Chapter 1

‘Let’s go home,’ said Tara, feeling as if her life had just ended.

To her right, her husband Colin sat rigidly, trying to process the devastating news. Behind his desk, Dr White was explaining that the embryo transfer had been unsuccessful and that their third attempt at IVF had failed.

Time seemed to stand still for Tara in that moment. All she could hear was a strange ringing in her ears, as if a bomb had just been detonated. She couldn’t take in what Dr White was saying, just the piercing hum of defeat.

But Tara didn’t need to listen to know what was being said. She knew the spiel off by heart at this stage. She had known as soon as she saw the same tired, apologetic expression on Dr White’s face that her dream of motherhood would remain just that.

A dream.

‘Go home?’ Colin said, turning to her. ‘We literally just got here.’

‘I know you must be disappointed, Tara, but rest assured, there is still hope,’ Dr White said unconvincingly, as if reading from a teleprompter.

‘I’m sorry, doctor, but I can’t do this any more,’ Tara said, picking up her handbag. ‘I don’t mean to be rude but I just really want to go home.’

‘Tara, we need to know what our options are,’ Colin said, visibly frustrated by Tara’s eagerness to leave.

‘Colin, we know how this goes. This is the part where we start everything again from scratch. Back to square one.’

‘Well, many couples don’t have a successful IVF treatment until their fourth or sometimes fifth try. In fact, we had one couple who weren’t successful until their eighth round,’ Dr White explained.

Tara winced at the thought. She couldn’t bear the idea of going through the entire ordeal once more, let alone multiple times. She had retained a glimmer of hope after their first and second attempts failed but there was only so much disappointment she could take. Colin had kept telling her that the third time would be the charm. He had almost convinced her of it. Yet here she was, reliving the worst experience of her life for the third time in a row.

‘Doctor, I think it’s time we accepted that I’m not meant to be a mother,’ Tara said with a heavy heart.

‘Tara, stop that kind of talk,’ Colin said.

‘Oh come on, Colin, I’m almost thirty-seven. My eggs are basically tumbleweeds at this point.’

Dr White almost laughed, but Colin shot him a look of disapproval.

‘Tara, it’s only our third attempt. Come on, the fourth time’s the charm!’

‘You say that about every attempt, Colin. In a few years, you’ll be saying the fifteenth time lucky. We’ve spent thirty grand on this already. We need to stop throwing good money after bad,’ Tara said, still eyeing the door to leave. She felt smothered.

‘Well, maybe they have a loyalty card programme or something,’ Colin said, giving Dr White a hopeful glance.

‘Oh yeah, Colin, we’ll just get a stamp on our way out and our next one will be free. We’re talking about my eggs, not a cup of coffee,’ Tara said, rolling her eyes. ‘They don’t care about our loyalty anyway. They sold us all of those stupid add-ons that made absolutely no difference.’

‘Well, you did opt for the Premium Package,’ Dr White explained.

‘Yeah, and what do we have to show for it? I mean, for ten grand a pop, you could have thrown in a feckin’ tote bag. Or a top that says “I tried IVF and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”,’ Tara said, frustrated.

‘Tara, this is serious,’ Colin said, mortified.

Tara knew she was being ridiculous. But she also knew if she didn’t laugh, she would cry. And Tara was done crying. She had been through this rigmarole enough times to see how farcical it all was. She had every right to make jokes because that’s exactly what the whole ordeal felt like.

One big joke.

‘I completely understand your frustration, Tara,’ Dr White said. ‘But you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.’

‘Well, I’m sorry, doctor, but I ordered my eggs fertilized, not scrambled,’ Tara said, standing up. ‘Now, I’m sorry but I really just want to go home.’ Tara turned and walked out of the room, her mind fully made up. Colin sighed and sluggishly got up off his chair.

‘I’m sure she’ll come around eventually,’ Dr White said to Colin.

‘You clearly don’t know my wife,’ Colin said, as he followed Tara to the car.

On the drive back, Tara was trying to process the news in silence. She didn’t want to talk about it, she just wanted to go home. As she leaned against the window, twirling her ash-blonde hair, she noticed the sky was endlessly blue, teeming with pastel perfection. It annoyed her. Of course the sky would be clear on the one day she wanted rain. She wanted the sky to weep because she had no tears left. At least if there was a cloud, she could tell herself something about silver linings.

After the first IVF treatment didn’t take, Tara was an emotional wreck. Even though she had never actually got pregnant, Tara mourned the many million possibilities that would never come to be. The second failed attempt was similar, but those tears were from anger, not despair. This time felt different, however. She didn’t feel sad or angry. In fact, she didn’t feel anything. It was like there was a void in her chest, an overwhelming emptiness. She suddenly found herself questioning her entire belief system. Tara’s world view was complex at times, but if there was one belief that anchored her entire philosophy, it was her belief in destiny.

Tara truly believed there was a path for everyone and that one’s life was predetermined by fate. She refused to accept the scientific theory that life was just random chaos. In her opinion, such a world view made life completely meaningless. After all, the universe had begun with chaos yet somehow formed spontaneous order. That was all the proof she needed that there was some force out there greater than her. Her father Paddy Fitzsimons had been a devout Catholic up until he passed away, and her mother Shannon was a renowned psychic healer by trade. Tara was therefore an unusual mix of religious and spiritual. She believed in a higher power but she saw it more as energy flowing rather than a bearded man in the sky. She knew she didn’t have all the answers but she believed in belief. Whether one chose to call it fate, God’s plan, kismet, predestination or destiny, it all came back to what her mother always told her.

Everything happens for a reason.

But what was the reason for this? Why was the universe preventing her dream from coming true? There was only one reason Tara could think of. The universe was quite clearly telling her that being a mother was not her destiny and she had no choice but to listen. It was a diffi cult pill to swallow but Tara knew denying it wouldn’t get her anywhere. Trying IVF a fourth time would only be swimming against the currents of fate. She couldn’t put herself through the ordeal again. But even though she had told Colin from day one that she would only try three times, she knew he wouldn’t accept her decision.

Her mind began to reach backwards, to the night she first met Colin. She was a student at Trinity College Dublin at the time, but she always returned home to Galway to work weekends at O’Malley’s pub. One fateful November night, a young man walked into O’Malley’s while she was working and ordered a pint of Guinness. She expected to see a much older man, but when she turned around, there he was.

The man of her dreams.

Stupidly handsome, short brown hair, and ocean eyes deep enough to drown in.

That was the first time Tara experienced what she considered to be synchronicity, a strange gut feeling, like a mix of déjà vu and women’s intuition. She had butterflies in her stomach, goosebumps along her arms and a tingle on the back of her neck. She felt like she had tuned into the universe’s hidden frequency and was suddenly connected to the deeper vibrations of life. It was her spiritual compass that let her know she was on destiny’s right path. Like she was with the right person in the right place at the right time.

She fell for Colin there and then. By the time his Guinness had settled, she was already his. ‘Of all the pubs in all the towns in all of Ireland, you had to walk into mine,’ she had told him. Against all rationality, she had thrown caution to the wind and got on the back of his motorcycle to Nimmo’s Pier. When he kissed her in the shimmering moonlight, she began to melt in his arms and lost herself in sweet consensual surrender. She had snuck him into her bedroom later that night. Even though they had just met, she was ready to give herself to him completely, the way she would for the rest of her life. Her feelings weren’t logical at the time, but when Tara got her gut feeling, she knew it was fate whispering that she was on the right track.

But Tara had never once got her gut feeling during the entire IVF process. She knew in her soul it wasn’t meant to be. And even though Tara’s dream of being a mother was over, she knew she would pick herself back up and find a new dream. The entire experience of constant failure had sucked the life out of her. She needed a dream that brought her endless joy, not endless disappointment. It was time to turn the page on failure and begin a new chapter of infinite possibility.