In the days that followed Beck tried to forget what she had done. She told herself, over and over, that she had done no real harm, the money was for a good cause and the girl was away free and would soon be married and living a new life where the past could not touch her.
Her lack of memory was her salvation. It made her untouchable. So this man may find her and ask her questions, but all she could say was she did not know, she did not remember. That was no story and interest would fade.
Beck walked miles along Nightcliff and Casuarina beaches as she reran and repeated this mantra in her mind, scuffing sand and kicking little waves, as she tried to walk away the memory, make herself believe it would be OK.
On the Monday morning the mailman brought a package to her work. It was a slim square package with a note from Ross saying this was the agreed DVD of the interview. She closed her office door and loaded the DVD into her computer, watched as the icon came up showing it was loading then, when that finished, she pressed play
The video was good quality though mostly it showed Ross’s face to the camera. The other person was sitting with only her side profile in view from behind. It took Beck long seconds to connect this image with her mind image of Susan. Dark hair was replaced by something auburn to blond, tied loosely in a haphazard fashion, conveying a person who cared little how they looked. Her face was unseen but the profile conveyed a sense of unreality, a non-person filling the space, a part of that was due to the strange view, more was due to a demeanor, more absent than present. Ross had once mentioned something about this girl seeming to be missing a part of her soul, an empty shell sensation. But until she saw this image these were just words.
Now she understood him; the person sitting there brought to mind a beautiful but lifeless piece of porcelain. It was hard to believe this person had anything linking them to the girl she had last seen sitting in the dock, smiling brightly but incredibly controlled, a will of steel inside a pretty face, with an incredibly vital life force emanating. It was so much easier to believe that here was a different person. No wonder she was hard to find.
Beck half wondered if it was really her, rather than some clever charade of a different person, role playing, out for fame and glory. The change in the life essence was too hard to take in.
A few seconds later she began to speak. In that instant the uncertainty resolved. It was so her, the voice, the accent, it was unmistakable.
“Doctor Sangster, I know this is important for others, so I am doing it for them. But, you see, even though it seems important for these people to know about me from before, it is not important to me. I know I was someone else once, but I am not that person anymore. I don’t need to know that person anymore to live a good and happy life now.”
At that point there was a clear discontinuity as if a part had been edited from the tape.
It then jumped to a place where Ross asked her to tell of her earliest memories saying.
“Tell me what is the last thing you remember from when you were a little girl, living in England?”
She replied, “It was my first year in High School, when I met Anne and we became friends. I can remember the first day I met Anne. She was a gawky twelve year old with flaming red hair and a big cheeky smile. We had desks side by side. We used to talk when the teacher was not looking.”
Ross said, Put yourself back into that place now and try to remember the last school holidays before then, where you went and what you did.
A few seconds of silence ensued then the voice continued, “I remember those school holidays. They were summer holidays. We went to a farm up in Scotland. It was the farm where my Dad had grown up, in a valley between big green hills. His parents lived in one house and his sister, who was married, lived in another house nearby. Her husband did the farm work. My Dad loved to help on the farm and I did too. My Dad would bring me out on the farm with him.
“My brother Tim did not like farm work much, he had a cousin about his age and the two of them would spend hours playing together. There was also another cousin, but she was younger than Tim. I felt too grown up to play with her. I liked her and talked to her but I did not play with her much.
“I also remember my Aunt Em, my Dad’s youngest sister. She still lived at home with her parents, she had just finished school. She was the baby of the family, that’s what Dad used to call her. I was twelve and she was eighteen. She was to go off to University after summer. She was really pretty and a bit wild. I would sit with her and talk for hours about boys and going out and things like that. I can’t really remember exactly what we talked about but I just remember how much I liked being with her. She was so excited to be going off to a big city to live and study. It all sounded exciting to me and she would talk to me like I was as grown up as she was.
“I remember how she, me and Dad would sometimes talk, all sitting around the fire in the evening. Em and Dad both loved animals, particularly the big wild animals in other countries, the lions and tigers, the elephants and giraffes, the monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas.
“We all wanted to go to Africa and see them, particularly the lions, leopards and cheetahs hunting in the national parks. I don’t know if we ever did, but we dreamt and talked so much about it, being camped by a waterhole and watching all the animals coming in to drink and how a lion pack would try and ambush them, while we watched from a hidden hide.
“What were your favourite animals?” Ross asked.
There was another pause as if she was thinking. Then she answered, “I am not sure, I thought the apes were so amazing, they are so like us, their behaviours and the way they interact. But I loved the predators too, the way a cat would stalk up, or silently wait in ambush until something came along.”
Ross asked, “Did you ever see any wild animals that you remember, perhaps at a zoo or something like that?”
Another pause and then she said. “I think the year before those holidays my Dad took me to a zoo called Whipsnade Zoo and also to London Zoo in Regents Park. I can remember watching a cheetah stalking someone who was walking along the outside of its enclosure at Whipsnade Zoo. And I also remember feeling a bit sorry for the lions at Regents Park Zoo. They were lying out in the sun and their enclosure was mostly concrete. I thought of them out in Africa, in the long grass, hunting animals. I thought, What a pity, they have nothing to chase and nowhere to hunt in there.”
Ross asked, “Have you ever seen a crocodile?”
At first she said nothing though a flinching movement passed over her body and her side face took a hard and squeezed up look, which washed away as her mouth opened into what looked like a grimace.
As it did a noise began, somewhere deep inside her. It started as a thin wail, rising in tone and volume into a screech of terror. Then the noise was gone, as if she had bitten it off. Now her body began to shake which soon became huge sobbing movements, with the words, “No, No, No, My Babies,” said over and over again.
Beck watched as Ross stumbled to his feet and ran to her, putting his arms around to comfort her. She turned to the side towards him bringing her face into view. It was a mask of pure and unadulterated terror. Suddenly the screen was blank, though the image was still burned deep into Beck’s retinas.
Then the face image returned; she was there again, facing Ross, saying with accusing eyes,“Why did you say that, that thing about the crocodiles? It is evil. I saw my babies swimming in a pool full of crocodiles. Lots of big crocodiles, swimming towards them, mouths open. My babies needed help and I could not reach them. I was stuck here in the wrong body. I knew the crocodiles would take them, tear them apart, then eat them. I knew my babies would be torn into little pieces. I could not reach them or help them. I could not bear to watch it happen. It was so real.
“I wish you never said those words. I don’t want to talk about memories. I don’t want try and remember, it is all too terrible. I never want to see that awful thing again. I just want to be left alone.”
Beck knew in that instant it was a terrible mistake for her to pretend this girl was alright, that she could retreat behind a no memory mask. She knew now it was not true, already her past had destroyed one life.
Now, even though she had built something new which had cut all links with the past, leaving her with little more than a shell of her past existence, it was a fractured place. Deep cracks ran between the new and the old and the wrong words could tear this fragile edifice apart and smash it to bits. If that happened she would be culpable.
The video was finished now, a real blank screen. Beck looked at it with blank eyes; her only remaining image was the overwhelming terror in this poor girl’s eyes. Shame rose at her own part, reflected from this image.
There was a knock on the door. She called out, “Yes.”
Her receptionist came in, saying, “I have a Dr Ross Sangster on the line and he would like to talk to you urgently. He says he had to fly to Darwin at the end of the week and thought that he could perhaps schedule a meeting to discuss the video and his report. He just needs to know if you can arrange that before he confirms his bookings.”
She picked up the call, a welcome distraction from her thoughts. “Hello Ross. Can I expect to see you in Darwin?”
“Yes I have been asked to meet with and review the treatment plan for an aboriginal man in Darwin Hospital who has traumatic and alcohol related brain injury with severe memory impairment. They have asked me to fly up for the day on Thursday, and I wondered, before I locked in flights, whether there was value in me discussing my report either with you or your other legal colleagues. I could do either Wednesday or Friday though, to be honest, Friday works better for me. If I came then I would stay for the weekend for a bit of sightseeing as I have never been to Darwin before.”
She answered, “Can you give me ten minutes? I just need to check the Attorney General’s diary and also to see if at least one of the two others, the coroner and the sentencing judge would also be available and could fit in a meeting.”
She walked out to her receptionist, saying, “Jenny, could you get onto, Judge Davis’s associate and see if she can squeeze us into his diary for an hour sometime on Friday, it is about the Susan MacDonald case.
“Also ring Coroner Edwards’ personal assistant and check his availability, ideally for the same meeting though it can always be for different meetings if needed. I will go and check with his lordship the AG.”
She knocked at the door, knowing her boss had been in for at least half an hour and that he liked to be left alone to catch up on reading the daily pile of briefs for his first hour of the day.
A grumpy sounding “Come In,” came back and she walked in, putting on her calm and determined face as he looked up.
“Oh it is you, Beck,” he said, giving her a much more pleasant smile than his voice belied.
“You sound frazzled,” she replied.
“Just these endless crappy cabinet papers, for Thursday’s meeting. Some people need to learn how to write simple English. They say lawyer English is bad. But we have got nothing on these high faluting civil servants, bloody jumped up office clerks, who think we want to read endlessly about strategic plans, key performance indicators, milestones of success. It is enough to give me a headache and make my beard go grey. Why can’t they just say what they mean in short simple words?
He paused for a second to draw breath, “Sorry for the rant. I am sure you did not need to know that. How can I help?”
“Friday is a clear day, right?”
“Well unless I can bugger off for the day after Cabinet and go fishing. But I suppose I can make myself available if needed, especially seeing as you ask with such charm,” he said, winking.
“Dr Ross Sangster has just rung and I said I would call him back in a minute. He sent me his report and the DVD of our own Lost Girl, Susan. I was looking at it before he called. He has to come to Darwin on Thursday to meet with an aboriginal patient. He asked if he could schedule a meeting with us to discuss his report, preferably on Friday. I am good for that day; your diary says the same. Jenny is checking regarding Judge Davis and Coroner Edwards. It would be best if we are there together to hear what he has to say. I wanted to double check with you before I said ‘Yes’ on your behalf. I will try to keep most of your day free for that fishing trip, but no promises.”
He grimaced. “That’s what I both love and hate about you, your bloody efficiency. So the answer is ‘Yes’, if I must, I will even admit to having a tiny twinge of curiosity about this one. What does the video show?”
“Well it is definitely her. She looks much different but I know her voice. She looks both genuine and scary. She sounds bright but brittle at first but then …” She grimaced, “Best that you see for yourself. It shook me.”
Jenny had found time in both the judge and coroner’s diaries between eight and ten o’clock Friday morning, after that both were booked solid.
Beck replied, “OK put them both in for eight, meet here, and tell them both to block out the two hours. It may take less, but it is a complicated story and you never know. Tell them both I will hand deliver a DVD and report this afternoon for their eyes only.”
She went back in and closed the door before calling Ross, not that she did not trust Jen, but one leaker in her organization was more than enough.
By the time Ross came off the phone she had agreed to have dinner with him on Friday night and do some sightseeing over the weekend. He was booked in from eight to nine o’clock Friday for the meeting on his report. Then he would have to go off and amuse himself for the day while she and the others decided where to go with this. Then she would prepare all the required documents to action whatever they decided.
She really hoped they all would agree on a pardon, with it to happen as soon as possible. She really wanted to give this girl a chance to disappear totally, sooner was better lest Jacob run her to ground. She must find a way to warn her that a bloodhound was on her trail, perhaps Alan could do that.
Friday came before she had time to think, she was at work early, making sure Jen was on duty keeping everyone else away. She set up a big screen in the conference room to allow them to all view the video together. On the table, in front of each man’s chair, sat a copy of the report and alongside it a preliminary position paper with a summary of the report and recommending on the steps from here.
The others were seated, perusing their documents, when Ross arrived. She escorted him in, did the introductions, then passed him the remote control, saying, “Before we go through your report, which seems straight forward, could you walk us through the video and give us your impressions both of the patient and of what happened on the day.”
Ross nodded and started the video, explaining the first sequence, where Susan spoke to him, unasked, before he had asked her any questions. He said from after that section he had blanked out the name of her partner at the request of the barrister for the other side, but otherwise it was unchanged.
He then explained the gap in the sequence saying, “Next I asked her to tell me about what she first remembered from her life now. She described arriving, heavily pregnant in a location in Queensland, with no understanding of how she came to be there, just that one morning she was standing beside a road holding a bag with a name written on it, she decided that must be her name and since then she has gone by that name.
“She found a job working in the town and soon after gave birth to two babies, a boy and a girl who are now nearly two years old. Since that time she has moved on to various other locations. I am unable to disclose her current name or any of the locations where she has been, which is why that section of the tape is missing.”
He then moved on to the next part of the DVD sequence saying. I now tried to see if any memories existed of her life before and it turned out she had just a few which finish when she lived in England around the age of twelve. Significantly her last clear memory is of meeting her friend Anne, the person you have no doubt seen on the television documentaries, searching for the ‘Lost Girls’.
I do not know for certain but I assume that she is now in touch again with both Anne and her parents who for a long time were all desperately searching with no idea of what had become of her. If so it is good for her to have a little bit of stability and reconnection after what must have been an extremely difficult and traumatic part of her life.
The DVD started playing again and they all watched rapt as she told about her memories of her friend and her holiday on the farm, then of her love for the wildlife of Africa. It had a dreamy, almost otherworld, feel to it. They had all seen it before and knew what was coming. Yet all had an intense look of anxiety of their faces as the crocodile question came out.
Ross let it run to the end without a word spoken, then he turned it off and faced them saying.
“My final question was very foolish. I don’t know why I asked it. After that I wished I had not. At first the other side wanted me to take that part out. I persuaded them not too, this picture speaks far louder than words.
“We can all see, despite the new life she has made, there is a connection to the old. I do not doubt for a minute that she is totally genuine in saying she remembers nothing, her mind must have walled off that part as a last resort of self protection. But I would hate to put her in the witness box and start questioning her about that time. I would equally hate for it to happen from a journalist or third party.
“I think the best thing we can do is to allow her to quietly disappear and get on with her new life, to respect the wish that she clearly stated at the start of this video not to know about her past.
“I am troubled that, even then, her past may come back to haunt her. But I would not like it on my hands to cause it. I fear it may not end well.
“It is a strange thing. In many ways she is a delightful and lovely person. She has great warmness and kindness. It comes through very strongly, as if all her bad parts of her character have been taken away and locked out of reach. Now all that remains is a kind and gentle shell.
“But the box of horrors is still there, buried somewhere. I would not wish to open it. When I spoke those words, the terror on her face was something I would never wish to see again. You can only glimpse it in this video. But that is enough to understand what a bad place that must be for her.
“Perhaps with time she will find a way to deal with it, perhaps her family can help. But for us, here today, the kindest thing, in fact the only decent thing we can do, is not to harm her any more. So I leave it in your hands to find a legal way to let her get on with her new life. In effect that is what my report says, though it uses more long words. I am sure you have already read it, but there is nothing in it that you cannot see here with you own eyes.
“Her memory loss is genuine and it exists to protect her mind from something at the furthest edge of terror. It would be most foolish, much more than foolish, to force her to confront that place. I advise you in the strongest possible way, Do not do that!
“Now any questions, gentlemen?”
There were none. Dr Ross Sangster excused himself and left the room.
The remainder of the meeting took but a few minutes. All present agreed to recommend to Executive Government that a pardon be granted to one, Susan Emily MacDonald for her conviction to the murder of Vincent Marco Bassingham.
Beck was left alone to put the executive wheels in motion. By the end of the day it was all prepared for a meeting between the Attorney General, the Chief Minister and his key advisors on Monday. No problems were expected and the formal process was expected to take about a month.
She took a deep breath and said a silent prayer as she walked out of the office that night that it would go smoothly so this girl could be left to get on with her life, never to be found again by those who would do her harm.