grabbed his shoulder.
“What the fuck!”
Ethan dodged as Brad swung at him, catching the edge of his jaw.
“Back the fuck off!” Brad roared. He could feel the anger coursing through his body. He loved Macy. Mark was dead. And now his father was forcing him to return to the place he loathed. He felt irrational and out of control.
“No!” Ethan punched him hard in the stomach, and the wind left his body, but he had enough remaining to dive tackle his brother to the ground.
“The others are going to be mighty pissed they missed this. We’ve been talking about who’s the strongest out of you two.”
Brad heard Jake’s voice, but he wasn’t done yet. His anger and pain finally had an outlet, and he was taking it.
They were wrestling now; one minute Ethan had him pinned, the next he had him down. He took a fist to the jaw and managed to get a good jab in of his own. The cold water was a hell of a shock, and had them springing apart.
“Entertaining as this is, it’s time for you both to stop before some of those punches do serious damage.”
Brad reeled back and then rolled onto his back, breath heaving in and out of his chest. He was covered in water, and looking up he saw it had come from a bucket that Jake still held.
“I’m a doctor. If either of you idiots get hurt, I have to fix it. Hippocratic oath and all that shit.”
His jaw hurt and his ribs were aching; obviously Ethan had got a few more punches in than he’d realized. He made himself look at his brother, who was sitting now. His jaw was starting to swell, and his hair stood off his head.
“Shit.” Brad ran a hand over his face.
“Probably long overdue.” Ethan got to his feet and held out his hand. Brad took it and stood. “Now you have the anger and whatever else you got rolling around inside you out, maybe you’d care to tell me what the hell is going on?”
Jake wandered away again, while Brad wondered how the hell he could get out of here without telling his brother the truth.
“I didn’t mean to hit you; you were just handy.”
“Damned pleased I wasn’t.” Jake returned with two ice packs. He handed one to Ethan and the other to Brad.
“Only a doctor would have ice packs in his beer fridge.” Ethan grunted as he rested it on his face. “Annabelle’s gonna kick you good for doing this to me.”
“I need to go, Ethan. It’s important to a whole lot of people, and you need to let me.” Brad decided on a half-truth, because he knew his brother wasn’t letting him leave without something substantial.
“Why?”
“Can we just leave it at see ya?” Brad rotated the ice pack around his jaw, his thoughts circling back to Macy as they had every minute since she’d told him she loved him.
Macy loved him.
God he missed her, and he hadn’t even left yet. The pain in his jaw was only surpassed by the ache in his chest. So this was love, he thought. She’d sneaked into his heart without him realizing it. Her and Billy.
“Nope, not going to happen, and here’s the kicker, bud. You’re my little brother, and I love you, and surprisingly, even though you’ve only been in Howling a few weeks, I have a good read on you. And whatever this shit is, it’s bad. Is it Macy?”
“Do we have to do the love thing again? You pull that out when you want to win arguments, Ethan. It’s emotional bribery,” Jake drawled, and took a swig of his soda.
“He’s making up for lost time.” Surprisingly, Brad felt a need to defend his brother. “And no, it’s not about Macy.”
“Okay, so it’s not Macy. So spill, because you’re not leaving until you do.”
“I could just walk out that door.”
“You could try, but between Jake and me, we’ll keep you here.”
Brad looked from Ethan to Jake. McBride had the same look as his brother.
“I happen to think Ethan’s right, Brad. Whatever’s riding you is not good.”
He could possibly fight his way out, but then he knew Ethan well enough to know he’d follow when he left. The sigh hurt his ribs.
“Before I tell you, you need to know I’m going and you’re not.” Brad gave his brother a steady look, which he returned.
“We’ll see. Go on.”
“EG called me.”
“What? Why?”
“He wants me to go back, said he would do everything in his power to ruin Howling and any surrounding countryside he could get his hands on if I didn’t.”
“Fucker!”
Jake whistled. “He sure is a peach, that daddy of yours.”
“He can’t hurt us, Brad, and you’re not going.”
“Don’t be naïve, Ethan, of course he can hurt you and this town, and he will.”
“So what? You’re like a sacrificial lamb or something?”
“It’s not like it’s a bad life, don’t be dramatic. The biggest obstacle will be having contact with him, but I’ll cope.” Brad shrugged and tried to act like it was no big deal, when in fact it was. He would be turning his back on the man he’d become, the man he still wanted to be.
“I won’t let him hurt her, and this, damaging the place she loves, will cause her pain.”
“Her?”
“He knows about Macy… called her a whore. Knows I… shit, he just knows, okay.” Brad wasn’t ready to open that particular vein in front of his brother and friend.
Ethan stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.
“No.” Brad reached for it. “You can’t contact him. I need to go, this has to stop.”
“You are not sacrificing yourself for me or this town. We’ll work it out another way,” Ethan said.
“No!” Brad grabbed his brother and hugged him hard. “Leave it alone, Ethan, and I… ah, I love you.”
Brad turned and ran. He didn’t stop until he was on his bike. Firing it up, he roared down Jake’s driveway without looking back.