After checking in their bags and Siobhan begging to be strip-searched at US customs, the girls began walking towards their gate.
‘I can’t believe they didn’t do a cavity search. I could have anything up there for all they know,’ Siobhan said, disappointed.
‘God knows there’s enough room,’ Natalie joked.
‘Maybe I should go back for another scan.’
‘Don’t even think about it,’ Kate laughed.
‘Fine,’ Siobhan sighed. ‘Does anyone want McDonald’s before we board?’
‘Are you mad?’ Chloe said. ‘I’m not eating fast food before a holiday. I’ll balloon!’
‘The calories in an airport McDonald’s don’t count, everyone knows that.’
‘Girls, we only have half an hour before we board, and I have cocktails scheduled in the itinerary,’ Kate said.
‘Good idea. Better to drink on an empty stomach anyway,’ Siobhan conceded.
The four strutted towards the bar in their sashes, turning heads as they went, though this might have been because Siobhan was whistling at every man they walked past.
‘Why is everyone always such a RIDE at the airport?’ Siobhan asked.
‘There’s a scientific reason for it actually,’ Natalie explained. ‘It’s because you know you’ll probably never see them again, so they seem more desirable as a result. It’s about scarcity. They could all be the one that got away.’
‘Ugh, you’re right. There’s nothing hotter than a man you’ll never see again,’ Siobhan said, ogling the men as she looked around.
‘Dear God, you’re practically feral,’ Kate laughed.
‘Well, not all of us have been spayed, Mrs Cox-to-be,’ Siobhan said. ‘I’m still surprised Norman let you off your leash for the weekend.’
‘He knows I’m in good hands with my bridesmaids.’
‘Oh, that is such a lie,’ Natalie laughed. ‘Norman hates us.’
‘NO HE DOESN’T!’ Kate said, mortified.
‘He called me a sexual maniac,’ Siobhan said.
‘Well, if the shoe fits,’ Chloe teased.
‘He’s just easily shocked, that’s all,’ Kate said. ‘He thinks we take it too far when we drink.’
‘We do always take it too far, to be fair,’ Natalie laughed.
‘But we hardly ever see you any more. It’s always “Norman wants to snuggle on the couch” or “Norman wants to binge-watch a new show”,’ Siobhan said, imitating Kate with a high-pitched voice.
‘First of all, that’s a terrible impression of me,’ Kate laughed. ‘And secondly, Norman is perfectly happy with me going away with my girls. I promised to text him every hour so he—’
‘EVERY HOUR?’ Natalie said, shocked.
‘Well, it might not be every single hour. Anyway, he can track my location whenever he needs to.’
‘HE GOT YOU CHIPPED?’
‘Of course not!’ Kate laughed. ‘He can see my phone’s location in real time.’
Siobhan, Natalie and Chloe all gave each other a concerned look as Kate walked in front of them.
‘Look girls! There’s the bar!’ Kate said, spotting it.
The girls sat down at the bar and ordered a round of cocktails. After the bartender whipped up four espresso martinis, the girls toasted to what was sure to be the best weekend of their lives.
‘Cheers girlies!’ Kate said as they all clinked their glasses.
‘CHEERS!’ they all said, every bit as excited as the bride-to-be.
After tasting the delightful mixture of coffee and vodka, Kate reached into her handbag and produced the hen party itinerary.
‘Here it is girls – the perfect hen party plan,’ she said, her eyes lighting up.
‘The unholy Bible,’ Siobhan laughed. ‘But I’m still annoyed you didn’t let me plan anything.’
‘Siobhan, did you really think you could convince Kate not to plan something?’ Natalie said. ‘Don’t you remember when she planned her own surprise party?’
‘What was I supposed to do? Not have my hair done for my birthday? And I looked very surprised in the photos, for the record,’ Kate said.
‘She probably has her own funeral planned too,’ Chloe laughed.
‘I have not! But I do want lavender on my coffin. And someone should read Psalm 23 at some point. And also—’
‘Good God, you’re too much,’ Siobhan laughed.
‘But my funeral won’t be for another seventy years, touch wood,’ Kate said. She knocked on the wooden bar top to seal it in. She was incredibly superstitious and didn’t like leaving anything to chance. Better to be safe than sorry. ‘Joke about my planning skills all you want girls, but you’ll all thank me after we have the best weekend of our lives. It’s jam-packed. Every single minute has been planned out.’
‘But what if we take a notion and want to do something random?’ Natalie asked.
‘I have plenty of spontaneous things planned, don’t worry.’
‘Organized fun. My favourite,’ Siobhan said sarcastically as she sipped her martini.
‘I just hope there are lots of good photo opportunities in the plan,’ Chloe said. ‘We need to find a mural with angel wings and . . .’
‘Oh no, we are not spending an hour at every landmark getting you the perfect pics. I want the photos to be so bad, we couldn’t possibly post them. I’m getting ugly on this holiday,’ Siobhan said.
‘And you edit your photos into oblivion anyway, Chloe, so they don’t have to even be good in the first place,’ Natalie said, giving her a dig.
‘I do not edit my pics!’ Chloe said, offended.
‘Oh please, you’re always airbrushed within an inch of your life. And you’re getting more orange by the minute with that fake tan.’
‘That’s supposed to happen. It’s from this new brand I’m trying out.’
‘What’s the brand called? Orangutan?’
‘Ha ha, very funny,’ Chloe said, sarcastically. ‘It’s a developer tan from Bronze Beauty. It gets darker and darker and then you shower it off after sixteen hours. I’ll be golden tonight and you’ll all be green with envy.’
‘Sure, we will,’ Siobhan teased. ‘So Kate, I know you’re organizing everything but I went ahead and made us a Spotify hen party playlist. Is that okay with the bride?’
‘Of course. Let’s see it!’ Kate said, excited. It was probably the only thing she hadn’t thought of, and she was thrilled Siobhan had taken care of it.
‘Okay, so here it is,’ Siobhan said, showing them on her phone. ‘So obviously I have loads of songs from Ms Swift. Taylor’s Versions, obviously. I also have lots of Beyoncé. Shania Twain, of course. And my personal favourite artist . . . Kate O’Connor.’
Kate felt like the wind had been knocked out of her.
Siobhan had been on such a roll, but she just had to bring up Kate’s failed music career. She had studied music at Trinity College in the hopes of one day becoming a singer-songwriter. Margaret had been completely against her choice of degree, claiming it wasn’t a ‘real course’ and that she should have studied medicine, considering the high grades she received. But Kate had a dream to pursue. She got her degree, and after college she was ready to launch her career as a musician.
But she only ever released one single.
‘Your Scar’ by Kate O’Connor.
Written about the one and only Trevor Rush. It was a heartbreak song, of course, but she had hoped it would be a way to fix her broken heart. She and Trevor had dreamt of making music together as a duo that summer, but she wanted to prove she could do it solo. Some girls got a revenge bod after a breakup, but Kate wanted a revenge song. The song wasn’t vengeful in nature, however; the revenge was supposed to be its success. She didn’t believe in getting bitter. She believed in getting better. She thought she would turn her broken heart into art and have the last laugh over Trevor Rush. Karma would surely be on her side. She had planned it all, just as one would expect.
But the song was a complete flop.
Not even 1,000 streams.
Her attempt to fill the hole in her heart had only made it bigger. And now anytime anyone mentioned it, she was reminded of the big embarrassing failure that it was. The big embarrassing failure that she was. She had inadvertently proved her mother right, something she hated doing. Then there was the hate comment that some internet troll left on the YouTube video of her song:
Another delusional hack going absolutely nowhere.
Although Kate knew the person behind the hate comment was some greasy-haired incel, the words still cut like a knife. And it was a fatal stabbing; the final nail in the coffin of Kate’s singing career. She tried to tell herself that even Taylor Swift received negative comments, but Kate’s self-esteem couldn’t handle that kind of public criticism. As much as she wished otherwise, she just wasn’t strong enough.
With her career down the drain, it was a miracle she had Norman by her side. He had made her feel good about herself when she was at her lowest. He had scraped her out of the gutter, as Margaret so eloquently put it. He encouraged her to apply for an advertised event management job where her planning skills could be leveraged. His advice had been exactly what she needed to hear, and she got the job. He had saved her from a life of rejection and despair, and she was not about to backtrack into those negative emotions she had long since said goodbye to.
‘Girls, we’re not listening to my song on this trip, no way!’ Kate said firmly.
‘What? Why?’ Siobhan asked. ‘It’s a banger!’
‘Yeah, it’s literally one of my favourite songs,’ Natalie said.
‘“FOR YEARS NOW WE’VE BEEN APART BUT BABE YOU LEFT YOUR MARK”,’ Siobhan sang.
‘Siobhan, please!’ Kate said, mortified.
‘“TIME HEALED MY BROKEN HEART BUT I’LL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR SCAR”!’ Siobhan, Chloe and Natalie sang at the top of their lungs.
‘Please girls, I cringe every time I hear it!’ Kate said, begging them to stop embarrassing her. ‘Take it off the playlist right now.’
‘Jesus, fine. Sorry for thinking our friend is talented,’ Siobhan said, removing the song.
‘If I was talented, it wouldn’t have been a flop.’
‘If Taylor only ever released one song, we never would have gotten 1989. Just saying,’ Chloe shrugged.
Kate was eager to change the subject to anything else. Thankfully, she had just the thing. ‘Oh girls, let me show you the Polaroids! You’re all going to die laughing,’ she said, taking the photos out of her bag.
‘OH MY GOD,’ Siobhan shouted when she saw them. ‘Look at our little baby faces.’
‘Look how skinny I was!’ Chloe said.
‘And that’s without Photoshop,’ Natalie joked.
Siobhan picked up the photo of the girls drinking Four Lokos in Central Park. Kate thought she had left that one in the memory box, but she must have brought it by mistake.
‘Okay, now this is a photo we NEED to recreate!’ Siobhan insisted.
‘Not a chance,’ Kate said. ‘There’s no way in hell we’re drinking Four Loko!’
‘Kate, it’s our signature drink! It’s the whole reason the Americans called us The Four Lokos!’
‘Girls, we’re not twenty-one any more. We always blacked out whenever we drank it, and I want to remember every moment of this weekend.’
‘Remembering a hen party is a sign of a bad hen party.’
‘No, Kate’s right,’ Natalie said. ‘I think I’d get sick if I drank it now.’
‘Yeah, and it’s probably riddled with calories,’ Chloe added.
‘Ugh, you’re all a bunch of dryshites,’ Siobhan sulked.
‘I can’t believe how much we’ve changed,’ Kate said, looking at the Polaroid.
‘Speak for yourself, Mrs Norman Cox-to-be,’ Siobhan said, putting on a posh accent and lifting up her pinkie finger.
‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘I don’t know. I’m guessing Norman is the one who doesn’t want you drinking Four Loko.’
‘Oh, stop. He just doesn’t want me making a complete fool of myself,’ Kate said, brushing it off.
‘Or doesn’t want his future wife to remember she’s a party girl at heart,’ Natalie slagged her.
‘I am not a party girl!’
‘Oh pleeeease!’ Chloe said. ‘On the J-1, you were the craziest one of all of us! We were just followers – you were the leader.’
‘Are you serious?’ Kate asked, horrified. ‘That’s not how I remember it!’
‘Don’t you remember how we got that Polaroid in Central Park? You told a homeless man you’d show him your boobs if he’d take a photo of us!’ Natalie wheezed.
‘I did not! Did I? Are you sure that wasn’t Siobhan?’
‘Nope, all you baby.’
‘The best time was when we were all hungover at work and Kate kept going behind the bar and pouring us tequila shots to keep us awake,’ Chloe laughed.
‘And then she threw up on that woman who was complaining about the service!’ Siobhan roared, slamming her hand on the bar in hysterics.
‘Oh my God, I was the worst back then!’ Kate said, going puce.
‘No, you were the best!’ Natalie said. ‘You made the entire summer. You’re the reason we’re all friends!’
‘Yeah, and we want that Kate on this trip. Not Mrs Norman Cox-to-be,’ Siobhan demanded. ‘Norman has changed you. You’ve become such a people-pleaser. We want one last week with the real Kate O’Connor!’
‘Well, based on what I’m hearing, Norman seems to have changed me for the better,’ Kate said, mortified by what she had just heard.
‘You see, this is what a relationship does to a woman. She’s domesticated now. If I ever get married, someone please shoot me.’
‘There’ll come a point when the only word you want to hear is marriage.’
‘Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence,’ Siobhan said. ‘One man for the rest of my life? I can’t even commit to one vibrator!’
Kate began to laugh at Siobhan’s candour. ‘You say that now, but everyone matures eventually.’
‘Not me,’ Siobhan said, adamantly. ‘I can proudly say I was a fat skank then and I’m a fat skank now.’
‘Don’t say fat,’ Natalie said. ‘You’re supposed to say curvy or plus size.’
‘Are you actually telling me what to call myself when you’re literally a size zero? I was fat before this whole ‘body positivity’ thing. I knew Burger King when he was still a Prince!’
The girls burst out laughing. ‘Okay, fair enough,’ Natalie conceded.
‘Just call a spade a spade. I don’t go around calling you a female dog. I call you a bitch because I love you.’
‘How sweet,’ Natalie said sarcastically.
‘I was sweet enough to get that bi sash customized for you, wasn’t I?’ Siobhan said.
‘Well . . . it’s actually not accurate. I’m not bi any more.’
‘Was it “just a phase”?’ Chloe teased.
‘Actually . . .’ Natalie said, shooting Chloe a look. ‘I’m pansexual now.’
‘What’s the difference?’ Kate asked. She wasn’t very tuned into the zeitgeist, and she was genuinely eager to learn.
‘Well, for me, a person’s gender or sex doesn’t matter. It’s really all about their personality.’
‘But how do you have sex with a personality?’ Siobhan said, confused.
‘Um, by connecting with them on a deep emotional level?’
‘You lost me.’
‘Wait, why is there no P in LGBT?’ Chloe asked, innocently.
‘It’s included in LGBTQ+.’
‘LGBTQ+? What, is that like a premium subscription or something?’
‘Yeah, it’s €9.99 a month and you don’t have to watch any ads,’ Natalie said, sarcastically. The sarcasm was lost on poor Chloe.
‘Well, I don’t believe in labels,’ Chloe said.
‘You’re wearing a Prada dress.’
‘I obviously believe in those labels. But I think people should just love who they love.’
‘That’s literally what I just said,’ Natalie said as she face-palmed herself.
‘Wait Nat, when’s the last time you’ve even had sex?’ Siobhan pried.
‘Not since my ex, Mark,’ Natalie admitted. ‘And that was well over a year ago.’
‘Jesus, there must be cobwebs down there!’ Chloe said, shocked.
‘Yeah, but that’s kinda on-brand for me. My aesthetic is spooky chic.’
‘Oh, pack it up, Thursday Addams,’ Siobhan said. ‘Spooky chic isn’t a thing. It’s a vagina, not a haunted house!’
‘Hold on,’ Kate said. ‘A few months ago in the group chat, you said you had sex daily.’
‘I was trying to say I have dyslexia!’ Natalie sighed.
‘This is ridiculous,’ Siobhan said. ‘You literally have double the options we do! You should be getting some every night of the week!’
‘Ugh, you’re right,’ Natalie groaned. ‘The Olympics get held more than I do!’
‘Maybe you should start seeing someone,’ Kate suggested.
‘You mean like a therapist?’
‘No, I mean a person who you connect with. Someone who makes you feel good and wants to be with you.’
‘Easier said than done, Kate. You can’t just choose someone to have feelings for.’
‘Yes you can! I chose Norman.’
‘But we’re living in hook-up culture. Nobody seems to want serious commitment these days.’
‘Well, maybe you should stop going for the non-stick pans,’ Siobhan joked.
‘Bitch,’ Natalie said, trying not to laugh.
‘Nat, we support whatever way you identify. But I will not support you becoming a nun. You need to get some action on this trip. You need to put the sex back in your sexuality!’
‘Okay fine. I’m open to the possibility. But only if I feel a connection.’
‘Exactly,’ Chloe said. ‘Just see how it “pans out”.’
‘You’re all impossible,’ Natalie laughed.
‘Okay, operation get Nat the ride is a GO!’ Siobhan said, raising her glass. The girls all cheered.
‘What about you, Chloe?’ Kate asked. ‘Anyone you like these days?’
‘There’s one person I like and one person who likes me. But they’re not the same person,’ Chloe sighed.
‘Whatever happened to that cute Polish guy, Casper?’
‘He ghosted me.’
‘I saw it coming,’ Natalie shrugged.
‘It’s okay though, because I keyed his car.’
‘CHLOE! That’s insane!’ Kate said, appalled.
‘What? He ghosted me so I haunted him. Fair is fair,’ Chloe shrugged.
‘You better pray he isn’t the vengeful type,’ Kate laughed. ‘So there’s really nobody?’
‘No. I’ve tried the whole Tinder thing for so long. I’ve practically swiped my finger to the bone. But guys always say I look different in person.’
‘Shocker,’ Natalie muttered under her breath.
‘And they always make assumptions about me based on nothing. I swear to God, if one more man calls me a drama queen, I’m going to set myself on fire.’
‘Where do men get these crazy ideas?’ Siobhan said, sarcastically.
‘Aww Chloe, come on,’ Kate said. ‘There must be a million guys on Tinder who’d kill to go on a date with you.’
‘But I just want to meet a guy in a real-life, romantic way, you know?’ Chloe sighed. ‘Like, I’m sitting in a coffee shop reading a book and a guy walks in and notices me.’
‘Chloe, you don’t read,’ Siobhan said, calling her out.
‘Well, he won’t know that . . . until it’s too late.’
‘Don’t get your hopes up, Chloe,’ Natalie said. ‘I told one guy I was looking for romance and he asked me if I wanted to give him a blow job in the rain.’
‘OH MY GOD!’ Kate said, horrified.
‘Send me his number,’ Siobhan smirked. ‘He sounds like a keeper.’
‘Well, not all of us have your one-night standards, Siobhan,’ Natalie said, a little too judgementally.
‘Slut shaming, Nat? Not very Gen Z of you.’
‘I retract my statement . . . But honestly, though, whatever happened to the art of the cuddle?’
‘Yeah, these days spooning always leads to forking,’ Chloe sighed.
‘Which makes me want to reach for a knife,’ Natalie said. ‘Men are only romantic until they get what they want out of you. Then BOOM, completely different person.’
‘Yeah, men are always perfect at the start,’ Siobhan said. ‘That’s why I keep getting new ones.’
‘As for me, I’m sticking to men in literature . . . or fan fiction.’
‘Nat, those are men written by women. They aren’t real! A fictional man can’t give you an orgasm!’
‘Oh sweetie . . . you are so, so wrong,’ Natalie said, shaking her head.
‘I’m telling you girls, you all need to stop romanticizing men and see them for what they really are. At the end of the day, they’re just toys. That’s why Tinder is in my games folder.’
‘But how do you not get emotionally attached afterwards?’ Chloe asked Siobhan.
‘I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in years.’
‘Lucky you,’ Chloe said. ‘I care way too much.’
Kate felt terrible for the girls having to navigate the world of singledom in the digital age. They were all amazing women with so much to offer, but it seemed like online dating made everything harder rather than easier. It was in times like this that she was glad of Norman. If she had to jump back into the dating pool she would surely drown.
‘Don’t worry, Chloe, the right guy will come along when you’re least expecting it,’ Kate said, reassuring her. ‘Just date yourself for a while.’
‘No, I deserve better,’ Chloe said. ‘I don’t think I really want a boyfriend anyway. I think I just want a photographer. Once I hit 10K on Instagram, then I’ll truly be happy.’
‘Chloe, don’t take this the wrong way, but you really need a niche if you want to be a proper influencer. You gotta have a gimmick,’ Kate explained.
‘Hmm . . . okay. Like what?’
‘Well, that’s up to you. It could be fashion advice, cooking tips, travel blogging . . .’
‘Oh, travel blogging sounds fun! And I’m going backpacking through Southeast Asia in August!’ Chloe said, excited at the idea.
‘That’s the perfect place to get good travel content,’ Kate said, trying to encourage her. ‘Which countries are you visiting?’
‘Vietnam, Thailand and Colombia,’ Chloe said, innocently.
‘You mean Cambodia?’
‘Oh yeah, that’s the one!’
‘Yeah . . . maybe travel blogging isn’t the right fit,’ Natalie laughed.
‘But her heart’s in the right place,’ Siobhan said, finishing her espresso martini. ‘Catch flights, not feelings.’
‘Speaking of which,’ Kate said. ‘It’s time to board!’