Tiny remains in bed.
TINY:
It was, to say the least, a strange visitation—and I didn’t know what it meant. Not yet.
As if I wasn’t confused enough, as high school continued and my high school relationships continued, I found the whole sex question kept coming up. The question being: Are we going to do it or what?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think making out is awesome. And I knew that when I was ready, sex would be awesome, too.
But I wasn’t ready. And some of the guys I was dating were more than ready.
EX-BOYFRIENDS #10, #11, AND #14 come onstage and circle the bed.
EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14:
Horny horny horny—
we’re just so
horny horny horny.
TINY (looking at them with dismay):
The pressure was intense. And it made me realize that although I had all of these gay exes in my life, I didn’t really have a gay friend. So I called Djane instead.
Djane appears on the corner of the stage, holding her phone to her ear. Tiny uses the phone he was using to text in bed.
TINY (TO DJANE):
I know I’m a guy, so I should not make such rash generalizations—but, wow, guys can really get stuck on sex.
EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14 (murmuring as he talks):
Horny horny horny—
we’re just so
horny horny horny.
Horny horny horny—
we’re just so
horny horny
TINY:
(To Exes) Stop that! (To Djane) You see?
DJANE:
Can I give you some advice that sounds massively oversimplistic but is actually, I’ve found, somewhat helpful?
TINY:
Sure.
DJANE:
Ninety-seven percent of the time, it all comes down this: Don’t do what you don’t want to do. Ask yourself that simple question: Do I want to do this? If the answer is yes, go for it. If it’s anything but yes, don’t.
EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14
(singing one verse, then singing softly under the following dialogue):
Horny horny horny.
Horny horny horny.
DJANE:
Do any of them appeal to you?
TINY:
Not like this.
DJANE:
Do they care about you the way they should?
TINY:
No.
DJANE:
Do you want to do it?
TINY:
No.
DJANE:
There you go.
TINY:
But how do I tell them?
DJANE:
You’re Tiny Cooper. You mop them up with a song.
Tiny understands. As the song begins with some serious chordage, he gets out of bed and is joined by three backup dancers wearing matching pajamas. They are the ones who will mop up the ex-boyfriends while Tiny sings.
[“SAVING MYSELF”]
TINY:
All you boys who just want to mess around!
All you boys who can’t put up with me not
putting out!
I’ve got something to say to you—
and it goes something like this.
I’m saving myself for someone who treats me
better!
I’m saving myself for one I won’t regret!
If you want to go all the way,
I have to know you’re gonna stay
’cause I’m saving myself for someone who treats me better.
As Tiny sings the following, the backup dancers school the exes.
Keep it in your pants
and ask me to dance!
Get away from the bed
and talk to me instead!
We’re not going to go there
until you handle me with care!
EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14
(trying to fight back against the dancers):
Horny horny horny!
We’re just so
horny horny horny!
TINY
(as the dancers put the exes in their place):
If you’re just doing it ’cause you’re horny,
my bush is gonna be thorny!
I’m telling you—
I’m saving myself for someone who treats me
better!
I’m saving myself for one I won’t regret!
If you want to go all the way,
I have to know you’re gonna stay
’cause I’m saving myself for someone who treats me better.
If you want to go all the way
you better give me the time of day—
when other people see us together—
when other people are around.
I’m not a game that you’re playing.
I’m not a lie that you’re saying.
I am worth so much more than that.
Yes, I am worth so much more than that.
Someday my prince will come,
and when he does,
we’ll come and come and come.
But ’til that day I’m saving myself.
Oh, yes, I’m saving myself from you.
Because I am worth so much more than that.
Yes, I am worth so much more than that!
The number ends with Tiny slipping off to change while the backup dancers triumph once and for all over the exes, ultimately knocking all three of them into the bed and wheeling them offstage.