ESSIE’S TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY arrived with a predictability that left her gunning for a fight. At first, the card on the mat, addressed with an airmail sticker and recognisable handwriting, sent familiar chills down her bare arms and legs. But reading the dismissive, one-line greeting from her father fired her determination—today was the first day of the rest of her life.
A new Essie rose from the ashes. One who’d learned valuable lessons from the way she’d treated Ash. Yes, she’d hurt him and lost him—he’d already retreated behind the walls he’d constructed long ago, the defences she’d helped to refortify.
But Ash, and to some degree Ben, had taught her something. In loving Ash, she fully understood herself worthy of love in return. She wanted his love, even though she could survive without it. She had all the theory, and now the confidence in her ability to practise and live an authentic life. Not sit and wait for the scraps others tossed her way.
She took the annual cheque—her father’s way of appeasing his own demons for his life choices and one she’d resolutely rejected since her fifteenth birthday—and tore it in two. With the birthday ritual complete, she dropped both halves and the card into the bin, donned her sunglasses and left for the Tube station, her step lighter.
Half an hour later she waltzed into The Yard to find Ben and Ash drinking coffee together at the bar.
Her feet stalled for a brief second as Ash’s eyes landed on her. She’d wronged him, hurt him in the worst way. He might not be able to love her in return, but she was done apologising for loving him.
‘Good. You’re both here. I need to speak to you.’ Essie stood before them, clutching the straps of her backpack.
Two sets of wide, wary eyes followed her—one so like her own, her insides trembled—and what she’d come to say clogged in her throat. The other so blue, she imagined she could see inside Ash, to his deepest darkest fears. And maybe she could. Maybe she’d always been able to. But she couldn’t see what she wanted to see.
She’d messed up, but she’d survive.
All humans shared the same basic longings—safety, love, acceptance. She deserved those things and so did Ash. But it was too late for him to find them with her. She’d ruined what tiny chance they’d had.
Essie turned her burning eyes away from Ash and focussed on her brother, her chin lifted. Slipping the backpack from her shoulder, she retrieved the letter she’d composed at six a.m. this morning after writing her latest blog post on the importance of self-love, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, and handed it over to a puzzled Ben.
She cleared her throat. ‘I’m handing in my notice.’
Ben took the envelope with a wince. Essie ploughed on—she needed to get all she wanted to say out, before emotion paralysed her vocal cords. Because she was done being needy. Done waiting for other people’s approval. Done with scientific theory.
She would survive the practice and emerge improved, wiser, unstoppable.
Her bruised heart would heal eventually.
Essie cleared her throat. ‘As we only had a verbal contract, I won’t be working that notice, but you’ll be fine without me.’ Ash could wax lyrical on the ins and out of employment law as long as he liked. They wouldn’t force her to stay. And Ben didn’t really need her. His clubs were well-oiled machines. She suspected he’d offered her the job as some sort of olive branch, and she loved that he’d tried to make amends for their father.
‘I know you only employed me because you somehow felt responsible for what Frank did. But there’s no need. If you’re short-staffed, I recommend promoting Josh to my position as manager, until you find someone permanent. He’s way more qualified than I am anyway.’
She flicked her stare to Ash, her lungs on fire and pressure building behind her eyes so she was tempted to don the sunglasses. How long would it take him to replace her in his bed? Would he even bother? Perhaps he’d go back to his lonely one-night rule. She loved him enough to want more than that for him, even when, because of her foolish actions, it couldn’t be her.
‘Essie,’ said Ben.
She held up her hand. She needed to say everything she’d come here to say. ‘Going forward, I want us to have a real relationship. We have a chance to build a lasting bond, away from the usual influences of childhood sibling rivalry. I don’t resent you for getting a phone before me or being allowed to stay up later and you never had to play dress-ups with me or read me dumb stories.’
He grinned, giving her the courage to continue.
‘If you want to be a part of my life like I want to be a part of yours—’ her breath caught, but she sucked in air through her nostrils, fighting the burn behind her eyes ‘—you’ll meet me halfway.’
She shrugged, her whole body buzzing with renewed energy.
Ben nodded, his eyes sliding to Ash. ‘Of course I want that.’ He reached for her hand and squeezed her fingers. ‘But what will you do without a job?’
She squeezed back. ‘I have plenty to do. I want to put more time into promoting my blog to wider audiences, and I’m thinking of writing a book. It turns out I have something valuable to say about relationships. I’m a bit of an expert in the field, actually.’ She winked at him. ‘You know you’re damned lucky I’m your sister, don’t you?’
She swung her backpack onto her shoulder and offered a beaming Ben a small smile. She loved him. Always would. But her happiness was her responsibility—no more waiting around for someone else’s acceptance or approval. No more settling.
And Ash...
Her eyes stung and she blinked away the burn.
Well, that was over. She’d hurt him, and he couldn’t love her back. But she’d meant what she’d said to him last night.
Her vocal cords constricted, almost choking off her newfound bravery.
As if sensing the private moment, Ben muttered something about making an important phone call and disappeared.
Part of Essie wanted to follow him. But it was time to own her mistakes and her feelings.
His expression was closed off, wary. The last shred of hope inside her withered and died. ‘I know I messed up. I’m truly sorry I hurt you and I hope one day you can forgive me.’
Her voice broke, but she smiled through the scalding heat behind her eyes. ‘But more importantly, and I’m saying this because I love you and I want you to be happy, I hope one day you’ll want more with someone. You deserve more.’
He swallowed, his jaw bunched. Her hand itched to touch him, to feel the silk of his hair or the scrape of his scruff. She dug her nails into her palm and looked down, her own vision swimming. ‘I allowed what my father did to hold me back but I’m done with that. Don’t let yours hold you back, Ash.’
With a final, slightly wobbly smile, she turned her back on the man she loved and made her way out into the sun of a new day.
* * *
‘What did she say?’ Ben joined Ash at the window, where he’d moved to stare after a retreating Essie.
He shrugged, his lungs too big for his chest as he grinned at his friend. ‘She’s magnificent, isn’t she?’
Every nerve, every muscle, every impulse in him fired, urging him to chase after her. He’d missed her beautiful, ready smile, her effervescent personality and her dirty laughter over one of her own jokes. But he’d put paid to her trust with his bastard move last night. He had no intention of suing her. He’d been angry. He’d lashed out.
Asshole.
Now he had something his friend needed to hear.
‘I love her.’
Ben swivelled to face him. ‘Of course you do. Dickhead.’ He thumped Ash’s shoulder, making his point.
Ash sighed, a wistful smile tugging his mouth. He’d been blind long enough. ‘I allowed my hang-ups to cloud my judgment. You don’t need me to tell you she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. To both of us.’
Ben nodded, still looking a little dazed by his sister’s declarations. ‘What are you going to do?’
Ash retraced his steps, his restless limbs unable to stand still for a minute longer, and tossed a note on the bar to cover the coffees. ‘I’m going to do what I should have done at the wedding. I’m going to fight for her.’
Ben nodded. ‘You’d better not hurt my sister again.’
Ash shook his head, his mouth pulled to a grim line. ‘I will. I’m a fuck-up. But she’ll put me right.’ He grinned. ‘Just like she did you.’
Ben nodded, another incredulous smile tugging his mouth.
Ash released a long sigh. ‘Now, I’m going to say the same thing to you. You’d better always be there for my woman when she needs you. You’re the man of her family—time to step up.’
Eyes rounded, Ben nodded. Then he grinned. ‘Looks like we both have some ground to make up.’ He reached out his hand and Ash shook on it.
‘Good luck,’ they said in unison.