Foreword

I’ve been telling my three kids the same bedtime story for years. One night my daughter wouldn’t go to sleep. The usual books and songs weren’t working. I was exhausted and couldn’t deal with another meltdown. So, in a moment of desperation, I riffed on a story I’d heard somewhere. It went something like this: three little girls (whom I called Molly, Rose and Ethan) were walking home from school. There was a boulder in the road. They moved it. Under the boulder was a pot of gold. A leprechaun appeared and said that they could keep the pot of gold because dozens of people had passed and cursed the boulder, but none had actually moved it. The sisters were rewarded for their acts of kindness and justice. The girls were poor and now they were rich. The end. My daughter was delighted. Happy ending. Sleeping kid. I’ve made up hundreds of stories about the adventures of these three girls because they work. At the end of every story my kids are happy to go to sleep. And as any parent will tell you, that moment at the end of a long day when your child falls asleep is a blissful moment.

The thing about finding something that works is that even if you have loads of reasons why you should stop, it can be really hard to stop. Would it be better for my kids to fall asleep on their own? Probably. Should I be telling them increasingly fantastical stories about three rich girls who can do whatever they want? Probably not. But when I’m tired and can’t handle the emotional overwhelm of tired screaming kids, I do what works. We all do.

The thing about self-harm is that it works: it distracts, it releases, it hides. For some, self-harm keeps away thoughts of suicide. You might have hurt yourself on impulse one day because things were so intense that you had to do something to make it stop. You didn’t think you would do it again. But you did. And now, even though you can think of loads of reasons why you shouldn’t, it is something you do because it works. It deals with that situation like nothing else.

But here’s the other thing about self-harm: it doesn’t work in the long run. There is a lot of research that says that youth who engage in non-suicidal self-injury over a long period of time are at higher risk for suicide (Whitlock et al., 2013)1. Youth who self-injure and who report depression and substance abuse are at particular risk for suicide attempt (Jenkins, Singer, Conner, et al., 2014)2. I’m not sharing this information to scare you. The fact that you’re reading this book probably means you don’t need to be scared. You probably want to stop, or you want to help someone who is self-harming. This book will help. Pooky has great insight into the who, what, why, when and how of self-harm. She presents it with compassion and without judgement.

I’m sure there will come a time when my kids won’t ask for a “Molly, Rose and Ethan” story. I’m sure there will come a time when they age out of the sleep-inducing adventures of these three girls (just as most kids age out of self-harm behavior). But since they are 5 and 9, it won’t be for several years. What I do know is that Pooky’s book will help you long before that. Instead of years, you’ll get the information you need to make changes in a matter of days. Pooky spells out why and how you can create a safety plan, get support and manage those overwhelming feelings. She acknowledges that overcoming self-harming behaviors will be easier some days and harder others. If you’re ready to take that first step, this book is an excellent start. For those of you who are already on your way, this book is a great companion on your journey. Finally, if someone you love is self-harming, and you want to understand why and what you can do, this book is for you.

Jonathan B. Singer is a clinical social worker, researcher and associate professor of social work at Loyola University Chicago. He has dedicated his 20-year career to working with families in crisis. He has 50 publications, including the co-authored book Suicide in Schools. He is the founder and host of the award-winning podcast series, the Social Work Podcast.

1 Whitlock, J., Muehlenkamp, J. J., Eckenrode, J., Purington, A., Baral Abrams, G., Barreira, P., and Kress, V. (2013). Nonsuicidal self-injury as a gateway to suicide in young adults. Journal of Adolescent Health, 52(4), 486–492. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.09.010

2 Jenkins, A. L., Singer, J. B., Conner, B. T., Calhoun, S., and Diamond, G. (2014). Risk for suicidal ideation and attempt among a primary care sample of adolescents engaging in nonsuicidal self-injury. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, n/a-n/a. https://doi.org/10.1111/sltb.12094