It was the middle of February before the examination with Dr Sangster could be scheduled. By now the NT Attorney General had the advice sought from the former High Court judge. While less fulsome than Beck would have liked it gave the view that a pardon could be used in this situation.
They also had a letter from Susan’s parents seeking a pardon for their daughter. It emphasised her cooperation in giving her testimony after release from jail and that this was supported by the inquest findings. It added weight to the legal advice. From the point of view of her boss, the Attorney General, that was a good enough basis to take the request to Executive Government once the assessment of Susan’s mental state was made.
In Brisbane, Vic now sat in the waiting room, while Jane waited at the motel minding the children. He had insisted on a pre-meeting with the Doctor, Ross Sangster before Jane came in, first thing tomorrow.
Her examination was scheduled from 7 am to 8am to ensure that it occurred before anyone else was on the premises. A pre-positioned video camera was to be behind and to the side of where she was sitting. This along with a microphone in front would record what occurred. Vic had the right to see the video tape with the barrister and remove any sensitive parts before a copy was provided for others to view.
Vic had asked to be able to attend the meeting with Susan but this been had declined by Dr Sangster, saying it may interfere with how she acted and responded and it would compromise his own independent evaluation.
Instead Dr Sangster suggested this pre-meeting this afternoon, saying it would allow him to gather further information about Susan, the only name he knew her by. It would also provide Vic with an opportunity to ask his own questions about what was to occur.
So now Vic was just waiting for this, full of anticipation and trepidation at how it could go wrong. He realized that he was jumping at shadows but still it found him on the edge of the chair with anxiety as he sat there. He decided he needed to clear his mind and focus on the now, how to best protect his Jane. So he pictured her smiling face and her playing with David and Anne. He found it helped him to be calm.
A tall, lanky man walked into the room. H had an overgrown beanpole look, straggly dark hair, mismatched clothes and a slightly weird demeanour. He looked like a mental patient.
Vic felt annoyed at another person being here. Dr Sangster, when they talked yesterday, promised he would be here by himself. Vic asked for this precaution to be extra safe, so no-one else could identify him here.
So what was another person doing being here? Vic was on the edge of getting up and walking out when he realized this strange looking man was talking to him, “Vic Campbell I presume,” he said as he held out his big hand
Vic realized he had mistaken the doctor for a patient. He felt less than reassured and was about to say something cutting.
But the Doctor beat him too it. As he spoke, Vic realized that, despite his weird look, this guy was seriously sharp. “I know I could be mistaken. But, despite your sceptical look, I am really not a madhouse inmate come to visit, Ross Sangster, at your service.”
Vic found himself laughing, “Well I guess my face gave me away Doc, but I have to admit it, you sure had me fooled.”
The Doctor led him out the back and offered him coffee and a chocolate cookie biscuit, while they sat and chatted.
When the coffees were finished this man looked at Vic intently again and said. “First you can stop calling me Doctor, My name is Ross. Second I need to know about this person, Susan. I understand she lives with you, along with her two children.
“I know you are very concerned to keep her location hidden. I don’t need to know where you live. But I need to know about her life, anything at all she remembers, what she does each day, about any friends, where she goes, her interests, what she knows and does not know?
“When I talk to her I must be very careful. I need to ask her questions that demonstrate her knowledge and lack of it. But in doing so I must not undermine her current sense of who she is and cause more damage.”
Vic said, “Well, you need to start by calling her Jane. I did know a Susan once. They tell me the tests show this is the same person, the same DNA or whatever you call it. But the person who lives in this body now is no longer Susan, she knows herself only as Jane, she remembers none other.
“Any suggestion she is not Jane will distress her greatly, it is the only piece of identity she had to hold onto. So you must not suggest that she is another person called Susan.
“It seems to me as if more than just her memory has gone; it is as if the part of her, the part called Susan in another life, has been ripped out of her body and mind. Into that vacuum, a new person has moved in and taken up residence. That person is Jane.
“She is the warmest and loveliest person I have ever met. But she is like a person held together by bits of sticky tape. The bits could easily come apart if something else bad was to happen. Then I don’t know what would be left, if there would still be any person there? But the thought it could happen scares the Bejesus out of me. So you need to be careful, really careful.”
Dr Sangster did not reply at once. At first he nodded but said nothing. Then he remained looking intently at Vic, as if deep in contemplation. Finally he spoke. “What do you think? Where have all the memories gone? Are they still sitting somewhere deep inside her, buried to stop the pain, or have they really vanished, been torn out and got lost, so they can never be recovered? Does she need that part of her back?”
Vic shrugged, uncertain what to say, so the doctor continued.
“I know you do not know the answers, but these are things you need to think about. Today and tomorrow, only a small bit of what I need to do is to confirm this girl has lost her past and along with it her memories. I don’t need to see her to know that, it is abundantly clear from all I have been told. It fits as the only way for her to escape from an impossible situation, short of her own death. I think suicide must have come very close to her, feeling like a best friend she wanted to take control of her life, to let the pain end.
“Still I must make it appear to others, the lawyers, that my purpose is to assess her memory. I must go through the motions. But it is not my reason to see her, any half competent doctor or psychologist could do this part.
Vic asked, “Why then?”
“My first concern is to be gentle. She has suffered enough. Denying her past was her only way through the pain without destroying herself. Neither of us needs to be Einstein to know that.
“But the real question I put to you, as the person who carries care for this damaged person the deepest, is: What should we do about it? Do we need to try and join the old and the new? Does she need to reconnect to her old self in order to live a full and happy life? Or is she better to be left to begin again, to have a new life with the old one left completely behind, baggage of another person?
“That is the real question. That is the thing you need to think on before I meet with her. It will help shape what I do at the meeting and afterwards.
“Do I try to find the pieces of her old life and help her mind to connect them to her new life, or do I help her to bury them in an unfindable place, where they can never bring back the pain?”
Now it was Vic’s turn for silence, it was such a great responsibility, such a fraught choice. He thought of the girl he now knew. She was utterly beautiful, bewitching, kind and good. Yet, without a past, she was an emotional child.
He loved that child. But when he remembered the adult he had known, just briefly before, he realized the loss, the incompleteness. It was like the colours she was unable to see, her life was missing dimensions of existence that others had. It felt safer to leave her this way but it was not enough.
And in his heart of hearts he knew it was not a safe place for her either. The bright smile that covered the sticky taped pieces, still broken though held together, was inherently unstable. Without making real new joins between the old and new persons there was no resilience, without finding the old the new could never be much more than a shell.
Yes he loved her and she loved him and it was good. But it was not near enough, much more was needed to make her complete. Ultimately his own completeness was inextricably linked to hers, so she needed her to re-know herself too in order to know him.
The “I don’t know you but I want you” song from “Once” was true but it sold them both short. He wanted more than that for them both.
As these thoughts swirled through his mind he remained silent, only half aware of the other’s intense eyes, watching him. Now he had it clear in his mind he could answer.
“You are right, I have thought it through and now I know. We must try and find a way to build a bridge between the old Susan and the new Jane. They are both wonderful people, but they both need to know and value the other to form one complete whole. So, frightened as I am by what this all means, we must try to find a way to bring them back together, for the sake of many people who know and love her, but mostly for her own sake.”
Ross Sangster nodded. “I hoped that you would see that. My intuition told me the same. But, not knowing her, it is not something I could know with certainty. I feel much better if we are both agreed on that.
“My real responsibility is of course to her, she is my patient, assuming you and she agree. But I need your help and support. What we must try to do is part exorcism, part healing. It will be hard and painful for us all so I need your belief in this for when the dark days come.
“As we open the cracks to allow the healing to begin so too the pain will come back. It will be hard for her, but in many ways it will be harder for you, watching the bringing of pain to one you love.”
“Now you must tell me all you know of this person, both from before and after, but particularly from after. Even though neither of us can see them now, in the new person are clues to direct our way back to the old.”
The sun had fully set and the room was only lit by light coming in from the river by the time the talking was done. Vic returned to the hotel to find this woman, sitting on the floor with her children on her lap. It was beautiful and touching, a child with her children. He loved her with all he knew, but yet he knew he wanted all of the old to come back along with the new.