In the months that had passed since Jane had come away with Vic, she did not understand what caused her to trust him so much that, when he asked her to come with him, she had said yes without hesitation.
Her life before, on Cape York, had been simple and she was contented. But yet, when Vic came into her life, he brought his colour to it, and David trusted him. So she trusted him too. Now she was overwhelmingly glad to be with him. But she was starting to sense that their life together was missing something that other couples had.
As she thought about the life she had now her principal emotion was one of profound happiness. The words that her mind held to describe emotions, based on past memories, were limited things. So she struggled to verbalise what she felt towards this nut brown man who shared her life. In books she read about a concept called love.
She felt this ‘love’ thing must be something more spiritual, akin to her emotions when listening to singing in church. Her feelings towards this man were earthy, she smiled as she thought of the smell of the sweat of his body when he worked in the hot sun, she liked how the muscles in his brown arms corded and stood out when he strained to move something heavy. Most of all she smiled inside when she thought of how he played with and held her children. They looked at him with simple adoration; he was good and kind, he always had time for them, he cared for them in an easy and uncomplicated way, the same as he cared for her.
All in all it made her feel warm inside when she thought of him. She felt trust and affection and many more things besides, for most of her feelings she could find no words to fit, but the sum of it all was happiness.
And yet there was more, she had tiny glimpses of another life where she knew him too. These were like the tiniest reflections of light sliding through gaps in a fog which covered all the surfaces of her past. These flashes had slivers of anxiety attached to them, they did not spoil her happiness, but they were there and she knew them for what they were, warnings to leave well alone whatever had been before.
Sometimes she thought she should ask him to tell her what he knew about her from before. Was she the girl in the photo that he had shown her when they first met, the one he was searching for on that first day? Or was she someone who looked like that girl and who had taken over her place in his life? These were little puzzles that her mind glimpsed. She trusted he would tell her when the time was right. Buried deep was also a fear to know what had come before; she did not want a shadow cast over her life now.
And there was something else about him that she could not define; it was part of the happiness but different. It was something to do with him being a man. She had glimpsed his naked form, as he had hers, and it stirred other emotions which she did not understand. She had felt hardness at his middle, where his belly muscles joined his legs, and it stirred similar emotions to his naked form, but again she did not understand.
Sometimes, when he slept in the night, his body touching hers, he had pressed this part of his body against the place where her legs joined her body. Then she had wanted this feeling to go on and become more, but she did not know what followed from here. So, each time, after a minute of enjoying it, she turned away but felt regret in the undoing of this contact.
And sometimes, when she could feel him wound up and tense, she had this vague sense of wanting to do something more with her body to relax and pleasure him, to help relieve his tension. But again she did not know what.
It was not a big thing; it did not spoil her happiness. But sometimes she wished she had a sister she could ask what else she could do with her body to give this man more comfort and pleasure.
She was also slightly uncomfortable about them living in the same house and sharing the same bed when they were not really married. The minister, at the church, where she went each Sunday, talked about living in sin. He did not say it directly to her, as he thought she was married. But he would speak about it to the young grown up boys and girls who came to the church. She did not understood what this meant, but gathered it had to do with a man and woman living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed before they were married. She had seen weddings at their local church, and knew that she and Vic had not done this wedding thing; it was something she was sure she would have remembered.
So, even though Vic told her to say to people they did not know that they were married, and she had agreed, it could not be true. She understood it was said to explain the children and stop the questions. Now, as she thought of those men and women she had seen going to the church to get married, she thought this would be a nice thing to do with Vic. But she did not know how one decided to do it, what arrangements were needed, whether it was something a woman asked a man to do, or the other way around, or whether it just happened when the time was right.
Anyway now it was time to stop thinking about these complicated things. Her friend in a nearby caravan, Thea, had given her a cooking book, and she wanted to try the recipes from it. In her mind she knew, from when she first remembered, how to make toast and tea and cook eggs, sausages and other simple things like that. But she did not know how people made fancy food. Now that she had been given this recipe book she realized she could learn to do this; it was time to move beyond things out of tins and toast. It appeared that cooking nice food was a thing that a woman did, apart from minding her babies, when the man went to work.
Vic was due home from work in about an hour; he was working some days as a labourer for a local builder a few miles away. So she wanted to have this recipe, a dish called Lasagne, ready waiting for him when he came home. The thought of his smile, and the praise that would come when she served it, made her feel warm inside. So she set to work, feeling upwelling excitement as she waited for him to come home.
Tomorrow she would ask the Thea what other things she could do to please a man, apart from cook him nice food and stroke his hair as he lay beside her. She knew Vic really liked those two things but there must be something more. She needed someone to tell her what else there was and, as Thea was her best friend in this place, she would ask her.
Just after she finished preparing the dinner and setting it in the oven Vic was home. She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, wanting to convey her joy in his presence.
He looked at her and grinned. “Well, I loved that, give me more, more!”
At that moment David and Anne came running up and he picked one up in each arm. Both giggled with delight. Then he smelt the dinner cooking and looked at her inquiringly.
“It is a dish called ‘Lasagne’. I got the recipe from the book Thea lent me. I hope you like it!”
Dinner was a great success and the toddlers shared it too, smearing as much over themselves as went in their mouths. After this Vic helped her bath them. Then they all sat and played together for a while before they went for a walk along the beach in the fading light. After ten minutes they were each carrying a sleeping child. So they returned to their cabin and lay together on the bed, quiet for a moment.
It came to Jane, in a flash of clarity; they needed to move beyond this point to something closer. Maybe Vic could help her instead of asking Thea.
She took his hand and touched it to her face, saying. “Vic, I need to begin to know who I am. I have tiny fragments of memories, but not enough to put together by myself. I also need to know so many other things, such as why you and I call ourselves married and are not, why the church tells me it is sinful for a man and woman to live together when they are not married, but yet we live together and it feels so right. I also need to know how a man and woman should behave when they are together alone.
“There are so many things I should know but do not know. As I watch other people I start to see how many holes there are in my life, things I should know but do not. For instance, when I met you, I only knew how to cook toast, sausages and eggs. I have no memory of meals from before, what things I liked or how to make them.
“The things I don’t know are the ordinary things of life. I know how to work a computer, how to do figures and ordering, nobody needed to show me that. But that stuff is just there in my head, I don’t have to think about it to know it. Whereas, when I try to think about the ordinary things, like what to wear or how to do my hair, I just do not know.
“Where I lived before I met you I was lucky because Ruth was my friend and showed me many things. So when I did not know something I would just ask her. She never seemed to mind. So I thought it was normal not to know things and have to ask her to show me.
“It is only since I have come with you that I have started to realize all the things that I don’t know but need to. At first, when we came away together, I was so happy just to be with you. I did not think about needing to know these things, it was like something that happened to another person I do not know. But, even if I cannot remember a life before, I know there was one. It must be full of things I did and people I knew. And I think you know some parts of it.
“So, even though thinking about these things scares me lots deep down inside, I think I it is time for me to begin to know who I was, in part to know how to behave better towards you. I feel there are things I need to do for you to make you happier and I do not know what they are.
“Tomorrow I was going to ask Thea to tell me about the things a woman should know and do to please a man. I would do them for you if I only knew, and I think they would please you like the dinner did. That is why I must discover them by asking others.
“But then I thought, You are my best friend; you are the one I trust the most. So, before I ask others, first I should ask you to tell me about who I have been, about how I should be with you. Please tell me these things?”
Now Vic put a finger to her lips. “You are so perfect the way you are. I could not imagine how you could be better for me and make happier than being the way you are now. So I would rather be with you, the way you are, than be with anyone else I have ever known. If there were a thousand people in a room I would pick only you.
“If it would make you happy to be married then, of course, I want to be married to you the way other people are. But it would make little difference to how our life is together, our taking joy in being with each other and being with your children.
“What being married is about is making a promise to the person that you marry that you will love them and care for them always, in any way you can. When I asked you to come away with me I was making that promise to you.
“When you said you would come with me you trusted me to keep my promise, and so you were making your own promise to me as well.
“Getting married in a church is just a way of making these promises while your friends, family and God are all looking on, so that everyone knows they are true.
“But, as to telling you what I know about you, you are right, there are things from the past that you need to know, simple things like about your mother, father, brother and old friends. There are also things that it may be better if you do not know, things that hurt you before and could hurt you again, the things that caused your memory to go away.
“There is too much for me to tell you all I know at once, and there are many things you will want to know that I do not know and so cannot tell you, even if I wanted to.
“As for how to please me, you please me so much already. The other things you want to know are things that only a woman can know. So perhaps those are things that Thea can tell you.
“Right now, I want to hold you close, to feel your breath on my cheek, to feel your body touching mine, to feel you inside the circle of my arms; that is the way it is meant to be between us.”
As they lay together in a still place, Vic said. “Perhaps I should start by telling you about how I first met you, the girl in the picture.”
She said, “Yes, tell me, but not tonight. Tonight I want to first tell you something. That is, I want to be married to you, that that is what I most and really want to do. Tonight I want you to show me and teach me how it is to really be married to you, to behave with each other in the same way other married people do.
“It is, like you say, that if there was a room with thousands of other men in it, all rich and handsome and nice and I could take my pick, the only one I would choose is you. I cannot imagine wanting to be married to anyone else, but it is what I most want with you.
“It seems to me that when people get married they make a promise to try and be the best they can for the other person. I want to make that promise to you, like the way you made it to me when we came away.
“It feels right that I should do it in a church where I know God is listening. But that part can wait. For now I want to know what it feels like to be fully married you, not just where you have made a promise to me, and I have trusted you, but where I have made the same promise to you and given all I can of me to you. I know I can give more, but I don’t know what. So now I need you to tell me and show me.”
“After that, when we have finished that part, then, I want to know about my family. I did not know I had a brother and I most want to know of him.”
“But to begin with, before you tell me or show me other things, I want you to first tell me about you. I need to know about you to know best how to please you. So please tell me about you, you must have a family too. I want to know where they live, what are their names and the things you remember from when you are little. Perhaps we can go to the place where your family lives and get married there. Then I will start to feel like have a new family which is your family. Once I have discovered who you are from you telling me about you, I think I will start to know better how to please you, and once I know that I will be ready for you to begin telling me about myself.”
So, as they lay together in the night he told her about his family and himself, his mother and sister. He told about all except for Mark, up until just before the time when he first met her. She had barely moved as he talked, just asked questions along the way.
Now she looked into his face with a dreamy smile, which transformed into a wicked grin. Very slowly and deliberately she kissed him on the lips, a long and lingering kiss, which went on and on. His body felt on fire with the intimacy of her touch.
At last she broke away and asked, eyes crinkled in a smile. “Did you like that? I have seen married people do that after they get married. I wanted to try it and see how it felt with you. It was so much better than I imagined. Now I want to do it again and again.”
Vic answered, “For someone who doesn’t know what to do to please a man you seem to be working it out pretty fast. My whole body feels on fire with desire for you. Soon we really will be living in sin if you keep doing that. I won’t be able to stop myself from having all the rest.”
Jane gazed intently at him in a puzzled way. “If you liked it why do you want to stop doing it? If you desire me this way why stop? I don’t want to stop you doing anything with me or having any part of me. I don’t care what the man in the church is talking about.”
Vic felt himself drowning in the sea of her eyes. He wanted to keep kissing her; he wanted to do much more, to fully join his body to hers. And yet; and yet; he did not want to abuse her childlike trust by taking her in this way without her having an understanding of what this act was or meant. He had to find a way to give her an understanding of what she was offering so she could choose whether this was what she still wanted when she knew what it signified.
He willed himself to block out his awareness of her closeness, to only focus on what he thought was best for her. She needed to know who she was and from whence she came so she could make a real choice about whether to go to this next place with him.
That was what they had started to do before the distraction of her mouth joining to his had intervened. So he put his finger back on her lips to break the spell and stop her going back to this place of intimacy.
He said, “I don’t want to stop this anymore than you do. But I think we first need to talk some more about who you are. Then you can decide if this being really married is still what you want.”
An uncharacteristic look of annoyance and hurt came over her face, as if she felt rejected as a woman by his not taking her fully right now.
Vic felt torn, he wanted her so much, he both desired to have her body and did not want to hurt her self-esteem; yet it still did not feel right to consummate their togetherness without her understanding.
He felt her pull away, as if to leave the bed. He put his hands firmly on her shoulders to stop her going. He looked at her with all the intensity that was burning inside him.
“I have loved you since the day I first saw you. Tonight I want so much to keep doing what we were just doing together, kissing and more. But please, trust me, don’t pull away or leave me. Just let me hold you and tomorrow we will start the telling of your other life.
“When enough parts are told for you to know from where you came then you can decide where you want to go from here, and if you want me there with you. Then, once you have chosen with real knowledge, I will go with you wherever you want, as far as you want, without limit.
“You are the most beautiful and precious thing I have ever known and I want you so much in every way that a man can want a woman. Now seeing your sad face I cannot bear to see you hurt.
“But I have been entrusted with my own knowledge of what came before which I must honour too. So I must find a way to bring those two things back together before we go further from here.”
As he spoke he could feel her begin to relax, and the hurt washed out of her face, replaced by an intensity of her own. She nodded, for them both further words seemed inadequate to match their feelings.
He drew her back in close and they lay very still, barely touching. After a few minutes her breathing slowed to an even and regular pattern. He knew she had fallen asleep, still trusting and touching him. He felt so blessed. Soon he slept too.