The lights go out. When they come back up, we’ve returned to the stage setup we saw in the “Religion” scene—this time Mom and Dad are sitting on the bench, and Tiny is in front of them.
For this number, Tiny speaks all of his lines, Mom sings hers, and Dad remains silent.
[“STATING THE OBVIOUS”]
TINY (spoken):
Mom. Dad. I just wanted to let you know . . . I’m gay.
MOM (sung):
Oh, Tiny.
Our Tiny.
We know, Tiny.
It’s okay.
TINY (spoken):
I dream of boys. I fantasize about boys. When I jerk off, I think of boys. I mean, not that I jerk off or anything.
MOM (sung):
The strongest kind of love
is unconditional love.
The moment you were born,
I knew unconditional love.
TINY (spoken):
And while I’m coming out, I might as well tell you that time I told you Djane must have stolen your lipstick when she was over? Well, that was me. But I didn’t really like the way I looked in lipstick. At least not that color.
MOM (sung):
You are so complicated.
I can see.
But you’re good at heart.
And that’s what matters to me.
TINY (spoken):
I cheated at algebra. There’s a reason your vodka tastes watered down. I feed my peas to the dog every time you serve them. I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.
MOM (sung):
We’ll always love our Tiny
And we’ll always love your Tiny, too.
We can’t wait to witness
All the big, gay things you’ll do.
TINY (spoken):
I download porn on the family computer, but I burn it to disk so it won’t actually be on the hard drive. And you know how I told you I worked at the library at school to pay for my subscriptions to Vogue and Details and Men’s Health? Well, that was actually the birthday money Grandma sent me that she wanted me to spend on my “religious education.”
MOM (sung):
Look at this Big Gay Baby of ours—
not something you read about in Dr. Spock.
Look at our Big Gay Baby—
not what we were expecting when we were
expecting.
But we love him.
Oh, yes, we love him.
TINY (spoken):
You’re okay with this, aren’t you? I’m not going to say I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. The only thing I’m sorry about is keeping it from you for so long. And maybe the peas, because I think Baxter likes them even less than I do.
MOM (sung):
Don’t be sorry.
Never be sorry.
You don’t have to be.
We love you.
We’ll always love you.
Unconditionally.
Tiny and his mother embrace. Then Tiny looks to his father, who’s crying. All dialogue is spoken here, to end of scene.
TINY:
Dad?
DAD (trying to hide his tears):
It’s okay, son. Everything she said.
TINY:
Really?
DAD:
Really.
TINY:
Then I hope you don’t mind . . . I signed us up to be in a mother-daughter fashion show. I thought that would be a great way for me to let everyone know who I am. Is that okay?
The spotlight closes in on Dad. He’s caught.