Lynda the babysitter enters, followed by The Ghost of Oscar Wilde.
TINY:
What are you doing here? Haven’t you gone off to Oberlin by now? And who is that with you?
LYNDA:
This is more of a thematic interruption than a realistic one. And this is Oscar Wilde.
TINY:
What is Oscar Wilde doing here?
LYNDA:
He’s proof that you can be a genius artist and still be a fool for love.
TINY:
I don’t think I’m ready for that lesson yet.
Lynda dismisses The Ghost of Oscar Wilde from the stage. He goes without saying a word.
LYNDA:
You need to learn to put things in perspective.
TINY:
You say that, and all I hear is, “You need to stop being so crazy, Tiny Cooper.”
LYNDA:
That’s not what I said.
TINY:
But it’s what I heard! And I’m not crazy. The issues with my ex-boyfriends aren’t all my issues. They have issues, too.
LYNDA:
I know.
TINY (as if she didn’t just agree with him):
Don’t believe me? Send out exes #3, #12, and #16. They all broke up with me for basically the same reason.
LYNDA:
And what was that?
TINY:
My size.
EXES #3, #12, AND #16 come out singing their lines from the parade. They seem disjointed out of the context of the song, like Cinderella and the others singing through the forest in the second act of Into the Woods.
EX-BOYFRIEND #3:
You’re so massive.
EX-BOYFRIEND #12:
I can’t conquer my doubt.
EX-BOYFRIEND #16:
I’m worried that you’ll break my bed.
EX-BOYFRIEND #3:
Just look at your size!
EX-BOYFRIEND #12:
I need someone with a nicer butt.
EX-BOYFRIEND #16:
I don’t mind if you want to delete me.
The audience should feel uncomfortable here, because these are not comfortable things that the ex-boyfriends are saying.
Tiny stops addressing Lynda, who goes offstage as Tiny talks to the audience.
TINY:
You might ask: “Didn’t they know what they were getting into from the start? It’s not like you suddenly grew to be this size overnight!” To which I say: True. And I’m sure there were some people who were frightened away before they ever got to know me. Ex #3 was someone I met at the mall—we didn’t really date. I just made sure to get invited to a party he was going to be at, and when I made my move, he called me massive and said, “Just look at your size,” and that was the end of that. He counts as an ex because he made me feel dumped even without making me feel loved first.
Ex #12, Curtis, was different—I think he kept seeing me as his friends saw me, and wasn’t strong enough to tell them to shut up. When it was just the two of us, when we could block out the world, it was fine. But no relationship should rely on you blocking out the world. The world will always get in. And if the world is going to make you self-conscious about dating a big-boned boy, that big-boned boy is going to notice.
As for Ex #16, Royce—he flirted with everyone. But if you ever liked him back, forget it. Some boys—not many, but a few—are like that, getting their own strength from finding your weakness and poking it. There’s something weirdly transfixing about their confidence, like even as they’re condescending to you, you’re secretly hoping that their strength will rub off and suddenly you’ll be as confident as they are. But that’s not how it works. Being strong at being a jerk isn’t really strength—it’s just being a jerk. It may make these guys great Future Business Leaders of America, but it makes them really crappy boyfriends.
Now, about the number that’s going to soon unfold. Even though there are plenty of people like me who worship at its altar, musical theater is not particularly kind to its larger-of-frame characters. In opera, we get arias, romance, intrigue. In musical theater, we’re comic relief (when we’re allowed to be there at all). When the fat boy dances, it’s usually to get a laugh. But not here. Not in my show.
Here is what I want you to do. This is really two songs in one . . . but the audience won’t know that at first. For the first part, make it as campy as you want. Let them see the fat boy dance! But when the second part starts, strip that all away. Make it sincere. Think about what they were able to do in Kinky Boots. At first it’s all “hey, drag queens, ha ha ha”—but then at the end Billy Porter gets his big number and he sells it like he’s getting a commission. There’s no ha ha ha. There’s just a beautiful woman rising above her pain and all the shit she’s been given her whole life. What I’m writing here isn’t as good, but try to give it that power.
It’s exactly what Ex-boyfriends #3, #12, and #16 would not want you to do. Imagine them sitting in the audience as you’re singing this. Imagine them laughing at you at the start. And then try to imagine them realizing they were wrong about you.
At first, Tiny looks wounded. But then he stares them down as the music starts to swell. He’ll be singing this one to them, until the chorus comes in. Then he’ll be playing to the audience, until the final turn.
[“THE SIZE OF THE PACKAGE”]
TINY:
What, you think you know me?
Nothing funnier than the fat boy.
What, you think you got this?
Who am I to even think of love?
This part’s the disco windup. The Jennifer Holliday/Hudson swell. The chorus comes onto the stage to back Tiny up.
Well, your love’s the empty calorie here.
You say I’m so huge but you don’t see me at all.
So wipe those smirks from each one of your
faces—
’cause I know I’m big-boned and beautiful in
all the right places.
TINY AND CHORUS (in full disco tilt):
It’s not the size of the package,
it’s the size of the soul.
It’s not the body you have,
it’s the life as a whole.
It’s not the size of the package,
the moves make the man.
It’s not the weight of the words,
it’s that you say what you can.
TINY:
I was once a little boy—
oh no, I was never a little boy!
I have always lived large
and in charge.
And if you can’t carry that
I’m going to drop right out of your life!
TINY AND CHORUS:
It’s not the size of the package,
it’s the size of the thrill.
It’s not the tip of the scale,
it’s the lift of the will.
It’s not the size of the package
that’s the source of your pride.
It’s not the stretch of the belly,
it’s the fire inside.
TINY:
I was once a little boy—
oh no, I was never a little boy!
I have always lived large
and in charge.
And if you can’t carry that
I’m going to drop right out of your life!
A fun dance interlude follows—fat boy dancing ha ha ha—although please be sure Tiny maintains his dignity throughout. As it’s happening, he realizes the exes are watching. And as much as he wants to win them over . . . he’s not winning them over. The last refrain is less assured than before. The chorus, fading into the background, keeps looking at the exes.
TINY AND CHORUS:
It’s not the size of the package,
it’s the size of the heart.
It’s not the body you see—
Tiny stops at the third line, looking at the exes. #3 and #16 are laughing at him. #12 looks embarrassed to have seen what he’s just seen.
TINY
(plaintive now, to the exes, the tempo slowed considerably):
What, you think you know me?
Nothing funnier than the fat boy.
What, you think you got this?
Who am I to even think of love?
That last line should linger through the theater. People should understand what the exes’ laughter means to Tiny. Even if he’s proud, he’s not invulnerable to doubt. If you think one musical number gets rid of all his insecurities, think again. He knows what’s right and what’s wrong. But he doesn’t feel it yet. And while it’s great to know the right words, in order for them to become your truth, you have to feel them, too.
Fade to black.