As it turned out, hurtling towards the ground in a highly explosive airship was pretty strong motivation when it came to farting. Fuelled by the sprouts the trolls parped and trumpeted for all they were worth, and slowly the pressure in the balloon began to build.
But still the airship dropped.
“Two hundred metres,” cried Ben, his eyes fixed on one of the few remaining instruments on the control panel. “One hundred and fifty metres. We’re slowing, but we’re not going to stop!”
“The cabbage!” shouted Scumbo from the back of the room. “Feed me the cabbage!”
“Wesley, go!” Paradise barked, just as the wizard reached the top of the stairs.
“What? How come I have to do it?”
“Just hurry up!”
Grumbling, Wesley hurried off to shove cabbage in Scumbo’s revolting mouth, being careful not to accidentally stick an arm in.
“Seventy metres,” Ben said.
“We’re not going to make it!” cried Paradise.
“We’re not done for yet,” Ben told her. He joined her at the wheel and they heaved with all their might. The nose of the balloon tilted upwards a fraction, but they were still spinning down, down, down towards a particularly loud and messy death.
“There,” said Wesley. “I fed him the cabbage, now can I please—”
A sound like a sonic boom erupted from the far end of the room. It blew Wesley off his feet and roared up through the brass pipework. The airship lurched.
“Twenty metres,” Ben hissed. The tops of the trees were not far below them now. Any moment they would smash down into them, and everything would be over.
A second cabbagey rumble emerged from Scumbo, then a third. The ship jerked and jolted and bounced around in the air. Paradise gaped at the control panel, barely able to believe what she was seeing.
“Still at twenty metres,” she gasped. “Pressure’s holding. We did it! We stopped!”
“You’re welcome,” called Scumbo, as another parp lifted the airship several metres higher in the sky.
Ben sagged down and let out a sigh of relief. His glove tingled gently as he stepped back from the wheel. “Well then,” he said with a shaky smile. “Let’s go home.”
The whole of Lump and Loosh had gathered to watch as the airship bumped down just outside the village boundary. At first there had been panic as the door had opened and dozens of trolls had piled out – particularly from Mr Asquith the baker, who had already lost three limbs to a troll and had grown really quite attached to the fourth one.
But then a cheer had gone up as Paradise and Ben had appeared. Wesley raced past his friends, then spent a few minutes hugging the ground and crying. None of the villagers were entirely sure what they were cheering about, but the sheer spectacle of the thing made it difficult not to get a bit carried away.
Tavish smiled proudly at Ben as he and Paradise approached. “So the Pedal-Driven Feather-Based Vertical Transport Device worked, then?”
“It did,” Ben said. “Although I prefer Flycycle.”
Tavish tutted. “Flycycle? That’s just silly.” He looked around. “Where is it?”
Ben shifted uncomfortably. “Um yes. About that…”
“Where’s the mayor?” asked Paradise, stretching on her tiptoes to see over the crowd.
Tavish shrugged. “Hmm? No idea,” he said. “I haven’t seen him since—”
“Here I am, my dear,” said the mayor, pushing his way through the crowd. Paradise threw her arms around him in a hug and just for a moment Ben thought he saw a flicker of pain on the mayor’s face.
“Well, you’ve had quite an eventful night, it seems,” he said, when Paradise had pulled away. “You must be exhausted.”
“You can say that again,” Paradise said.
“Yeah, I could sleep for a week,” agreed Ben.
Tavish looked at his pocket watch. “It’s a shame that school’s starting in under an hour,” he said. “You’ve been out all night.”
Ben’s eyes widened in horror. “What? But—”
“No way!” yelped Paradise.
“Mr Tavish is right,” laughed the mayor. “Education is so important, don’t you think? You run along to class. I’ll look forward to hearing all about it at the end of the day.” He turned Ben’s way just as a shadow passed across his face. “All about it,” he said, and Ben felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
“Come on,” Ben told Paradise. “Let’s get Wesley and get this over with.”
Keeping one eye on the mayor, Ben led Paradise over to where the wizard still clung to the grass. Taking an arm each they hoisted him to his feet.
Behind them, a hairy figure in a jester’s hat stepped out of the airship and on to the ramp.
Scumbo breathed deeply in through his nostrils and raised his arms to the sky.
“Best game of Fart or Death ever!” he cried, then he danced down the ramp to join the other trolls. “Now then,” he said, to no one in particular. “I think I’ll go see if I can fix up my old bridge.”
Ben and Paradise watched the troll trot off on his merry way.
“Oh, Paradise, I forgot to say…” began Ben.
“What?”
“Saved your life!” he said, then he smiled, heaved Wesley up over one shoulder, and they all set off for school.
