ACT I, SCENE 5

The batboy comes out and gives Tiny a new button, which reads AGE: 14.

TINY (spoken):

Sometimes a long, dark night of the soul can last for weeks, months, or even years. In my case, it was weeks, but still. Those weeks had years behind them. Because even though I was born gay, and grew up gay, and liked boys in that way and didn’t like girls in that way, there was something holding me back: that one simple word—gay—spoken out loud.

It was a glass closet. Everyone could see me inside. I waved to them all the time. But I was trapped nonetheless. I had supportive parents, but I’d never really had the conversation with them. I had a best friend, but I’d never had the conversation with him, either. I’d never had a boyfriend. I’d never really tried. I’d lost myself in football, in school, in jokes and fashion. But by being lost in these things, I was losing myself.

I know it’s hard to believe, but it took me a while to actually say it. Sometimes it’s hard, even when it shouldn’t be. And sometimes it’s hard because it is.

That’s what this song is about. Normally in a coming-out story, the big scene is when the main character tells his parents. Or his best friend. Or the boy he loves. But ask anyone who’s ever been through coming out—and I’m not just talking about coming out as gay here, I’m talking all kinds of coming out. We all know: The first person you have to come out to is yourself. So this scene is just me alone on a stage. Because that’s how it was. Me alone, singing to myself, and finally hearing it.

Piano, please.

Cue piano intro.

[“I KNOW IT, BUT WHY CAN’T I SAY IT?”]

TINY:

Ever since way back when,

I’ve played with Barbies

and dreamed of Ken.

I’ve read Vogue from cover to cover

like an unrequited lover

waiting for his ticket

to the midnight ball.

My room is full of hoardings

of original cast recordings,

singing to me of somewhere,

and glory, and hope.

Even a blind man can see

what is going on with me . . .

but when I reach for the words

they’re not there.

I know it, but why can’t I say it?

Why am I hiding

the thing I know the most?

Who am I trying to be

when I’m denying I’m me?

Why is the truth

so stuck inside?

Hiding.

There’s not much chance of hiding.

And still I’m not confiding,

afraid of something I can’t name.

Careful.

I tell myself,

be careful.

But sometimes

careful

cares too much

about what people think

and what they might say

their careless remarks

about you being—

Tiny stops. He can’t say the word. In the silence, the CHORUS comes onstage. It is a chorus of gay kids—some of them the boyfriends from the second act, some of them young lesbians, including Lynda, the lesbian babysitter. One of them, to appear again later, is THE GHOST OF OSCAR WILDE.

CHORUS:

I know it, but why can’t I say it?

Why am I hiding

the thing I know the most?

TINY AND CHORUS:

Who am I trying to be

when I’m denying I’m me?

Why is the truth

so stuck inside?

Hiding.

There’s not much chance of hiding.

And still I’m not confiding,

afraid of something I can’t name.

Careful.

I tell myself,

be careful.

But sometimes

careful

cares too much

about what people think

and what they might say

their careless remarks

about you being—

TINY:

gay.

There’s a pause in the music as the word is felt. Tiny is both scared and exhilarated to have said it out loud. The chorus chimes in.

CHORUS:

If they’re truly your friends, you won’t lose them.

If they don’t get it at first, you’ll excuse them.

If they love you, they’ll want you to love.

If they love you, they’ll want you to be loved.

TINY:

I know it.

CHORUS:

So you must say it.

TINY:

I say it.

CHORUS:

Because it is your truth.

TINY:

Hiding.

CHORUS:

There is no meaning in hiding.

TINY:

Careful.

CHORUS:

Don’t be careless with your heart.

TINY:

If they’re truly my friends—

CHORUS:

—you won’t lose them.

TINY:

If they don’t get it at first—

CHORUS:

—you’ll excuse them.

If they love you, they’ll want you to love.

If they love you, they’ll want you to be loved.

TINY:

I know it, and so I will say it.

No more hiding

the thing I know the most.

I am trying to be

the me I know I can be.

So starting today

I will be openly

CHORUS:

Openly

TINY:

Openly

CHORUS:

Openly!

TINY:

Gay!

At the end of this song, Tiny should look very relieved.